Adoption

Agency frustration

I've mentioned before some of my frustration with my agency. Their birth mom counseling is to allow me to call the director if I need to talk about my daughter's adoption or to use birthmombuds.com. The director is a great lady and I recognize she has plenty of years of experience in social work, but that is most definitely not the same thing as counseling. It blows my mind that she's convinced it is. I called her to discuss this and recommend some changes I thought would truly benefit birthmothers in the future. She doesn't understand why this is not sufficient. Most birth moms, like myself, choose adoption not because of finances, but that plays a huge role in it. The lack of finances that make it hard to raise a baby do not allow for counseling, which is so expensive.

I guess I'm wondering if I truly am off base here and expecting too much. I also am looking for suggestions of ways to make the agency see what I'm saying for the sake of future birthmoms.

I'm also frustrated because I formulated an adoption plan with them prior to birth and trusted them to carry it out. I asked for things like my daughter's ankle bracelet, birth certificate with footprints, and bassinet tag. I also asked that the baby be discharged at the same time as me so I could hand her off outside the hospital and not leave empty-handed. At the hospital the director lined things up for the baby to be discharged several hours before myself. When her parents said that they would not leave until I did the director went so far as to say she didn't know if the hospital would allow the baby to stay after her discharge. They actually fought for me because they are so amazing and it worked out. But I never got the items I asked for and that hurts. I wasn't in a place to think of those things and trusted her to do it. I brought all this up and got a feeble apology with an explanation that she forgot. I'm not angry because what's done is done, but I want to help them help other people. Thoughts?
Birthmom to A, 1/8- the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

A Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. -Lao-Tzu

Re: Agency frustration

  • Our agency pays for lifetime independent counseling for birth parents, and I think that should be ABSOLUTELY REQUIRED. It's NOT asking too much at all.

    As for the other pieces, I'm not sure how to approach them so they will listen. I've been pegged as a PITA AP so my agency dismisses my feedback out of hand these days.

    I am having similar ethical and logistical complaints with our agency as well and feeling frustrated and powerless and wish that I had better advice. My only solace is that as our kids grow up and can start speaking for their own experiences, the general tide will shift and birth parents' and adoptees' experiences will be taken more seriously.
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  • I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

    At the hospital DD's birthmom asked for all the things you did. We were more than fine with it, and everyone in the room at the time (SW, hospital staff) made sure it all happened. And this with a SW who was in the midst of multiple placements at once. IMO you should let them know, in writing, that this happened so they make sure it's on some sort of checklist or something in the future.

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  • You are absolutely not expecting to much. You should have access to counseling with someone who is a therapist as their primary function, not as a "side gig" to being the agency director. Nor should you be referred out to a website where the onus is on you to seek out help from non-licensed folks. You clearly are asking for assistance, the agency should provide that for you. You might mention to the AP's that you are having issues getting the counseling you want from the agency- and see if they might be able to intervene. I know that sucks- but I know that as AP's we were often able to get the agency to hear things differently.

    When our son was discharged, the hospital bracelets went to him and the hospital did two sets of footprints- one for us and one for his parent....maybe ask them if they have a set of footprints? But it all sucks, and you shouldn't have to be the one to advocate for yourself like this. I'd also suggest that if you continue to meet resistance from your agency you contact another agency- often they have referrals to counselors who might be low cost....


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  • Thank for the support. Helps to know I'm not off-base. I mentioned it to A's parents and they mentioned it to the director who finally said I could have one or two phone calls with their birth mom counselor who is " too busy" for me. At this point, I think maybe they do get it, but just act like they don't because they know it's wrong. As @dr.loretta suggested I'm going to draft a letter mentioning all these things and I plan to stay active with the agency to try to change it from the inside.
    I texted A's mom a head's up about the letter and she volunteered for me to have the anklet and to make a copy of the others for me. I want the original that she touched since I don't have her, but I think that much is unreasonable so I told her how very grateful I'd be for that.
    Birthmom to A, 1/8- the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

    A Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. -Lao-Tzu

  • I agree with the other in that you are definitely not asking too much. I also think it sounds like you have a good action plan to move forward with. I hope that you have success with this.
    Carly
    (Former UN: iloveshanej)

    Birdie born 05/01/2007
    Rainbow Surprise Baby due 05/26/2017                                          


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  • @TheatrePal‌ thanks for letting be know! I share partly b/c it helps to vent and partly b/c I know how very much it has helped me/made me more sensitive to A's parents by seeing the PAP/AP perspective.
    Birthmom to A, 1/8- the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

    A Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. -Lao-Tzu

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