Baby Showers

Etiquette Question - adoption/birth

I am due in April with a little girl - complete miracle!  I have two boys..both adopted from Russia after infertility treatments did not work for us.  My boys were 15 months and 13 months when they arrived home.  I had a shower for my older son, as he was our first.  I did not have a shower for my second son, as there was only 2 years between their adoptions and we had plenty of stuff.  Would it be OK to have a shower for this little one?  I have no infant items, as my boys were toddlers when they came home.  And with two boys, I also have no girl stuff.  What do you think?  My Mom says "yes" to a shower, as she thinks many people are so excited for our little miracle girl.

Re: Etiquette Question - adoption/birth

  • You are in weedy waters that's for sure.  I would say, since you already had a shower, and are not a first time mom, say "no" to a shower.

    that way your not distinguishing between bio and non bio kids.  In fact, were I in your shoes, that would be my biggest worry.

    Celebrate the new baby with a "meet the baby" party after she is born and her brothers can proudly show her off...

  • Showers and registries are for first-time Moms only, even if there's a 10-year difference between babies and they're different genders and so on.  You're a third-time Mom.  So no - it would look REALLY gift-grabby.

    Congratulations on your wonderful news!

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  • Well I guess I'm an outsider on this one--I'd say go for it! If nothing else, like you said--you have no girl stuff. If people find it rude, they don't have to go--no one if forcing them. You could keep it small--close friends and family only. Besides--it's becoming more and more common for mothers of more than one child to have more than one shower. Congrats on the daughter! : )
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  • I'm generally not a fan of showers for second or third children.

    But.... I had to tell you that yours is an amazing story.

    As a fellow IF'er who had a shocking unmedicated BFP I know what an amazing gift this is for you.

    Congrats to you all!

    Our IF journey: 1 m/c, 1 IVF with only 3 eggs retrieved yielding Dylan and a lost twin, 1 shocker unmedicated BFP resulting in Jace, 3 more unmedicated pregnancies ending in more losses.
    Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
  • Hmmm, good question. I guess this one does fall out of the box. When you say, "I had a shower," you mean someone, like your mom or another, would be throwing the shower, right? I wouldn't throw my own shower.

    What kind of gifts did you get at your first shower? Did you get all of the typical baby stuff? Monitors, baby bath, swing, etc? If so, then I would consider another shower inappropriate. If it was stuff for an older child, then I guess it wouldn't be that weird. This is sorta your first newborn baby, right? If you already have all that stuff though, I wouldn't. Nothing wrong with a celebration/meet the baby though.

  • As a fellow (future) adoptive mom, I love your story and say YES, absolutely!  You have no items for an infant!  One thing we adoptive moms give up is a traditional, pre-baby, baby shower.  If you were my friend, I would throw you the biggest, happiest baby shower because I'd be so excited for you. 

     Congratulations and enjoy!

  • Yes!  If my idiot sister can have 6 baby showers for 2 kids within 3 years then I think you are fine!  Congrats:)
  • It seems like there is a middle ground here, but you have to decide what is your main purpose for wanting a shower?  Celebration, gifts, or both?

  • imageBrahimBride:

    You are in weedy waters that's for sure.? I would say, since you already had a shower, and are not a first time mom, say "no" to a shower.

    that way your not distinguishing between bio and non bio kids.? In fact, were I in your shoes, that would be my biggest worry.

    Celebrate the new baby with a "meet the baby" party after she is born and her brothers can proudly show her off...

    ?

    ditto. ?how sad if DS #2 found out you skipped a shower for him but had one for his little sis because she is your "real" child.?

  • Oh my, she is not at all saying that her biological child is her "Real" child and the adoptive children are not.  Honestly, what an unkind sentiment to bring into the discussion.  Sad

     I'm not at all a fan of second/third baby showers.  In general, I think they are in poor taste.  But this is a rare circumstance where the poster has never had a newborn.  If you've experienced infertility, you know how difficult it can be to attend baby showers.  The traditional "baby shower" might be something the poster never thought she'd "get" to experience.  But now she's pregnant and her family wants to celebrate . . . what's wrong with that?

  • congratulations on your miracle.

    however, i still don't think it's okay to have a shower. ?this is your third child, and you've already been given a shower. ?i always ditto the "meet the party" suggestions. ?most guests will bring a gift anyway, although registering for it is a no-no.?

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  • imagekmkaull:

    Oh my, she is not at all saying that her biological child is her "Real" child and the adoptive children are not.? Honestly, what an unkind sentiment to bring into the discussion.? Sad

    ?I'm not at all a fan of second/third baby showers.? In general, I think they are in poor taste.? But this is a rare circumstance where the poster has never had a newborn.? If you've experienced infertility, you know how difficult it can be to attend baby showers.? The traditional "baby shower" might be something the poster never thought she'd "get" to experience.? But now she's pregnant and her family wants to celebrate . . . what's wrong with that?

    ?

    i'm sorry. ?i wasn't trying to be mean. ?i just meant that since she already had a shower for her first, but not the second ?it seems odd to have a shower for the third just because it is her biological child particularly because i feel like all three are considered her children equally. ?

  • imageWan-naBe:

    congratulations on your miracle.

    however, i still don't think it's okay to have a shower.  this is your third child, and you've already been given a shower.  i always ditto the "meet the party" suggestions.  most guests will bring a gift anyway, although registering for it is a no-no. 

    I completely agree.  As unprepared as you might be, a shower would be quite tacky, and it sounds like the motive for the shower is the gifts.  A meet the baby party is a wonderful idea, most friends and family will give you a gift anyways.

  • Thanks for your replies and thoughts.  I should have perhaps specified that we had a "meet our child" gathering for both our sons.  The first one was more of a "shower" in that I registered for items.  Both gathering were thrown by my Mom and sister. 

    Apparently many family and friends have approached my Mom and sister asking if they were going to have a "shower/gathering" for our newest addition.  They are asking what we need, if we are going to register, etc. as they do not know what we have from the boys and what we truly need for an infant.

    And there is no way in H*LL that I would EVER differentiate between my sons and this baby I am carrying.  My boys are MY REAL kids - I labored for them a heck of a lot longer than 9 months.  The way they came in our lives is just as special and wonderful as being pregnant, if not more.  Lastly, I am not easily offended, but boy did that comment rub me the wrong way.

    Thanks again to all of you for your well wishes and thoughts on the subject.

  • I say yes. It's your first pregnancy... atleast celebrate that. If you feel guilty, just say no presents needed on the invitaion. But I don't think it's a big deal.. and you need girl stuff... I say go for it.

    W (02/2009), N (08/2012), and C (04/2014)
  • I have no manners, so I don't know what's "appropriate" and don't even really believe in this kind of etiquette. I think if someone thinks it's tacky then they don't have to come, and also they're kind of a douche. That being said, I think a shower is totally appropriate, not because of the gender thing (sorry - this is the reason a lot of 2nd time moms have showers, but I'm still not really on board for 2nd time showers), but rather because of the infant thing. Infant supplies are totally different from toddler supplies, and also all the fun/annoying advice you get at your shower will be totally different b/c infant issues are totally different from toddler issues.

  • ABSOLUTELY!! have a shower! register! enjoy it! ignore all of these negative girls. you aren't having a greedy party. you have never had a newborn before and newborns require ALOT of things. i know how expensive adoptions can be so i wouldn't expect you to buy everything for a new child. your child would never ever think "why didn't mommy have a shower for me" he's a boy. boys don't care about those things! even if it was a girl she wouldn't care! i hope you go through with having this shower and enjoy every aspect of it!
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