not sure where to post - Boyfriend walked out

runningmama22 · March 2014

Hi ladies. I am about 6-7 weeks right now, everything is healthy so far with the pregnancy. My now ex-boyfriend and I had only been dating about 2 months when I found out I was pregnant. He immediately accused me of lying, saying I "knew" I was pregnant (I took a test two weeks prior and it was negative, which I told him.. but he says it must have been positive and I "lied").. I definitely did not, I had been on a juice cleanse (about 1100 calories a day, but still) and also working out a lot.. definitely had no idea I was pregnant. Anyway, we found out on 3/11 and he broke up with me by the end of the week. He took his "space" for a few days, I tried to give it to him but kept texting him how mad I was at his reaction. Prior to this happening (literally up until the day before he found out), he was telling me he loved me, wanted to spend his life with me, wanted to settle down and have a family with me, etc. He has a 3 1/2 year old son with another woman he was previously engaged to and dated for 5 years total, and she was also on the pill like I was when she became pregnant (so it's not like he didnt know this was a possibility - he has sperm of steel or something). He was telling me what a great momma I would be, and how we would have beautiful babies, and we even talked about kid names. We were planning to move in together some time this spring or summer! Now, he is just done, and says he wants "to be alone for a long time"... but claims he will be here for me during my pregnancy and for the baby when he or she arrives. My heart is breaking because I wanted him by my side through it all, and I thought we would have a family... and now, it looks like he is going to have two children with two different women and not end up with either of them. I am so hurt and I just feel lost. I have amazing family and friends, who are all very supportive... but what do I do? Give him his space and hope he comes around? Does anyone have experience with this?

divinemsbee · March 2014

I don't have personal experience, but I know people who have gone through similar situations. It's tough and it must be totally heartbreaking. The best thing you can do for you and your pregnancy is to forget about him (easier said than done, I know) and focus on you. Start relying on 'Team You' that is your family and friends who want to be there. Get prenatal care. Look into what programs you are eligible for (WIC/EBT/Medicaid) and get signed up. Take care of yourself. It seems as if you've decided already to continue your pregnancy and intend to parent, so start looking into FMLA with your job and looking at childcare.

It's time to get your own house in order to make this the best it can be. Will he 'come around'? Maybe, maybe not. But don't do or not do something because you think it might make him come back. If you want to have and parent a child, and if you are ready to right now are decisions you need to make for yourself. Don't count on him.

ETA: Go ahead and start looking at custody arrangements and child support. Different states process this differently, but he's going to pay something to you and he may end up wanting some visitation, it's a good thing to try to look into ahead of time.

Helenahhandbasket · March 2014

Sorry you are going through this.

I don't have any real advice for you, except to lean on your family and friends for emotional support.

Good luck to you.

mb314 · March 2014

I am so sorry you are going through this! I hope that your ex-bf comes around in the next several months, and even if you two don't have a romantic relationship, at least you can co-parent.

You may want to check out the Single Parents/Mothers board here on the bump. There may be more ladies there with similar experiences and who could give great advice for moving forward during your pregnancy.

Best of luck!

runningmama22 · March 2014

thank you ladies

I appreciate all of your comments... Yeah he said he will pay for whatever he needs to pay for, but I recently just emailed him asking if he doesnt mind chipping in for my prenatals and whatever too, and any medical bills along the way... he hasnt gotten back to me as he is overseas for work and might not have consistent wifi, but I hope he helps me with all of it. I agree it's totally irresponsible of him just to "bounce"... also thank you for the recommendation for the other board, I didnt know that one existed. I'm pretty new around here.

Thanks ladies

divinemsbee · March 2014

I get that he's saying he'll pay, and I hope he is as good as his word. However, with inconsistent wifi/communication it's going to be that much easier for him to blow it off or be unavailable. Get it in writing. I don't know if there are statutes for him paying for part of the pregnancy expenses, but once the child is born he's going to have to pay. Hammer out whatever agreements you need to and make them legal. This shouldn't be him throwing a hundred bucks here and there, once the baby is here he'll own regular monthly payments.

marajay6 · March 2014

sm640739 said:
thank you ladies I appreciate all of your comments... Yeah he said he will pay for whatever he needs to pay for, but I recently just emailed him asking if he doesnt mind chipping in for my prenatals and whatever too, and any medical bills along the way... he hasnt gotten back to me as he is overseas for work and might not have consistent wifi, but I hope he helps me with all of it. I agree it's totally irresponsible of him just to "bounce"... also thank you for the recommendation for the other board, I didnt know that one existed. I'm pretty new around here.

Thanks ladies

I am not horribly knowledgeable with the law, but I believe in some states a man can be ordered to pay child support for an unborn child. The challenge is proving paternity.

runningmama22 · March 2014

That's all great advice - thank you again ladies. He is only using the spotty wi-fi this week, he will be back Friday... but I have kept EVERYTHING in writing (emails and even downloaded a 3rd party app to print our whole text history). Have a lawyer in the family (although he isn't family law, he did tell me to cover my bases by saving everything), he is going to refer me to one of his colleagues to at least discuss what my rights are. I am hoping he has no issue helping me and actually means that, but who knows... words are just words, and his words meant nothing before so I'm not too confident they would now either, unfortunately. Ugh. It's hard being strong through it all and thinking about legal stuff when all I want to do is be happy in my pregnancy... I kind of resent him a bit for putting me through it all.

cMichelle0423 · March 2014

No matter what state you're in, you can't take care of any of the "legal" stuff until after the baby is born. Even then, you may be required to have a paternity test done then go from there. Depending on the outcome of your situation with your ex, I'd contact a lawyer asap after the baby is born.

MrsAdventure · March 2014

I am so very sorry you have to go through this. Here is my advise, keep in mind that I have not been in your exact situation. Hard as it may be not to lash out and tell him what a (insert exploitive here) he is being, or to contact him to tell him how much he's hurt you, it may be best to give him his space in regards to the emotional aspects of your relationship. Obviously, you will have a baby and he needs to be responsible for that, but you may have to put your own feelings aside. This is my own experience: many many years before my husband and I were married, he had commitment issues, major ones thanks to my MIL, and if I pushed him to much to talk (more like listen constantly) after we broke up, he felt like he was still in the relationship he was running from, and it only made him back out quicker and that only hurt me more. If he thinks he needs space, do your best to give it to him (and hope he 'suffers', for lack of a better word, from the void your absence leaves). Remember that you cannot force him to be a stand up guy, or to be the guy he said he was going to be before he found out about your baby, as much as it hurts you. Many many hugs for you. Please keep us up to date!

coco0914 · March 2014

I can't imagine the feelings of what you're going through, but I have seen many friends go through this same thing. I have a friend now that actually got pregnant after her and her boyfriend broke up but were still obviously sleeping together. He says he will be there for the baby and wants to help her but not be with her. She gets crazy on him and he will quit talking to her because she takes his kindness as him wanting her back when that isn't the case. It's very hard to see this for both of them. When two people can't be together some compromise has to be made with the baby in mind for co-parenting. It isn't fair for a baby to lose out based on mom and dad's inability to put their own feelings aside. I hope that he will be there for the baby as he says he will.

runningmama22 · March 2014

Update - he did write me a very kind email yesterday, saying he has been s*itty to me and is so sorry he is away and not spending time with me, and he will change all of that when he comes home to spend time with me... said no matter what happens he loves me and our little one and will always be here for us both... so I am not sure, taking it with a grain of salt. He did say he is "excited" which made me happier than anything else, because lets face it, a baby deserves excitement and happiness!! He also called me "momma" and "babe" but again, I'm taking it with a grain of salt... actions always speak louder. Last night his EVIL ex posted on stupid facebook how much she and her son miss him while he is away and will he call them?? Just to upset me - neither he nor her really use facebook, so it was a public outcry to upset me ... she knows I'm pregnant, and knows we are on a break! I hate people who purposely try to hurt others.

Thanks cMichelle, I plan to contact one asap unless everything is stable, and we are in a committed relationship. Because honestly, at this point, he already has to pay for one child with his ex (and they did not sort anything out legally, so he still pays her rent and still somehow has the son more days than she does) so I would think he is more likely to tell me "i just font have the money" and all of that nonsense... Lawyer seems the best way to go unfortunately.

Thank you MrsAdventure, I know exactly what you mean.. I am trying to give space but with his ex blowing up his stupid facebook wall about how much she misses him and cant wait to see him when he's back from germany, I'm like WHAT!! He needs to tell her to stand down, because she is causing me stress which I'm sure is affecting his son. I doubt my baby likes being flooded with cortisol when she does something nasty to get my attention

So hard to stay quiet when I feel like someone needs to stand up for me...

coco0914, thank you for sharing that, I have seen similar, actually with my BD and his ex. He would be kind and civil for the sake of their son, but she would take it as "more" and think it gave her license to blow up his phone when she knew I was with him, and all of that stuff. I will be sure not to be like that... I have seen how distasteful it looks, and I dont want to be that way for myself or for my child...

Thank you all for the advice and kind words, I appreciate it so much

I do have good news, just got my third beta back at 31,273! So I scheduled my u/s for this Friday morning

toomanycats1 · March 2014

It sounds like he's there for his DS if you say he has him more than the mother does. It also sounds like he's paying without a court order. I think you're making a lot of assumptions about his readiness to be a father. If he's a good parent to one child, he will probably be the same for the other. You can't cut him out because of how he reacted when you told him, or because he doesn't want to be with you. It's about your child now.... not you.

He can be a father to his DS without being with you. Sad, and probably not what you want, but true. My SIL got pregnant from a one night stand. The BD didn't want to date her, but did want to be a dad. They have no court order, but he's paid child support every day of my nephews life. She limits the amount he can see his DS, and has only this year (the child is 12) allowed his dad to see him without her around. She got what she wanted... but it's hurt my nephew immensely. It didn't need to be that way. (Yes, his dad is at fault for not getting court ordered visitation and for letting her dictate things in the first place).

The ex might be stirring the pot, or she might be getting a hold of him on FB because (like you said) he's far away and hard to get a hold of. Unfortunately, since his child is 3.5, he doesn't have the ability to speak to his father, other than through his mother. You have to deal with that.

The stress of her bothering you will not hurt your baby. If something goes wrong, it is not anyone's fault. You need to relax.

All that said, glad to hear your betas are rising :-)

MinnesotaMomma91 · March 2014

Fellow single mom popping in. Now might be a good time to block his ex. If she causes you that much stress just block her.

You dont have to see it. And unless your going through pow level stress, stress isnt going to hurt baby.

runningmama22 · March 2014

thanks @hellosweetie1, I understand where you're coming from on all of that. He just... well, lets say he has other issues in his life that if the court tested him for, he would fail. Thing is, his son's mom is just even WORSE so he is kind of the "more responsible" one there... I am just afraid about everything and catastrophizing I am sure. You know, like wondering if he will be like "Well I gave her all my money this month so I can't help you".. I don't care that he and I are together, it would have been nice if he got his s*it together and cleaned up his act a little bit (like he said he wanted to, recently..)... but I can't make him be with me or want to be, obviously. It hurts and part of me thinks it's not really fair she had 2 1/2 years of "family" with her son and I wont probably even get that... but like you said, it's about co-parenting now and about the baby, and I won't put myself first, there's no way at all..

@minnesotamomma91 thank you (and thanks again to PP as well) for reassuring about the stress levels - the internet is dangerous for these things, as it has the whole spectrum of possible "effects" of stress... I suppose I could have just asked my Doctor! I did block her right after it happened... un-friended him too actually, lol. I just don't want the stress, want to be mostly happy for my baby, this is a happy time... btw LOVE pretty little liars!! lol

MinnesotaMomma91 · March 2014

Op, if you ever need to talk im a reg over on the single parents board. Coparenting is rough, you will want a custody order, and a child support order in place through the courts.

runningmama22 · March 2014

thank you so much @minnesotamomma91....

update for all, he is back with his ex as of today. I caved and looked at her profile from someone elses since I blocked her (and her sister who rudely posted that he was her "brother" on facebook, implying the worst...) shes "in a relationship with Kyle" !!!! screw them. Ugh, so upset, looks like dinner is out of the question tonight. So sad I just want to sleep.

MinnesotaMomma91 · March 2014

sm640739 said:
thank you so much @minnesotamomma91....

update for all, he is back with his ex as of today. I caved and looked at her profile from someone elses since I blocked her (and her sister who rudely posted that he was her "brother" on facebook, implying the worst...) shes "in a relationship with Kyle" !!!! screw them. Ugh, so upset, looks like dinner is out of the question tonight. So sad I just want to sleep.

Im sorry this is going on, im sorry you feel hurt. But now is the time to focus on your lo. Its hard to move on when your pregnant and its okay to take time to mourn.

Try not to dwell on the fact he is back together with his ex. It will make you crazy. Try focusing on a hobby you have or develouping a new hobby. Take a class.

And youll find that like most things in life being a single parent has its ups and downs.

runningmama22 · March 2014

@minnesotamomma91 thank you for keeping it in perspective.. you're right, it's time to focus on little one. I feel like my emotions are all whack so it's hard to be calm and whatever, but I need to... I'm not dwelling on it too much. I figure better now than later, if that was what was going to be the outcome.

Thank you

MinnesotaMomma91 · March 2014

Trust me i have a story similar to yours. I understand how hard it can be to go through those emotions while pregnant.

Also focus on you, spend time with friends or family and eventually youll be okay and it wont hurt so bad.

Im not saying it will never hurt again cause it will. But it wont hurt all the time.

TXPyroMom · March 2014

Oh hun, I have sorta been in your shoes. You have gotten a lot of good advice on this thread, but I will add one more piece... whatever happens in the next few months, you make sure and give that baby your last name and not his. Even if you two are back together and all lovey dovey, that baby's birth certificate needs to have your last name cause it is hell to change.

Part of my story, I got pregnant at 25 with my live in boyfriend (we had been together for 2 years). We weren't married or engaged when the baby came, but i stupidly didn't listen to my parents and put his last name on the birth certificate... we broke up 3 months later and it took me 7.5 years and 10K to get my daughters name changed. I married a wonderful man 3 years ago and it was so hard to send my daughter to school with the last name of a man she didn't even see... let alone a getting calls from the school and being referenced as Mrs. 'notmylastname'. I am happy to report that as of Feb 5, a judge terminated the bio dads rights and my hubby adopted our daughter legally and we couldn't be happier.

So just to be clear, make sure you give your precious child your last name

And keep your chin up, I am so much stronger for what I went through as a single mom.

Want a personalized experience?

not sure where to post - Boyfriend walked out

Re: not sure where to post - Boyfriend walked out

Choose Another Board

Search Boards