Late Term and Child Loss

Ugh...Can't Believe This Happend (long story)

Today I went to pick up my two god kids (5 and 6 years old). I assumed their mom told them about my loss. We found out our little girl had holoprocensephaly at 20 weeks. We terminated a month ago at 21 weeks. I was already showing and we spoke with them prior to the dx about the baby and how they were going to have a little god sister or brother.

Anyway, today I go pick them up after not seeing them for a month and my goddaughter runs straight to by stomach and starts rubbing it and saying "when is baby coming out?" That totally caught me by surprise. I was not expecting to have to explain what happend to her. I assumed her mother told them. I did not prepare myself for that at all. I drove home and as soon as I stepped in, warned my hubby about what just happend. He was VERY upset that their mother did not tell them. I was actually surprised how upset he got. He feels like that should have been the parents opportunity to talk about life/death in the way they want their children to believe it.

We ended up having to tell the kids ourselves and of course they were confused and sad. They are still processing it. Did anyone have to tell young children the sad news? If so, what did you say?

Yelena + Rubere Married: 05/13/2011
TTC since 2012
BFP#1EDD: 06/21/2014  ~  TFMR --Holoprosencephaly 
Said goodbye on 2/10/2014 at 21 weeks. We miss our baby girl "J"
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Re: Ugh...Can't Believe This Happend (long story)

  • LyndseyTSLyndseyTS member
    edited March 2014
    I'm sorry that this happened. I would have expected the parents to explain to them as well - definitely puts you in an awkward position on top of everything else.
    Unfortunately, I don't really have much advice for you. There is a book about dragonflies and grubs (a metaphor for death, I guess...) that supposedly works well for children. I teach kindergarten to grade 6 and am still trying to figure out how I will tell them if they ask when I go back, as I was showing as well and a few students mentioned/asked about our daughter. It's such a hard thing.

    ETA: Here is a link to the story I was thinking of: https://www.achildofmine.co.uk/The-story-of-the-Dragonfly/I8.htm
    And you can buy it on amazon here: https://www.amazon.ca/Water-Bugs-Dragonflies-Explaining-Children/dp/0829816240/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1395462127&sr=8-1&keywords=waterbugs+and+dragonflies for anyone who might be interested
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  • ***SIGGY WARNING***



    I'm surprised that the parents didn't say anything, but maybe they didn't know how to approach it with them? Did you talk to the parents about the situation? I'm sorry you had to deal with that. :(

    My son was 3.5 when we lost Devon, but we involved him in our loss and had him meet his brother and attend the memorial with us. He was also pretty oblivious and younger than your godchildren, so we didn't have to explain much to him. He's now 5 and doesn't ask about his brother, but we still have pictures of Devon around our house, and we light candles for him on his angelversary and other occasions throughout the year. Once he's older, we'll explain what happened to his brother and will face that head-on.

    The book suggestion is a great way to help explain the situation to the younger kids. Again, I'm so sorry you have to face this. *hugs*





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  • I teach kindergarten and when we lost baby gary at 31 weeks I wrote a letter to my class explaining what had happened. The principal of my school read it to them and when I returned I told them that I could answer any question they might have. They were all very kind and mostly just wanted to hug me (which I welcomed) and tell me that they would miss my baby. My niece was much younger (3) and had a hard time understanding. For months she asked me about baby gary and why he was in heaven. Occasionally she still talks about him. She says she used to see him but not any more. I'm sorry you had to deal with this. I agree that it would be the parents place to have that discussion.
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  • ***DS mentioned***


    I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. Our son was 3 when we lost Colton and while he was very accepting of the fact that his brother was in Heaven, he still has a hard time understanding what that means, which is understandable. He often talks about Colton and asks where he is and where will he sleep and what would his nickname be - just whatever is on his mind. We were given a book called "we were going to have a baby but we had an angel instead" and we read that with him in the weeks after we lost Colton. We also try to include him in the things we do to remember Colton - we light a candle every month, we released balloons on his EDD, we all ran in a 5k as a memorial for Colton, we have photos and little elephants (which were in Colton's nursery) all over the house, including Landon's room - and plan to continue to do the same to help him remember him.

    The most important thing for us is following his lead - listening and answering any questions he has about Colton or babies or Heaven whatever he is thinking about. I've written about this quite a bit in my blog, the link is in my siggy, and you're welcome to PM me if you want to talk more. I'm so sorry you were faced with those questions, and that their parents didn't handle that conversation. ((Hugs))
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    Me: 32 DH: 33  High School Sweethearts  Married 5/28/2005
    DS1 born 6/5/10 at 40 weeks via emergency c-section due to fetal distress and IUGR caused by placental insufficiency
    DS2 born still 8/28/13 at 32 weeks via emergency c-section due to a complete placental abruption - cause unknown
    Baby #3 on the way, EDD 2/29/16.  Originally twins, but we said goodbye to Baby B at 8 weeks.
  • Explaining what happened was definitely the parents' responsibility, I'm sorry you had to deal with that.  

    Me 32 (Stage IV Endometriosis, short luteal phase) DH 38

    Married 5/2010

    January 2014- DS born healthy at 35.4 weeks

    February 2014- DS passed away due to complications from adenovirus

    February 2015- Rainbow baby DD born at 36.3 weeks

    My chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/42fd32 

     


  • I haven't been in this situation, but I did just want to say that I am sorry you were the one that had to do the explaining.  That is so difficult.  There is some unwritten rule that says that the family members spread the news so you dont have to.  I agree with @erinel - that was the parents' responsibility, not yours.  
  • I too had to explain to my little 2 yr old nephew when he came to see me at the hospital and asked me "Where is the baby?" Took everything in me to not break down and simply replied "She is sleeping." From time to time he will see her picture and ask where is she but I understand he just cannot understand what happened.
    I am sorry you went through that but maybe their mother wasn't even sure how to explain it to them or even wasn't sure if you wanted them to know.
    Once again so sorry for your loss and for what happened
  • MrsAdventureMrsAdventure member
    edited March 2014
    Like you, my husband and I were given the tough choice of termination. Our daughter Zoë had trisomy 13. I was 19 weeks when we decided to let her go, she would have been born this April. My grandmother has dementia and we live with her to care for her. She did not remember me being pregnant, so we left it at that. About a month and a half ago my grandmothers sister called and I answered the phone. I am close with her granddaughter and she was aware of what happened, plus my family has big mouths, so I assumed (my own fault) that the news would make the rounds as my hubby and I were open about it. She asked how I was holding up and if I was ready to be done being pregnant. I remember not saying anything for a really long time. We told just about everyone to avoid this happening. Mostly I just wanted to get off the phone before I fell apart so I broke my rule about not lying about our choice, and told her I miscarried. I was just about to leave for work when this happened so I got in my car and cried all the way to work. Having it catch you off guard is the worst, but you are completely right, the parents should have said something.
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    I'm so sorry you were blind sighted by this and hope you talked to the parents about it.  One perhaps good thing was you were able to explain it to them the way you want them to understand (I think other people don't like to tell their children because it scares them, and therefore they make it seem too "nice" - if that makes sense)

    My nephew is almost 7 and while he was at their memorial service back in the fall, he just asked DH and I this past weekend if I was still having 2 girls and 1 boy with this current pregnancy.  I think kids just get an idea in their head and it's hard for them to let go of that idea.  I think I'm telling you that to let you know that it may not be the only conversation you have with them.

    Again, I'm sorry you had to be the one to tell them...especially when you weren't prepared to.






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  • I'm sorry that happened - I can imagine your shock.  Our daughter was 3 when Coraline died. My only caveat in telling her and her friends is that I would be completely honest about what happened - no angel imagery, no heaven, etc. It's hard, and they will ask a million questions, but it does get easier the more you talk about it. 

     
    EDD 1/8/10 - our sweet sunshine DD born 12/30/09
    EDD 2/15/14 - Stillbirth at 21 wks 10/02/13
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  • veetveetveetveet member
    edited March 2014
    Our friend's son who is 5 casually said to me a week before my termination, "So Auntie..... is your baby still going to die?" Right in front of my daughter (3)... and we hadn't told her yet.... I wanted to smack him.... and his parents. Thank god she didn't catch on. That was notbhow we wanted to tell her.

    After the termination, we told her that her brother died, he had a broken heart and that his heart didn't work properly. We assured her that her heart works fine and so does mommy's and daddy's heart. She was devastated.
  • My sister in law still hasn't told my almost 8yr old nephew - besides the fact that he is a extremely sensitive little boy he has been around me since it all happened and I know he senses something is different plus the fact I no longer have my bump which I see him looking at. I am livid and want to tell him but feel it is her job but she said she doesn't know what to say which is pushing me to just step up and do it- not sure if I want to explain literally or tell him his cousin was chosen to be an angel. Either way it's so heartbreaking.
  • My sister in law still hasn't told my almost 8yr old nephew - besides the fact that he is a extremely sensitive little boy he has been around me since it all happened and I know he senses something is different plus the fact I no longer have my bump which I see him looking at. I am livid and want to tell him but feel it is her job but she said she doesn't know what to say which is pushing me to just step up and do it- not sure if I want to explain literally or tell him his cousin was chosen to be an angel. Either way it's so heartbreaking.

    Chosen to be an angel might scare him..... he may think, what if I'm chosen to be an angel. ... or my mom" etc....
  • kittymeowbarkkittymeowbark member
    edited March 2014
    Thank you all so much for your feedback and support.

    We did speak with the parents and explained that we thought this should have been discussed at home as a family. The mother explained that she just did not know how to approach the situation and did not realize that she never mentioned anything when I went to pick them up.

    We knew right away that we did not want to go into the whole heaven and angel thing with the kids. We are not really religious and we would not say this to our children either. We would have told our kids the truth about the situation and that is what we did with my god-kids as well.

    When we told the kids, the 5 year old was not phased at all. I don't think he really cares. He is more with the here and now. Even when we told him about the baby when we found out, he was not phased at all. My god-daughter however is very sensitive. She was looking forward to the baby a lot. When we told her that the baby died because she was sick and will not be here with us, she tried to change the subject quickly. Later on she was acting differently and I asked her how is she doing and this is when she started telling us that she was sad because she wanted to play with her god-sister. We spoke with her about the baby and what happend to her brain and how if she was here with us she wouldn't be able to play. I showed her my little lantern that I have by my bed and explained that whenever I feel sad or miss the baby, I light the candle in the lantern. We ended up lighting the lantern and she seemed to understand a bit more after that and moved on to playing with her toys.

    As a thank you for the support, here are some panda's being cute and fat.
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    Yelena + Rubere Married: 05/13/2011
    TTC since 2012
    BFP#1EDD: 06/21/2014  ~  TFMR --Holoprosencephaly 
    Said goodbye on 2/10/2014 at 21 weeks. We miss our baby girl "J"
    My Chart image
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
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  • This post helped me a lot- thank you for sharing xo
  • @veetveet‌ ‌ I agree that might scare him thinking more about it and how you explained it- thank you xo
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