Today I went to pick up my two god kids (5 and 6 years old). I assumed their mom told them about my loss. We found out our little girl had holoprocensephaly at 20 weeks. We terminated a month ago at 21 weeks. I was already showing and we spoke with them prior to the dx about the baby and how they were going to have a little god sister or brother.
Anyway, today I go pick them up after not seeing them for a month and my goddaughter runs straight to by stomach and starts rubbing it and saying "when is baby coming out?" That totally caught me by surprise. I was not expecting to have to explain what happend to her. I assumed her mother told them. I did not prepare myself for that at all. I drove home and as soon as I stepped in, warned my hubby about what just happend. He was VERY upset that their mother did not tell them. I was actually surprised how upset he got. He feels like that should have been the parents opportunity to talk about life/death in the way they want their children to believe it.
We ended up having
to tell the kids ourselves and of course they were confused and sad.
They are still processing it. Did anyone have to tell young children the
sad news? If so, what did you say?
Re: Ugh...Can't Believe This Happend (long story)
Unfortunately, I don't really have much advice for you. There is a book about dragonflies and grubs (a metaphor for death, I guess...) that supposedly works well for children. I teach kindergarten to grade 6 and am still trying to figure out how I will tell them if they ask when I go back, as I was showing as well and a few students mentioned/asked about our daughter. It's such a hard thing.
ETA: Here is a link to the story I was thinking of: https://www.achildofmine.co.uk/The-story-of-the-Dragonfly/I8.htm
And you can buy it on amazon here: https://www.amazon.ca/Water-Bugs-Dragonflies-Explaining-Children/dp/0829816240/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1395462127&sr=8-1&keywords=waterbugs+and+dragonflies for anyone who might be interested
I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. Our son was 3 when we lost Colton and while he was very accepting of the fact that his brother was in Heaven, he still has a hard time understanding what that means, which is understandable. He often talks about Colton and asks where he is and where will he sleep and what would his nickname be - just whatever is on his mind. We were given a book called "we were going to have a baby but we had an angel instead" and we read that with him in the weeks after we lost Colton. We also try to include him in the things we do to remember Colton - we light a candle every month, we released balloons on his EDD, we all ran in a 5k as a memorial for Colton, we have photos and little elephants (which were in Colton's nursery) all over the house, including Landon's room - and plan to continue to do the same to help him remember him.
The most important thing for us is following his lead - listening and answering any questions he has about Colton or babies or Heaven whatever he is thinking about. I've written about this quite a bit in my blog, the link is in my siggy, and you're welcome to PM me if you want to talk more. I'm so sorry you were faced with those questions, and that their parents didn't handle that conversation. ((Hugs))
Me 32 (Stage IV Endometriosis, short luteal phase) DH 38
Married 5/2010
January 2014- DS born healthy at 35.4 weeks
February 2014- DS passed away due to complications from adenovirus
February 2015- Rainbow baby DD born at 36.3 weeks
My chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/42fd32
I am sorry you went through that but maybe their mother wasn't even sure how to explain it to them or even wasn't sure if you wanted them to know.
Once again so sorry for your loss and for what happened
I'm so sorry you were blind sighted by this and hope you talked to the parents about it. One perhaps good thing was you were able to explain it to them the way you want them to understand (I think other people don't like to tell their children because it scares them, and therefore they make it seem too "nice" - if that makes sense)
My nephew is almost 7 and while he was at their memorial service back in the fall, he just asked DH and I this past weekend if I was still having 2 girls and 1 boy with this current pregnancy. I think kids just get an idea in their head and it's hard for them to let go of that idea. I think I'm telling you that to let you know that it may not be the only conversation you have with them.
Again, I'm sorry you had to be the one to tell them...especially when you weren't prepared to.
After the termination, we told her that her brother died, he had a broken heart and that his heart didn't work properly. We assured her that her heart works fine and so does mommy's and daddy's heart. She was devastated.
We did speak with the parents and explained that we thought this should have been discussed at home as a family. The mother explained that she just did not know how to approach the situation and did not realize that she never mentioned anything when I went to pick them up.
We knew right away that we did not want to go into the whole heaven and angel thing with the kids. We are not really religious and we would not say this to our children either. We would have told our kids the truth about the situation and that is what we did with my god-kids as well.
When we told the kids, the 5 year old was not phased at all. I don't think he really cares. He is more with the here and now. Even when we told him about the baby when we found out, he was not phased at all. My god-daughter however is very sensitive. She was looking forward to the baby a lot. When we told her that the baby died because she was sick and will not be here with us, she tried to change the subject quickly. Later on she was acting differently and I asked her how is she doing and this is when she started telling us that she was sad because she wanted to play with her god-sister. We spoke with her about the baby and what happend to her brain and how if she was here with us she wouldn't be able to play. I showed her my little lantern that I have by my bed and explained that whenever I feel sad or miss the baby, I light the candle in the lantern. We ended up lighting the lantern and she seemed to understand a bit more after that and moved on to playing with her toys.
As a thank you for the support, here are some panda's being cute and fat.
TTC since 2012
BFP#1~ EDD: 06/21/2014 ~ TFMR --Holoprosencephaly
Said goodbye on 2/10/2014 at 21 weeks. We miss our baby girl "J"
My Chart