Sorta Updated...Feeling left behind (sorry, long and whiny)

TJ1979 · March 2014

I'm sorry to whine here, but I need to get this out, and don't know who else to talk to. So obviously I'm going to come to my girls!

When I was pregnant with E and MH was traveling constantly, he gained a ton of weight. I tried so hard to get him to diet and exercise with me after E was born, but ended up doing it all by myself. Since he started a new job with less travel, and I got pg again, he has gotten on a serious health kick. He has started eating a basically Paleo diet (which I begged him to do with me for a year, but he thought was stupid. Suddenly his trainer recommends it and it's the greatest idea ever. Men!) and he works out 5-7 days a week. He even ran a half marathon! He has lost over 70 lbs, and I am insanely proud of him and happy for him.

However... I feel so left out and left behind. He works out at work during his lunch break. Fine, no problem. Half the time, he skips dinner and just has a smoothie, so I just make E something easy and eat cereal for myself. I don't like food much when I'm pregnant, so no big deal there either. On weekends, he just assumes that I'll watch E while he goes and works out. Okay, sure, working out is healthy, she's my kid, whatever. But.... what about me? When do I get to work out? When does he watch her while I sleep in for once? 7 hours of sleep a night is not enough for a full time working, 8 month pregnant lady. I'm exhausted. And now? Now he's decided he wants to start cross fit (which is fine, I really want to after the baby too) but that's from 7-8 every night. So I'd be responsible for dinner and bedtime routine every night alone (not to mention the cost! Gulp!!) We're only down to 7 weeks till #2 is here. How am I going to handle all that alone? And even after the baby does come, how am I ever going to fit in the gym again? We get up at 5:30, leave the house at 6 am, I get home from work at 5:30 pm, spend an hour with E, then do dinner, bath, bedtime. Then I get everything ready for the next day, shower, and go to bed. Throw in a newborn too, and I just don't see how it's possible.

Am I just panicking because it's getting close to baby time? Am I over-reacting and need to encourage MH to do cross fit if that's what he wants to do? WWYD? How do you and YH balance the time? Do you ever feel left out? Should I just suck it up and be happy that I'm finally a mom, which is all I ever wanted and find time to take care of myself once the girls are in school?

Sorta Update: So I haven't exactly talked to MH yet. Since this week is free crossfit, I'm going to let him take the week and see how much it affects us. We haven't seen each other for more than 30 minutes a day all week. Last night, after he left E sat at the door crying "dadddddyyyyyyyy, daddddddyyyyyyyy" for half an hour. I told him that this morning, but just in a very matter-of-fact way. He did make an effort to compromise some last night, by getting dinner ready for E and I before he left. But not seeing each other sucks. MH is a very stubborn man, and he does better if he thinks things are his idea. So hopefully he will see this week that this just isn't going to work out at this time. I will ask him this weekend how he felt the week went, and what he thinks he wants to do going forward. Thanks for all the great advice ladies, and it's good to know I'm not being a hormonal crazy woman.

luvboston · March 2014

In my opinion you are not overreacting, i would put down my foot he cannot do crossfit its the wrong time. And he needs to start helping out more, and giving you time to rest. You will burn yourself out, I know this because my DH is away 20 days at least a month and I do everything myself, if my family is not around then by the 7th day I usually can barely move, let alone being pg. I would sit him down and tell him how you feel or one thing I do with my DH is just stop doing things until he is forced to help and do them.

Hugs

TJ1979 · March 2014

Thanks @luvboston. He is usually really good about helping. And he usually cooks dinner every night, then I do the dishes while he bathes E, then I do bedtime routine. It's been working really well. That's why it's all the more upsetting that he wants to start doing cross fit in the evenings and messing up our whole routine.

TJ1979 · March 2014

Thanks @bellalou32. I do plan to talk to him, but I wanted to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable first. The reason he's insisting on doing it right now, is that the gym just opened so they are running a special on memberships. But even at the special price, it's a lot of money, and I'm afraid it's either going to get wasted once the baby is born, or he's really going to be gone that much and I'm going to lose it taking care of both babies alone.

Cwhitaker27 · March 2014

TJ so sorry you're feeling this way. Def. Kudos to YH for losing so much weight, that's awesome! I think you just need to tell him how you feel if you haven't already, and see what he says. Maybe perhaps you just want him to spend more time with you and E before things change drastically and the baby comes.
Honestly if it were me I'd tell him that I'm so proud of him for all his accomplishments but that you're feeling overwhelmed right now and ask him to wait to start the crossfit until after the baby is born and you have a handle on things.

The reality is that having a newborn is definitely going to throw a wrench in your routines but you can work through it together. Don't hide these early feelings of jealously because they will only turn into resentment towards YH. It will take time to get into a new schedule once baby's here but you'll work it out and be able to join him in getting healthy too, even though it may seem impossible right now.

As far as how DH and I balance time....we just work together. If there's something I want to do and need him to take care of DS I just ask. Don't assume YH has a clue about how you're feeling or even notices when you feel like you might be "sinking". Guys need direct communication, IMO.
Right now DH is training for a half marathon that i encouraged him to sign up for so I know that I have to do my best to take care of things while he goes out to run, whenever that may be, but that doesn't mean i dont get time for myself ever. On days I work hard and am feeling a little mire tired and overwhelmed he picks up some of the slack and vice versa.

As hard as it is, try not to worry about how you're going to do it all once baby's here. Enjoy your last few weeks as a family of 3 and work through it as it comes. None of us are supermoms. ****hugs****

mdiblasi10 · March 2014

My husband does CrossFit as well. He has a home CF gym, but also works out at a local place. He has built a bunch of equipment for them and in exchange they let him use the gym a few days a week. So my thoughts... does he have to go to CF every night? If he works out some days on his lunch break and some days at the gym, it seems like that could balance out the evenings with you and E.

I also agree with @Cwhitaker27 - talk to him about it and let him know what you want to do and when. I know that worked for me when I was feeling left behind while MH went to CF. We talked about it and he agreed to watch G a couple nights a week so I can go to Yoga or workout. There really isn't enough time in the day for everything, so planning it out helps.

I hope two can come up with a routine that fits in something for everyone

Good luck!!

Robeano · March 2014

I get that your DH is excited about weight loss, it does become a seriously motivating thing. But DUDE, your wife is 8 months pregnant and has a toddler at home!! Not the time right now.

As PP mentioned, talk to him about how you feel. Sometimes guys really don't get it. It seems like he thinks E is solely your responsibility.

I know for my hubby and myself, sometimes when he's clueless I approach him from a logic perspective. I find being emotional doesn't impact him. I say "honey you are doing XYZ, b/c you are doing this it makes me feel XYZ. In the past you said you want to be this type of man, and it is coming across that you are not acting that way."

We also have a 1-10 scale on things. When we are having conflict or I really want to do something but he's not totally on board. We say on a scale of 1-10, 1 being I don't care and 10 being I'll die if I don't do it; where are you on this subject. We have found that to be so helpful, cuz sometimes hubby thinks I'm at like a 4-5 on a topic, but I'm actually a 8-9 and he's like "oh, I didn't realize it was this important to you." Especially b/c I am a very happy excited kind of person I just like to do lots of things.

TJ1979 · March 2014

Thanks for the thoughtful responses ladies. I hate to be the kind of wife that tells him he can't do things. But I also don't want to be the kind of mom who is so overwhelmed with everything that I don't get to appreciate my babies. And I don't want their dad to be the absentee kind of dad.

Dragonfly1226 · March 2014

You are not overreacting at all. Your h deserves time to work out, but you deserve time too. And you also need family time. Talk to him. It doesn't sound like you are flying off the handle. Hopefully a discussion about it will help. Let us know how it goes!

pb_bride · March 2014

NO NO NO! That is not okay and you are not overreacting. He needs to realize you NEED some time 'off' too! I don't know how you do it right now, with basically NO time for yourself. I can't imagine living on 7 hrs of sleep while 8 months pregnant AND caring for a toddler. I am barely functional with 8hrs of sleep and I SAH and do nothing all day. Whereas your day starts at 5:30am and doesn't stop at all for 14 hours.

I mean, it's great that YH is now so into getting fit and lost the weight, but he needs to stop being selfish. And TBH, I don't think it is ideal to have such a strange dinner set-up for E. I honestly feel strongly that family meals is crucial for kids. It's great that E is a good eater, but sooner than later she 'll start wondering why she's eating foods different than you and YH, or that YH isn't going to be there for dinners.

I feel lucky that DH does help a lot. He acknowledges that I'm doing a FT job by being a SAHM, so he takes over when he gets home. He also lets me go out at least once a week at night for concerts (though I still cook dinners and we try to eat together before I dash off). DH does the bedtime routine anyway so it' s not like he gets extra workload. But he understands that I need my time off to do adult things and take off my "mommy hat" every now and then.

Mrs.AmyDylan · March 2014

Oh TJ! You are not being unreasonable! Yikes, his schedule sounds intense.

First, sit down and talk about the cross fit stuff now. There is no way he should be starting something like that now with t-minus 7 weeks until there is a newborn in the house. You will be incapable of bedtime for E and a newborn.

Next, I think you guys need to agree to a schedule. Maybe you could look at it like a draft, lay out a calendar with all the open pockets of E time (dinner, bath, Saturday morning sleep in, etc). Let him pick first, then you get the next two picks and so forth. Make sure you put in family time and couple time! And if he goes out of town, he forfeits his "me" time for the following day.

Moms can't do it all. Resentment is going to build if you don't sort this out now. Hugs and good luck!

PurpleIris30 · March 2014

My DH also does crossfit, but the point of crossfit was originally to use materials that didn't require a gym membership. I like that he can do a whole workout in less than half an hour and do it at home rather than driving to a gym. The gym membership was supposed to just be for encouragement, but things have changed now that it's trendy.

So maybe encourage him to do crossfit from home after the kids are in bed, and just find a gym with a punch pass system so he can go once or so a week?

PurpleIris30 · March 2014

I didn't see Mrs. Lee's post before I basically said the same thing. So ditto what she said.

Mnerani · March 2014

It's great he's taking his health seriously, but that can't come at the expense of being there during a really important part of the day. Besides, why does he need to do it every day? That's just not at all realistic for a busy family.

Mr. & Mrs. Woodtick · March 2014

((HUGS)) TJ I am sorry that things are so tough. I think you have gotten some great advice and I don't have anything else to add.

TJ1979 · March 2014

Oh awesome. And now be gets to go to bed early bc he's exhausted from working out twice a day. While I get to finish dishes and getting everything ready for tomorrow. Bc growing a human isn't exhausting. 8-|

pinkmickey24 · March 2014

Hugs TJ. I definitely don't think your overreacting. You bring up a lot of valid points and I hope DH hears you when you talk with him about it all.

Mayzie15 · March 2014

You're definitely not overreacting. My husband doesn't do well if I rant or vent. If he doesn't realize there's a problem what's worked for me in the past is to just stop doing certain things which drives me crazy but also drives him nuts and for whatever reason he steps up. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and really hopes he comes around.

mcgeeva · March 2014

I get it my dh decided to take up running while I was pregnant and woks run when he was home after work where like you there is no time when we get home before bed time. I wanted to go to the gym so bad before I was pregnant but he was rat keg home enough and would complain when I wanted to work out that he wanted to. I have no idea when there would be time now that the second is here but I assume it will be a long time till things are manageable to be able to do so. I will say now that are second is here he is too tired to run co hasn't been doing anything but helping me at night and complaining about how tired he is. Oh and he gave up sugar, alcohol and carbs for lent... Ha so he's eating peanut butter and pices for dinner. It's a joke and not healthy!

pb_bride · March 2014

TJ1979 said:

Oh awesome. And now be gets to go to bed early bc he's exhausted from working out twice a day. While I get to finish dishes and getting everything ready for tomorrow. Bc growing a human isn't exhausting. 8-|

That is not right! Why can't YH do the dishes while you get E's DC stuff ready? Perhaps you can write/print out a list of chores and show him how unfair the division of labor is right now.

imoverit · March 2014

So did you talk to YH? He needs to realize that all of this is going to make you resent him which wont be good. I hope he sees your side and is understanding. It is so not easy being pregnant with a toddler and doing it ALL by yourself. Hope you get your time soon.

TJ1979 · March 2014

Updated in the OP.

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