Completely overwhelmed.

jezebel57 · March 2014

I had depression prior to pregnancy so absolutely have a touch of PPD but need help ladies. The boys are ten weeks and I am losing my mind. The house is a wreck ( and I am talking hoarders, not jut messy), I have no time at all to do anything other than feed burp change and comfort and feel like I cannot enjoy the babies the majority of the time. I do see a counselor who also has twins and am going tonight for first time in several months, but need others to tell me what works for them. My mom comes over while DH is at work thank god. I feel like I can't be alone with the babies more than a few hours because when they both cry at the same time I freak out. I feel like I can't do this. I was in day care for many years and could handle 4 babies at a time enter I can't handle my own two. They were 4 weeks early so dr days will get better around 16 weeks. I am struggling.

jezebel57 · March 2014

Sorry mobile bumping and autocorrect sucks

LittleLady77 · March 2014

I'm sorry momma. I have no advice except for the whole "this too shall pass". I'm sure you are doing a great job. Hang in there.

TheDairyQueenx3 · March 2014

I'm so sorry things are off to such a rough start for you. What I do is find ways to make things more convenient for when I am alone. For example I have "diaper stations" in literally every single room in my house. That way changing time is a breeze and I'm not running up and down stairs to find diapers an wipes. We also keep two forms of seats or safe place to set them in the main rooms ( rock n plays in our bed room, cribs in their room, mamaroos in the living room, pack n play in the dining room and one in the laundry room, bouncy seat/swing in the kitchen, etc.) that way I can set them down but they can always see me saving us from melt downs. Swaddling even during the day has also helped. I also will do a lot of crock pot meals and frozen meals. Paper plates, disposable cups, and silver wear to save on dishes. I'm not sure if you formula feed or not but with my oldest I would pre make his bottles a day ahead and just keep the crock pot full of water to heat them. Baby wearing is how I get my cleaning done. I have OCD about as bad as it gets and my house always needs to be spotless or I will have a meltdown bigger than my twins haha! I can't take my meds for it since I'm nursing so I bust out the ergo and put on some music and my toddler and I dance while I wear the fussy twin and the other one who is happy will sit in his bumbo and watch us clean.

My twins are horrible nappers and sometimes (like last night refuse to sleep) so on those days we just stay in our pajamas and do absolutely nothing. I just tell myself there is always tomorrow to get the stuff done and right now we will just watch tv, snuggle and play on the play mat. As for laundry I have three bins darks, lights, and colors. So come laundry time there is no time wasted it's all just tossed in the wash as is and good to go.

It does get easier although it may not seem like it now. These days are short and soon the house will be easier to clean and you will be able to get more rest. Just find little things to save time that way you won't feel like your spread so thin. It's hard juggling two babies and feeling like you are giving them all they need.

You are their mom and you are doing the best you can and to them that means you are the best mama in the world

it's the hardest job around so don't feel bad if you haven't vacuumed in over a week and the stove top is a mess.

I hope your councilor can help you some. Hang in there!!

daisy19782011 · March 2014

I can definitely be overwhelming. MH and I are just now (at 4 months) getting OK being by ourselves, but we try not to leave the other one alone past 1-2 feedings...our girls are not great eaters. We just tried to have a lot of help at the beginning and all visitors got a bottle stuck in their hand to help feed!

I am so glad you are seeing someone who understands...that will go along way. I hope you feel better, and just know you are not alone!

ballygirl · March 2014

oh honey - I feel like I could have written this myself about 3 months ago. We bought a new house the day after the twins were born, so we were in boxes and I had 2 new babies. I was a disaster. The house was a disaster. The babies were disasters. I was so overwhelmed with the babies and could not handle them alone either. I didn't sleep, I never had time to eat or shower and I still have moving boxes that I haven't unpacked yet 5 months later! I definitely was not enjoying the babies.The double meltdowns really got to me. I remember one terrible night when DH was away and the babies were about 9 weeks and they both just screamed their heads off for hours. I was sobbing and so frustrated I actually yelled at the babies and then felt immediately guilty. I felt completely out of control and actually angry at the babies. I understood for a brief moment how someone could feel so overwhelmed and frustrated that they could shake a baby. It was a scary, terrible moment and that fear of losing control has not completely left me after 5 months.

I will say that at 5 months, things are definitely getting better. They are still hard, but better. I even have days when I enjoy the girls and feel confident and capable being alone with them. Each month has been a little easier than the month before and I have high hopes that we will actually have some enjoyable times this spring. So - it will get better even though it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel where you are. Its great your mother can come over to help you. Definitely take all the help you can get in these early days. The best thing I did for myself was to hire a mother's helper when DH was at work. She has been a lifesaver for me when I am having one of those bad days when the girls are fussy or won't nap or are screaming their heads off.

You are doing a great job! Don't worry about the house. Don't worry about doing the dishes or making dinner (I survived on Kraft singles and Life cereal for weeks on end). Don't worry if you can't manage to get yourself dressed or showered on a regular basis. These things will come in time. Sleep will come in time. Confidence will come in time. Some day your babies will look at you and smile as soon as you enter the room. They will laugh their heads off when you make a funny face and the sound of your voice will stop their tears. All of these things will happen and you will survive it and be a great mom!

ballygirl · March 2014

Also - I got a great tip from my nanny about the double meltdowns. Get yourself a box of earplugs and put them in when the babies are freaking out and you are at your wits end. You can still hear them, it just takes the edge off so that you can stay calm while you sooth them. I always have some for the middle of the night meltdowns because that is when my patience is completely shot and I am most likely to lose my shit. It really helps me stay more in control when trying to rock a screaming baby back to sleep.

HopeAlive3 · March 2014

So many hugs to you, friend!! I can hear you're going through a rough time right now, and I'm so sorry. I really wish there were something I could do to actually help you. I know your mom comes over, and that's so great to hear. Do you have friends in town who could also come over and help clean or cook for a couple hours each week?

Brummy14 · March 2014

::hugs:: PPs have great suggestions. Ditto on the earplugs. I suggested them to DH when his nerves were shot -- he still talks about that as being a major turning point for him. I remember having days where I felt like an abject failure because someone was *always* hysterical. Always. And, you know what? They are both (relatively) happy babies these days. This age is hard. Like, no one can prepare you for it, and no one gets it unless they've been there hard. It sounds like you are doing all of the right things. Take it one day at a time, and make sure you get a little time for yourself everyday - even if it's just a 5 minute shower. Some nights, that was enough to change my entire outlook.

lc&jw · March 2014

The early months are so, so hard if you have babies that are colicky or difficult to soothe. I felt very much like you when my babies were newborns. They were a 2 person job at all times, and I was terrified to be alone with them. I was also terribly sad about the fact that I wasn't enjoying my time with them because I was exhausted and just trying to survive. I was constantly an anxious wreck waiting for the next baby meltdown. All of that really started to change around 4-6 months when they could do more for themselves and started to be able to self-soothe and play. They became a 1-person job at that point and were much more fun.

Do whatever you can to survive right now. We hired nanny help that we could barely afford so that I was rarely by myself with the babies during the day while DH was at work. It was for a limited period of time and was a necessity that was well worth the expense (your sanity is invaluable). We didn't really cook for the first 6 months (freezer meals, takeout, prepared foods from the grocery store). We barely cleaned. It is all time-limited and you're already through some of the toughest times.

It truly does get easier. Hang in there! ((hugs))

Ylvelill · March 2014

I don't know much about your situation but perhaps being a stay at home mom isn't for you? Or isn't for you at this time anyway. Would it be possible to get them into care during the day while you could focus on getting yourself into a better place?

There is no shame in taking care of yourself in order to take better care of your babies.

What everyone else has said do far is great advise too if you choose to stick it out

I hope you find something that works, being overwhelmed for a long time is not good for anyone.

jezebel57 · March 2014

ballygirl said:
oh honey - I feel like I could have written this myself about 3 months ago. We bought a new house the day after the twins were born, so we were in boxes and I had 2 new babies. I was a disaster. The house was a disaster. The babies were disasters. I was so overwhelmed with the babies and could not handle them alone either. I didn't sleep, I never had time to eat or shower and I still have moving boxes that I haven't unpacked yet 5 months later! I definitely was not enjoying the babies.The double meltdowns really got to me. I remember one terrible night when DH was away and the babies were about 9 weeks and they both just screamed their heads off for hours. I was sobbing and so frustrated I actually yelled at the babies and then felt immediately guilty. I felt completely out of control and actually angry at the babies. I understood for a brief moment how someone could feel so overwhelmed and frustrated that they could shake a baby. It was a scary, terrible moment and that fear of losing control has not completely left me after 5 months.

I will say that at 5 months, things are definitely getting better. They are still hard, but better. I even have days when I enjoy the girls and feel confident and capable being alone with them. Each month has been a little easier than the month before and I have high hopes that we will actually have some enjoyable times this spring. So - it will get better even though it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel where you are. Its great your mother can come over to help you. Definitely take all the help you can get in these early days. The best thing I did for myself was to hire a mother's helper when DH was at work. She has been a lifesaver for me when I am having one of those bad days when the girls are fussy or won't nap or are screaming their heads off.

You are doing a great job! Don't worry about the house. Don't worry about doing the dishes or making dinner (I survived on Kraft singles and Life cereal for weeks on end). Don't worry if you can't manage to get yourself dressed or showered on a regular basis. These things will come in time. Sleep will come in time. Confidence will come in time. Some day your babies will look at you and smile as soon as you enter the room.
They will laugh their heads off when you make a funny face and the sound of your voice will stop their tears. All of these things will happen and you will survive it and be a great mom!

Thank you so much.

LucyRicardo3 · March 2014

I recently found out that:
Preteen girls that are in Girl Scouts are always needing community service hours (=GREAT extra hands sometimes just to hold a fussy baby and give a bottle), even a diaper change or laundry/light cleaning help.
also:
Some schools' Honor Society clubs now require a certain amount of community service hours for their incoming members, as well.
So if you could possibly know of anyone with a kid in either of these groups, you may have a great Mommy's helper, for free, if your budget is an issue.

I also highly recommend someone to come as a work-in basis every 3-4 weeks and just do 2 hours of cleaning for you or whatever your budget can allow, if only the bathrooms and kitchen scrubbing and dusting. It really helped my spirits when I'd come home from the twins' dr appointment and I'd scheduled a cleaning service while I was out. The house smelled wonderful and I didn't feel like such a failure. Don't worry about the clutter.. Just start with the traffic areas.

DH started a new job when the girls were just a few months old and traveled around the country for a few months. Both girls had severe reflux. I was alone, living in the middle of nowhere without reliable help from family nor real friends other than my 11 yr old son, and it was so very hard. No one understands unless they've been there. It also put a huge strain on my marriage at the time because I tried to internalize it all and beat myself up about being a terrible mom (not true).

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's okay if you have to put them down and let them cry for a few minutes while you step into the next room and get some cleansing breaths..

Angelahelena · March 2014

I have worked with little ones for over 20 years. Dealing w multiples is hard. Best advice I can give from experience is if they are feed n changed, it is ok for them to cry a little. Take deep breaths. Take care of you. If you d

PurpleIris30 · March 2014

Oh sweetie! Hang in there. I'm on my phone, so typing a long response is hard as we're doing bed time. I'll PM you.

If you can feed, burp, change, and comfort two babies, then you are having a successful day. The house, the cooking, all that takes a back seat right now. I know it's stressful to feel like you have all that hanging over you. The hardest part of newborn twins for me was feeling like I was just meeting needs and not having time to enjoy them. I don't think there's a clear light switch moment where it gets easier, but as you get more sleep and they start to develop personalities, it does get more enjoyable. You do have different challenges as they get older, so it's not an instant cake walk

, but you won't feel overwhelmed forever.

I will 100% guarantee with your experience in daycares that you are doing a better job than I did, but it's harder to have that emotional distance when they are your babies crying. I'm so glad you are getting some help with PPA/PPD -- it sounds so much to me like that's what is coloring your perspective right now.

Please, please don't be too hard on yourself!!

Wishing35 · March 2014

I'm glad you are going to see your counselor hopefully she eases your mind. I felt the same way your not alone in feeling overwhelmed it's normal . Right now you are still healing and so tired, trust me it will get better. I cried several times a day every day when my girls where born, I questioned if I could ever handle them by myself and be a good mom to them. Gradually things got better, is say by 3 1/2 months things where so much better! They are only 7 months now and the difference is night and day. I used to dread when my husband would go to work and I was alone with them, now we have a routine and they are such a joy to be with! Hang in there , get counseling and medication if you need it. Take breaks whenever you can even if it's just 10 minutes sitting by yourself. Forget about having your house perfect for now, just focus on making it through the day, one day at a time.

Angelahelena · March 2014

Angelahelena said:
I have worked with little ones for over 20 years. Dealing w multiples is hard. Best advice I can give from experience is if they are feed n changed, it is ok for them to cry a little. Take deep breaths. Take care of you. If you don't take care of you then you can't take care of little ones. Get help if you can afford it. Order online n avoid dealing w shopping w both. But go out for walks. Drag yourself out. It's spring now. Eat and nap or just let yourself snooze when you can.

BeckyP005 · March 2014

Lurking...Oh Jezebel I'm so sorry you are stressed. Funny I just sent you a pm awhile back wondering how C and M were doing and the night situation. I don't have any kids but the ladies gave you wonderful advice. Your doing a great job mama!! Me being a nanny and around kids I wish I was closer to you to help out! Hoping your counselor can ease your worries and give you some coping techniques. Take care

ceechie · March 2014

Everything pp's have said. It's just so hard. I'd, also, recommend a Local MoMs group. Those woman were just great to be around.
And when it it gets intense, put them somewhere safe and take a hot shower or whatever you need to decompress.
Huge hugs, you're doing better than you think.
Eta: tried to post before I was done. I'm big thumbed...

xladybassx · March 2014

Hi Jez!!! I am just lurking after a massive bump break and saw your post. I can't believe your boys are 10 weeks already! I don't have a ton of advice, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you are having a tough time. I know what you mean about feeling overwhelmed, especially when they both cry at the same time. I'm glad that you are getting some help during the day, and I hope that things will get easier soon.

katekat8721 · March 2014

No advice yet, only hugs for you mama

((((hugs))))

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