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July 2013 Moms
gutsymama
member
Our doctors didn't think the amount of anesthesia Friday morning would have much affect on Luke's gut, but we had a massive amount of vomit on Saturday, he's been reluctant to take his bottles and to eat all weekend and into today, and he dropped from 15#13oz on Friday morning to 15#4oz yesterday and stayed there today. They're sending out some IV fluids to give him a boost, and hopefully that's all he'll need. But this has dragged up all my issues about the milk again full force.
Mommy Guilt and Milk Sads /another vent
gutsymama
member
I've been having a hard time lately with the fact that I stopped pumping just before Luke started being able to take a lot of milk. I have tons in the freezer - enough to last for several more months - but he doesn't like the way my frozen milk tastes so we mix in a little orange Pedialyte to make his "creamsicles" because that's the only way he'll take it now.
It's very possible that watering it down has allowed him to tolerate a larger volume more easily - sometimes calorically dense things are harder for a short gut to handle. But it's also possible that if we didn't have to water it down with Pedialyte, he would be taking in more milk calories. And I'm constantly worried that giving him old milk = giving him bad milk, and I can't know for sure why he's refusing a bottle (even though it's usually because he's hit his max volume and more liquid will make him puke), or if he pukes whether it was because the old milk was bad. And if we would have to go back on TPN, I would hate not knowing whether giving him fresh milk (which we wouldn't have to water down, so he would get more calories) would've been enough to keep him from needing the TPN. We could start giving him some of the more recent milk, but then we'd have less total milk to give him and he'd have to wean sooner and there's a chance that after all the milk is gone, his body will have a hard time adjusting to a diet without breastmilk and what if we have a major setback because I didn't pump more milk for him? It's all hypotheticals, but all of these things are real possibilities and we can't KNOW.
I will never be 100% certain that I didn't do something to cause his defect. I have no idea why my body suddenly hit eject at 34 weeks. The only thing my body could do well for him was make milk, and I quit that because I didn't want to anymore, and I still feel incredibly guilty about it. I have thought about trying to relactate - I even squeezed a tiny drop of milk out of my nipple manually on Saturday - but I don't really have time right now to go back to a pumping schedule that has me hooking up every 2-3 hours around the clock, and I'm afraid that trying would take a huge toll mentally and emotionally, especially if it didn't work, and I'm not sure I can face EPing again (and then I feel more guilty about that, because it's entirely selfish).
I'm not digging for you all to tell me I'm a great mom and give me hugs and all that jazz. I think I've used up my quota on those things 
And I know that I've done everything I can for him, and that it was perfectly reasonable of me to quit EPing when I did - sometimes I just need to be sad and angry about these things without trying to feel better about it, I think, and today I just needed somewhere to get all this out. Poor DH has seen a lot of ugly cries recently (I also ordered first birthday invites over the weekend - oh, the tears) and he needs a break from my sads.
And I know that I've done everything I can for him, and that it was perfectly reasonable of me to quit EPing when I did - sometimes I just need to be sad and angry about these things without trying to feel better about it, I think, and today I just needed somewhere to get all this out. Poor DH has seen a lot of ugly cries recently (I also ordered first birthday invites over the weekend - oh, the tears) and he needs a break from my sads. FKA mimi4347: diaper rash magician and unofficial expert on excrement
This kid may not have a lot of bowel, but he has plenty of guts!
DS born at 34 weeks with (surprise!) gastroschisis turned short bowel syndrome.
131 days in the NICU, 7 trips to the OR, G-button, daily TPN....
DS born at 34 weeks with (surprise!) gastroschisis turned short bowel syndrome.
131 days in the NICU, 7 trips to the OR, G-button, daily TPN....
We are impatiently awaiting the day we can say goodbye to his girlfriend Ivy for good.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Mommy Guilt and Milk Sads /another vent
Also, can you AW the invitations?
Baby boy 7.10.13
I lost my angels 07/2010, 04/2017, 10/2017
Meimsx no more
DS born at 34 weeks with (surprise!) gastroschisis turned short bowel syndrome.
131 days in the NICU, 7 trips to the OR, G-button, daily TPN....
I know you didn't ask for it, but I feel that it's always good to remind you that you are enough for your son.
Let it out. Everyone is entitled to their bad days.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
I love the invitation, but I refuse to believe there are J13 babies getting close to their first birthday.
Baby boy 7.10.13
DS born at 34 weeks with (surprise!) gastroschisis turned short bowel syndrome.
131 days in the NICU, 7 trips to the OR, G-button, daily TPN....
L: 7/12/13
C: 5/11/15
E: 3/7/17
Due 11/10/18
DS born at 34 weeks with (surprise!) gastroschisis turned short bowel syndrome.
131 days in the NICU, 7 trips to the OR, G-button, daily TPN....
My little love was born July 20th, 2013!
BFP 11.11.12
TTC #1 Since March 2012
Super cute invites!!
And do your best to set aside the mom guilt. L is so lucky to have you.