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Parenting
secretsout
member
Venting/Need advice maybe
secretsout
member
in Parenting
This is definitely TL;DR, but I need some
advice, and it's so complicated that it's hard to condense. Long story
not quite as long, things are sort of going to shit and I don't really
know how to deal with it.
My dad was recently diagnosed with cancer. He is getting chemo and the outlook is decent. My mother and I are doing ok, but my sister is not handling it well.
Before the cancer diagnosis, she had a breakdown, and ended up in the hospital because her behavior scared my dad so much. She's been struggling with issues for a long time, and this finally encouraged her to get some help. She has been seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist and has been taking meds that seem to be helping her. But.
Since my dad's diagnosis, she has been spiraling out of control again, and is drinking a lot. Last night her friends called my parents late at night to come get her (she lives with them). This is not something new, but it is increasing in frequency and severity. Plus my dad isn't well and needs to be able to rest and not have to be so worried about her right now. Last night they took her pills away from her because they were worried she'd take the wrong things.
She told my mom this morning that she was fine and that they don't need to worry about her, that she's just sad. Which is fine, but we all are. She really has no concept of how her behavior affects everyone else and is very self-centered. My parents lose sleep and they are emotionally exhausted from their own shit already. My mom watches my son while I work, so she shows up upset and tired and short tempered. I'm already missing enough time at work for my dad's treatments that I can't just take a day off because I'm tired or because my mom is tired right now (I'm going to be looking into getting someone to come it at least a couple days a week to give my mom a break). And on top of worrying about my dad and all the other every day shit everyone has, we're all worried about her.
So
what to do? Anything? Do they/we just have to suffer through it?
They won't kick her out or anything like that. Is it appropriate for
someone to reach out to her therapist to mention what is going on?
My dad was recently diagnosed with cancer. He is getting chemo and the outlook is decent. My mother and I are doing ok, but my sister is not handling it well.
Before the cancer diagnosis, she had a breakdown, and ended up in the hospital because her behavior scared my dad so much. She's been struggling with issues for a long time, and this finally encouraged her to get some help. She has been seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist and has been taking meds that seem to be helping her. But.
Since my dad's diagnosis, she has been spiraling out of control again, and is drinking a lot. Last night her friends called my parents late at night to come get her (she lives with them). This is not something new, but it is increasing in frequency and severity. Plus my dad isn't well and needs to be able to rest and not have to be so worried about her right now. Last night they took her pills away from her because they were worried she'd take the wrong things.
She told my mom this morning that she was fine and that they don't need to worry about her, that she's just sad. Which is fine, but we all are. She really has no concept of how her behavior affects everyone else and is very self-centered. My parents lose sleep and they are emotionally exhausted from their own shit already. My mom watches my son while I work, so she shows up upset and tired and short tempered. I'm already missing enough time at work for my dad's treatments that I can't just take a day off because I'm tired or because my mom is tired right now (I'm going to be looking into getting someone to come it at least a couple days a week to give my mom a break). And on top of worrying about my dad and all the other every day shit everyone has, we're all worried about her.
I am so
angry with her right now that I can't see straight. My parents don't
know what to do with her. Confronting her will go badly, at best.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Venting/Need advice maybe
I'm so sorry for your father's diagnosis, and I hope his treatments help.
HIPAA would prevent a therapist from talking to you about her. But, HIPAA does not prevent therapists from listening to concerns, to the best of my knowledge.
What about taking a more direct course. Sit her down and tell her exactly how her behavior os affecting her family members. Tell her that her family wants to support her, but she needs to take some responsibility for her actions and recognize the effect it has on others.
You can't make her change, but at least you can know that you tried.
I agree that she is old enough and that tough love is in order but my parents just won't do it. They've enabled her for so long.... I keep telling them that she needs to go and they were so close to it, but then she had a "nervous breakdown" and is getting help so they don't want to disrupt that.
The problem with confronting her is that if I do that, she will make my parents' lives miserable. I don't have to live with her so I don't have to deal with it, but they will. She does not react to things in any sort of reasonable way and it will just make things worse on them, thus adding to their anxiety. I have about zero faith that confronting her will help, that's why I was wondering if it was appropriate for my parents to call her therapist just to mention some of the things that have been happening.
Honestly, if it's like this now, she's gonna have to hit some sort of rock bottom ugly place before she's willing to help herself.
Definitely look into alternative child care, that's the easiest way YOU can help in this situation.
I would cut her out, but that's just me. It's a natural consequence to her actions, and it sounds like she needs to see more of that. You can't control your parents willingness to pick her up from friends and things like that, you can only control your willingness to have her in your own life.
I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this, it just sounds like an all around tough situation. Hope your dad's treatments help him!
ETA: I just saw, did I read that right, she's still LIVING with your parents? Nothing will change if that is the case. Unfortunately, they're enabling her at this point and allowing the situation to fester. That's on them, in spite of the stress they're under, they're doing it to themselves
I really do agree with this. I'm really angry at them because the fact is that my dad ignored her issues for so long and my mom hates confrontation of any sort and now it's a big mess that is stressing them out. I'm really angry at my father because it's like all of a sudden he's realizing that she's not ok, when she hasn't been ok for 20 years. Like, how can he be surprised by it? But he is.
Ugh. I'm just too close to the situation. I feel like I need to know what is going on over there, but maybe I should just tell them to stop talking to me about it if they aren't going to actually do anything about it.
If it were me personally, I would not cut your sister out. Just try to offer support in regards to your dad and be there for her without letting her take advantage of you. Keep her at arm's length while being there for her if that makes sense. I try to stay a neutral party between him and my parents. Ultimately, she has to decide to get better for herself. I would try to take some stress off your parents if possible, including finding alternative child care. Good luck, it sucks dealing with this kind of situation:(
While she does need to realize she's not the center of the universe, maybe if you approach her from a stand point of concern and not confrontation she might see how her behavior is effecting others.