I feel nothing

JD83 · March 2014

I've been putting off posting about this, but I need to hear from others who may be dealing or have dealt previously with this. I feel absolutely nothing toward this baby. I'm doing everything I should be doing and I'm taking care of it, trying to help it grow and develop properly, but I just feel numb emotionally. No hatred, or disappointment, or love, or excitement, or happiness. Nothing but a curiosity. I thought maybe something would click after seeing the u/s or hearing the hb, but no. I felt relieved that everything was going well, but that's it. Whenever someone has said "aren't you just so excited?" I've had to fake a smile and lie. This isn't a "what should I do?" kind of post, because this isn't going to change that DH and I are starting a family, I just want to know if anyone else has experienced this and then turned around to be the loving mother that we all want to be? DH is super excited, and terrified, and happy, so I can't talk to him about this. He just thinks I'm abnormally calm about it. I admit it is rather unnerving.

JD83 · March 2014

Thank you all so much for this. I've been feeling guilty for not feeling "it." It's nice to not be alone in this. I feel less like a sociopath. ;-)

an02102 · March 2014

DS was a surprise accident. We were not ready for a baby at the time and I really had a hard time relating to the pregnancy. It wasn't till the anatomy ultrasound where we found out we were having a boy that I was able to start connecting with the pregnancy. I think also, once you start feeling the baby move around will make it feel more real as well.

Ceridwen21 · March 2014

I think it takes a lot of parents until later in the pregnancy (or even after delivery) to feel a connection, and that's totally normal and ok.

Have you seen the movie Waitress? There's a beautiful scene after she gives birth that made me think of this post. The connection wasn't made and the love wasn't felt until the moment she held her baby.

jmolr · March 2014

You're not abnormal. Everyone reacts differently. Some women don't form a bond with the baby until s/he is born and there is nothing wrong with that.

JackieB15 · March 2014

I had a hard time connecting with my first. Now I just love to hold her and stare at her all night, but it took me awhile to get to that point. It just happened one day. You'll get there.

When DD was only a month old I went to a holiday party and my brother's friend (who I know, but not well) told me congrats and he must have seen a look on my face or something because he leaned in and said "It's okay if you don't think it's the best thing ever, they're kind of like a succubus right now." I can't tell you how much that meant to me to hear my feelings were valid.

Tussie Mussie · March 2014

You've already gotten some good advice. Remember that pregnancy is 9 months for a reason. There is a lot to process, and no right or wrong way to do it. You will love your kid. Maybe not when you feel like you should, but it will happen, and you will have trouble remembering why you were worried

JD83 · March 2014

Succubus...that's hilarious!

Ceridwen, I will have to look for that movie!

Thank you!!

Altarun · March 2014

I agree with all of the above. I actually think it's been easier to "bond" during my second and now third pregnancies because I have more of a sense about what is coming. It's easier for me to envision the pregnancy turning into an actual child someday now that I've actually held my own babies. That was much harder the first time around when all I could really focus on was an expanding waistline and weird side effects. I had no way of really imagining what having a baby was actually going to be like. Spoiler alert, it worked out fine, love my kids to bits, totally bonded, etc.

Also - all I can think about from your title is that song from A Chorus Line. . .

brittneyandadam · March 2014

You're definitely not alone. I'm so happy that we're pregnant, especially after all we went through...but it just feels so foreign. We talk about her, call her by name...but I just can't say that I love her or that I'm really attached at all. I feel relieved when I hear the hb and when I see her on u/s...but it's more of like "oh, ok, good. Now I can get on with my day."

I do feel guilty too b/c I know DH is already smitten with her and our parents are just so excited. It's nice to hear that I'm not the only one:-)

emmylu30 · March 2014

For me it took some time. Feeling kicks is great and helps to make it more "real" but for me it wasn't until after my first was born that I started to make a connection. The newborn stage for me was really hard and I didn't feel a strong connection with him until he was more like 2 or 3 months old but it has grown exponentially since then and now I couldn't live without him.

sapphires-and-diamonds · March 2014

This is my first too and I feel the same way. I have a feeling this is how I will be through the whole pregnancy. It's pretty disappointing, but I am not surprised this is how I feel. I'm not a very emotional person to begin with. I've never been all gooey over babies or being a mom, but I do know I will eventually love the snot out of my kid.

JD83 · March 2014

Bumpies are the best. Or maybe it's just the Sept '14 board, I don't know, but you guys friggin' rock! I really can't thank all of you enough.

Group hug?

ConversationFear · March 2014

I'm in a similar boat. I keep thinking once I feel him move around it might change? All of my friends and family are so excited. They always ask how excited I am with this high-pitched squealy voice and I have to fake it. It's not that I don't want the baby, I just don't think a.) I am a "squealy" person and b.) it has hit me yet that it's real. I felt the same way when planning our wedding. Never once did I feel like what I was doing was anything special and when the day came, I realized what a big deal this was, but I still wasn't all screamy about it. I was just like, "Bring it. I'm ready for this."

JD83 · March 2014

We're going to find out, but we just have to wait a few more weeks. We have names picked out, but since we don't know which one to use, we have a nickname we use that's a play on DH's call sign. Hoping it will become more real and less of a science experiment once the u/s actually looks like a human (the last one was at 6 weeks) and I can feel it move. I just thought I should feel...something...by 14 w. I don't know what, but something. Just so glad to not be alone.

MrsLaLaBug · March 2014

@JD83 you are totally not alone! I'm so caught up chasing after DD, working full-time, and trying to pay DH some attention in the midst of feeling not-so-good that I feel like I still haven't even processed that I'm pregnant half the time. Other than my clothes not fitting, of course.

With my 1st I felt that "bond" much sooner, but every circumstance is different. This time around since nothing is "new" or it's not the "first U/S, first heartbeat, first baby kick", I feel guilty as well at times because I'm not as 'excited'(if that's the right word) as before. And that's just me, because with the first pregnancy every single small thing(the good parts that is lol) was new and foreign yet super cool and exciting.
Big Lalabear hugs to you!! muah!
:x

ChesTal · March 2014

I'm a FTM and feel similar as well, I thought by this point I would feel more than I do. I'm a very emotional person, I care deeply for them but that unconditional connection is still coming. I think it will get better when I start feeling kicks. Everyone I have seen/ heard talk about say it is common and completely normal to feel that way.

Beedeck · March 2014

I agree with PP, my attachment is just now starting to really form because I can sporadically feel the baby's movement. With this being my second I feel like it is much harder for me to get attached to this LO, I worry so much how the new baby will effect DS that I haven't been able to just enjoy this one like I did with my first. I know this will all change and it has already started to get better, I'm really looking forward to a few weeks when I will be able to feel real kicks daily.

Don't sweat it, the bond will come.

mrsH1112 · March 2014

I will reiterate what everyone else has said...I think its totally normal. Everyone experiences things in a different way and has different reactions to pregnancy. Ive even heard that its completely normal to not fall head over heals in love with your baby in the first few days of having it.

In the beginning of my pregnancy I felt very similar to you. Sure I was happy I was pregnant and looking forward to it, but I didnt feel different I didnt feel attached etc.

For me what changed things was seeing the U/S and I have also been writing the baby letters just about how Im feeling and whats been going on in life. I have felt more of a bond etc.

peanutbuttervibes · March 2014

I feel nothing but pounding headaches, sore boobs, and extreme bitchiness... Oh and the occasional spurts of sadness!! Although it is definitely different than my first pregnancy, I'm not worried

ChesTal · March 2014

mrsH1112 said:
I will reiterate what everyone else has said...I think its totally normal. Everyone experiences things in a different way and has different reactions to pregnancy. Ive even heard that its completely normal to not fall head over heals in love with your baby in the first few days of having it.

In the beginning of my pregnancy I felt very similar to you. Sure I was happy I was pregnant and looking forward to it, but I didnt feel different I didnt feel attached etc.

For me what changed things was seeing the U/S and I have also been writing the baby letters just about how Im feeling and whats been going on in life. I have felt more of a bond etc.

I agree that writing to the baby helps too, we have a journal (notebook) that we write to them in once a week.

softsoprano · March 2014

FTM, I've been feeling kinda the same way. I'm excited about the baby, but I don't feel a connection. It's also hard not knowing the sex or feeling any movement. I'm sure it'll get better, but so far this pregnancy has been about how crappy I feel.

adoxyinherear · March 2014

What you're feeling is totally normal. I felt very connected from the first when I found out I was pregnant with DD, but this time around, I just don't know how I feel. I know I'm happy that she'll have a sibling, but I don't feel like I'm really attached to the idea of this baby as an individual yet. I had an unexpected u/s a few weeks ago and seeing the baby was kind of a shock, because I just don't feel different, emotionally or even much physically.

You will surprise yourself with how much you can love. Sometimes it takes a little time, and that's okay.

chardonnay24 · March 2014

I felt the same way with my first. I think it was hard for me to really connect with someone I didn't know. Even after we saw u/s pics, found out the sex, felt movement, it just didn't seem real. I didn't have that huge rush of emotion after he was born, either. They put him on my chest and I was all, "Oh, it's a baby. Hi." Then I went to sleep for 8 hours. When I woke up the next morning, we started to bond a lot more. It just takes some people time, I think. And it's completely normal.

mrsdanielleM2010 · March 2014

@jd83 please don't feel like you're anything less than exactly enough. You're taking care of yourself, you're taking care of doctors appointments. Your kiddo doesn't need anything beyond a healthy place to chill out and grow. Other people feeling an early connection doesn't make them better or you worse, it makes you different, and that is fine.

mrsdanielleM2010 · March 2014

@moose0512‌ hugs. You are ALSO exactly enough for your kiddo.

babyd143 · March 2014

Big hug mama!

crystangel · March 2014

I'm so glad to hear all this as well. I've been waiting for that "feeling" and it doesn't seem to come, but I am strangely reassured by all your comments.

RobynD99 · March 2014

I've had a very symptom-less pregnancy so far, and since I'm a chubby girl to start with I'm not even really showing. I wouldn't believe I was even pregnant if I hadn't seen the u/s! I'm hoping when we find out the sex, pick/argue over names, and start buying stuff, we will be more excited.

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