I'm struggling

mae0111 · March 2014

I'm hoping you ladies have some advice or encouragement for me, because I'm struggling...

DD1 is 4.5, and her behavior recently has been awful. Hitting, kicking, lying, screaming "I hate you" at DH and I. If she doesn't get her way, she dissolves into a puddle of tears. We've tried hugs, time outs, yelling, removing privileges, star charts/prizes... nothing seems to be working. She's in preK 3 days a week, and on the other 2 days, she's with our nanny doing various activities (gymnastics, story time, library, park when it's nice, craft time).

Coinciding with this streak of terrible behavior, I had brunch with some of my friends from high school over the weekend. I've known these women for over 20 years, and none of them ever really had a career. Even before kids. Which is fine, but it means that they don't quite get what my life is like. I mentioned that either DH or I plan to slow our careers down within the next 5 years, and the response was, "That's a good idea. It doesn't matter how much money you make. What matters is the time you spend with your kids." In the same breath, one woman told me that she can't afford HEALTH INSURANCE through the state (~$250 a month), but that she would NEVER go back to work because it is way more important to be home with the kids.

So I know they're not coming from a logical place, and I need to take their comments with a grain of salt, but it still felt like a kick in the gut. And I can't help but wonder if my kids would be better off if I quit. This behavior is so unlike DD1, and it makes me wonder if she's screaming out for help. DD2 seems to be thriving, which makes me happy, but I'm just out of ideas. I'm at my wit's end.

djm31012 · March 2014

I think every day working parents struggling with the thought of whats best for their family...working and providing income/opportunity or staying home. I know I think about it daily. That being said...I think the actions of your 4.5 year old sound very normal for the age...she is testing you and your boundaries. Just stay consistent in your messages. Is she acting this way at school? I think maybe it would help both of you if you could take a few days off and spend some one on one time together. She would probably love the attention and I think it would give you a better sense of if there was a real problem you needed to be more involved in, or i f its just natural development.

mlee116 · March 2014

You are definitely not alone. I'm not going through the behavioral stuff (yet!), but I also wonder every.single.day if I'm doing the best thing for my family by working. But guess what: My friends who are SAHMs do the same thing sometimes.

You just have to look at your own situation very honestly and make that decision. I would love to SAH, but right now, its just not right for us. Its so easy to compare yourself to others, but you can't see the whole picture. I'm hard on myself because I see other moms who SAH and wonder why we can't make it happen financially, then I hear them talk about how much debt they have or how they are struggling and I realize that I'm doing the right thing. I agree with PP in that there's no perfect solution--you're always going to be sacrificing something either way. Right now, today, I just know that I'm doing my very best and working hard so that my son has what he needs. And when I get home, he's going to have some good quality time with his parents. Thats what I have to focus on right now.

As for the behavior stuff, I don't really have advice for that

. I second PP that its probably a phase and she's testing you so I'd just try to be as consistent as possible and get some good one on one time to see if you can gauge whats going on. Good luck and don't be so hard on yourself!

QueSrah · March 2014

I don't think being a SAHM is a magical cure for behavior issues. Kids will go through phases of being difficult and testing their parents, whether or not one parent stays home with them until they go to elementary school. It's just time to find a new tweak to your parenting to handle the latest round of testing. Now is the time to work on how to teach her to handle small disappointments like not getting the X she wants as soon as she wants it - not quit your job and assume that that will itself change things.

MommaP12 · March 2014

I'm sorry you're going through this. Can you talk to her teachers and see how her behavior at school is? Has she gone through anything major lately that my cause her to lash out? If that all checks out then like the PPs has said, she's probably just testing the waters.

I'm also one of those who worries about what, if any, effects my working full time will have on the kids. My mom was SAH and I have so much guilt over not doing the same. There is no way we could ever afford for me to quit and I'm currently the breadwinner and insurance provider. I'm hoping in the next 3 years the tide shifts to my DH income being greater than mine (he owns a growing small biz) and that I can maybe go down to 4 days a week. Until then, I just do the best I can and save a lot for my 401k and make sure we have no debt. Hugs to you!

Nikosmom · March 2014

::lurker here::
Age 4 is tough!! We never had terrible 2s or 3s. So this is it for us. DS is a really good boy overall but has been testing the waters with what he can get away with. Not listening, fresh talk, little lies, etc. he recently had a teacher leave at preK/ daycare. And I also have a 5 month old baby at home.
I work full time also and feel the same.
You just have to try to be consistent and hope that it ends soon (as annoying as that is) we have good days and bad. I try to just take one day at a time cause I was getting angry and making myself crazy over it. I just try to be stern when needed and lots of positive reinforcement, sometimes he suprised me!
Please don't let what other people think or say get in your head. You are doing the best job you can!! Their life isn't yours and I'm sure your happy with your choices, don't second guess it!!

PSU_Texan · March 2014

I can't advise on the behavioral issues... we have our fair share of them from our almost 3-yr old. But I wanted to offer some support. I had a full-time working mom in a very high powered career. She has always advised me that quality is more important than quantity. So when you are with your child be firm, consistent, attentive, and loving. Make sure you are not trying to divide your attention between the blackberry and your child. Same goes for your DH. I have very fond memories of my mom despite the fact that she worked a lot. She was there and attentive for the important things. She is the reason I feel confident in my ability to work full time. Your kids will turn out fine.

djm31012 · March 2014

@mae0111 have you ever seen the movie "I dont know how she does it" with sarah jessica parker? its a really cute movie that I always think every full time working mom should see. It just puts things into perspective. and you would enjoy it!

jlaOK · March 2014

I really think that you need to ignore your friend's comment. I do agree that the time with your kids is what is important in life, but that doesn't mean that 8-5 M-F are the only times that matter. My mom was going to school or working through most of my childhood. I never remember wishing that I spent more time with her or acting out just because I went to daycare.

My DS is almost 4 and I can tell you that kicking, screaming, and crying are regulars in our house.

Remember all of the great things that you can do for your kids by being a working mom!!!

Ago · March 2014

Is the daycare noticing a sudden difference? Age 3 was really tough for us, but 4 seems to be going better so far - so maybe she is going through that difficult stage now. Another thought - maybe getting her checked at the doctor? I found out that when my daughter is REALLY acting out - hitting for no reason, screaming at people, can't calm down - she is constipated. That is her first indication to me, and it is noticible when it happens.

dashofreality · March 2014

I completely agree with @quesrah, I don't think this has anything to do with whether you work or not. Go on the SAHM board, it is not like every kid on their is an angel. I don't have a 4.5 year old, but I have gone through cycles of misbehavior with my 3 yo.

The one thing that has worked for us is to try and find out if we are doing anything that is making her feel out of control, and make an effort to give her as much control/indpedence/responsibility that she can handle. We had a hitting stage when we were potty training until we stopped asking her if she had to go potty and left it all up to her. Next misbehavior time I set up cereal and her clothes so that she can get dressed and her breakfast by herself.

Also, be careful with 'trying everything' because that isn't consistent. I would decide how you want to discipline/parent and do that, recognizing that you are going to have difficult times that you just have to weather.

Don't let the mommy wars get to you. Everyone is just trying to do their best for their families and feels the need to justify their decisions.

mae0111 · March 2014

I want to thank you all for your words of encouragement and advice. I truly appreciate it. Other than the women in my office, I don't have a lot of working moms in my circle. My friends with kids stay home, and my career-minded friends don't have kids. I'm on a bit of an island.

I feel like I spend most of my time with my 4.5 year old issuing time outs lately. She slapped her sister (just turned 1) because she touched something DD1 wasn't using, wasn't interested in, and wasn't even near at the time. It's hard to stay calm when she's kicking me in the shin and telling me she hates me. She used to be so sweet. WTF happened???

(

I'm very good about separating from work for the limited time I get at night. The blackberry stays in my work bag until the kids are in bed. We try to have some quality family time when I get home, but if I'm not paying sole attention to her, she acts out. I don't know if I should try to give her more 1:1 time, or if she just needs to learn that she is not the only one in the house anymore. I'm wondering if this has to do with her sister becoming more active and mobile...

Anyway, again, thank you all for the support! I really appreciate it!!!

mae0111 · March 2014

PrivacyWanted said:

I definitely think having the younger sibling become more mobile changes the dynamic. DS is now 13 months, DD is 3.5 and I've found myself repeating "we don't hit" "use your words" a million times lately. We went to the train museum yesterday and DD was very pouty because now DS plays with the trains too and she's used to that being her time to play while DS sits contently in the stroller. I think the only solution is to wait it out, and keep showing your DD that you still love her, and how much fun it can be to have a sibling to play with.

You know, just last night, I felt like the kids played "together" for the first time. DD1 was playing in her kitchen, and DD2 kept trying to hand her play food to add to her dishes. They were sharing, where in the past DD1 would just take away anything that DD2 had in her hands. I know they're not always going to get along, but I'm hoping there's a little light at the end of the tunnel.

itsmevkb · March 2014

The idea that stay at home equates to better behaved kids is just nonsense. Behavior is a mixture of a child's personality and parenting style. If you have an overly indulgent parent, staying home will most likely just make matters worse, not better. My just turned 5-year-old has a tendency to break out in tears at just about the drop of a hat but we don't have issues with hitting, kicking, etc. I am a pretty no-nonsense parent and immediately shut-down things like hitting from about the age 18 months forward so I don't know if that's actually worked or if I'm just lucky to have three older kids who aren't interested in that kind of acting out. As with most things kid related, consistency on your part is key.

Having younger siblings is rough, especially when they don't understand sharing, playing nicely, etc. My youngest will just grab toys away from the older kids but she's only 16 months old so it's no big surprise. I tell the older kids to deal - as in you have a million blah blah blahs so either go find another to play with until Maren gets bored and puts down the one you want or offer a different one to her and hope she takes it. And, I remind them often that soon Maren will be old enough to understand better how to play with everyone else.

Parenting is rough enough, don't be so hard on yourself.

snicksnack · March 2014

I wish I knew you IRL because I am going through the exact same thing. DD just turned 4. My mom watched her until Jan she was suppose to watch them until June but it was too much when my son got really mobile. As a result DD has been in this crazy childcare routine that includes a part-time preschool for two half days and two days of daycare and we day we have to cover until a daycare as an opening thank god she will start three days this week. Additionally, we are in the middle of moving. I got an email this week that she has basically been hording toys at preschool and not using kind words to her friends, she did the same thing at my friend’s house when she watched her and yesterday she was mean to my mother-in-law. I could tell MIL was annoyed and I very much feel like I am being blamed for this behavior because I work. I asked daycare about her behavior and they said she was fine and could stick up for herself when others take toys so sounds to me like they are encouraging the fight it out mentality where as the preschool has a different approach. There is no consistency and I feel like I can’t control the situation or mold my child into being a kind person and therefore I am being blamed for the behavior. I broke down in tears talking to my husband yesterday. I just don’t know what to do. Like your daughter slapping your other child my DD kicked her brother who feel and hit his head and ended up in the ER. She showed empathy so I know she is not doing down a bad path hopefully she was just upset he pulled her hair. I hear the comments you mentioned all the time and feel like some people think I (and all working moms) work for expensive things which is not the case. I have been feeling very down lately I am glad to know I am not alone. Good luck

aglenn · March 2014

Mine are 2.5 years apart and DD (the older one) has always been sort of sensitive and intense, so we have had more collapsing into tears than hititng, but the emotions have definitely run high since her brother was born. He is 2 now and as he gets older and is able to do more of the things she can do and get into her stuff, etc. these become new triggers. The acting out and emotional behavior kind of comes and goes with her; on the whole, it has gotten better with time but we still have issues sometimes.

The positive side of that, though, is that she does play with DS a lot more now that he's older. They really love playing together and that is the best thing ever. DD, too, notices that now that DS is getting bigger he's more accountable for his behavior, and that has helped in a weird way. I think when he was a baby and toddler it felt to her like she was getting corrected all the time and he was just the happy cuddly baby who could do no wrong, if that makes sense. I noticed this and tried to balance it out and give her positive feedback as much as I could, but I think she still felt that way. I have noticed a difference as DS has gotten older and this has started to balance out a little more.

And honestly, I think going to preschool and having her own friends and her own daily routine that doesn't involve her brother has helped more than it has hurt. I think it would have been harder for her if I was at home with them all day every day.

mae0111 · March 2014

itsmevkb - I haven't had to use the no nonsense approach until recently, because the hitting/kicking/i-hate-you stuff hadn't come up before. Our nanny is very calm, but very no-nonsense, and we try to follow the same approach. She never yells at DD, but she is very firm - if you kick, you will lose privileges and go to timeout. There have always been consequences, but things have just started to escalate.

@snicksnack - it took my parents a looong time to come around to the fact that I was going to be a working mom. My mom and my sister are SAHMs, and they didn't see any other way. Now that they see that my kids are thriving (for the most part) and saw the bottom nearly fall out of the economy a few years back, they see my point of view. But they still make comments about other working moms (but the comments absolutely apply to me, you know?). I hear you - it's really tough. I'm sorry you're feeling down, and I hope things improve for you soon.

itsmevkb · March 2014

mae0111 said:

itsmevkb - I haven't had to use the no nonsense approach until recently, because the hitting/kicking/i-hate-you stuff hadn't come up before. Our nanny is very calm, but very no-nonsense, and we try to follow the same approach. She never yells at DD, but she is very firm - if you kick, you will lose privileges and go to timeout. There have always been consequences, but things have just started to escalate.

@snicksnack - it took my parents a looong time to come around to the fact that I was going to be a working mom. My mom and my sister are SAHMs, and they didn't see any other way. Now that they see that my kids are thriving (for the most part) and saw the bottom nearly fall out of the economy a few years back, they see my point of view. But they still make comments about other working moms (but the comments absolutely apply to me, you know?). I hear you - it's really tough. I'm sorry you're feeling down, and I hope things improve for you soon.

So I think just stay consistent with what you're doing then and eventually it will work itself out. Sometimes thing just get worse before they get better as kids like to test their boundaries. I know it's hard and frustrating but it gets better.

rubber_chicken · March 2014

Four is hard. I read that how your child is at four is basically how your child will be as a teenager - it's like a preview of the horrors to come

I think you might need some new tools for managing your daughter - timeouts can lose effectiveness (well, anything can lose effectiveness over time). I loved the book Parenting with Love and Logic, and reread sections every 6 months or so to keep the tools fresh in my head.

And ignore your friends - I know plenty of poorly-behaved children with SAHMs. There's no relationship there.

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