"I can't wait to hold them" and why I hate that phrase (rant)

abwatts · March 2014

This may be the one single phrase that sets me off more than this right now!
I'm trying he to be patient and gracious and I know when people say this it's because they are excited and love our boys. But the very last thing in the world I care about is when Everyone else can hold them!! I'm concerned about O2 levels, learning to feed, Brady's and getting my boys string enough to come home so we can be a family!! It would be nice if just once somebody said "oh I'm so excited for them to come home so you can be together"... And stopped being so concerned about coming to see my "new toys", which is how I think people in general view other peoples babies. We have said absolutely no one holds while they are in the NICU, and we won't be allowing anyone to come over till both boys are home a week. We deserve that time as a family!! But I get anxiety just thinking about people coming over and taking our babies out if our arms!! Am I nuts?

Tylynngrace · March 2014

DS has been out of the nicu for almost two months and people still have to beg me to let them hold him. If I had it my way no one would come over to see him but we're living with my parents currently so I don't have much say.

But I think it's completely okay to have a week to yourselves and not let others hold them. We tried having a week to ourselves but H would rather go to the gym then listen to DS scream.

Missi576 · March 2014

Thank you for saying this. I am struggling so badly with that type of statement myself. It makes me feel like they're going to forget that these two are very early preemies or think that their vulnerability goes away just because they don't look premature anymore. I haven't even told the grandparents that the flu restrictions have been lifted so I don't have to deal with having them at the hospital just yet ><

Oh, just an amusingly overprotective dad moment, my husband plans on demanding immunization records at the door of our home when people come to visit. ~chuckles~ I love my hubby.

KTZ17 · March 2014

I think it's totally normal to not want visitors the first week home or to not want others to hold them in the NICU. Once DD was in an open crib I told the nurses when I would go eat lunch or if I had to leave the NICU that if my MIL came she was not to pick up or hold DD. I knew my dad wouldn't try and he was the only other person on the list who would show up when I wasn't there. I did begrudgingly let her hold her the day before she was discharged but I was annoyed the whole time. Then when we got home we said no visitors the first week, but when DH went back to work I let my mom and sister come over. They weren't all grabby grabby let us hold her, though. They came to help me with food and laundry. MIL and SIL did show up and just want to hold her. It really pissed me off. I wanted to be the one holding her every second. So that was long, but I totally get where you're coming from!!

PurpleIris30 · March 2014

Totally valid!! Although being under a complete lockdown during flu and RSV season has been hard, I'm also kind of glad we've had almost no visitors (my parents have traveled for a visit twice in the 4 months we've been home and we have home health nurses and a PT that come to the house). Since RSV season can sometimes run into June here, I've just had to lay the law down and not care if anyone is offended.

After the NICU and their breathing struggles, I think I have an unhealthy amount of anxiety about people holding them and exposing them to illnesses.

abwatts · March 2014

Glad I'm not the only one! I actually put restrictions that nobody was allowed in the NICU without me or my DH. The thought if anyone there when I'm not drives me insane and I prefer not deal with that at all! Hopefully after being home a week of two I will feel ok with people coming.... For 30 minutes only... And I will not feel about kicking people out the door when their time is up!!!

abwatts · March 2014

MaiTaiBeth said:
I agree no one in the NICU without one of us. I'm still pissed my SIL came in with a cold and I had DH kick her out for 3 weeks. Now I kind of hate her for that and will never trust her. She is coming in tomorrow and I want her to wear a mask even though she says she is fine. DH thinks I am nuts. He actually said, "wait until she gets a cold" to worry about it. Um I might be on the news...I'm going to get the Docs to explain to him during rounds tomorrow how imperative it is to keep her well.

Oh no he didn't!! I think you deserve a medal for not harming them both!!! I would hate SiL too and would have asked her not to come back until she's out of the hospital... I'm just waiting for my mom to do something stupid because she won't get to come back... You don't get multiple chances to harm my children!!

e74 · March 2014

No, not at all. We were lucky.. Our NICU did not allow anyone in to see the babies without one of us and only the parents could hold the babies... So we didn't have to broach the topic with people. Our twins are 7 months, 5 adjusted and I am still very anxious when someone holds them and am constantly asking people to wash/ sanitize their hands( we bought some of the hospital's sanitizer and it is right inside our front door... You are not nuts... Just protecting your children and that is fine...

cukimerrydoll · March 2014

This phrase used to bug me, but now I think of it that we see all their milestones: breathing, eating, temp, car seat test, etc., etc... But for non-parents, they don't see those milestones: they see coming home, and they see holding as the beginning of their personal connection to the babies.

We're really picky with our sons too. Touch is something I'm really protective with. We decided to create our own "policies." No one can hold except us, and smokers need to sanitize and glove before they can touch (it's not a punishment, I worked in day care and learned way too much about third hand smoke). When anyone questions our decisions, we call it policy. Though we don't say who instituted the policy. Our NICU does regulate number of visitors, so that helps us a lot.

megs2011 · March 2014

Don't blame you. When my twins were in the SCN they only allowed our parents and DH's parents in and we had to be in the hospital. My mom was the only one that I allowed to hold the girls. I told the nurses not to let DH know that his parents could hold them. I can't stand his parents. Then RSV season hit and no one but DH and I were allowed in so I no longer had an issue. I wanted time alone with them when they came home but that didn't happen. My parents were there the day we brought them home which I had no issue with. MIL came over the day and I cringed when she held them. She also played favourites (still does) with E bc E was bigger and looked like a baby where Z was still looking like a preemie. She would call E beautiful and never say shit to Z and it broke my heart. She always picked up E. I will never forget.

abwatts · March 2014

One thing I would caution you with, however, is completely shutting everyone out immediately after bringing them home UNLESS your H/SO is going to be home with you the whole time. It's more than ok to implement the no holding rule, but don't completely rule out the possibility of having 1 close family member there to help out if you're going to have to be with them alone. We were pretty firm about all other visitors except for my parents right after we brought Judith home, because MH was not able to take time off and had to be at work. I knew that it was going to be hard to juggle the adjustment to having her here on top of everything else, and I was grateful to have my mom or dad here to help with the dogs, do some dishes, throw a load of laundry in the washer, etc. But again, everyone is different and if you still don't want anyone there at all, that's your call.

You are lucky you have that kind of help! See the problem is that if I allowed my mother to come over she would throw a temper tantrum if I asked her to do the laundry or take the dogs for a walk while I take care of the twins... she wants to just sit and hold and pet them all the live long day.. I would love to be able to let me sister come over and help me.. but if I do that my mom will throw another tantrum, so my sister has agreed that its easier to just say no to everyone at first, because thats what is best for us and our babies and she understands that with the babies in the hospital for so long that we DESERVE time alone to just BE a family. I am fortunate enough that my husband will take sometime off with me at the beginning. After they are both home a week is when we will start allowing CLOSE family and friends to come visit we think.. I just know that i need time to be alone with my babies without the anxiety of people coming in and taking them out of our arms.. NICU parents work so hard to get their babies home that we ALL deserve that time to just BE... and I am determined to get that time and don't care if people have a problem with that!!

rascus15 · March 2014

I so understand where you are coming from! Our neonatologist said no public outings for 6 months and no exposure to other children. Why is it that so many people want us to come to their family get togethers where there are a lot of people?! 2 days before LO was released from the NICU my Mom's church had a baby shower for us. So many people made the comment "I thought you would bring him so we could see him." Of those times, one from a preemie mom and one was from a preemie grandma! Ugh! People!

kclement724 · March 2014

I feel similarly. I fear that people think once my baby is home that there's no more concerns and it's a free for all. We've started telling people the the nicu Drs and nurses have told us we have to limit visits for 3-4 months after they're home. Which is true but I'm not sure how extreme they're meaning us to be. I'm nervous just thinking about the germs people could bring or the over stimulation that comes with multiple visitors coming so often.