CP: Ignorance

KingLED · March 2014

Has someone tried to comfort you, or just been a dick, and try to tell you that somehow your loss was actually a good thing?

@qanda2013 made a comment in another post that got me wondering how many of us have to deal with people like this.

And a cute turtle for your troubles.

stephy1221 · March 2014

No, because there are only 5 people in my day to day life that know.

One has had a miscarriage herself, the other is my amazing friend who knows I can't talk about it but texts me everyday to see how I am holding up and brought me ice cream, my other friend who has ignored the situation, my mom who I can tell is really upset and doesn't know how to help me and my DH.

Cruel remarks is one of my hesitations of telling my dad and step mom both are blunt and step mom really blunt. When I was pregnant with DD and we were talking about safety items my stepmom said "survival of the fittest" and when I had bleeding with DD and thought I would miscarry they were very blase about it.

KingLED · March 2014

qanda2013 said:

Giiiirrrrl..... I could write a book on the ridiculous things I have heard in the last month!

Do share if you're comfortable! Maybe if I hear other ridiculous stories I won't feel so bad about hating people in my life. haha.

dandb925 · March 2014

Good poll EllyD! Mostly everyone has been unbelievably supportive.

But, I keep hearing that the good thing to take away from this was we got pregnant naturally (we were going to start IUI cycles in May). I know people keep saying it to comfort me, but GOD, it's SO frigging annoying sometimes.

The last few days I've been feeling uber-bitchy so that hasn't helped matters.

KingLED · March 2014

Danielle925 said:

Good poll EllyD! Mostly everyone has been unbelievably supportive.
But, I keep hearing that the good thing to take away from this was we got pregnant naturally (we were going to start IUI cycles in May). I know people keep saying it to comfort me, but GOD, it's SO frigging annoying sometimes.
The last few days I've been feeling uber-bitchy so that hasn't helped matters.

I'm sorry. I hate it when people tell you that being able to get pregnant is such a good thing. Sure, it's awesome, but if you can't stay pregnant it's not really something to be comforted by. It's definitely annoying to hear. I always see it as akin to telling someone with secondary infertility that at least they know they can have a kid. Not helpful and very hurtful.

KingLED · March 2014

qanda2013 said:

Before the mmc was confirmed my mom (a doula) basically gave me the "everything is peachy" runaround, then when things were clearly NOT fine she said that either way she is happy because she either gets a grandchild on earth or a grandchild in heaven. I almost slapped her with my pancake. A dr we saw in the interim told us to take our trip to SF because the worst that would happen would be that I would miscarry on the plane and bleed all over (we nicknamed her Dr. Death, we will not be revisiting her.) A friend called me DAYS after we lost the heartbeat and before the d&c and told me that I would never have another baby if I kept grieving. A client told me to "dust my knees off, try again, and only count the ones that live" (seriously, wtf material).

Holy hell you have some gems! Sometimes I really wonder what the fuck people have to be thinking to say shit like this. I will never understand. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with all this.

KingLED · March 2014

I had someone tell me once that I never seemed like the kind of person to be a mom anyways so I should just brush it off and move on. This was, of course, right after I lost Jackson. That was the most impressively asinine thing anyways has said to me regarding pregnancy loss.

Thinking back on it I just laugh, it doesn't even bother me anymore, because how fucking stupid and disconnected from reality does someone have to be to say something like that?!

KingLED · March 2014

qanda2013 said:

Remember The Lion King when Scar says "I'm surrounded by iiiiiiidiots."? That's us now:)

Eveiii · March 2014

OMG if someone said that to me I would punch them. I get angry enough when people say at least you know you can get pregnant but that wow

ambmama · March 2014

*ticker warning*

Wow you all have some crazy ones! I've had a few 'you'll have another baby' (how the heck do they think they know that?). The worst came from my DH - he pretty much said he's rather this than care for a severely sick child. While I get his point, it didn't help. At all.

AggieBeth06 · March 2014

EllyD14 said:
I had someone tell me once that I never seemed like the kind of person to be a mom anyways so I should just brush it off and move on. This was, of course, right after I lost Jackson. That was the most impressively asinine thing anyways has said to me regarding pregnancy loss.

Thinking back on it I just laugh, it doesn't even bother me anymore, because how fucking stupid and disconnected from reality does someone have to be to say something like that?!

chicagojackie · March 2014

Get ready--some fun quotes--I wish I could think of them all but my head exploded and the rest probably leaked out.

1. At least you know you can get pregnant! That's great!
2. You guys weren't really ready for another baby!
3. Well the baby would have been born around the time of (insert new fancy job contract here)...so you dodged a bullet there!
4. There clearly was something seriously wrong with the baby, so it's a good thing.

:-O

nohalo21 · March 2014

Danielle925 said:

Good poll EllyD! Mostly everyone has been unbelievably supportive.
But, I keep hearing that the good thing to take away from this was we got pregnant naturally (we were going to start IUI cycles in May). I know people keep saying it to comfort me, but GOD, it's SO frigging annoying sometimes.
The last few days I've been feeling uber-bitchy so that hasn't helped matters.

Yes! I am so sick of hearing this from the doctors. Yes I know I can get pregnant. It doesn't offer much that I lost the pregnancy. So annoying.

I had called my friend before I was going in to be induced. I wanted to give her a heads up that we wouldn't be going out with that weekend (as we had plans made). She was wishing me well and hopes that everything would go good, doc was looking out for us, etc., as if I were delivering and taking hem my daughter. I am still not sure if fully understood what I was saying to her that day. I haven't heard from her since.

**living child mentioned**

The most annoying thing I keep getting from docs. I also hear the "well you had one healthy full term pregnancy". Okay, but I would like more thank you. I know they mean well but...

gabbagal · March 2014

It's pretty amazing what people will say thinking they have to find some sort of silver lining or "bright side". Even my mother, who I am extremely close to and has always been there for me, said at some point after my natural m/c (which, by the way, occurred at my parents' house since I was staying there for a few days when my husband was in the hospital) "Well at least it wasn't dramatic" Um, what? I'm sure she meant b/c I did it at home and didn't need to be rushed to the ER or anything, but hello? she was even with me when I was shaking and crying on my way to get the ultrasound that would confirm my worst fears. I mean if you look up the word dramatic it says: "sudden and extreme" and "greatly affecting people's emotions". Yup, that about sums it up.

Maxsmommy123112 · March 2014

Oh wow, I have so many...here's a few.

- it's ok, you're young.
- at least you can get pregnant
- it's natures way (can't count how many times I've gotten that one)
- just try again
- who cares, tryings the fun part
- oh that sucks
- something must've been wrong with 'it' (yes IT)
- be grateful for what you do have
- (in reference to the D&C) you must've opted for it because that surgery is not necessary.

Oh and I'm...
- being dramatic just to try to get attention.
- need to just move on. (I've have 2 miscarriages in 9 months. Most recent 1 1/2 months ago)
- I'm being weak.
- I'm acting crazy.

Seriously I have some shitty people in my life. It's depressing. Truly has opened my eyes to the people who love and support me unconditionally.

stephy1221 · March 2014

@ellyd14 that has to be one of the cruelest things I've heard. I seriously hope either you or karma bitch slapped this person.

@maxsmommy123112 that is quite the list of shitty comments. I will tell you one thing the quickest way to see me get crazy is to call me crazy.

to all: I wish there was sensitivity training we could send this boatload of people off to. I am sending the hugs you all should've gotten when these people were flapping their gums with the stupid.

arschm02 · March 2014

My H is completely naive. Although he was devastated with our loss his phrase to feel better about it was, "There's nothin we could have done. It was just a bad egg." Needless to say after hearing it a couple times, I flipped on him and among several profanities and other words I said "in case you forgot, that bad egg was our perfect baby." He apologized (smart man) and had not said anything of the sort since.

MCH77 · March 2014

Yes. More times than I can count.

People are lucky I don't punch them.

barely · March 2014

The midwife said to me (right after she got done telling me that I had miscarried) "you'll get to take one home someday". For some reason, out of everything that was said to me that day, this is what stuck with me. Every time I thought about that I'd cry. The next time I saw her I was asking about being able to lift after surgery since I work with infants. She said "yeah, you will be able to lift other people's babies" with an emphasis on "other people's". I really liked this midwife at first, but after thinking back on some of the things she said/did...not so much. There are other things with other people, but the fact that this was the midwife (who had also gone through a M/C herself and was seemingly sympathetic) just made it worse I think.

barely · March 2014

EllyD14 said:

I had someone tell me once that I never seemed like the kind of person to be a mom anyways so I should just brush it off and move on. This was, of course, right after I lost Jackson. That was the most impressively asinine thing anyways has said to me regarding pregnancy loss.

Thinking back on it I just laugh, it doesn't even bother me anymore, because how fucking stupid and disconnected from reality does someone have to be to say something like that?!

That's fucking asinine.

dandb925 · March 2014

Part of me thinks that people just don't know how to react. Unless you go through it yourself (and I would NEVER EVER EVER wish this on another woman), it's hard to completely understand how we're feeling.

I know I need to think positive and look to the future, but there's this ache (I don't even have the words for these feelings) that's hard to understand/fully relate to if you've never been in this super shitty situation.

Then there are just the really stupid people, so who knows?

AggieBeth06 · March 2014

DD - rant that didn't really fit on the post.

Eveiii · March 2014

The doctor I saw when I had lost my baby put it in a jar waved it around and said its nothing, not to get to upset and that we where not ready to be parents. To this day I can't believe it

AggieBeth06 · March 2014

Eveiii said:
The doctor I saw when I had lost my baby put it in a jar waved it around and said its nothing, not to get to upset and that we where not ready to be parents. To this day I can't believe it

What. The. Hell.

I'm so sorry that happened. Holy bejeezus!

Maxsmommy123112 · March 2014

Eveiii said:
The doctor I saw when I had lost my baby put it in a jar waved it around and said its nothing, not to get to upset and that we where not ready to be parents. To this day I can't believe it

What?! What an asshole. I'm so sorry!

Eveiii · March 2014

It was a bit of shock. I don't believe she was doing that because she was a cow. I think she did it because I didn't know I was pregnant till it happened and she thought well she has no fallen in love with it nor planed it so I'll make it out not to be a big deal so I wouldn't get to upset. My normal doctor at home has been amazing.

psychobutthead · March 2014

That is crazy that someone would do that. It amazes me how horrible and unprofessional doctors and medical staff can be.

Rache Spoodeena · March 2014

I am currently miscarrying for a second time. We had to un-tell some people, one beings friend who has actively been TTC for months. She really is a lovely person, but her text back to me was 'Two in a row? Wow, there must be something wrong'

Gee, thanks for pointing out that I can't carry a baby and most likely have issues as to why this is happening!

I had to remind myself she is SUCH a sweet person and probably did not mean it like that... but SHEESH!!

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CP: Ignorance

CP: Ignorance 42 votes

Re: CP: Ignorance

HB 140 @ 7w4d. MMC @ 10w (HB stopped 8w3d). After 2 rounds of Misoprostal, D&C October 2013. AF returned 56 days later. Advised to wait one cycle (December 2013)

HB 102 @ 6w4d. MMC @ 11w1d (HB stopped 7w4d). After 4 rounds of Misoprostal, D&C April 2014. AF returned 29 days later. Did testing for RPL - all normal. Was told can TTC again (May 2014)

u/s @ 6w showed sac, no HB. Second u/s @ 6w5d - HB detected but low. Third u/s @ 8w - HB 150! Fourth u/s @ 9w3d - HB in the 160's! Fifth u/s @ 11w3d - HB 172, baby measuring a day ahead!

<a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Getting Pregnant"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1bc5da.aspx" alt=" Pregnancy Ticker" border="0" /></a>

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