Community› The Bump Message Boards› Parenting
Parenting
New Discussion

BIL Vent/Advice

casholmescasholmes member
edited March 2014 in Parenting
My BIL has custody of his daughter, she'll be 4 on Friday. They both live with my MIL for now, and she's the one who takes care of my niece most of the time. But lately when I'm around them I've been worried about the way BIL treats her.

For example, last night we stayed over, and I woke up to him yelling at her. "Do you remember when I spanked you two weeks ago? No? Well, that pisses me off because you should! I'm gonna spank you and not tell you why!" And then he spanked her, not hard, and told her she got off lucky. He also took a pack of gum from her, and threw it out the door saying "Kids in Africa don't have gum, and neither do you," He saw me watching and tried to say he wasn't a dick, just giving her the 'freedom she earned'.

He's always like that, or he takes off for a whole day and night. MIL found my niece hiding under a table crying because 'Daddy will be mad I didn't clean up all my toys. There's too much for me by myself." It's heartbreaking, she's such a sweet girl. 

They're all moving, and they won't be living with MIL anymore. She'll still watch her a lot, but I'm worried about him taking care of her most of the time. But I don't know what to do about it. Nobody wants to say anything to him. I don't know if I should try talking to him, or convince DH to do it. Right now I'e just been going over there, trying to play with her or bring her something to eat (last time we were there she kept telling me how hungry she was, and he hadn't bought food). Just venting/asking advice.
Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
imageimage
Report Reply to Post

Re: BIL Vent/Advice

  • taggiecbtaggiecb member
    My advice, and it may be totally off, is if you think he is being abusive, contact the proper authorities.  If you just don't agree with his parenting, stay out of it.
            image image  image 
    To be loved, and to be in love
    Report Reply
  • Loading the player...
  • persephonerosepersephonerose member
    I agree with PP. If you feel he is being abusive, neglectful (not providing adequate food, hygiene care) I would report him and let the proper authorities deal with it. They can get him more help than any single conversation with you or his brother is going to do. 
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
    Report Reply
  • GiraffealaffGiraffealaff member
    Exactly what PP said. If you genuinely feel there is cause for concern, report it to the authorities and they can investigate. But yes, if you just don't agree with his parenting and there is no sign of physical/mental abuse then there's really nothing you can do. 

    I'm unsure if I would directly say anything - as you may isolate him more and lose the visiting privileges you have with her. 

    “Some people live more in 20 years than others do in 80. It’s not the time that matters, it’s the person.”
    — The Doctor, Season 3, Episode 6
    Dating Since: 2/13/05 * Married Since: 9/8/12 

    image

    Report Reply
  • casholmescasholmes member
    That's why MIL doesn't say anything, she doesn't want him to not let her see my niece. He's not abusive as far as I can see, just an asshole. I guess I'll stay out of it. 

    It just makes me furious that he talks to her like he does and that she talks about being scared or says 'Daddy's mean to me'. It's not technically abuse, it's just really sad.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    imageimage
    Report Reply
  • RondackHikerRondackHiker member
    Just be there for her.

    Can you offer overnight care and sleepovers and such, so she gets a break from him?

    Poor girl.


    image image
    Report Reply
  • ShakeyJakeyShakeyJakey member
    I'd report it to the authorities but be prepared for them not to do much. Poor baby.

    Harry Styles = Life Ruiner

    image

    There’s a lightning in your eyes I can't deny
    Then there’s me inside a sinking boat running out of time
    Without you I'll never make it out alive
    But I know, yes, I know we’ll be alright
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    J. 1.14.13 my reason for breathing 
    Report Reply
  • casholmescasholmes member
    I've never met her mom, but from what I hear she's worse. I was shown texts where the mom offered my BIL $2,000 for him to give her custody, if that gives you some idea.

    I think most of it is that he's overwhelmed, they got thrown out of their place and he's had some hard stuff happen. I'e seen him be sweet with her too, it's just lately that he's been acting like this. I think offering to help out might make things better.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    imageimage
    Report Reply
  • blueyd1blueyd1 member
    My father was a screamer when I was growing up (he lived by the "rule with fear" motto). Like I got yelled at for 10 minutes because I dusted my dresser in circular motions instead of side-to-side. To this day, I instantly tear up and get scared if someone yells at me. I completely feel it's abuse because, though he never hit me, I was deeply wounded and it created a lot of esteem issues for me. 

    I vote call the authorities because maybe they could even offer him some avenues of relief through different resources. Crying under a table because she couldn't pick up her toys and she was scared of the repercussions is NOT a result of "overwhelmed" parenting. That reaction is ingrained in her now due to how many times she's been screamed at/spanked/etc... And it's so damaging. 

    What does your DH say about BIL's behavior? Before the authorities are called, could DH take BIL out for a beer and just talk to him about how he/you see BIL's behavior impacting his daughter? Would BIL be open to some advice/help from DH and you? A child should not be terrified of a parent. 

    I'm not trying to rant; this just hits very close to home for me. You're a good person to be concerned about their well being.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    image
    Report Reply
  • casholmescasholmes member
    blueyd1 said:
    My father was a screamer when I was growing up (he lived by the "rule with fear" motto). Like I got yelled at for 10 minutes because I dusted my dresser in circular motions instead of side-to-side. To this day, I instantly tear up and get scared if someone yells at me. I completely feel it's abuse because, though he never hit me, I was deeply wounded and it created a lot of esteem issues for me. 

    I vote call the authorities because maybe they could even offer him some avenues of relief through different resources. Crying under a table because she couldn't pick up her toys and she was scared of the repercussions is NOT a result of "overwhelmed" parenting. That reaction is ingrained in her now due to how many times she's been screamed at/spanked/etc... And it's so damaging. 

    What does your DH say about BIL's behavior? Before the authorities are called, could DH take BIL out for a beer and just talk to him about how he/you see BIL's behavior impacting his daughter? Would BIL be open to some advice/help from DH and you? A child should not be terrified of a parent. 

    I'm not trying to rant; this just hits very close to home for me. You're a good person to be concerned about their well being.
    He thinks it's awful too, he loves that little girl a lot. And he might be someone BIL would actually listen to. I'm gonna ask him to. 

    And I'm sorry about what happened. 
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    imageimage
    Report Reply
  • blueyd1blueyd1 member
    Keep us posted on the situation. You're a great auntie! Hugs!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    image
    Report Reply
  • thetheisensthetheisens member
    edited March 2014
    He seems emotionally abusive to me. Emotional abuse leaves just as many scars as physical. He needs to seek therapy and also needs to go to parenting classes right now if he wants to continue having primary custody of his daughter(and I think you, your husband, and MIL should help him seek both for the benefit of your niece). I would guess he is overwhelmed with his situation and does not have great coping skills, but it is unfair for his daughter from him to take it out on her. I feel bad for the little girl, she deserves a home life where she feels safe, secure, and loved.
    image
    image

    image


    AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers


    Report Reply
  • ShakeyJakeyShakeyJakey member
    Based on your responses it's hard to tell if he's having a bad time or an asshole. How do you think it would go if you, YH, and MIL all sat him down and tell him he needs help? You could be ready with resources available. If you think this might go over better than calling the authorities and would make any difference it might be worth a shot. ASAP.

    Harry Styles = Life Ruiner

    image

    There’s a lightning in your eyes I can't deny
    Then there’s me inside a sinking boat running out of time
    Without you I'll never make it out alive
    But I know, yes, I know we’ll be alright
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    J. 1.14.13 my reason for breathing 
    Report Reply
  • ShakeyJakeyShakeyJakey member
    But not having food for her and her saying she's hungry a lot and disappearing for a night and day push me toward the asshole side. It doesn't sound like he can handle raising a child alone.

    Harry Styles = Life Ruiner

    image

    There’s a lightning in your eyes I can't deny
    Then there’s me inside a sinking boat running out of time
    Without you I'll never make it out alive
    But I know, yes, I know we’ll be alright
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    J. 1.14.13 my reason for breathing 
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"