Loss Check In

Mrs Nice · March 2014

Welcome to the checkin! I am sorry to have to welcome new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

QOTW: What are some of the best/worse things that people have said to you after your loss? What advice would you give to a new loss mom on how to handle insensitive comments?

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

shandorfml2 · March 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Continuing to eat well, and took a nice walk today. That feels good

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Continue to get healthier

QOTW: What are some of the best/worse things that people have said to you after your loss? What advice would you give to a new loss mom on how to handle insensitive comments? Worst? "I had an abortion, I know how you feel" "There must have been something wrong with her" "Wow, that's right up there with losing a parent". Best "I don't know what to say" "I'm sorry" "you are the strongest woman I know"

Be open with people if they upset you. I don't hide my daughter. Sometimes comments take you off guard, and it's hard to know how to respond. I always encourage people to respond honestly and openly.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? My sweet girl....spring time...I want to go out and decorate her grave, but will still have snow!

Jellybean71514 · March 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

Went to my DF parent's house for dinner it was the first time I have seen anyone since Joseph's funeral last week and it went well. I'm also going to a bridal shower tomorrow for a cousin of mine, hoping that goes well too.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

I have a MRI scheduled for Sunday to take care of my head issues now so I can move ahead and hopefully start TTC again in a few months and finish the house we just bought.

QOTW: What are some of the best/worse things that people have said to you after your loss? What advice would you give to a new loss mom on how to handle insensitive comments?

The best was a friend telling me how strong I am and how much they admire me even if they do not understand fully how I feel. The worst was a friend harping on my physical well being (maybe bc she's a nurse who knows) and explaining that she too bled a lot after her MC last year during her early first tri... she has since had a son and currently pregnant again.
My advice on how to handle the comments is keep reminding yourself that very few people understand how you're feeling so there will be very few that say absolutely anything you want to hear or anything that will make you feel better. And also when they say shitty things 'just breathe' ....

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

When will I start to feel better and when will I stop crying so much- I want the sun to shine again and get my spirit back- hoping Springtime helps heal me a bit- looking forward to getting outside more.

LyndseyTS · March 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
I cooked for the first time. I decided to make a day of it while I was up for it so that I could freeze a ton of healthy things for later (when I'm not up for it...which has been most of the time).

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
Go back to work next week. Sort of. The plan was to ease in slowly, but the grandmother of a friend of mine passed away and she asked me to cover her class for four days while she's off. I feel bad saying "no". I guess this will be trial by fire. At least it keeps me busy and I can breakdown when I get home.

QOTW: What are some of the best/worse things that people have said to you after your loss? What advice would you give to a new loss mom on how to handle insensitive comments?
Worst: "There was a reason, there was probably something wrong with her." This one especially stings because there WAS "something wrong with her" and we would STILL much rather have her hear in our arms than not. Seriously. *sigh* The other big one is just ignoring it altogether or treating me like I have some disease. I lost my daughter, it's pretty crappy, but I can assure you that it is not contagious.

Best: "I don't know what to say and I don't want to upset you, but I want you to know that I really wanted her to be with us too and I wish that she were able to be." Sweetest and most honest thing said by a friend. It brought me to tears, but NOT because it was hurtful. Another friend just showed up and took me out for lunch, which isn't really something to say, but was much appreciated because I was avoiding people and I needed to face the world at least for a little bit.

Advice: There is almost no one who will understand what you are going through, now or in the future. Don't spend your effort trying to make them "get it". They never will and you'll be tired for it. Accept it and give yourself permission to grieve in your way, whatever that looks like is okay. Be honest with others if they are able to hear it. If they aren't, let me go at least temporarily. Times like these are when you find out your best and worst friends.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?
This: https://findingmymuchness.com/2014/03/12/a-free-7-day-challenge/
I've signed up in hopes that it will help me make it through Mother's Day in a positive way. In all honesty, I'm afraid. Afraid to allow myself to get "better" because it means that Serenity is less present daily, afraid of what these "holidays" will do to me emotionally. I'm going to go for it anyway. If anyone wants to join me, feel free. Totally no pressure, though.

dadalou · March 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I had my 6 week appointment this week and have been cleared for all normal activity. That makes things a whole lot easier for me. It was really hard for me to follow the no lifting anything over 10 pounds rule since I have a 3 year old who likes run away when we are ready to leave anywhere and the only way to get her to leave is to physically remove her. Now I can instead of just getting so frustrated with her that I end up yelling at her which doesn't help anyway.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? I am starting to exercise. I want to get into a routine of exercising 5 days a week. My goal is to lose the weight I gained with Nathaniel by July.

QOTW: What are some of the best/worse things that people have said to you after your loss? Best: My OB told me that I have dealing with the situation elegantly.

Worst: I don't think anyone has said anything to me that I took badly. I think the worst thing has actually been when people don't say anything at all. Pretending that it didn't happen doesn't make me feel better.

I know that people will say things that don't come across how they meant them. I'm sure I have said some to other people myself before this happened to me. Remember that the only people who understand what you are going through are people who have actually gone through the same thing. Most people have not so they really don't understand.

nohalo21 · March 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

Went back to work. It was hard and by the end of the week I was ready to be done.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

I had a journal for Harper to document the pregnancy but never did for whatever reason. With my other daughter, I filled that thing out each week. I would like to complete it now. I think it will help bring some closure to everything also.

QOTW: What are some of the best/worse things that people have said to you after your loss? What advice would you give to a new loss mom on how to handle insensitive comments?

My daughter told me the day after my loss (it had been raining here) that when it rains, there are rainbows. I find some comfort in her simple words. As for the worst, "everything happens for a reason". I get this but why does it have to happen? Does anybody ever figure out the reason?

Advice: The person probably means well. Don't let their words get to you. No one understands the heartache and pain you are going through and chances are they never will.

Bgirma · March 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
I went to a work conference out of the state and saw 100 or so colleagues. I was anxious but it went well and I was able to talk about W a lot. I appreciate that most of them asked about him and how I'm doing.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
I'm focusing on being more productive at work and getting serious about my weight loss. I'm doing awesome at working out (running, Pilates and yoga) but I'm definitely a stress eater and it's starting to catch up with me.

QOTW: What are some of the best/worse things that people have said to you after your loss? What advice would you give to a new loss mom on how to handle insensitive comments?
Best- "I'm so sorry", "I didn't get to meet him but I love him too"
Worst- "you can always have another one", "are you sure he didn't have any genetic issues?"
Advice- tell people when they've hurt your feelings and exit the conversation. This is really hard for me to do but so important for my wellbeing. I know that most people aren't trying to be hurtful so I'm not rude or mean to them but it's important that I'm able to stop the conversation so I don't continue to feel hurt and uncomfortable.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?
I'm starting to think about trying to conceive again. It's scary but I think we might be ready in a few month.

JennyOR30 · March 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I came home this week. We live in an upstairs apartment, and due to my c-section I was told to avoid stairs for 4-6 weeks. I've been staying at my mom's, and it was good to finally sleep in my own bed for the first time in 4 weeks. Also, my driving restriction was lifted this week. What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Next goals are getting into my support group and getting back to work. I go back to my OB a week from Monday to see when I can go back to work. Target date is April 18th, and hopefully I will get to transfer to Same Day Surgery when I go back to work. Talking with the boss tomorrow, fingers crossed. QOTW: What are some of the best/worse things that people have said to you after your loss? What advice would you give to a new loss mom on how to handle insensitive comments? I'm not really sure about best things that have been said other than "I'm here, no matter what you need or what time of day it is." Worst things: "At least you don't have to worry about her now.", "It was God's plan". Don't get me wrong, I know this and have a strong sense of faith, but as a grieving mother, it hurt to hear people say that. I wanted to ask them if they wanted to be in my shoes and part of God's plan, because I sure didn't. I just wanted my daughter back. Another issue was last week at church, we had a luncheon to raise money for our women's ministry. I was helping get things ready for it when another woman brought out leftover baby shower cake and set on the dessert table. The cake still had the words "special delivery" on it. As the women continued to throw out the words "baby shower", I left the room. I wanted to scream at them about how insensitive they were being knowing it had only been 3 weeks since I had lost my daughter, but I didn't. The best way I have found so far (and I'm still learning) is to nod politely and remove myself. Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? Going to grad school to get my nurse practitioner, and starting preparation for that. Thinking about grief counseling certification classes, because it interests me, and I could use the CEUs. Also, enjoying the upsets that are March Madness. I love a good Cinderella story. Edit: format on iPad sucks.

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