Completely Undeserving... (NBR)

breadpudding · March 2014

... of its own thread, but you ladies are all I have and this is the first place I feel like I can turn to for understanding and support.

This might be a long post. You've been warned.

DH and I have been together since 2006 and married since 2011. We have had our fair share of ups and downs. But lately it's been more downs. Thanks to @adinashoshana‌ and her bravery to post about the problems she was having with her DH... She has given me the bravery to post about mine.

Veeeery long story short(er) (because it honestly kills me to bring up these memories) DH had an affair with my best friend in 2011-2012 that lasted longer than I care to know. It took place in the house that we still live in. In the same room that I sleep in every night. In the same living room where my children play. The memories haunt me and play in front of my eyes like a horror movie. There isn't one "clean corner" of this house that doesn't hold an awful memory of what they've done and where.

When I found out, I left with DS1 and had a fling with a guy friend while DH and I were separated, because stupid, hurt and lonely. After almost 2 months of being separated we started talking and it nearly ended in divorce but we decided to try to work things out.

This was December of 2012 and we got pregnant in June of last year. Wounds were still fresh but we decided that this baby would be our miracle... What would bring us closer. Soon after I got pregnant DH completely detached himself from our family. He NEVER went to prenatal appointments, wasn't there to find our the sex of the baby, stopped helping me raise DS1 and was just emotionally absent. Here and there he has had spurts of being better, but mostly it's bullshit.

Fast forward to my birth last month: nothing had really gotten better. He left me more than once in the hospital alone and I had no clue where he was. Gone for hours. He didn't even cry when LO was born.

Here we are... Nearly a month later and he doesn't help take care of our boys, he doesn't have a job, he doesn't do anything but what he wants to do and that rarely involves our family. We live with my FIL and those of you who met me in the SFPC know how much of a douche he is. Nothing has changed since we got back together. I'm still heart broken. He is still absent. I feel like I'm not good enough for him and it makes me hate myself sometimes. This kind of feeling is one that makes your skin crawl... It's a dirty, painful feeling that you just pray to God you'll be able to wash away. I feel so alone in my misery. And I don't know how to cope anymore. I have no friends IRL, because trust is something that I am incapable of giving to others after what happened. I'm so sad you guys, and I can't figure out how to make myself better. I feel like an idiot because its been 3 years and I feel like I should get over the affair. But I don't know how. It's bothering me daily and I can't stand to look at DH sometimes. This is supposed to be a happy time in my life and I am afraid that I'm ruining it by crying over spilled milk. My babies are my world and I want to be a happier Momma for them. They don't see how much I'm hurting and I always make sure to be happy around them but I know that one day they will be able to see through my bullshit. I love them dearly and they deserve to have their Mom and Dad together and happy.

I need a shoulder to cry on. And a hand to hold mine and guide me through.

"The only good thing about being this low, is that there's nowhere left to go... But up."
-quote from the movie Diary Of A Mad Black Woman

breadpudding · March 2014

Thank you to everyone who actually read the whole thing. :x

And sorry that it was such a long vent. :-@

RondackHiker · March 2014

Why should you be over the affair? It doesn't seem as if he's making an effort to help you get over it.

Why do you stay with him?

breadpudding · March 2014

I honestly wish I had a good answer for that. But if I had to say, it would be because I have no support from my family. I have no where else to go. In A sense, I'm comfortable with him because we've been together for so long and I'm scared to leave. He is the only love I've ever known, but in the same breath I do know that we can't continue like this. It's an awful situation to be in.

breadpudding · March 2014

@adinashoshana‌ Thank you. I'm not exactly the type to "tell all" about my serious problems. This being one of them. I tend to bottle them up and put them on a shelf in my brain to get dusty and remain untouched. This is a tough one for me though. It's hard to keep this problem away. I never talk about it IRL to anyone, and writing it on here makes it seem so much more real. And that's hard to deal with. But by sharing, I'm starting to understand the meaning of this quote...

"Shared happiness is doubled happiness. Shared sorrow is half."
-Author Uknown

My children deserve the best... And it's up to me to provide that for them. I love my husband and I want to stay with him, but not like this. The conversations I try to have with him about this usually go in a different direction then I would like them to. So I try not to be the one to bring it up. I have no energy for it.

I'm sure I will sort this all out eventually. But in the meantime it's nice to know that someone cares. Thank you. :x

cksmith29 · March 2014

I am so sorry you are going through this, and I am glad you came here to share and get support. First of all, props to you for trying to work out your relationship. Personally, I know I could never get over something like that. I think you are normal for still feeling hurt, especially since he is pulling away and not being there for you and the kids.

I have shared bits of my story, but let me tell you a bit about what I went through. I have two older girls from a previous marriage. When I was expecting our second, then-H started disappearing for days at a time. Long story short, he was drinking heavily and in to drugs. He barely made DD2's birth, and he left right after she was born. He put me through hell, and abandoned me with two babies under 2 and lots of unpaid bills. I felt hopeless and ashamed and distanced myself from family and friends. I put up with his shenanigans for another year and tried to get him into rehab etc. I decided that even if he cleaned up his act, I could never forgive him for what he did to us. I was bitter and it was impacting my kids. I decided to leave him, and I have never regretted it for a minute. It was so hard, but I was much happier when I finally decided enough was enough.

Please do not think that I am encouraging divorce, because that is not something to take lightly. It took me a long time to come to that, and I feel like I tried everything to get him back to us. Feel free to pm me if you would like. I really hate what you are feeling right now. I wish I could physically be there for you and just hug you. Also, a huge word of advice, do not shut out family and friends like I did. You need them.

cksmith29 · March 2014

Sakura0019 said:

I'm so sorry you are going through this, especially now. I don't think you need to get over the affair. I don't think a breach of trust like that is something you get over. A relationship can heal, with time and lots of effort, but you never get over it. I understand exactly the dirty, raw and painful emotions you're talking about - my DH has had problems with alcohol in the past, and it honestly felt like an affair to me- and I hurt for you that you have to be going through that, in the past, and again now. Would he consider going to counseling with you? Would you consider going to counseling alone? My DH couldn't go with me (he was deployed), but going by myself proved to be tremendously helpful for me. Having a safe, unbiased person to be a sounding board for me was really helpful. It allowed me to start to value myself again and learn how to stand up for myself in our relationship and communicate my needs. It takes a lot if courage to be able to talk about such a violation. I don't have much advise, but I'm sending you lots of ((hugs)). You and your boys deserve so much more!!

I felt the same way. It was lies, deception and abandonment. It didn't have to be sex with a woman to feel betrayed. I felt that choosing alcohol and drugs over his family was cheating. I think it's great that you have been able to work things out.

BearyBear210 · March 2014

That's not something that you should just "get over". I'm sorry you're going through so much

you just have to do what you think is best for both you and your kids

magentawarped · March 2014

I'm really sorry for what you're going through, and I want you to do what makes you happy. I'm not going to push you to leave him if you want to stay, but you seem to think that your kids will automatically be happier if you two are together. As a child of divorce, let me tell you: that's not always true. If you both are miserable all the time being around each other, your kids will pick up on that, and it will affect them. If it takes you leaving and going through a tough time now in order for you and your kids to be happy in the long term, then it's something to think about.

breadpudding · March 2014

@adinashoshana‌ To your "adding this" reply... Yes. You are completely correct. I could kiss your feet for putting that into words so well.

@utpony‌ Thank you.

@Sakura0019‌ Thank you. I did try counseling throughout my pregnancy and DH attended a meeting or two. But I don't think I connected well with my counselor and you could tell that she was starting to chose sides. So I stopped going. I should try again though, but with someone else. I'm sorry you can relate to me in a sense. And I know exactly how you feel. DH has battled addictions too and it truly does feel just like cheating. Pain is pain. And it hurts so bad no matter where it stems from.

@blscholl1645‌ Thank you. Yes, that thought crosses my mind and I toy with the idea of actually leaving. But when I left the first time, I experienced more pain than I've ever felt before and I had no support from my family. (Example: I was separated for months and my own mother never came to see me one single time during that period. My dad is a marine and i was staying with him but he had to deploy during that time and just deployed again this past week. So because of his active duty he is never here. ) I believe if I had support from them, then I could get through. It's hard to do alone. I'm so happy that your friend found happiness though. I always love it when people have the courage to leave a bad situation and it turns out so much better. Gives me hope.

@cksmith29 I'm going to PM you...

@DoraEric Thank you. It makes it easier to have all of you wonderful ladies here to talk to. You guys are the best.

breadpudding · March 2014

@magentawarped I, too, come from a divorced family. My biological father married my mother and when I was about 1yo she caught him cheating and they divorced shortly after. My father was never in my life and I hardly know who he is, nor do I care too, really. My mom met my "Dad" (the guy who is my Dad because he raised me and has been so amazing) and they married when I was 3. After serving 3 tours in Iraq when the war broke out, my Dad came back a changed man. He suffered from PTSD from war and divorced my Mom. They fought a lot. And there were times where they wouldn't even speak to each other for weeks. I felt it, and so did my brothers. But the day that their divorce was final, is a day that I will never forget. That day I felt like my security was broken... my family shattered and my world never was the same again. I know it isn't the case with everyone that comes from divorced families. But for me it was awful and I don't want it to be that way for my boys.

ROCK me HARD PLACE

@golfergirl08 I'm sorry that you can relate.

It seems that a lot of us have experienced something devastating like this. I wish I knew what to do. Thank you for being here for me in the meantime. It really means a lot.

slwprincess · March 2014

Your story hurts my heart. I don't think it is healthy for you or your boys to stay in this situation. Sorry if that seems blunt but it's got to be said. I don't think that infidelity ALWAYS = divorce but I honestly think you are dealing with emotional abuse and abandonment. If he won't go to counseling, I really think this relationship may be beyond saving. I'm truly sorry you are going through this.

ShePersisted · March 2014

magentawarped said:
I'm really sorry for what you're going through, and I want you to do what makes you happy. I'm not going to push you to leave him if you want to stay, but you seem to think that your kids will automatically be happier if you two are together. As a child of divorce, let me tell you: that's not always true. If you both are miserable all the time being around each other, your kids will pick up on that, and it will affect them. If it takes you leaving and going through a tough time now in order for you and your kids to be happy in the long term, then it's something to think about.

This! I think it's very important to realize there are two separate issues here. Your relationship with your husband and your desire to raise your kids happy. They are not necessarily dependent on each other always. It's very easy to get carried away with making these two issues interconnected but if you keep ignoring your happiness in the hope of creating that perfect family for your kids you will make both ends suffer.

I do hope you have the strength and clarity to make the right decisions for your self. Emotions are hard to control especially in matters of love!

breadpudding · March 2014

@slwprincess I thank you for sharing with such honesty. It's true, I've never felt so alone in my life. Sometimes I like to get angry with myself because I have the power to leave and I don't. It's a hard spot to be in and even harder to decide which way to go. I think I just keep waiting around for him to be the person that he used to be... and for us to share the same connection that we used to. This is something that won't happen and I need to accept that and possibly move on.

MissDemeanor · March 2014

One more person here who us sorry you're going through this, and is on your side. I have my share of problems with my boyfriend, we've been together 7 years, but in the middle of that split up for a year. I didn't just move out, I even moved cities. We ended up getting back together and are much happier now, but there are times it's still hard.

Especially leading up to that, I got a lot of advice to 'just leave him', which I know is easier said than done. And I know with kids in the picture it's an even harder decision to make.i know you want to keep your family together, and I really understand that. But at the same time, you teach your kids by example, and I'm sure you don't want them growing up thinking that this is what marriage and life are supposed to be like.

I have struggled with anxiety issues in the past, and what's helped me is to actually face the worst case scenario, and think about how I could handle it. I find it's the unknown that is the scariest.

So maybe think, ok, if I stay, what will things be like? Will we go to counselling? Can I picture a time when I can trust him again? Will we have a good family life together? What would I need to make that happen?

Or if you leave, what would you do? Do you have a place to stay for a while? Do you have the money, or can save up enough, to pay for an apartment? Can you look into other resources, like @Avswolf mentioned? How will you manage work and child care?

I know all these are very scary questions. And in a way it's easier to leave things alone, and not face the tough questions. But just remember, YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to all. You're not alone.

Giraffealaff · March 2014

First off, I applaud you for your bravery in sharing something as painful as this. I am sorry you have had to go through this, and even more so that you have to deal with this on your own.

A few things:

- Is he/ will he/ have you discussed counseling? It seems at this point that if he is so detached, that perhaps there is something going on that he needs help dealing with? Especially if he is showing little/no interest in anyone in the house.

- I know that you said that part of the reason you stay is because you are comfortable with him, etc. But I think you need to dig deep and ask yourself if this is enough and if this will be enough for your children. I am not only the child of divorced parts (Mom and Dad split when I was 10 months old) but I am also the child of a blended family who should have divorced and never did (mom and SD fought constantly - a lot of emotional abuse and turbulence). Mom and dad stayed together out of comfort and sadly, this lead to a lot of emotional problems for my mother
(loss of self-worth, etc) as well as issues for my brother (rage problems among other things) and myself. The relationship my mother had with my SD has done more damage than her divorce from my father ever did. My point here: Staying together "for comfort", "for the kids" etc, rarely if ever works for anyone.

I will say this: Having my parents divorce at such a young age didn't hurt as much as it would have had it happened later in life. I have friends who parents divorced in their teen years, and it was heartbreaking to watch them go through. I was too young to really understand and therefore, it had a different effect on me.

- To echo some above, I know you are still reeling from the infidelity, and maybe because you haven't fully ever dealt with it - even three years later - but I think that is a small part of this. I think the true issue here lies in his other behaviors. I don't want to pry or dig too much, but has he ever emotionally abused you (aside from the obvious damage his current behavior is doing)? Has he name called/degraded/etc? I only ask because I worry that with the obvious disregard he is showing for your family if his behaviors would be likely to escalate.

I really wish the best for you and hope that the light at the end of this tunnel shines soon for you.

pinkgrl84 · March 2014

I don't really have much advice to give but I wanted to say I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you find what is best for you and your kids and can find the strength to make that decision. Keep your chin up and know you always have the ladies here for support. ((hugs))

RondackHiker · March 2014

You mentioned you'd leave him if you had more support from your parents. This will sound harsh and I'm sorry because I don't intend it that way, I'm just not great with words right now.

You need to do this on your own. I KNOW that is so easy for me to say. But it sounds like you're shifting blame--I can't leave because my parents don't help.

Try to find other sources of support. I'm sure there are single moms groups near you. Join some of those or another play group. Find a job to make yourself more independent and make friends there. Reconnect with old friends. Ask them over and show them you want to spend time with them.

I haven't faced your situation but I have been in positions where I was alone. Making friends isn't easy but it won't happen without work. It's hard and sucky but worth it in the end.

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