Smokers around baby?

laurblum · March 2014

This is not meant to offend any of you who smoke, but obviously we're all adults and know that smoking is bad for us and those around us, so I want to know if any of you moms had given this any thought.

Anyway, tonight was my final child birthing class and the topic was all about coming home and recovery for mom and baby. We were talking about all the usual stuff like visitors having vaccines, etc. Smoking came up and obviously you wouldn't want the baby around anyone during the act of smoking as well as not allowing anyone to smoke in the house. But, then we were discussing visitors who may come by that smoke regularly and the smoke is absorbed into their hair and clothing already even though they won't be smoking while they are visiting. The nurse was saying that this is just as harmful and we should talk to them about having a change of clothing with them. She said this is because they are doing a lot of studies about the effects of third hand smoke and that there is a concern about third hand smoke contributing to SIDS and allergies. For the most part my family is completely non smoking, but I do have one brother and one very close friend who are heavy smokers. I already knew I would be telling my friend that I wouldn't be bringing the baby to her house because she and her husband smoke in the house, but I hadn't given any thought to her holding the baby at my house in her smokey clothes. I can tell this is going to get awkward. I am sure its going to come off very insulting to both her and my brother and seem like I am judging them for their habit. I have to say something though. Sorry, baby comes first. It's not like she'll be able to get away from the smell if she doesn't like it and I know my friend especially is going to want to snuggle her. Anyone else concerned about this? Or have any of you already had this conversation with family members? Just wondering how it was received. I picture it being like when parents are offended about being asked to get the T-Dap vaccine. Maybe I'm worrying for nothing?

danabsd · March 2014

My FIL smokes. We don't see him often enough for it to be a huge concern but it does worry me when he's around.

He doesn't smoke in his house or ours but he definetly always smells like smoke.

kat8805 · March 2014

We didn't have this issue with DD1, as none of my family smokes. We moved away from my family in MD, back to DH's hometown in IN just before thanksgiving. And of course MIL, SFIL, and BIL all smoke. I know MIL and BIL are going to want to dive in and handle DD2, but I'm not having it. I had the talk with MIL about smoking, and third hand smoke, and she had the audacity to tell me her smoking days are over. I've got the nose of a hound when it comes to cigarettes and I know she smokes in her vehicle. I haven't approached BIL about it yet, but he already makes sure to smoke outside of the home/vehicle, so making sure his clothes are clean and he is clean shouldn't be an issue. It's definitely a tricky topic to approach though.

jsaffer01 · March 2014

My MIL smokes, and she is the one who will be watching the baby when I'm at work. I haven't had a real talk with her yet. I plan on doing that in the next or so. All I've told her so far is. She has so many weeks to quit, because she said once I'm pregnant she'll quit, hasn't done that yet.

So what I plan on talking to her about is when she watches the baby, to stay at my house, no need to go to her house. No smoking while she is here. She can leave a few changes of clothes here, so they don't smell like smoke from her house. But she is to come in wash her hands and change her clothes. I'm going to talk to her about third hand smoke because I don't think she heard of it.

Also, she is really excited about this baby, it's her first grandchild. So if she wants to watch the baby she will follow my rules. Sometimes you have to be harsh to get your way. It's your baby, you have every right to say what happens with your baby. I'm sure feelings may get hurt, but it's for the safety of your child. And if the person cares for the baby and wants to protect the baby, then I would think they will follow your wishes.

awc1986 · March 2014

My SIL and her fiancé both smoke and I won't be preventing them from seeing LO. They have 2 of their own and don't smoke around them. I would have a problem if they smoked when at my house (even in the garden), but when I'm at theirs then its their home and I can't tell them what to do. My nephews
have no respiratory problems from being in a household of smokers.

Cupcakes89 · March 2014

My brother smokes cigs and e-cigs. He lives with my parents who will watch LO when needed so I told my mom and him that he needs to only smoke the e-cigs when LO is there.

Two of my BIL smoke pot on a regular basis and smoke cigs everyday... I live with them currently and will be making their parents put a stop to that. We do plan on moving a few months after the baby is born so I'm going to tell them straight up if their sons don't stop then the baby doesn't come over.. I have a low tolerance for the smell of any smoke and will get very grouchy if I smell it on them

Marcella05 · March 2014

My husband smokes and have been having discussions with him about quitting before baby comes... He is having a difficult time. It certainly doesn't help with my stress level that I have to worry about someone in my household, moreover someone who is supposed to be helping hands on.

JAM85 · March 2014

It is a big deal and definitely worth the awkward discussion. As you said people are aware it is unhealthy so you aren't delivering any shocking new information to them and if they care enough to want to be around LO they should care enough to want to keep her healthy. Thankfully I don't have this issue to contend with except with one aunt who I don't see often, but yes I would make then wash up and change before touching or being around peanut. And I would not care one iota about it. It's their choice to smoke not mine or peanuts and we shouldn't have to suffer for it.

spinsoffresonance · March 2014

I think you could explain to them to are worried about third hand smoke, show them a couple Articles about it and ask if they wouldn't mind showering and putting on clean clothes before coming over to visit the baby. However, if they smoke at home their clean clothes might smell of smoke anyways. I think thats a little excessive but not unreasonable to ask. Consdering these are people who won't be spending a lot of time with LO I would just ask them to wash their hands when they got to my house and limit how much they hold the baby (don't offer them to hold LO they might not ask to).

theoryofwhat · March 2014

DH smokes and my OB suggested that, if he does go to smoke while baby and I are in the hospital, to wear long-ish coat (basically a smoking jacket just not Hugh Hefner style) and then properly sanatize his hands prior to getting near baby.

IBackBevo · March 2014

Have not read the above responses, but I don't think one time exposure to third hand smoke is going to seriously harm your baby. However, I would not let someone who was a smoker regularly care for my child even if they smoked outside because it does tend to linger in hair and on clothes, etc.. I think this is where the concern is as opposed to one-time, brief exposures. I fired a nanny because we found out she was smoking on-the-job. Her excuse was that she wasn't smoking around the baby. She didn't get why that didn't matter...she was still regularly exposing him to third-hand smoke (and, trust me, she was because I could smell it on her) and was leaving him unattended to go outside and smoke.

deanna1313 · March 2014

I'm really having a hard time with this. My Step-Father and both brothers smoke. My Mom also does only at night with my stepfather. They said they wouldn't smoke while I am over their house and I always catch my stepfather doing it anyway. Now I can't even visit. (My parents and brothers all live around the corner).My Mom almost cried the other day because she said I will never come and visit with the baby. Well, what am I supposed to do?!
It's their house and I can't tell them what to do, but don't tell me you won't smoke and then do it anyway. I can't stand the third hand smoke either.

How can I tell my family they aren't welcome around the baby? They all stink regularly except my Mom. I know they aren't going to change clothes and shower. They all think I'm ridiculous.

dragossoul84 · March 2014

When I had DS 1 it wasn't an awkward conversation for me. I did my research I sent my family links to studies and said you want to to be involved then you wash your hands and change your clothes if thats to much to ask then you cannot hold LO. If they tried to refute me I said you raised your kids as you saw fit I will do the same with mine this is how it is.

QOTR · March 2014

This is a very touchy subject for me. I just lost my Mom to lung cancer. I'm damn proud of her that she quit 2 years ago after 50 YEARS of smoking. Too little, too late, but I'm still proud of her for finally doing so. My dad still smokes and with 1 carotid artery 100% blocked and the other 50% blocked, is a stroke waiting to happen. They smoked in the house and cars around us kids our entire lives growing up. My sister and I have asthma and I had numerous cases of pneumonia and bronchitis as a child. I can't believe that is coincidental. So all that being said, I don't give a fuck who I offend. Smoking is disgusting and harmful and you will not do it around my child. My dad lives 8 hours away, so I don't expect it being much of an issue, but my baby will never visit inside his house. When he or another smoker visits here, they will have to wash up and if they still smell like smoke, they'll have to have a blanket as a barrier between their clothes and the baby.

deanna1313 · March 2014

@QOTR so sorry you lost your Mom to lung cancer and the situation with your Dad. It's silly for me to be so anxious to have this important talk with my family. They just don't make it easy, but after reading what you wrote it really has given me a push to do it now. Thanks!

spinsoffresonance · March 2014

I'm gonna play devil's advocate for a minute and make the opposite argument than @QOTR‌ . My parents were both smokers when I was growing up. My dad smoked 2 packs/day of crazy heavy unfiltered cigarettes. They smoked in the house and around us all the time. My sister and I are perfectly fine and never had any respiratory disease. Now I'm not trying to downplay the issue and I would absolutely not let a smoker be the primary care giver for my kids. And when my parents visit i make them smoke outside. But if we grew up with that much 2nd hand smoke for 18 years with no issue, chances are seldom third hand smoke won't cause issues for your kids either. Of course I could still end up with lung cancer down the road... And my dad died of lung cancer in case that wasn't obvious!

QOTR · March 2014

@deanna1313, I don't think it is silly to feel anxious at all. Those types of conversations are hard and I have a hard time setting boundaries myself. But this is one item where I have no qualms with drawing a firm line.

@lica001, I'm so sorry you lost your dad to lung cancer. It's an ugly disease for sure.

MissLadyTay · March 2014

I don't let smokers hold my babies. It's that simple. Don't care if you've washed, smoke lingers. If you would rather smoke than have a relationship with my infant, that's your choice.

My son has asthma and I've watched him gasp for air like a fish out of water. After seeing that, I don't care for the feelings of smokers one bit.

yvanehtnioj · March 2014

My BIL & his fiance smoke and it bothers me. Whenever they go anywhere they both smoke in the car at the same time and it's pretty bad. I tried to tell my husband about 3rd hand smoke and he think it's overblown hype. Fine, even if the jury is still out on the harmful effects of occasional exposure, these two individuals still freaking stink and I don't want our baby to stink after they've held him. I'm going to make them put a blanket over themselves so the baby isn't directly touching their nasty smoke-filled clothes.

And I say this as someone who used to smoke a pack a day. No fucks or sympathies given.

flutepharm87 · March 2014

My mom and stepdad are both 2-ppd smokers. They smoke all the time, in the house, in the car. Where ever, whenever they want, they're lighting up. We got into a huge fight with the boys because I told them I wasn't going to bring them to her house. She felt that this was me trying to blackmail her into quitting. It was hard, I'm not going to lie. My stepdad never sees the boys. Once in a blue moon, when we meet up at restaurants and such for birthdays or on holidays, he'll see the boys. My mom comes around sporadically, but she can't leave her cigs behind.

To be honest, I haven't sat down yet and had an honest conversation with my mom about what's going to happen when Robbie comes home. She and my stepdad think that the government is tainting vaccines to make people sick (she's fucking crazy), so I doubt she's going to get the Tdap vaccine so she can see him. And we won't be visiting her house at all until Robbie's AT LEAST a year old. Christmas will be a huge point of contention, since I just don't feel comfortable bringing Robbie to their house even for something as important as Christmas.

But if there's anything I learned from talking to my mom last time, it's this. Your kids come first. Your children cannot speak for themselves, so they need parents who can advocate for what's best for them. You have your doctors, medical professionals, studies, etc. on your side when you say that anyone who's going to be spending time with your baby needs to follow your (for lack of a better term) rules. You're the parent, you make the choices.

Lild09 · March 2014

3rd hand smoke is a big deal especially for little ones. No one close to us is a smoker so we are lucky on that front but if ask kindly for them to air out/wash up and possibly change their shirt if it's really strong from smoke

jenb_99 · March 2014

I'm not going to make a huge deal about it if a smoker does come near my baby. I don't smoke and hardly anyone in my family or social circle does either, so the chance of exposing her to secondhand smoke is hardly worth worrying about. Obviously I wouldn't want someone breathing smoke on her or waving a lit cigarette around her head, and I would politely get her out of that situation if it ever came up, but I wouldn't ask someone to stay away from her just because their clothes or breath smelled a little ashy. In my case, since it would happen so rarely, it would come off as more snooty than protective.

laurblum · March 2014

Ugh after reading all of your responses I can definitely tell that this is going to be awkward and uncomfortable. I certainly don't want to offend or attack anyone, but like I said, there is no debate that smoking is bad for you and those around you. I hate to be one of those moms that makes everyone jump through hoops for the baby but like PP said, we are their advocates. They can't speak for themselves. And sure, there are always extremes to every story like the person who had both parents smoking in the house and have had no adverse effects as of yet, but then there's always the person who has all sorts of respiratory problems. You can't win so you have to draw a line. I'm just going to ask that they have a shirt to change in to. That's not a lot to ask.

Teddiesmom · March 2014

Marcella05 said:
My husband smokes and have been having discussions with him about quitting before baby comes... He is having a difficult time. It certainly doesn't help with my stress level that I have to worry about someone in my household, moreover someone who is supposed to be helping hands on.

This. I have the same issue and my DH quit for 6 weeks and has started again only 7 weeks out from my due date. I'm so angry I could punch him. I think it's a rotten habit and I honestly hate that my LO will be exposed to it without having any choice. My MIL also smokes and she smokes in the house. She is so easily offended that I don't think I could even touch on the matter of her stopping smoking inside before LO is born if she wants me to bring her over. A change of clothes I know would also deeply offend her. It annoys me that I am expected to compromise my LO's health for the sake of hurting feelings!

HAndrews25 · March 2014

Thank you for posting this! I had been on the fence about how to address this with my husband. His parents smoke, everywhere, all the time… Everything they touch in my house smells like smoke after they leave. I have to take all of the pillows and blankets off the couch that they sit on, wash them, and fabreeze what can’t be washed. I change my shirt after they hug me goodbye because the smell will linger. AND their house!!!!! It is a small three bedroom mobile home with two cigarette smokers and one pipe smoker that all smoke inside. WHILE YOU ARE THERE! WHILE YOU ARE EATING!!!!! We have a whole decontamination routine when we get home from their house. We both immediately throw our clothes in the washer when we get home. Then jump in the shower. I don’t bring my purse in or wear a jacking in that has to be dry-cleaned. It is super fun to get home late on Christmas Eve, be totally exhausted and have to do laundry, shower, WASH and BLOWDRY my hair. All the baby gifts they got us reeked from being in there house. They live 20 minutes away and are retired. They will want to come over and see the baby all the time. MIL even smoked while she was pregnant with my husband. He has severe allergies and asthma. While he has it very controlled as an adult, he was hospitalized several time throughout his childhood because of this. He was already genetically predisposed to this because his father has them, but I am sure the smoking in utero did not help.

After reading your all of your ladies posts I took the chicken way out and sent these two links to my husband with this message: “This is concerning to me.” He works in the medical field and teaches at a University. He reads medical journals for fun so I tried to find the most science based articles I could (short of sending him the actual study from the journal it was published in.)

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/what-is-third-hand-smoke/

https://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2014/03/140320-thirdhand-smoke-cigarettes-cancer/

What else am I supposed to say? Your parents are going to make our new baby smell like smoke???? The chemicals coming off your parents hair and clothing are going to potentially harm our baby? They are going to be at the hospital the day he is born. They are going to come into the room and want to hold him, and when they put him down he WILL smell like smoke!

I am sorry if this is a super vent. This has been weighing on me all week. Last weekend we were at a birthday shindig for my nieces and nephew. I was sitting outside on the patio with my mom. My MIL come sits down next to us and lights up a cigarette. The smoke was blowing right at me. I got up with the excuse to put something in my purse and then looked busy till she was done smoking. UGH!

flockofmoosen3 · March 2014

I haven't done any research on this topic since no one we're close to smokes cigarettes, but my BIL smokes a lot of pot, and the smell lingers on him (even though he doesn't think so). I don't think weed itself is any more dangerous at all, but is it better or considered the same in terms of 3rd hand exposure? Just wondering....I'll do some googlin' to find out.

firebelle26 · March 2014

I have this situation with my parents and my sister. They have all been smoking for a very, very long time and show no signs of trying or even wanting to quit. They all live in states away from us, so we won't be around them as much anyways. Except for Christmas. They all want to spend it with us this year with the new baby. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it.

definitely they will have to scrub their hands and I may have them change their shirt before holding her. Ugh, this is going to be a fight. I just know it.

Stess22 · March 2014

Lucky for me my SIL laid the law down pretty clearly when my niece was born. She told my MIL she would have to shower every time she smoked if she wanted to hold her grandchild. This was enough pressure to convince my MIL to stop smoking and she has been smoke free for 3+ years!
My BIL and FIL however smoke pot but usually late at night so it's less of a concer ... Except in the winter when they do that in my garage when they visit But i will force them outside ...
Your baby... Your rules

I was raised my a smoker (outside only) and have allergy and problems with my lungs to this day - that's the last thing I want for this LO. My dad promised to stop smoking when my mom conceived and he didn't actually until I was 11 ... I get it's a really hard thing to do but if something is going to motivate someone to stop it's a new life

NorthernGal248 · March 2014

awc1986 said:

My SIL and her fiancé both smoke and I won't be preventing them from seeing LO. They have 2 of their own and don't smoke around them. I would have a problem if they smoked when at my house (even in the garden), but when I'm at theirs then its their home and I can't tell them what to do. My nephews have no respiratory problems from being in a household of smokers.

My husband grew up in a smoking enviroment. At first he was fine and showed no signs of having any sort of effect on him. Now he is 26 years old and has been having breathing issues when he runs. He has always been fit and it came as a shock to us. He went to see a doctor and after the check up the doctor said "I assume your parents smoked around you when you were a child." We hadn't even mentioned it to the doctor. Yes youe nephews may not have problems now, but down the road they may.

Jillzy86 · March 2014

I would explain to them what you learned in your class about 2nd and 3rd hand smoke. As a FTM I would tell them that it's not a risk you are willing to take. If they don't like like it, oh well. It's your child and you don't have to risk your babies health just because they choose to risk their own.

momthatlifts · March 2014

Only person I know that would be around baby is my mil who smokes, but she only smokes at nights at her house and she never smells like it. She is actually pretty respectful and said if we were ever to leave LO with her she wouldn't smoke and I believe her. If she ever smelt like smoke I or dh would simply ask her to wash her hands the best she can, but she probably wouldn't be around her much anyways.

mmks · March 2014

I totally had this concern with my son when he was bitty. My MIL, SIL, and FIL all smoke and I was worried about my MIL cuddling him right after she came inside. They smoke outside at our home and theirs.
Luckily my BFF's father is a highly regarded pulmonary doctor and I had her ask him. He said it wouldn't be enough exposure to cause any damage. I chose not to mention it to my MIL after that. We don't see them that often anyway.

candrew05 · March 2014

My FIL is the only one thats smokes in our family. I am terrified of the topic with him so hope DH takes the lead on it. I will not be taking baby around him if he plans on smoking in front of LO. No way. My parents did the same with us as children when it came to grandparents and I grew up having so much respect for the fact my grandparents tried to hide it from me. That being said, just because FIL reaks of smoke I dont foresee him being around enough for us to ask him to change his clothes. He isn't a huge part of our life and I won't make a big deal of him holding baby once in a while for a couple mins.

giggler25 · March 2014

dragossoul84 said:

When I had DS 1 it wasn't an awkward conversation for me. I did my research I sent my family links to studies and said you want to to be involved then you wash your hands and change your clothes if thats to much to ask then you cannot hold LO. If they tried to refute me I said you raised your kids as you saw fit I will do the same with mine this is how it is.

Does anyone happen to have links to *easy-to-read* and*conclusive* studies about third hand smoke and the dangers for newborns? My mom has smoked my entire life in the house (including while I great up) and while I find the habit totally disgusting and completely believe third hand smoke could pose danger to baby, I just don't see her buying it and any conversations I'm going to have with her is not going to go over well. So, if anyone has links to articles and/or other objective talking points, please PLEASE share!

giggler25 · March 2014

@HAndrews25 -- Thank you for sharing those links. I completely feel your pain, and wish I had advice, but I feel like I'm in a similar position as you. I am not looking forward to this conversation at all, but I know it's one that needs to be had...

laurblum · March 2014

I came across a good article the other day and didn't bookmark it. I will try to relocate and post.

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