Unsolicited Advice

SmarieMcB84 · March 2014

So there has been a ton of great advice on today's board. Totally appropriate as this is a pregnancy board and there are a lot of FTM's here. As a matter of fact I wish I had taken part in these boards more when I was pregnant with #1. This is where many come for advice, so in no way is this post meant to go against any of the knowledgeable and helpful posts today.

It's more or less wondering the opposite, regarding very unhelpful and ignorant comments or advice you've been given regarding pregnancy and baby.

It made me think about when I was pregnant with #1 and random people would give me advice or tell me "I have to do this ..." or "I have to do that..." It drove me nuts! Mostly because, I didn't ask and most of the time it wasn't relevant information to me! I'm a firm believer that everyone is different. What worked for you may not work for me. I'm a figure out out as I go type of girl. Which, listen I know we're not all like that and some of you may genuinely appreciate all the points of views coming your way, and I'm not saying I'm unappreciative of advice that was given to me, but much of it was very confusing and hard for me to understand. It only got worse after DS was born. Luckily, with 2 under my belt now it is very seldom people tell me what I should or shouldn't do anymore. So I wear those little boys like badges of "I know what the fuck I'm doing - shut it!" I guess I am a little defensive when I feel people might think I don't know what I was doing as a FTM.

In that case, have you been bombarded with unsolicited advice lately regarding pregnancy and baby? Any good advice? Annoying advice? Ridiculous advice?

Ecat504 · March 2014

Yes it drives me nuts, I realize people are only trying to help and coming from my mom or grandma I totally welcome unsolisited advice as for unsolisited advice from my thirteen year old sisters school friend SHUT IT! I feel like if you don't have kids you can't tell me what to do with mine or how to deal with whatever. And I welcome advice and thoughts or comments or whatever and usuall I'll just shrug them off if I don't agree with it or if it's irrelevant or a number of other things but the fact that this 13 year old girl jumped into a conversation I was having with my mother about my morning sickness, made me irrate and all she said was you should eat some crackers but her tone was so snarky like "duh don't you know this" and I just glared at her and so badly wanted to snap back at
her. And that was only one specific incident with her

ETA: for clarity.

RedBaramid · March 2014

The next time my FIL makes any sort of comments, I mean "helpful reminders," about my cats and the safety of this baby I am just going to knife him, and then attempt to claim temporary insanity.

kami09 · March 2014

My mom always tells me that I need to atleast start walking. I worked out a ton before pregnancy, but I've basically been on my ass for the past 7 weeks. While I understand she is just being helpful and would never mean to insult me, it does make me feel like crap. I really would so it if I felt up to it! I actually love working out!

Also-- not exactly unsolicited advice, but I hate the "oh you just wait" snarky comments. Especially because they come from friends who are also FTM's who haven't had their babies yet. Like, B, I'm only a couple months behind you!

LSN8308 · March 2014

OMG yes! It has gotten unbearable at times and I find myself avoiding social situations all together. There's a wedding tomorrow that I was really looking forward to going to because I will be moving in 2 weeks, but everyone and their mother has been telling me what to do. Saying if I go to the wedding I need to just sit on the chair the whole time and not walk around. So I decided not to go.

Sometimes it's not so much the unsolicited advice, it's the repetition that I can't stand. Especially from the in-laws, every single day it's like I have freaking 24 hour surveillance.

Don't go up the stairs

Wear a lot of layers so the babies don't get cold

don't take vitamins because the babies will be fat

don't drive

don't go to a lot of Dr appts because they'll just tell u things that will worry u, just leave it all in G**'s hands.

Those are just a few of the silly comments and all of those are from fil n mil.

Sunnyalj · March 2014

OMG yes! It has gotten unbearable at times and I find myself avoiding social situations all together. There's a wedding tomorrow that I was really looking forward to going to because I will be moving in 2 weeks, but everyone and their mother has been telling me what to do. Saying if I go to the wedding I need to just sit on the chair the whole time and not walk around. So I decided not to go. Sometimes it's not so much the unsolicited advice, it's the repetition that I can't stand. Especially from the in-laws, every single day it's like I have freaking 24 hour surveillance. Don't go up the stairs Wear a lot of layers so the babies don't get cold don't take vitamins because the babies will be fat don't drive don't go to a lot of Dr appts because they'll just tell u things that will worry u, just leave it all in God's hands. Those are just a few of the ridiculous comments and all of those are from fil n mil.

Please please please fix that word...

LSN8308 · March 2014

I looked at the post for 5 minutes trying to realize what word. Sorry! I edited the G word as well. Thank u for the heads up.

teenybean · March 2014

I have had my share, like everyone here. I agree I can totally take it when it comes from a place of general concern where the person may be trying to allay my fears vs "just you wait", fear mongering or attention seekers.

brittneyandadam · March 2014

LSN8308 said:

OMG yes! It has gotten unbearable at times and I find myself avoiding social situations all together. There's a wedding tomorrow that I was really looking forward to going to because I will be moving in 2 weeks, but everyone and their mother has been telling me what to do. Saying if I go to the wedding I need to just sit on the chair the whole time and not walk around. So I decided not to go. Sometimes it's not so much the unsolicited advice, it's the repetition that I can't stand. Especially from the in-laws, every single day it's like I have freaking 24 hour surveillance. Don't go up the stairs Wear a lot of layers so the babies don't get cold don't take vitamins because the babies will be fat don't drive don't go to a lot of Dr appts because they'll just tell u things that will worry u, just leave it all in G**'s hands. Those are just a few of the silly comments and all of those are from fil n mil.

This one bothers me. I don't believe in any sort of diety and it gets really grating, especially when they say that in response to me waiting for test results. I know they can only go off of what they believe and it can be awkward to find an answer...but a simple "I'm sorry, I hope it all works out ok" would be just peachy.

Plus, the ppl who do know that I'm pregnant also know that I am very science and logical minded. Of course I'm going to trust my doctor, but I also do my research and know what to take with a grain of salt.

LSN8308 · March 2014

brittneyandadam said:

LSN8308 said:

OMG yes! It has gotten unbearable at times and I find myself avoiding social situations all together. There's a wedding tomorrow that I was really looking forward to going to because I will be moving in 2 weeks, but everyone and their mother has been telling me what to do. Saying if I go to the wedding I need to just sit on the chair the whole time and not walk around. So I decided not to go.

Sometimes it's not so much the unsolicited advice, it's the repetition that I can't stand. Especially from the in-laws, every single day it's like I have freaking 24 hour surveillance.

Don't go up the stairs

Wear a lot of layers so the babies don't get cold

don't take vitamins because the babies will be fat

don't drive

don't go to a lot of Dr appts because they'll just tell u things that will worry u, just leave it all in G**'s hands.

Those are just a few of the silly comments and all of those are from fil n mil.

This one bothers me. I don't believe in any sort of diety and it gets really grating, especially when they say that in response to me waiting for test results. I know they can only go off of what they believe and it can be awkward to find an answer...but a simple "I'm sorry, I hope it all works out ok" would be just peachy.

Plus, the ppl who do know that I'm pregnant also know that I am very science and logical minded. Of course I'm going to trust my doctor, but I also do my research and know what to take with a grain of salt.

same here, I'm a religious person, but even in my faith there's a teaching/proverb that is instilled "tie your camel" ...in reference to a man that wouldn't tie his camel because he said he had faith G** would not let it get stolen...

Faith is one thing, logic is another yet to me they go hand in hand. the thought of anyone not utilizing modern medicine and science is illogical.

Edit: grr mobile bump doesn't quote texts properly

punnybunny · March 2014

My MIL texted me to make sure I had a bedroom downstairs because I "won't be able to go up and down the stairs when I'm in my third trimester." I told her we were planning on moving the guest room downstairs when I'm feeling better and in my 2nd tri. She said to "take better care of myself." Not exactly bad advice for either thing but me being the sensitive/emotional puking monster that I am, it totally offended me with the way it was said. In general, I don't mind advice and suggestions but I haven't gotten a lot yet so that may change.

SmarieMcB84 · March 2014

A lot of these sound all too familiar ladies. The in-laws seems to be high offenders. Take it all with a grain of salt and hang on to the bits you find helpful! Do what works for you and what you're comfortable with.. That's my unsolicited advice, haha.

MMason12 · March 2014

What the heck is up with the stair comments? Seriously? Are people that insane?!?

I have yet to really get any "insane" or "wacky" advice but I'm sure I will. Oh wait, my Grandmother told me not to announce until I was at least 20 weeks, which would mean at 18 weeks I would show up to my cousins baby shower and "SURPRISE" the whole extended family that I was also pregnant. Worst.Idea.Ever! I obviously did not take her advice, and we announced at 12 weeks.

I'm sure I will get all kind of pregnancy/parenting advice. I'm fairly good at telling people to f***-off in a nice way that let's them know I don't want or need their advice unless asked, though so I'm really not worried about.

JD83 · March 2014

I haven't had much. My stepdad wouldn't let me help with anything when I was visiting a couple of weeks ago, including picking up a fork off the floor, because I'm "with-child." Apparently that means I'm an invalid. And MIL (bless her heart) tried to remind me to eat crackers during 1st tri; I never had m/s and I'm severely gluten intolerant. And a couple of people have said "Whatever you do, don't gain too much weight." 1) Thanks, I know that one. 2) I know I started with a surplus of poundage, but I'm still down 8lbs, so until you see me eating a whole cheesecake with my bare hands, how about keeping that one to yourself. KTHXBAI!

JSS1002 · March 2014

MMason12 said:

What the heck is up with the stair comments? Seriously? Are people that insane?!?

Seriously, nobody ever said a word to me about that, and I've never even HEARD that advice before.

JSS1002 · March 2014

SpoofLeJones said:

MMason12 said:

What the heck is up with the stair comments? Seriously? Are people that insane?!?

Seriously, nobody ever said a word to me about that, and I've never even HEARD that advice before.
---- My advice would be to take the stairs and stay active as much as possible. Exercise is *gasp* actually good for you. I'd like to know who started the rumor that pregnant women aren't supposed to move a muscle until the baby pops out. It's ridiculous.

Totally - I was a pretty active person prior to getting pregnant last time and I was so prohibitively exhausted that I really didn't exercise during my last pregnancy... this time I have stayed a lot more active (just walking on the treadmill), and I feel SO much better this time around, despite my docs advice that I would probably have pelvic pain/ RLP much earlier with #2!

JSS1002 · March 2014

SpoofLeJones said:

SpoofLeJones said:

MMason12 said:

What the heck is up with the stair comments? Seriously? Are people that insane?!?

Seriously, nobody ever said a word to me about that, and I've never even HEARD that advice before.
---- My advice would be to take the stairs and stay active as much as possible. Exercise is *gasp* actually good for you. I'd like to know who started the rumor that pregnant women aren't supposed to move a muscle until the baby pops out. It's ridiculous.

Totally - I was a pretty active person prior to getting pregnant last time and I was so prohibitively exhausted that I really didn't exercise during my last pregnancy... this time I have stayed a lot more active (just walking on the treadmill), and I feel SO much better this time around, despite my docs advice that I would probably have pelvic pain/ RLP much earlier with #2!
----- Yup, I wish I hadn't been such a couch potato last time. I plan to continue my normal diet and exercise routine this time. I feel so much better when I'm active.

Me too (as I sit here drinking coffee and watching THe Millionaire Matchmaker on my DVR... guess I'll take this opportunity to practice what i preach!)

Nootbar · March 2014

We finally told our church small group about our pregnancy. Someone asked how I was feeling and I answered honestly that I'm not feeling all that great, because I have had 24 hour nausea and vomiting with this pregnancy. Another girl decided to chime in and tell me that if I'd just take my prenatal at night, like she did, all my morning sickness would go away. Sigh. Of course, thank you! 3 prescription meds in and I hadn't thought of that... Didn't have the heart to tell her I'm lucky to choke down (and keep down) the prenatal at any freakin' time of day.

bumpuser10199668 · March 2014

MermaidsMagic said:
Ladies, I know it's all irritating, but this isn't going to end when the baby comes out. Forever people will be coming up to you and giving you advice you don't need. "Shouldn't that baby have socks on? It's awfully cold in here." It's 105 degrees outside but thanks. "Oh, don't you think you'd want to pierce her ears so people think she's a girl?" Nope but thanks. All you can do is smile and nod with strangers and when it comes to family just say "I'll think about that, thanks." There's no reason to get worked up about people's advice especially from Granny and her friends.

Does unsolicited advice about ignoring unsolicited advice count ?

mcstrepp · March 2014

My least favorite is everyone seems to comment about the food I'm eating and not eating. Are you supposed to be eating that? You didn't eat all your lunch. I hope that's not caffeinated coffee in your cup. I just try and smile and not let it make me crazy. As said above the comments and advice aren't going to stop when the baby is born.

kirstynikole · March 2014

Yea I think we all have a certain extent of this especially the FTM. My aunt, who I'm sure means well, told me not to take any medicine. Nothing. When I couldnt keep fluids down(let alone food) for a 24 hour period I definitely took a zofran to help get some sort of nutrition into my body. Figured it was better than possibly becoming severely dehydrated and risking a possible trip to the ER. I'm sure once I'm further along I'll hear more and more advice that will irk and make me feel slightly insulted.. So far I've only gotten a few here and there

whataboutscience · March 2014

We have a trip planned and will be flying when I am 30 weeks. When it has come up in conversation, more than a few women have told me, "you can't fly then!" My doctor is completely fine with it, so everyone else can please shut it. Thank you. Medicine and science might not be exactly like when you gave birth 2 or 3 decades ago.

Monotonetwo · March 2014

Ha! Yes! I don't hate advice but overbearing "you have to's" are rather annoying. My MIL works at MY OB office lol and she's a preg advisor, this is her first grandchild so I get the "take care of my little girl" and naming advise. The worst is when they talk crap about the name my husband and I have already chosen. She doesn't like the name we chose. Too bad.

This is my second child and I was a nanny for many years for 2 boys (one with autism) so I feel like an old pro with boys.

Just have to keep in mind that the advise comes from a good hearted place and take the unsolicited advise with a grain of salt.

brittneyandadam · March 2014

Today I nearly decked DH's best friend. He's 31, has no kids, and is on his 3rd marriage. He asked if I was going to get an epidural...I told him that I didn't plan on it, but you never know. He replied that I really need to since I'll be in so m/uch pain and it'll help keep my mind off of my nether-regions being "wrecked for life". Um, excuse me?

Why is this man concerned about my vagina?

whataboutscience · March 2014

@monotonetwo We aren't telling names until the baby is here for this reason. MIL is a frequent giver of unsolicited advice and opinions. We pretty much have decided on a name for both boy and girl, but we are keeping it to ourselves. A friend recently listed a few names of difficult children she knows (we do not know them) and telling us definitely not to use those names. One of them is our name if we have a boy. We just smiled and said nothing.

Monotonetwo · March 2014

whataboutscience said:
@monotonetwo We aren't telling names until the baby is here for this reason. MIL is a frequent giver of unsolicited advice and opinions. We pretty much have decided on a name for both boy and girl, but we are keeping it to ourselves. A friend recently listed a few names of difficult children she knows (we do not know them) and telling us definitely not to use those names. One of them is our name if we have a boy. We just smiled and said nothing.

Ha! Found out today on a private scan that I am having a boy not a girl as dr thought. What does mil text? "Since I am not getting my girl can I at least name my grandson?" NO! Lol dh and I will name our child and we have also decided to keep our name we chose secret until he is born. Maddox dalton

but she actually had the audacity to ask if she could name my child!

ConversationFear · March 2014

Regularly - even about what we should name him.

It's amazing how many "experts" on motherhood there are our there. They tell me all this "new" information about toys you "need" and things that our parents used with us that are now deemed "detrimental" to a child's development (even though we all turned out JUST FINE.)

I'm like you OP - figure it out as you go. I'm also a little more confident as I was a nanny for a very long time, so I have quite a bit of experience with taking care of babies and children of all ages.

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