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usually on TTGP, but need some advice on a blended fam issue

PookiesonPookieson member
in Blended Families
Hi, I'm new to this board and I need some guidance.

DD is from a previous marriage 7 years ago.  She's 7 now.  We divorced before she was even one.  Her dad has been a dead beat, but the last two years he has improved.  He makes most of her extra curricular activities, and seems to be taking more of an interest.  He's still a douche and not a great parent, but he is an okay one (he doesn't pay child support, he doesn't make sure her homework is done...crap like that).  He improved after I threatened that he would lose some visitation if the homework situation didn't improve.  It did improve (he still misses days here and there, but it's a packet due on Friday, so we end up making it up here) and he has been more involved.  Until last night.  

DD had a softball game.  Her first game pitching.  After the game she asks where her dad is and why he didn't come?  I said I didn't know.  She says, "I told him!  I reminded him what time!  He said he'd be here!"  I responded that he probably had to work, or got caught up with something.  He lives 30 min away, so maybe that was an issue.  When we get in the car I have a text to have DD call him.  She does.  She then comes out of her room bawling about ten minutes later.

She babbles out, "He said he forgot!  He forgot I played and I reminded him and you gave him a schedule!  I saw it!  I told him yesterday when I was visiting it was today! (wed) He said he isn't coming to my game Saturday either because he is going out of town.  He never takes me anywhere!  He always goes on vacation by himself!  He forgot about me.  He just forgot about me...."  tears rolling down her face, I'm hugging her trying everything I can to not start bawling with her.  

He has bailed A LOT.  She was always smaller though and didn't notice or he was able to bullshit his way out of it.  My  heart is broken that she finally realizes he sucks and there is nothing I can do to fix it.  I want to throat punch him so hard!  I know this is just a shit situation...but  my question is:

Does anyone have any experience with this?  What is the best thing I can do for her?  What should I not say?  Do I defend ex-H?  Make excuses for him or why he didn't call?  I'm not a product of divorce, DH is...so he does better with those talks sometimes.  I just told her I would always be here, she could always talk to me and I'm sorry her feelings were hurt.  I'm tearing up just writing this because I am so angry and hurt for her.  TIA

Edit for clarity and words are hard
BFP#1 6/2013: MMC 8/2013 @ 6 wks, 3 d
BFP#2 1/2014: CP 1/2014 @ 3 wks, 4 d
BFP#3 4/2014: MC 4/2014 @ 4 wks, 1 d
Break until Dec 2014
Femara, aspirin and progesterone started 12/2015
Still working on #2!

    
 
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Re: usually on TTGP, but need some advice on a blended fam issue

  • VedaFlashVedaFlash member
    Sorry you are dealing with that.  I have dealt with that with my stepsons.  Their mom was never really involved and frequently goes MIA.  It's been 6 months since they've had any contact with her and this is nothing unusual.  At this point, they are really just mad. Before, they were sad, they missed her...  Now they are old enough to realize it's her doing and they are just really angry with her.  

    We made sure not to talk shit about her to them but we didn't make excuses for her either.  Really we just wanted to comfort the boys and make sure they knew it was nothing they did, not their fault.  As they've gotten older, there is more that we can tell them and they can understand better but it's never easy.  It's hard to see them upset and especially when it's their parent who is doing it.  You want to help them have a relationship, but you can't force it.  

    Blended families are tough.  I don't have any pearls of wisdom really but I want to wish you good luck.
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    I think you mostly handled it well. Make sure she knows she us secure in your home, never talk bad about exH, and don't make excuses for him. Instead of saying he musty be at work, just say you don't know; she'll have to ask him next time. And make sure she knows that she should always tell people how they make her feel.

    That being said, even the PCP or "better parent" can disappoint kids sometimes. My SD or DS can tell me something or I can have it on the calendar and still forget it. Of course I feel like crap about it, but it happens sometimes.

    It sucks watching your kids figure out that their parents aren't superhuman perfect, though. But as long as you deal with it with grace, honesty, and stability she'll probably come through it ok.
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