Showers only for FTMs?

shaylagirl · March 2014

I thought I'd poke around on this board and just read up and see what there is to see, especially as my mom, sister, BF and co-workers have mentioned wanting to do a shower.

Except, I'm not a FTM. And it's not my husband's first either.

Mine is 16. His is 12.

The general consensus I'm getting from others is that with an age difference like we have, it's 100% acceptable to hold a shower.

And, I know I'm certainly not going to tell my family and friends and my co-workers no, because honestly, I don't have any baby stuff any more (excluding a few outfits my son wore as a baby).

So, I thought I'd put it out there:
Is that gift-grabby? A social faux pas? Or acceptable?

VOR · March 2014

shaylagirl said:

And, I know I'm certainly not going to tell my family and friends and my co-workers no, because honestly, I don't have any baby stuff any more (excluding a few outfits my son wore as a baby).

With statements like this, yes, I find it gift grabby.

Look, in all honesty, i fyou were a good friend of mine - I'd probably gladly go to a shower for you. However, if I KNEW you were "expecting" one because "i need baby stuff", it would sour my desire to go.

it's YOUR CHOICE to have another kid. It's NOT your friends and family's responsibility to stock you up with everything you need.

SuperFreakedFirstTimer · March 2014

I'm tacky. Throw a giant show like it 's your first and enjoy it. Be "gift grabby"...I'm sure you don't have you teenagers baby clothes still laying around. Go for it.

shaylagirl · March 2014

Darbie914 said:

QFP

*chuckle* I've hung out over on The Knot. I'm not one to DD anything.

Just for the record.

I actually find all this input interesting. My original stance was "Is it really ok?" And I asked around and the overwhelming response I got from friends and some "internet only" friends was "Age gap, so it's totally cool."

It's always interesting to see what a broad spectrum of people think. And, I poked around before posting this, and hadn't seen it posted, so thought, at least for future posterity's sake, I'd ask so other women would know.

And while I agree it's no one's responsibility to pay for our child, I know some people do enjoy making a big fuss over impending babies. Me, I just like cake (which is usually offered around at any office function), and I don't expect anything. I didn't ask my family to do anything, but my mom and sis badly want to do one, and I don't see the point in hurting their feelings either if it's something they really want to do. And if they don't do one, hey, I'm cool with that too.

Again, this is my personal opinion. Everyone's entitled to theirs. As I stated previously, I wanted this up for future STMs.

jf198400 · March 2014

Personally I wouldn't mind going to a shower for a friend/family when there's that big of an age gap, especially since it's your first child together. If they are the ones offering, I'd take them up on it.

RibbitGrl930 · March 2014

SuperFreakedFirstTimer said:

I'm tacky. Throw a giant show like it 's your first and enjoy it. Be "gift grabby"...I'm sure you don't have you teenagers baby clothes still laying around. Go for it.

LOL. You're cute.

MaybeKatie10 · March 2014

I would rather tell my Mom and my Sister 'no shower' and deal with those 'hurt feelings' than let them throw me a big shower and have half of my friends/family talking behind my back and calling me a 'gimmee pig' after they were invited to this tacky nonsense. And no, no one is going to tell you to your face that they think you're tacky and greedy. They might even come and bring a gift (Like I used to do for my ex SIL) just to keep the peace. Doesn't mean they are THINKING it though.

For the record, I'm a FTM and I declined a shower just because I didn't want one. I STILL ended up with more presents than I know what to do with. Seriously, everything I can imagine and then some was given by friends any family. So I am living proof that if your friends and family are inclined, they will buy you things without a shower.

In fact, I think I probably got MORE simply because not looking like a greedy pig tends to inspire excess generosity in most people.

[Deleted User] · March 2014

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[Deleted User] · March 2014

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dufferoo · March 2014

Maaaaaan, if only you'd said: "I know I'm certainly not going to tell them no, because they all just seem so excited and frankly I'm just tickled freakin pink at the idea of being a new mommy again after all these years and I'm so stoked to celebrate with my friends!" Then I would've been all: "You know what? It's been a million years; just keep it small and have your fun." But no. You had to mention that you want the shower for the STUFF. I mean, you tell me: How could that not be construed as gift-grabby?

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TallMomma29 · March 2014

The "no showers for anyone but FTMs" thing is the one thing about baby shower etiquette that completely surprises me, because I've only ever heard about that rule on these boards! I am pretty sure that everyone I know has had at least one shower for every baby, even if they are the same sex, and they are all called "showers." I just don't get how it is more tacky and gift grabby just because you already had a kid over a decade ago, when it's other people offering to have a shower for you (not you asking/hinting for one or throwing one yourself).

(Personally, I'd rather not have a shower at all, even for my first baby, because to me ALL showers are technically "gift grabby" and I don't need people to feel pressure to give me a gift. I don't need gifts. So this is not just me being "tacky" or "gift-grabby" myself.)

I'd say go with what people tell you who you know in real life, because they will be more in tune with what is proper in your area and in your circle(s). Although, if you had to ask, that may be a sign that it is viewed as tacky where you are, and you may have just been hoping people on this board would tell you otherwise.

Unknown · March 2014

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ArmyWife114 · March 2014

jociejones said:

Maaaaaan, if only you'd said: "I know I'm certainly not going to tell them no, because they all just seem so excited and frankly I'm just tickled freakin pink at the idea of being a new mommy again after all these years and I'm so stoked to celebrate with my friends!" Then I would've been all: "You know what? It's been a million years; just keep it small and have your fun." But no. You had to mention that you want the shower for the STUFF. I mean, you tell me: How could that not be construed as gift-grabby?

This is where I'm at too.

MMason12 · March 2014

VOR said:

shaylagirl said:

And, I know I'm certainly not going to tell my family and friends and my co-workers no, because honestly, I don't have any baby stuff any more (excluding a few outfits my son wore as a baby).

With statements like this, yes, I find it gift grabby.

Look, in all honesty, i fyou were a good friend of mine - I'd probably gladly go to a shower for you. However, if I KNEW you were "expecting" one because "i need baby stuff", it would sour my desire to go.

it's YOUR CHOICE to have another kid. It's NOT your friends and family's responsibility to stock you up with everything you need.

This! I agree with you! I really get annoyed with people who hint or say they want or need a shower "because they do not have any baby stuff". You're the one who got knocked up, you and you alone are responsible for providing everything that little one needs. Even as a first time parent that is your job. If you have a shower and/or gifts are given to you, that's great -- but if not than oh well. It's not everyone else's job to provide stuff for your offspring.

shaylagirl · March 2014

MrsLee04 said:

shaylagirl said:

And, I poked around before posting this, and hadn't seen it posted, so thought, at least for future posterity's sake, I'd ask so other women would know.

Clearly not, because this is a dead horse issue on this board.

Apologies then. I went back three pages, and even did a search (perhaps I didn't hit on the right string/phrase to get what I was looking for), but didn't find this specific question and answer. And the reason I asked was that I saw in several threads that it wasn't okay to have a shower if your children were young or close in age.

Hence why I asked.

jociejones said:

Maaaaaan, if only you'd said: "I know I'm certainly not going to tell them no, because they all just seem so excited and frankly I'm just tickled freakin pink at the idea of being a new mommy again after all these years and I'm so stoked to celebrate with my friends!" Then I would've been all: "You know what? It's been a million years; just keep it small and have your fun." But no. You had to mention that you want the shower for the STUFF. I mean, you tell me: How could that not be construed as gift-grabby?

Actually, I like showers for cake. No lies. The reality is that people keep giving us stuff (we've actually told friends to please stop), so I'm not in it for the stuff. It's cool if people want to give...whatever...just gimmie cake.

I guess that -does- make me cake-grabby.

TallMomma29 said:

I'd say go with what people tell you who you know in real life, because they will be more in tune with what is proper in your area and in your circle(s). Although, if you had to ask, that may be a sign that it is viewed as tacky where you are, and you may have just been hoping people on this board would tell you otherwise.

As I said, I asked because I hadn't seen this specific question raised. And after going through several threads that made me go "Huh....that's new to me. Let me clarify." I posted. I'd already spoken with some people I've known for awhile who aren't related to me, who I've known for a while and who I consider "internet friends" who had said months ago that said with the age gap, new husband/new family it seemed completely acceptable to them. And many of them are very etiquette driven. Which led to my confusion when coming to this board.

Again, thanks everyone for the input/posts/comments. It is genuinely appreciated.

Unknown · March 2014

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SuperFreakedFirstTimer · March 2014

@Darby914 I know, right? Thanks. I'm aware. I think this is a big stink over nothing & shouldn't be so stressful, just do it or don't. It's fine either way.

TallMomma29 · March 2014

Bliss+Berry said:

TallMomma29 said:

The "no showers for anyone but FTMs" thing is the one thing about baby shower etiquette that completely surprises me, because I've only ever heard about that rule on these boards! I am pretty sure that everyone I know has had at least one shower for every baby, even if they are the same sex, and they are all called "showers." I just don't get how it is more tacky and gift grabby just because you already had a kid over a decade ago, when it's other people offering to have a shower for you (not you asking/hinting for one or throwing one yourself).

@TallMomma29 It's funny you say that because I had never heard of people having showers for subsequent pregnancies until seeing it on TB.

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This makes it seem like it's more of a regional etiquette thing than a solid etiquette rule to me. It's also an etiquette rule that just does not make sense to me. I totally get things like not throwing your own shower, not planning/dictating your own shower, not assuming you'll get one, not dictating the gifts that people bring, if any, etc. But I don't get considering it tacky if friends/family want to throw a baby shower for a second baby. The "the point is to welcome the mom to motherhood" thing is silly to me. The presents aren't special mom presents for the mom--they are presents for the baby. Why can't people excited about a new baby and celebrate that baby too? A shower for a second baby is "gift-grabby" but a first shower isn't? It's a silly distinction to me. Again, I'd rather not have any shower so this is not me trying to justify being gift-grabby myself. I just don't think people should turn down the offer of a shower for a second baby just because some random people on the internet say it's tacky (if that's not how your friends and family feel about it).

SuperFreakedFirstTimer · March 2014

Maybe my family and friends are just different than everyone else. They'd be more than happy to throw me a party and wouldn't shy away from buying me gifts. I'd never go out and demand it, or even expect it...but I just almost could guarantee that it would happen. I'd accept anything graciously & NO ONE would see it as me taking advantage of them . It's an exciting time. I don't see all the limitations and fuss.

I'll just stop commenting now because 1)I don't actually care all that much to continue to "defend" my opinion (which is what I thought this was asking for) & 2)I'll just sit over here and be thankful that I don't have "by the book" friends and family members.

shaylagirl · March 2014

What I find interesting in all of this is no one's checked with the "Queen of Etiquette", Emily Post. She was/is the "gold standard" for what was right and wrong, right?

Just for shits and giggles, I googled to see what Emily Post said about it.

Is it proper to give a baby shower for a second baby? Some say that baby showers should only be given for the first born.

Answer:
It's fine to have a baby shower for a second or third baby. Immediate family and very close friends are usually included, but otherwise choose guests who did not attend a shower for a previous child.

I'm not saying Emily Post is the "Be All End All" authority on all things right and proper, but it seemed like a jumping off point.

And, on the flip side, Dear Abby weighed in on a post in the August 5, 1998 posting in the Chicago Tribune with a different opinion.

Dear Abby: My friend, who is pregnant with her second child, has asked me to give her a baby shower. I don't have a problem entertaining for her, but this is her second pregnancy in two years -- and everyone I've invited refused to attend.

Friends I've talked to think a baby shower is only for the first baby or for babies spaced apart by five to 10 years. Perhaps I would get a better guest response if I didn't invite the same women who were invited to the first baby shower.

Abby, what is the limit for baby showers? How many years between babies, and what is the responsibility of the baby shower hostess?

Baby Shower Hostess In Maine

Dear Hostess: According to "The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette," a baby shower is not usually given for a second or third child, because the mother already has the essential items from her first child and may not want to put friends who attended the first shower in the position of having to give a second gift.

Instead of a shower, consider a small gathering of close friends at a luncheon or tea. If a guest wants to bring a token gift, an article of baby clothing or an IOU to provide a few frozen meals to the parents after the baby's arrival, it would be a nice gesture.

Interesting to see that there's two points of view out there, and, perhaps, there's really no "right" or "wrong" answer according to two people that -many- out consider "experts" on etiquette.

Just thought I'd share.

Or perhaps it's just beating a dead horse at this point. Who knows.

shaylagirl · March 2014

Bliss+Berry said:

Darbie914 said:

I mean, if you really want cake, just bake a cake. Or go to a bakery.

Not that hard.

Um, this.

People do eat cake outside of baby/bridal showers. No lies.

*sigh*

You know, I -know- humor doesn't translate well via text or forum. And yet, I still keep trying.

One of these days I'll stop.

dufferoo · March 2014

@shaylagirl i usually don't bother to get involved on page 2 of these argumentative threads, but for what it's worth, Emily Post is dead and her kids took over for her, so The Emily Post Institute is certainly no gold standard anymore. Miss Manners: there's your girl.

ArgyleBride · March 2014

jociejones said:

@shaylagirl i usually don't bother to get involved on page 2 of these argumentative threads, but for what it's worth, Emily Post is dead and her kids took over for her, so The Emily Post Institute is certainly no gold standard anymore. Miss Manners: there's your girl.

QFT. There is a right answer, and neither of the ones you quoted are it. Miss Manners, aka Judith Martin, is the gold standard. She says showers are intended to welcome FTM to motherhood, and there cannot be another welcoming.

However, she is sentimental, and might be moved to attend a second shower for someone she loves, consciously failing to notice it is not proper. She would of course never have a second shower herself, nor throw one. She also would not accept a shower thrown by a relative, nor throw one for her own relative, although the practice is fully accepted on this board. That rule is not gone. As with second showers, guests merely overlook transgressions (or not, as they choose) out of sentiment.

Unknown · March 2014

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RibbitGrl930 · March 2014

Joy2611 said:

SuperFreakedFirstTimer said:

@Darby914 I know, right? Thanks. I'm aware. I think this is a big stink over nothing & shouldn't be so stressful, just do it or don't. It's fine either way.

It's not a big stink over nothing. It's a big deal to take advantage of your friends' and family's generosity. Seriously. Life isn't all ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME. It's good to remember that sometimes.

Geez.

But that's not convenient, so.....

ArgyleBride · March 2014

Bliss+Berry said:

jociejones said:

@shaylagirl i usually don't bother to get involved on page 2 of these argumentative threads, but for what it's worth, Emily Post is dead and her kids took over for her, so The Emily Post Institute is certainly no gold standard anymore. Miss Manners: there's your girl.

This. Emily Post is surely rolling over in her grave.

Not to beat a dead horse, but it's not even her descendant, it's the wife of one of her descendants. Coattails and marketing.

chevronseven · March 2014

I am in the same boat as a PP. Until I came on these boards I had NO IDEA it was considered tacky to have a shower for a second baby. I just always assumed every baby was worth celebrating. I have friends who have had showers for second babies and I never heard a word said against them. I mean you're not throwing it for yourself, someone who knows you're not a FTM is offering, so I don't see the harm in accepting. Also, even if something is considered tacky by a majority, I personally think the only thing that matters is your personal circle. If it's common among your family and friends to have second baby showers, then why on earth should it matter what a bunch of internet strangers consider to be tacky? Just my opinion. BUT I agree that you shouldn't be looking at it as an opportunity to get stuff but as a time to celebrate your new baby with family and friends. Gifts are just a bonus.

ArgyleBride · March 2014

Can I just say how offensive the "every baby is worth celebrating" line is? It's pretty horrible/stupid to imply that FTM-only advocates are somehow saying subsequent babies aren't as special or important. What a straw-man.

Unknown · March 2014

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Relish1025 · March 2014

It's totally fine; if those around you find it "socially acceptable" to throw you a shower, or even a "sprinkle", then I think it'd be more rude to decline their offer. There's no point asking total strangers on the internet for their opinion, seeing as the people IRL whom you deal with are already ok with this notion, and obviously don't see it as gift grabby.

Relish1025 · March 2014

Darbie914 said:

On the premise of this "acceptable in your social circle" excuse, you should be 100% sure that every person invited is okay with second showers. If you don't know for sure, you take the risk of offending people and coming across as tacky.

Also, the MTB still has to accept or decline- you can't pass that off to the hosts. So even though your aunt is hosting, people will still know you decided to accept the offer of another shower- and another shot at getting more gifts.

If you offend someone by inviting them to a shower which, might I add, they can simply not go to, then I think they're a little too touchy top be considered a part of your social circle. I don't get why everyone is so obsessed with being tacky, or making a social faux pas. If someone wants to throw you a party, I think it's MORE rude to decline their offer. Seriously, if you live your life worrying about who you're going to offend with every decision, then I pity you. You know what, people like getting gifts. People like giving gifts. It's a form of communion which both parties enter into at their discretion. Also, I don't think a MTB should be guilty for being grateful for receiving gifts from others, seeing as the sole purpose of the gift is to help raise a baby. It's not as though the parents are requesting flat screen TVs and Coach bags, so to condemn them for wanting/needing a few extra things is ridiculous. Yes, everyone should be able to care for their child, but you know what? From the moment that baby is born, those parents are going to be providing everything it'll need for at least the next 18 years. So if they need a little assistance to get started, fine. In the grand scheme of the child's life, the items received at a baby shower are inconsequential; therefore MTB shouldn't be considered "gift grabby" or tacky for accepting an invitation from someone else who wants to throw them a goddam shower and potentially help them out a bit.

slovacmom · March 2014

I am in weird stance on this topic since baby showers are a new concept to me. I had to ask for advice because I didn't really know what they were, and finally attended one. It was a bit strange but also fun. Was neat to see all the different things people here use to rear a child as well.

The FTM thing has me on edge. I never had a baby shower with my son because he passed away at 23 weeks and we were so new to America that I had not even heard of them. This time around I had been in America for a few years and made close friends who offered to throw me a shower party. I am not a FTM. Even having my son alive for only 2 days made me a mother. I held him, I kissed him, I loved him. I left the hospital without him. Buried him. But I am a mother.

I do not think it's wrong of me to accept this shower offer from my friends. I think people need to leave these things up to social structure of the MTB. I think the real "tacky" part is bad-mouthing a MTB behind her back about something as simple as a party for her baby, 1st, 2nd or 5th.

SanRemo · April 2014

To OP, if I was your friend and received an invite to your baby shower, I would be thrilled and I would attend. Now if you had just had a child two years ago I might not be as excited.

nurrieum · April 2014

jociejones said:

@shaylagirl i usually don't bother to get involved on page 2 of these argumentative threads, but for what it's worth, Emily Post is dead and her kids took over for her, so The Emily Post Institute is certainly no gold standard anymore. Miss Manners: there's your girl.

Miss Manners- true story

Unknown · April 2014

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Unknown · April 2014

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montella1064 · April 2014

Well I am and STM. My son is 5 and I'm 3 months pregnant with baby #2 right now. I wasn't working when I had my son but this time around I am working full time and have been at this company 4 and a half years. My director and co workers have already expressed how excited they are for me (they're all older with grandkids) and they can't wait till I find out the gender so they can plan a shower for me at work. I'm not going to tell them no, they're ecstatic and already have said that this baby will have so many grandmas. It's been years for them all since a new baby was brought into their lives.

On the family side of it... my brother in law already asked me if it was okay for his wife to plan my baby shower because she really wants to do it. I told him you aren't supposed to have a 2nd baby shower and his response was 'so what, we still can'. So we'll see what happens there. I don't want to be rude if this is something my sister in law really wants to do.

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