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February 2014 Moms
NoelMarieFrey
member
Serious SO vent.
NoelMarieFrey
member
Maybe you guys can tell me how to handle this, but here it is 4 am and I've been up since three with DD!
My SO and I have an agreement. I wake up with her Monday-Friday, while he works his 12+ hour days. But he has her Friday and Saturday night so I can actually have a break to sleep. Which I feel is pretty easy, considering he does none of the feedings, diaper changes, and has only put her to sleep a handful of times.
Here it is Friday night, and what happens?!! He is somehow drunk laying next to me, completely ignoring the fact that I've slept a total of 10 hours in three days. I tried to wake him up, until I realized he was drunk.
So I'm beyond pissed. Am I acting like a baby because I am tired, or is this something I have a right to be angry about!
My SO and I have an agreement. I wake up with her Monday-Friday, while he works his 12+ hour days. But he has her Friday and Saturday night so I can actually have a break to sleep. Which I feel is pretty easy, considering he does none of the feedings, diaper changes, and has only put her to sleep a handful of times.
Here it is Friday night, and what happens?!! He is somehow drunk laying next to me, completely ignoring the fact that I've slept a total of 10 hours in three days. I tried to wake him up, until I realized he was drunk.
So I'm beyond pissed. Am I acting like a baby because I am tired, or is this something I have a right to be angry about!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Serious SO vent.
But him being drunk really set me off tonight. I'm glad I had here to vent, because I was so close just to kicking him out of bed.
Eta actual words not garbled ones.
Mom to Lily and Colin!
It's so hard because tonight there is nothing to be done. Which sucks for you. But be sure to address it tomorrow and figure out how to prevent future problems.
I informed him well in advance of this baby that he'd be helping by giving bottles at night and doing diaper changes. He agreed after talking to my therapist about the effects of sleep deprivation on PPD and seeing how bad it was with our first.
I broke down and decided to EBF this time too, but I still have him get up with our toddler and do the occasional diaper change... he's bitched a few times, but didn't like the response he received and learned quickly not to.
June/July 2011 - IVF #1 - Transfer cancelled due to OHSS
23 perfect embryos. All 23 made it to freezing!
September/October - FET #1 - October 12th - 2 Grade A embies
October 20th - BFP??! EDD - July 1, 2012
Beta #1 = 154, Beta #2 = 352 Beta #3 = 3,800
U/S #2 - November 14th = 133 bpm! U/S #3 & 4 - November 30th and December 7th = 163 bpm! U/S#5 - January 30th - TEAM PINK!!!
Baby Sweets born on her due date!
It is completely unacceptable that a SO doesn't do his share. Completely. You say he hasn't done any feedings or any diaper changes? That is not okay.
Even if he works, you getting so little sleep is unacceptable and unsafe. He needs to step it up. He's a father.
I really can't believe it... Are you saying he's never changed a diaper?
@MissDemeanor He laughed? And you said he doesn't know where the diapers are?
Come on ladies. Put your foot down. Now.
I'm completely serious when I say I'd rather be a single mom doing it on my own because no one was there to help than to have a douche sleeping while I struggled with the baby.
Because this is douchey behavior. It is not okay.
My MIL's dad was sexist, fairly uninvolved, and a police officer who worked long shifts. But he gave a crap about the health of his wife and children so he and his wife would change of nights. For each child's first year one would take one night and the other the next. And this was a guy who felt childcare should be done by women.
He has changed a few diapers, and fed her a couple of times. But when he went back to work after having the first week off, I think he ASSUMED that I should take full responsibility of taking care of her because he has a job and I'm not working.
So I do all the feedings an diaper changes during the day, and when he gets off work, he thinks it's time for him to relax, or play his games. I asked him the other night to put her to sleep, and he did without questions but that doesn't happen often at all!
She fell asleep for an hour so I did get at least 30 minutes of sleep.
I just hope he is prepared for the aftermath that is coming his way.
OP, I feel you. DH has been less than helpful. I'm torn because my husband does work a zillion hours a week and I am currently not working, but I also need a break and he very rarely relieves me. I do think it's fair that I take more of the "baby load" right now, not because I am a woman but because of the work situation. That said, I shouldn't have to take it all on.
Anyway, no advice ....just empathy. It sounds like we both need to have a discussion with our husbands.
I kind of agree with you and I kind of don't. To me, the fact that my husband has worked a ton of hours does factor in to the equation. That isn't to say that I don't deserve a break and that I won't speak up for myself to get one, but I would be putting more of the childcare responsibility on him if he wasn't working. In turn, I fully expect him to step it up when I go back to work and his schedule slows down (which it will in a couple of months). Also, I want to be clear that this isn't a gender issue for me, it'sabout practicality.
That said, you are right in that I do deserve breaks and that it shouldn't be entirely dumped on my shoulders simply because he currently has a job outside of the house and I don't. I don't want anyone to infer from my post that I think that a "working" partner is exempt from childcare responsibilities or that the partner who stays at home shouldn't be relieved.
What is most important is that every couple decides for themselves how they want to divide the labor and that they come together on a plan that works for both of them without either side feeling taken advantage of or put upon. This is obviously going to be different from couple to couple.
I kind of agree with you and I kind of don't. To me, the fact that my husband has worked a ton of hours does factor in to the equation. That isn't to say that I don't deserve a break and that I won't speak up for myself to get one, but I would be putting more of the childcare responsibility on him if he wasn't working. In turn, I fully expect him to step it up when I go back to work and his schedule slows down (which it will in a couple of months). Also, I want to be clear that this isn't a gender issue for me, it'sabout practicality.
That said, you are right in that I do deserve breaks and that it shouldn't be entirely dumped on my shoulders simply because he currently has a job outside of the house and I don't. I don't want anyone to infer from my post that I think that a "working" partner is exempt from childcare responsibilities or that the partner who stays at home shouldn't be relieved.
What is most important is that every couple decides for themselves how they want to divide the labor and that they come together on a plan that works for both of them without either side feeling taken advantage of or put upon. This is obviously going to be different from couple to couple.
@bribbon never said it had to be 50/50 or that the work load of the SO didn't factor in.
She said that it's not okay for one person to do all the baby work 24/7 and the other do none when they are there, in the home, and capable of helping. It is not sustainable to operate on an hour or two of sleep for days. Caring for a newborn is work. It may not be out of the home and there isn't a paycheck, but saying mom should do it all cause dad has to work? Not okay.
I'm glad you've found a balance that works for you, but clearly these other posters haven't.
You're correct. She did not say that the distribution of work needs to be equal. She specifically said that "it does not have to be 50/50" I should have been clearer in my response. I simply meant to say that the reason that I originally mentioned that I was "torn because my husband works so many hours" is because my husband's workload is a factor in determining how often I ask him to help out. I should have been clearer and I apologize. I was not trying to attack anyone or mischaracterize what others were saying.
As for my relationship, I do not claim to have found balance. The division of labor in my relationship remains a complicated issue- I am always trying to balance asserting my own needs while trying to be empathetic to the pressure that DH faces in his life. Sadly, my husband and I are one of the couples who are struggling in this respect and I do need to stand up for myself more often.
— The Doctor, Season 3, Episode 6