Venting my thoughts

littlemurphy2912 · March 2014

So ever since I became a mommy over 19 months ago when I gave birth to my DD my life has changed so much and challenged me in so many ways I never thought possible. It is one of the scariest yet most rewarding experiences I have ever been given/encountered and wouldn't change it for anything but I would change certain things that I, her mommy, did along the way for her. I'm starting to really think I may be the only person out there that feels the way I do about being a mom even though I love my DD to death and couldn't imagine my life without her. I have felt that ever since she was born that I have made so many mistakes with her and wasn't educated properly on how to do this the right way or how to not do this because it could lead to this in the future. I know that comes with being a first time mom but I am the type of person and have been most of my whole life that I second guess the choices that I make for myself or for anyone else. I always look at my family and friends and see how confident and positive they are in the decisions they make for their kids and I try to take a little bit of that and apply it to my life but I always end up second guessing how I do things and wonder if I should do things their way or not considering how well their kids developed or how they respond to their kids actions, needs, wants, etc. I know if you asked my family or my in-laws they would tell you that my DD is a very good kid and we do really well with her. That does help to hear that and it makes me smile but there is always something in the back of my mind saying "should I really be doing this with her?" I know all kids are different and all parenting techniques are different as well. I remind myself of that all the time but when I look at my child and see how far she has come in life and know that she is healthy and doing just great I wonder why I keep thinking of the imperfections that she has that I possibly caused her to have and now I can't go back and fix/change them so that I know she is just the same as every other kid and those differences don't exist. I honestly feel like in certain ways I have screwed up my child and I question if I am really a good mother and what would become of me if my DH and I were to add another one to the mix. Would I be more of a hovering crazy mom and not leave my second child's side and know exactly what is or what isn't wrong with it and not second guess the way I am being with it with how I was with it's older sister? Am I just being crazy or overthinking this? Just wanted to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading. Sorry this is long!

fanofanne · March 2014

honestly i have debated writing something similar to this, but never mustered up the courage. you are not the only one who feels this way...this is EXACTLY how i feel -- everyday. when i see my kids (b/g twins, two at the end of this month) there is a twinge of sadness b/c i think about how much i've "messed" them up. i think about what i could have done differently, i think about how the decisions i've made could potentially harm them in the future. there are even times when i feel guilty over how my kids got stuck with me for a mother. but i think i know where my anxiety comes from -- i had a very traumatic late-term miscarriage with my first pregnancy (26 weeks) so i am always fearful, and it really sucks. i am hesitant to bring up this topic with my friends b/c like you said, they seem so confident and sure of what they're doing. however, one friend did open up to me not too long ago, and we kind of had a heart to heart. i think there are moms out there who feel as we do, they might just have a better poker face. there are times when i feel the anxiety and stress and sadness are too much to bear, and i am in the process of getting some help. i do try and focus on the positives: they are healthy, happy, spoiled and coddled and loved very much.

i just wanted to reach out and say that you are not alone, you are not crazy.

hugs.

littlemurphy2912 · March 2014

Thanks so much for reaching out! I'm glad I am not the only one and that there are two of us (that I know of). I am sorry to hear about your miscarriage and to hear the sadness and fear in yourself from dealing with that. I don't know what that is like and I can't imagine what it's like either. I just hope this discussion doesn't make me look like an "unfit" mom or someone that shouldn't have kids. I LOVE kids and always have ever since I was little and have heard people say I am very good with kids. It's just having my own is a whole different ball park and really scary sometimes in my mind but I try my best and pray about it and just keep going day by day with it and love her unconditionally.

Myaflowers · March 2014

You are definitely not alone! I worry constantly that I'm not doing things the "right" way and that I'm permanently messing up DD. For example, if I let DD just play with her toys for a few minutes while I relax, I worry that I'm not giving her enough attention and she will grow up feeling unloved or insecure. If I don't work with her "enough" on learning words, I worry that she won't be smart or won't do well in school. I could go on and on. I try to remind myself that no parent is perfect and that DD seems happy and seems to feel secure. I don't have any advice but wanted to chime in so you'd know you aren't alone!

Myaflowers · March 2014

Also, I thought I'd throw in that I'm a child therapist, so seeing children with so many problems adds a whole new level to my worries. I try to remind myself that as long as DD feels loved, that's all that matters.

littlemurphy2912 · March 2014

Thank you for letting me know now there are 2 others besides just myself that feel this way. That is really interesting that you're a child therapist! Thanks for sharing.

fanofanne · March 2014

littlemurphy2912 said:

Thanks so much for reaching out! I'm glad I am not the only one and that there are two of us (that I know of). I am sorry to hear about your miscarriage and to hear the sadness and fear in yourself from dealing with that. I don't know what that is like and I can't imagine what it's like either. I just hope this discussion doesn't make me look like an "unfit" mom or someone that shouldn't have kids. I LOVE kids and always have ever since I was little and have heard people say I am very good with kids. It's just having my own is a whole different ball park and really scary sometimes in my mind but I try my best and pray about it and just keep going day by day with it and love her unconditionally.

you don't come off as "unfit" at all! i agree, having your own kids is truly a different ball game...the responsibility and pressure is scary to me too.

i also pray about it, because i know that motherhood shouldn't be so laden with guilt and sadness...

my husband always says to not worry about what could be, b/c then today will just slip by. i try to remember that, but sometimes it's hard.

MommyAtty · March 2014

Here are two things I've learned over the last 20 months: 1. If I'm ever certain of anything, it's that I will never be certain of anything again, and 2. I have far less power and control than I ever imagined. Your child isn't perfect. You aren't perfect. Your DH isn't perfect. And that's more than just okay. How sucky would it be to go through life having to live up to perfection as your standard? If your LO is healthy and relatively happy, count your blessings and take credit for it. Hugs.

dufferoo · March 2014

My two-cents: as long as you're not physically/emotionally abusive (which I'm sure you're not!), just think of any "screwups" on your part as character-building for your children! "Imperfections" are what make life beautiful

LSU628 · March 2014

I think the fact that you are worrying about it tells me that you are not an unfit mother. If you didn't care what your kid was doing, weren't trying to teach them, didn't question if you were doing the best job possible for your LO then others might question if you were a questionable mother. Sounds like you are doing the best you can. Parenting is HARD and even though this is my second time around as a mom, I still question my choices and experience mommy guilt.

tig594 · March 2014

I'm not sure how you can screw up a 19 month old to the point you'd have to worry about it like you seem to. Try to enjoy your child and stop worrying so much. They grow too fast for you to second guess every choice you make. I am sure you know right from wrong and good from bad. If you make a choice that is really bad I am sure the warning signs in your brain will be so loud it will freeze you in your tracks. Try to relax and go do something fun with your baby.

littlemurphy2912 · March 2014

Some examples of things that have stuck with me that I've done over the year and a half with my DD is things like: -I only breastfed for 6 weeks and then stopped because I didn't understand breastfeeding and didn't get much education on it other than what my mom and aunt told me and I felt guilty putting her on formula. I've read and researched lots of things about breastfeeding and just sit there and think I should have done it for much longer because it's the best thing for her and I didn't know what I was doing. -I didn't really understand her crying signals she would give me when she was little and so many family and friends around me were telling me it's this and that and I needed to do this or that with her and then when I took her to the doctor they would tell me the opposite and it was just overwhelming for me as a first time mom -most moms always hold their babies close to them as that is what babies like/want the first part of their life is to be held and doing skin to skin and not leave their mom but I didn't do a whole lot of that with mine just because so many family and friends wanted to hold her and she was fine with others holding her. -we put her in daycare and after 2 days of being there she got her first cold and since then has always gotten some sort of illness, disease, etc. I feel awful about it but I am happy that I am able to provide for my family and her and she has prospered and grown so much being there. -when she started getting sick from attending daycare, my DH and I would put her in a bouncy chair for her to sleep in so that she was elevated because she didn't sleep well in her crib and wasn't happy. Putting her in that bouncy chair for so long flattened the back of her head a bit and we had to go to two different specialist to check her head shape out to see if she would need a helmet and our second opinion said she didn't need one but if you felt her head you can tell how bumpy and flattened the back of her head is. -she tends to get into trouble at home and doesn't want to listen sometimes and my DH and I are trying to figure out the best disciplining methods for her and what few things she will be disciplined for without us thinking twice about it and I question if the way we are doing it is the right way. She know right away if we tell her to do whatever for her punishment she will do it and she will cry about it so she knows she's introuble for it. I just hope we are doing the right thing for her. It's very hard and as much as people tell you, you can't screw up a child I feel like I could have.

hay1122 · March 2014

You make the best decisions given the information you have at the time. Looking back and reflecting is good for giving you more information for the next time you encounter that situation. Regarding the breastfeeding, you need to give yourself some credit for making it to 6 weeks. That's fantastic! Now when you have your second baby, you have more information about what it really means to feed a baby and maybe you can go longer if you want.

Kids are very resilient. We don't give them enough credit for how independent they can be sometimes. The experiences you have these first 2 years are just the beginning of your lives together. Try just taking a step back and watching her as she plays or interacts with kids. You don't have to teach her every little thing. They figure things out and make their own experiences. It's remarkable.

EandIMommy86 · March 2014

littlemurphy2912 said:

Some examples of things that have stuck with me that I've done over the year and a half with my DD is things like: -I only breastfed for 6 weeks and then stopped because I didn't understand breastfeeding and didn't get much education on it other than what my mom and aunt told me and I felt guilty putting her on formula. This is very common with mothers. I was in the same boat as you. That is not a mistake, that is doing what you could and since it did not work out, you found the best alternative. There is nothing wrong with formula feeding. The important thing is that your baby is being fed and is thriving. I've read and researched lots of things about breastfeeding and just sit there and think I should have done it for much longer because it's the best thing for her and I didn't know what I was doing. -I didn't really understand her crying signals she would give me when she was little and so many family and friends around me were telling me it's this and that and I needed to do this or that with her and then when I took her to the doctor they would tell me the opposite and it was just overwhelming for me as a first time mom This also normal. With any child, you have to learn their language. Most if not all FTM's have to deal with understanding what their baby wants. Sometimes after you have tried everything they will STILL cry. It has nothing to do with failure or not understanding on your part. Every child is different, so it can be difficult to listen to what someone else says about YOUR child that you know best. -most moms always hold their babies close to them as that is what babies like/want the first part of their life is to be held and doing skin to skin and not leave their mom but I didn't do a whole lot of that with mine just because so many family and friends wanted to hold her and she was fine with others holding her It is important to expose your child to other people besides you. Yes that skin to skin contact snuggles and bonding is important, but your child should be around others besides just you. There is nothing wrong with allowing others to hold her. -we put her in daycare and after 2 days of being there she got her first cold and since then has always gotten some sort of illness, disease, etc. I feel awful about it but I am happy that I am able to provide for my family and her and she has prospered and grown so much being there. She has grown and is thriving, so you did nothing wrong there. Lots of people put their baby in daycare when they are very small. Getting sick and such is all part of it. She is around other babies with different immune systems who are going to have coughs, colds, etc. This is also normal. -when she started getting sick from attending daycare, my DH and I would put her in a bouncy chair for her to sleep in so that she was elevated because she didn't sleep well in her crib and wasn't happy. Putting her in that bouncy chair for so long flattened the back of her head a bit and we had to go to two different specialist to check her head shape out to see if she would need a helmet and our second opinion said she didn't need one but if you felt her head you can tell how bumpy and flattened the back of her head is. -she tends to get into trouble at home and doesn't want to listen sometimes and my DH and I are trying to figure out the best disciplining methods for her and what few things she will be disciplined for without us thinking twice about it and I question if the way we are doing it is the right way. She know right away if we tell her to do whatever for her punishment she will do it and she will cry about it so she knows she's introuble for it. I just hope we are doing the right thing for her. It's very hard and as much as people tell you, you can't screw up a child I feel like I could have. Again you are using trial and error that all parents have to do at some point. When it comes to discipline, every child is different, you just need to figure out what works best for yours.

Overall, I do not see what you are doing "wrong" or how you have somehow not done what you are suppose to do. What you are going through is totally normal. I personally have been through all of the things you have mentioned with the exception of daycare bc I am a SAHM. I would say you are on the right track. It can be hard because parenting does not come with an instruction manual and every child is not the same. Hang in there! You are doing what you think is best!!!

Tapthathank · March 2014

@littlemurphy2912 Hugs!! Parenting is HARD!! Try to remember that you made the best decisions that you could with the information that you had at hand. I think it is completely normal to feel guilt from stopping breastfeeding if that's how you had planned on feeding your baby. Daycare guilt is also normal!! Kids get sick at daycare...it's just the way it is. The first year my DS was in daycare, he had a cold pretty much that whole winter. I try to look at it this way: he is building his immunities for later in life. This winter, he has had 2 colds which is a huge improvement! When he gets to school, *hopefully* he won't be sick as much as other kids!

Some babies get flat heads....at the time, you did what you had to do - she needed sleep to get better and you guys needed sleep to parent! Everyone has a bumpy head.

At this age toddlers are testing their limits. I struggle with what to "punish" and what to let go. At this point, I am just picking my battles. Usually if I ignore it and try to distract him with something else, I can get him to stop doing whatever it is that I didn't want him to do.

You haven't screwed her up. You are doing a great job!!

littlemurphy2912 · March 2014

THANK YOU ALL!!! Hearing and seeing all of this really helps and makes me realize that maybe I am being too hard on myself about it and that I will be more prepared (hopefully) for baby number 2 when it comes around. Like I say I second guess myself a lot and always have throughout my life. I need to remind myself of the saying "it takes a village to raise a child" or at least that's what I have heard. I guess I just hope I am being a good mom to her and hope I always will be and take the time to try and understand her and what she needs since I didn't fully when she was a baby and was having tons of people telling me what to do and I wasn't just going on my own instinct.

littlemurphy2912 · March 2014

Nicb13 said:

I'll admit, I'm confused as to what you are asking. Do you think you've screwed up this kid and you're afraid to have another in case you do it again?

Sorry I confused you. Sometimes I don't have the best way of explaining things no matter how many times I try to talk it out in my head and then try to explain it to people. I just think I haven't been a good mother to my DD by some of the choices I have made for her since she was born. Thinking of that makes me question my mothering abilities it makes me think if I would be the same way with baby #2 or not. I'm sure that we will try for another baby by the time my DD is 2 but from the past experiences I had with DD and some of the choices I made for her I wonder if they were the best for her. I'm basically just overthinking things from the past probably and wondering if I should have done something differently then but I can't go back and change it now.

littlemurphy2912 · March 2014

You all are right. I need to stop worrying and thinking about the past when I can't do anything about what happened in the past right now and just concentrate on today and the future. I probably should go see a therapist but I'm not sure how to go about that or what kind of costs that would entail. It does help me a lot to talk to other moms out there and to see what they say or think about I'm dealing with so that helps me feel better about things.

So thanks again to everyone for their awesome words of wisdom and insight! It's helped and I am not going to focus negatively on what I did in the past and rather just know what I can do the next time around to make things better for myself and for the second baby!

MommyAtty · March 2014

I'm super-preggo with #2 (32 weeks), and you haven't done anything differently than I have. I BF'ed for about 2 weeks, wasn't producing anything, and switched to formula. A huge study recently came out that says the benefits of breastfeeding have been phenomenally overblown. This researcher studied siblings where one had been breast-fed and the other formula-fed. No difference in health or allergies or IQ or social development or anything. Only difference was breast-fed babies were slightly more likely to have asthma. (Yes, MORE, that wasn't a typo.). Frankly, after a ton of thought and discussion, we are going straight to formula this time. And DD was a world champ sleeper. On her back. And my in laws didn't like to make her do tummy time (they are our day care), so her head is a teeny bit flat. It used to be freakishly flat but is rounding out. Her ped says it'll round out just about completely by the time she's 3-4. I think you are doing fine.

littlemurphy2912 · March 2014

Aww well thank you for that post. I'm starting to feel much better about what I have done as a mother for my daughter in the past and am happy to hear that everyone thinks I have done just fine! You all rock!

traveltheworld · March 2014

If your daughter is happy and healthy, that's all that matters. We all make mistakes along the way - and besides, you could start with the best intentions and things could still not turn out the way you would like. A few examples - my DS had a flat spot on his head. We went to see specialists, did all the exercises, and I carried him all the time and went and moved his head every 3 hours at night. You know what - he still has a flat spot! I breast-fed DS for a year, he has severe food allergies (even though our extended family has no history of this). We sent him to DC, he had diarrhea for 5 weeks and dropped from the 40th percentile down to the 10th - but we had no choice as we needed to work and I couldn't find a nanny that quickly. He has since recovered and is generally healthy.

Are there things I would have done differently? For sure! But I think that is true for every parent. You can't control everything. You do the best you can with the resources you have at the time. And I genuinely believe that as long as your child feels well-loved, as I'm sure your's do, judging by your post, your child will be fine in the end! A few bumps and bruises along the way won't damage her in any lasting manner.

littlemurphy2912 · March 2014

That's very true! I'm glad to hear my kid isn't the only one with a flat spot even though you can't tell with her hair covering it up well. I just hope with it that it doesn't screw up her jaw alignment with it.

mysticl · March 2014

Honestly, I just kind of skimmed this because it's almost time to put DS down for his nap. Worrying that you are screwing up your child is perfectly normal. Not doing every single thing right is perfectly normal. At DS 18 month appointment he wasn't doing everything he was supposed to be able to do. Why? Because I didn't know we were supposed to be working on those specific things. He can do lots of other things they didn't ask about. My comment to a friend was if they told me what they expected him to be able to do at each visit then I would work on those things. Interestingly her kid's doctor asked different questions at the 18 month visit.

I'm a social worker. I used to work in foster care. So I have seen bad parents. I have seen the worst parents. If you are worried that you are a bad parent then there is a pretty good chance you aren't one.

One last thought is that all those really confident parents are probably faking it so no one realizes they don't have it all together.

littlemurphy2912 · March 2014

I tend to feel that like at bedtime with her now I rock her to sleep and then when she seems like she's almost completely out I lay her in bed and she moves around some and gets comfy and goes to sleep. Not sure if her eyes are open or not but before doing that i normally would lay her down after rocking her and singing to her and she would talk herself to sleep or sometimes cry and throw fits. Now with me putting her to bed differently than how I used to gonna cause her to not put herself to sleep without having problems when maybe I should just be lying her in her bed and let her just go to sleep on her own instead? Something like this makes me wonder if this will cause for future bed time problems with going to sleep or bed.

mhickey426 · March 2014

I think it is only natural to feel this way. It is a scary important job we have as parents. I think it is important to go with your gut and always show your child that you love them and will be there for them. Even the greatest parent makes mistakes now and then.

I am a high school guidance counselor. The kids that are the most "screwed up" are the ones with parents who want to be their friend. They can do whatever they want without any consequences. The parent might "threaten" punishment, like taking away their phone or something like that but never follow thru. These parents blame the teacher if their child is failing and think that the child and themselves are perfect. The other cases are parents who are never around and the child doesn't feel loved. It is really sad. Just remember to be a parent and not a friend and to always let them know you love them.

littlemurphy2912 · March 2014

Nicb13 said:

littlemurphy2912 said:

That's very true! I'm glad to hear my kid isn't the only one with a flat spot even though you can't tell with her hair covering it up well. I just hope with it that it doesn't screw up her jaw alignment with it.

SEE! There you go worrying! I'm sure her jaw will be just fine! You cannot worry about stuff like that because there's nothing you can do about it. It's getting you no where
Try to make a list of all the great things you've done as a parent and all the good times you have with your child. Then keep looking at that list and maybe you'll realize that you are pretty damn good mom.

You're exactly right! All I am doing is worrying and overthinking things when I need to realize I am not perfect and neither is my child. She is happy, healthy, and very smart, and makes my DH and I proud to call her ours! We have had some ups and downs with her and maybe not made the best choices based on our first gut instinct but she's pulled through everything just fine and is very happy and that is all that matters. We are just making sure that we raise her to be a healthy, humble, obedient, smart, and a happy kid and I think we are well on our way to doing that. Thanks for getting on me again about how I am thinking! It helps and I need a swift kick in the pants to realize that I am doing just fine as a mother and to STOP WORRYING!

littlemurphy2912 · March 2014

mhickey426 said:

I think it is only natural to feel this way. It is a scary important job we have as parents. I think it is important to go with your gut and always show your child that you love them and will be there for them. Even the greatest parent makes mistakes now and then.

I am a high school guidance counselor. The kids that are the most "screwed up" are the ones with parents who want to be their friend. They can do whatever they want without any consequences. The parent might "threaten" punishment, like taking away their phone or something like that but never follow thru. These parents blame the teacher if their child is failing and think that the child and themselves are perfect. The other cases are parents who are never around and the child doesn't feel loved. It is really sad. Just remember to be a parent and not a friend and to always let them know you love them.

Thank you for responding with that message. You're right there are all different types of kids out there that are far worse behavior wise than my DD. Thanks for that message because I took that to heart and will try to keep that with me and remind myself that I need to make sure she's gonna behave the way we are raising her to in the public eye and more so when she is on her own at school and such. :-)

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