Not-So-DH (vent)

desertmouse39 · March 2014

I will preface this by saying that I'm sure there is a large hormonal component to my frustration and feelings, but my husband has been a real self-centered shit lately and I came into work and just sat down and cried this morning! I am 39 weeks today, 2nd pregnancy, HUGE and chronically uncomfortable. I got slammed with a terrible case of allergies this past weekend too, so on top of everything else, I can't breath and my eyes are all puffy. I'm not sleeping much, can't eat very well, and I look like hell, but I get up and take care of our 21 month old and come to work every day, and try to do as many house chores as I can once I get home.

I will mention, at least once every day or too, how much more difficult this pregnancy has been than my first, how exhausted I am, how much discomfort I am trying to manage - but DH has not once, in at least several months, said anything like, "How are you feeling, can I get you something? Why don't you take it easy and let me do all this." Or, "Gee that must be awful to get allergies now! Can I get you anything?" or god forbid, "Why don't you go get a massage this weekend?" He complains about his stress level, his lack of sleep (which is apparently my fault because I have been snoring and raised the bed a bit to alleviate heartburn) and how bad his allergies are. His mother, with whom I have some difficulties, arrives tomorrow and is staying with us until the new baby arrives (based on my experience with both grandmothers 2 years ago I am insisting on NO ONE staying with us once I'm home with the baby). This is also stressing me out to no end, because, like her son, she is very good at taking care of herself and getting her needs met, but not so keen on what others may need and will often steamroll right over you in order to do what she wants. Each time she stays with us, which tends to be every 2 months or so, she rearranges everything in my daughter's room in a way that she thinks is "better". She buys tons of food, in large quantities, of things that we don't eat so she can cook for us (?) but rarely will touch anything that I've prepared. Anyways, this is a vent about my husband not my MIL - I digress.

I have no girlfriends here - we moved to a different state so my husband could follow a start up business dream (which has sort of fallen flat) and we intend to move again in the coming year, but I am so missing a support system and wish my husband could be a better partner to me. I am so ready to have this baby but feel completely physically compromised right now and imagine that labor will be that much more difficult if I go into it under-rested, malnourished and totally congested! Huge pity party this morning, I know. It sucks wishing someone would behave differently and knowing that you can't make them.

Brich3321 · March 2014

Sorry that you don't have a support system there and the DH is being a boob. So many men tend to put themselves first, it's very hard to deal with especially when all you want is for them to give just a little. **hugs** and good luck with everything!

lazyreader · March 2014

Maybe you should tell him what you're looking for from him (and be able to reciprocate) m. Not look for a girlfriend to vent to. Because chances are... he can't read minds.

mrsdahamm · March 2014

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I hope you get some good rest soon. Maybe you can talk mil into helping around the house? I don't have a mil but my mom loves to do things around our house when she stays with us.

**hugs**

WoodShopGirl · March 2014

I was thinking along the line of @Kacie

MH is great, but sometimes clueless that me complaining is me looking for sympathy/empathy.

Have you told YH what you need from him? Or are you just complaining?

You may want to say something like, "I am really feeling XYZ and I would really appreciate it if you were supportive by doing/saying ABC".

ErinE683 · March 2014

I agree with others-- sometimes guys are such dummies about picking up on things. My husband is very considerate, but I still have to very specifically tell him what I want or need at times.

You can try to craft your conversation with him in a way that shows you care about his stress and discomfort, too. "I know you're working so hard right now, and I appreciate you... blah, blah... but I need some extra support from you right now." Then be specific-- tell him you need him to put the LO to bed, do the dishes, whatever it may be. Same with MIL. Stroke their egos, but then be specific with your requests for help.

Good luck!

Pinecone21 · March 2014

I agree with telling him what you want. It sounds like he is just mirroring your complaining back to you. If you can complain about how much your life sucks, why can't he? He doesn't understand that you're asking for help. Or maybe you two just need some time to reconnect. Can your MIL watch your daughter so you can have a date night before the baby comes?

mevensen · March 2014

I went through this with DH towards the end. Every pain that I had he had worse. Finally we had a chat and I just flat out told him that I needed some level of sympathy from him. I understood that his back hurt and he was tired, but I was pregnant and in my opinion that trumped his pain at the moment. He felt bad and didn't realize that he was even doing it. He was so much better after we had that conversation. It's totally worth it to bring it to his attention.

kimberpoo · March 2014

I totally agree with PP's - communication is key. ask him outright to do specific things.

Sorry you have to deal, and sorry you have to put up with MIL!!!!! having a houseguest like that at 39 weeks must suck. Vent away!!

AnonymousMotherOfOne · March 2014

Some guys just need you to really be blunt with them about how you feel, and what you need, OP. Sounds like YH is one of those guys. The MIL, however, I totally understand. That sounds like WAY too much stress on top of what you're feeling with YH; I'd try to air out what's going on with him before she gets there, so you can tackle one thing at a time. Maybe take a little breather and treat yourself when you have a minute, even if it's just a glass of your favorite tea or something when your toddler is napping. It makes a huge difference when you take a second here and there to just breathe. ::hugs:: Have faith that it will all work out in the end.

teaforthree · March 2014

I agree with all PPs. I would love for my DH to just do certain things because he knows it would make me happy, but more often than not I have to ask. I learned early that he can't read my mind and that most of the time his perspective on a situation is so different than mine. The other day we had a small argument and halfway through trying to sort it out, we realized we were arguing about different things! I've just learned I have to be really direct with him (and sometimes I still slip up). I hope you are able to talk to your H and have him understand where you are coming from. Good luck!

megs68 · March 2014

I'm sorry you're going through this. I am too and want to murder my husband. This entire pregnancy he's been completely ignorant and frustrating, not sympathizing at all and thinks I'm picking a fight if I tell him this. So I understand. I think after the first baby, they totally take it for granted and the shine and excitement of pregnancy wears off for them. I dealt with it but now that I'm 39 weeks and sick too and feeling emotional, I laid into him today about it and got the same reaction. No advice obviously, just know you're not alone. I was so angry last night, I was tempted to tell him I didn't want him in the delivery room. Overreacting obviously, but that is how irritated and hurt I am too.

desertmouse39 · March 2014

Thank you for hearing me, I had to put it somewhere. I am not of the belief that he can "read my mind", (although I do agree that I wish sometimes he would see a need and respond to it - sort of like romantic gestures, same as pregnancy situation - i want you to do it because you want to , not because I asked you to!) and I really don't feel like I just sit around "complaining"... I am busting my butt to take care of our toddler, go to work every day and keep up with the house chores while also taking care of my pregnancy. We have had multiple conversations in which I ask directly for what I need and his response is often along the lines of, "I feel like I'm already doing a lot". I don't want to go into all the dynamics of my relationship, but I do talk directly to my husband and tell him what I need, and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. Since my 5th month, DH has come down with a series of illnesses (some real, some imagined, including: strep throat, allergic reaction to antibiotics, a chest cold, a stomach virus, a hernia, hernia surgery, possible arthritis in his hands, perhaps a broken foot, and chronic insomnia, all of which required him to stay in bed and be cared for, by me. He was only willing to see a doctor for the hernia and the strep).

@megs68, I think you are right that after the first baby he's just like, oh whatever, you can do this again, it's just another 9 months of pregnancy! And @pinecone21, I'm not "complaining about how much my life sucks" to DH or anyone else. I am frustrated with how difficult the last trimester has been and how limited my partner seems to be in being able to support me, emotionally or physically. I have, and continue to, support him through lots of things that are stressful for him and/or difficult for our family, with kind words, making him special meals, encouraging him to spend time with his friends and relax...

Pinecone21 · March 2014

I'm sorry, I wasn't intending for you to feel ganged up on. I can only respond to what was in the OP. A lot of times, we mirror our partner in conversations. I tend to be more positive with positive people, and more negative with negative people. From your post, it sounded like you two are in a cycle of mirroring. Maybe try only saying positive things for a day and see how he responds?

Take or leave my advice. I'm just an Internet stranger.

desertmouse39 · March 2014

Pinecone21 said:

I'm sorry, I wasn't intending for you to feel ganged up on. I can only respond to what was in the OP. A lot of times, we mirror our partner in conversations. I tend to be more positive with positive people, and more negative with negative people. From your post, it sounded like you two are in a cycle of mirroring. Maybe try only saying positive things for a day and see how he responds? Take or leave my advice. I'm just an Internet stranger.

well, i appreciate your clarification. i did feel a little bit ganged up on, but that is most likely also due to a lot of my CRAZY HORMONES which are surging, and I can only hope that it means labor is coming! You are correct that we can get into cycles with our partners, and not always healthy, nurturing ones.

WoodShopGirl · March 2014

desertmouse39 said:

well, i appreciate your clarification. i did feel a little bit ganged up on, but that is most likely also due to a lot of my CRAZY HORMONES which are surging, and I can only hope that it means labor is coming! You are correct that we can get into cycles with our partners, and not always healthy, nurturing ones.

OK, so this is making me a little stabby and I am going to have to (mildly) flame you.

You posted a vent about how YH is not being supportive to your constant complaining and the ladies came back with good constructive criticism.

Then you got defensive saying you are doing so much while he has not been helping. In addition he has had surgery during this time frame.

I am sorry, but we are all doing a lot here. I am also still working full time (60+ hours a week), keeping a house up and helping with remodeling. There are many ladies on here also doing the same, and with young children as well. Yet, if and when we do vent, we take the advice and step back from the situation to see others comments and take them into consideration rather than get defensive and blame it on hormones.

If you are going to post something like this, be ready (and hopefully open) to the responses.

WoodShopGirl · March 2014

desertmouse39 said:

I will preface this by saying that I'm sure there is a large hormonal component to my frustration and feelings, but my husband has been a real self-centered shit lately and I came into work and just sat down and cried this morning! I am 39 weeks today, 2nd pregnancy, HUGE and chronically uncomfortable. I got slammed with a terrible case of allergies this past weekend too, so on top of everything else, I can't breath and my eyes are all puffy. I'm not sleeping much, can't eat very well, and I look like hell, but I get up and take care of our 21 month old and come to work every day, and try to do as many house chores as I can once I get home.

I will mention, at least once every day or too, how much more difficult this pregnancy has been than my first, how exhausted I am, how much discomfort I am trying to manage - but DH has not once, in at least several months, said anything like, "How are you feeling, can I get you something? Why don't you take it easy and let me do all this." Or, "Gee that must be awful to get allergies now! Can I get you anything?" or god forbid, "Why don't you go get a massage this weekend?" He complains about his stress level, his lack of sleep (which is apparently my fault because I have been snoring and raised the bed a bit to alleviate heartburn) and how bad his allergies are. His mother, with whom I have some difficulties, arrives tomorrow and is staying with us until the new baby arrives (based on my experience with both grandmothers 2 years ago I am insisting on NO ONE staying with us once I'm home with the baby). This is also stressing me out to no end, because, like her son, she is very good at taking care of herself and getting her needs met, but not so keen on what others may need and will often steamroll right over you in order to do what she wants. Each time she stays with us, which tends to be every 2 months or so, she rearranges everything in my daughter's room in a way that she thinks is "better". She buys tons of food, in large quantities, of things that we don't eat so she can cook for us (?) but rarely will touch anything that I've prepared. Anyways, this is a vent about my husband not my MIL - I digress.

I have no girlfriends here - we moved to a different state so my husband could follow a start up business dream (which has sort of fallen flat) and we intend to move again in the coming year, but I am so missing a support system and wish my husband could be a better partner to me. I am so ready to have this baby but feel completely physically compromised right now and imagine that labor will be that much more difficult if I go into it under-rested, malnourished and totally congested! Huge pity party this morning, I know. It sucks wishing someone would behave differently and knowing that you can't make them.

QFP

WoodShopGirl · March 2014

desertmouse39 said:

Thank you for hearing me, I had to put it somewhere. I am not of the belief that he can "read my mind", (although I do agree that I wish sometimes he would see a need and respond to it - sort of like romantic gestures, same as pregnancy situation - i want you to do it because you want to , not because I asked you to!) and I really don't feel like I just sit around "complaining"... I am busting my butt to take care of our toddler, go to work every day and keep up with the house chores while also taking care of my pregnancy. We have had multiple conversations in which I ask directly for what I need and his response is often along the lines of, "I feel like I'm already doing a lot". I don't want to go into all the dynamics of my relationship, but I do talk directly to my husband and tell him what I need, and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. Since my 5th month, DH has come down with a series of illnesses (some real, some imagined, including: strep throat, allergic reaction to antibiotics, a chest cold, a stomach virus, a hernia, hernia surgery, possible arthritis in his hands, perhaps a broken foot, and chronic insomnia, all of which required him to stay in bed and be cared for, by me. He was only willing to see a doctor for the hernia and the strep).

@megs68, I think you are right that after the first baby he's just like, oh whatever, you can do this again, it's just another 9 months of pregnancy! And @pinecone21, I'm not "complaining about how much my life sucks" to DH or anyone else. I am frustrated with how difficult the last trimester has been and how limited my partner seems to be in being able to support me, emotionally or physically. I have, and continue to, support him through lots of things that are stressful for him and/or difficult for our family, with kind words, making him special meals, encouraging him to spend time with his friends and relax...

QFP

desertmouse39 · March 2014

Thanks, WoodShopGirl - What else can I really say? I don't know what QFP stands for, but posting it multiple times really drove home your point and I can see I have a lot to learn from others who have their shit way more together than I do, obviously. I'm not only a bitchy complainer who is aware of the hormone effects on my emotions, but I made the terrible mistake of posting about my frustrations on a support board for pregnant women.

I have been on TB through 2 pregnancies now and have asked for, received and given a lot of constructive, helpful, advise and perspective on lots of different things. Snarky, flamey and / or just plain critical responses towards someone who is saying that they are having a hard time or are struggling today - what's the point? Sigh.

I do appreciate those of you who sent hugs and a little bit of empathy. That's all I really needed.

WoodShopGirl · March 2014

QFP = quoted for posterity and is in no way a dig. You're welcome.

And the rest are your words, not mine.

Am I close to Bingo?

Edit: Because if I think hard I do know the difference between your and you're.

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