Coping with pregnancy stress & refocusing on happiness and excitement about baby: what works for you

wtfisup · March 2014

I can't be the only one dealing with this: my natural state is to organize, plan, control. And I can only do so much of that with this process. When you find yourself overwhelmed and focusing on task lists, Googling baby risks, and so on, how do you refocus your attention toward being happy about the baby or excited for what's to come? What thoughts or images help?

wtfisup · March 2014

So, some background on me: I was in my therapy appt the other day and stated that pregnancy overall was going fine. No horrible symptoms, relatively easy. My therapist then said, "Are you enjoying it, then?" I stalled.

The answer was, "No." But I'm not miserable or anything. It's just really hard for me to get to that place. I'm so busy making spreadsheets and lists and strategizing and budget adjusting and researching and Googling baby questions. I exhaust myself with that, then there's not much space/energy left for just enjoying that we'll have this wonderful baby in a few months.

We all know that "stop doing that" doesn't really work for thought processes. So I know the key to dealing with this kind of stress is to acknowledge, allow, redirect.

I do tend to imagine my husband and I meeting our daughter for the first time and how wonderful that will be, and that helps. It seems like I can only get into that headspace in the mornings or when walking, though.

mrscbrad · March 2014

I feel like we are cut from the same cloth! It serves me well professionally but in pregnancy can be so difficult! I often find myself baffled by the women who just have such laissez-faire attitudes about this. For me the only things that really help are focusing on what I can do today, whether that's making sure I've eaten enough protein today or whatever and laying on the couch every night feeling him kick. Now, that can bring it's own set of neurotic questions when my kick counts are low but in general just knowing that he's there helps.

flojo973 · March 2014

@wtfisup - have you tried yoga and/or exercise? I find that really helps me when I start to get overwhelmed and it sounds like you said walking helps. Whenever I get too stressed I try to take some time for myself and either do a little yoga or listen to the joyful pregnancy affirmations CD from Hypnobabies which is super calming.

wtfisup · March 2014

flojo973 said:

@wtfisup - have you tried yoga and/or exercise? I find that really helps me when I start to get overwhelmed and it sounds like you said walking helps. Whenever I get too stressed I try to take some time for myself and either do a little yoga or listen to the joyful pregnancy affirmations CD from Hypnobabies which is super calming.

Exercise is great, but for me it's often an issue of mental redirection. I.e. I lean more toward task management.

tbmadeamistake · March 2014

Bubble baths. With or without C. A small glass of wine, just the ritual of sipping makes it easier to relax. If you don't want to drink, some fruit juice and seltzer in a wine glass is almost as good if you drink it the way you would wine. Taking some time to read a book that is NOT baby related, something fun. Playing a game with DH (we have a lot of board games). Something that will take my mind off of it for a while, and then it's a nice surprise when I get a kick in the ribs and remember that there's this tiny person waiting to join our current happy family.

flojo973 · March 2014

Also, looking at the little baby clothes hanging in her closet always makes me smile. And the image of her sleeping on DH's chest (or any image of her with DH) because he is so excited

FeliciaTwo · March 2014

wtfisupmrscbrad : I'm also a very organized person who can easily get wrapped up in anxiety. So I'm not sure I'm a good source for tips! Although I will say that I *am* enjoying the pregnancy at this point. I was luckily able to arrange my job so that the many big projects are all nearly over, so my work stress will decrease drastically in about a week. I can tell that helps a lot.

I also have been doing *nightly* yoga (for 15-30 minutes) since the very beginning of the pregnancy, which I think has been very helpful for me. I personally find meditative yoga easier to stick to than meditation, perhaps b/c it feels so unnatural and unpleasant for me to sit still.

I also have recently limited the amount of time I allow myself to google risks or baby products. I don't need to spend that much time on it, and *limiting* my time helps me feel like I'm still doing due diligence. I've also looked for more positive resources, since I think it's very easy to hear lots of negative/stressful stories about pregnancy and childbirth. A friend recently directed me to this website: https://www.debrapascalibonaro.com/ which does seem woo-woo, but on the other hand has a very positive spin on childbirth.

Anyway good luck! Hang in there.

jenn72178 · March 2014

wtfisup said:

So, some background on me: I was in my therapy appt the other day and stated that pregnancy overall was going fine. No horrible symptoms, relatively easy. My therapist then said, "Are you enjoying it, then?" I stalled.

The answer was, "No." But I'm not miserable or anything. It's just really hard for me to get to that place. I'm so busy making spreadsheets and lists and strategizing and budget adjusting and researching and Googling baby questions. I exhaust myself with that, then there's not much space/energy left for just enjoying that we'll have this wonderful baby in a few months.

We all know that "stop doing that" doesn't really work for thought processes. So I know the key to dealing with this kind of stress is to acknowledge, allow, redirect.

I do tend to imagine my husband and I meeting our daughter for the first time and how wonderful that will be, and that helps. It seems like I can only get into that headspace in the mornings or when walking, though.

Today I caught myself making a spreadsheet of people who I plan to invite to the UNBORN babies Christening -- you know.. 6-8 months from now when I actually get the baby Christened. I am a spreadsheet / budget / OCD junkie. I feel your pain @wtfisup - however, that said, making lists like this and re-working our budget and doing all sorts of little s**t like this helps me keep my mind off what would typically be negatively focusing on what could possibly go wrong with the baby, etc, etc. and to me.. I'd rather be an obsessive list making headcase than to get myself into that head space because I can get there -- and worry myself sick. I think, for me, spreadsheets and planning and doing all this "fun" stuff IS my release.. I say rock on with your bad spreadsheet self.

ElTrain5 · March 2014

I"m the same exact way. What helps my get a little giggly about it is baby clothes. I have a bag full of second hand baby clothes and when I need a lift, I go into the nursery and dump them out and fold them. Tiny little socks, tiny little shoes, tiny little hats.....it sounds ridiculous, but something about the tiny-baby-cuteness and the repetitive folding just does the trick for me. I picture him going to the pool in the tiny little swimsuit.... etc.

flerlgirl · March 2014

Thin Mints

Runningmomfam · March 2014

I find spending time with my son and my husband focusing on our last few months as a family of 3 helps. cleaning, organizing and exersising always makes me feel relaxed and distracted. Also, shopping alone is great "me" time and focusing on healthy eating and recipes always gets me excited

I love food!

flerlgirl · March 2014

In all seriousness, when I feel overwhelmed by the baby stuff, I make a list of things that have to be done (like a place for her to sleep, diapers). Then I make a list of things I would like to have done but if not, NBD (batteries for the swing, clothes washed). I tell myself I will do two things from the first list a week and, if I have time, one thing from the other list. I list out every little thing so I can accomplish something without it driving me insane.

And do what relaxes you! If you want to clean, clean. If you want to spend your evenings watch Dr. Quinn reruns and eating pretzels, make it happen.

deepoceanmama · March 2014

Today was my very first "ohshiticantpossiblybeamomohfuckohshit" day. I actually woke up all disoriented and haven't quite been able to shake it. Third trimester is throatpunching me.

I'm like you and PPs here--compulsively organized, constantly planning. I actually think it's the stall in my "doing" that's making me frazzled. I'm done with everything I could do to this point, and I can't start on anything else for a few weeks (waiting for the shower). I'm in baby limbo.

I agree about bubble baths, but they're unpopular here. I take one every night and they soothe my body and my mind. I always feel better after. I also agree about thin mints, even if flerlgirl was kidding. Eating what tastes good and indulging a little has helped me feel like pregnancy has "perks." Honestly, I've had 2 pints of the new Ben & Jerry's "that's my jam" core this week. It's my jam.

I'm also giving into the feels. If I feel weepy, I cathart. I watch weepy videos and let it happen. I dunno. It's all a huge mindfuck. I try to pretend I'm normal and not lose my mind.

Hugs.

wtfisup · March 2014

@deepoceanmama, I'm similarly stalled; waiting on the shower. It kills me. But I do think PP's idea to focus on meal planning and looking up new recipes might be good.

And maybe I just need to know that I'll be excited about the baby when she gets here, but until then, life has to go on. I just see these other folks relishing in pre-baby joy and I don't really feel like that's something I can do. I'm not upset: it's just not a place I can access.

chloephoebecali · March 2014

Do you have time or energy for a small hobby? Maybe do an art class or book club leading up until baby is here? Just to get out some nights out and away from all the compulsive planning and baby thinking. It might be hard to step away, but it would probably feel good once you are out.

lest12 · March 2014

Winter coming to an end is really, really helping me. It was terrible this year, but I'm now hopeful that we'll be able to spend time outside again... At least without being totally miserable or afraid of falling on ice again... I've been trying to take advantage of the extra sunlight and walking after work, even if it's still freezing. It's just nice that it's light out! And I bought some spring sandals. Having summer and warmth on the horizon is breathing life into me again, seriously, and as a result, I'm naturally less anxious and have the mental space to get excited about the baby.

temursgirl · March 2014

@wtfisup you and I need to balance each other out lol! I love planning and always make lists and spreadsheets and schedules for everything (and with pregnancy brain I now really need them to remember to do anything!). I am by nature content, but very active and I get stuff done. BUT, with pregnancy, I am even more content, but also tired, and the combo is making me not so productive! I don't even want to see checklists at this point because I know I will have done nothing on them!

I am enjoying the pregnancy, and I am super excited about the baby. I get to meet the person inside me who is already different from me, and that's amazing! But I also am just mostly doing the same activities (just fewer of them) I did before I got pregnant. In my case that's my pilates class, hiking, and I'm a member of an art society that meets once a week. DH and I go out with friends, listen to music (although LO has some strong opinions on that), watch movies, whatever. I suppose I could devote that time to reading parenting books and painting the nursery, but I feel like you can't let the preparation consume you either. I agree with PPs about actively pursuing hobbies or activities. They don't need to be baby-related and that doesn't mean you'll forget about the baby or not enjoy her.

ricecakes1216 · March 2014

I think we're the same person. I always thought I'd be the "squee!!! I'm pregnant and life is amazing!!" pregnant person. I'm not. I'm freaked out. Every little thing freaks me out. I google, make lists, plan our budget and anything else that overwhelms me daily. My job allows me plenty of time to worry. (I'm a natural worrier to begin with.)

Really the only time I'm content is in the evening when the little guy is going nuts. I love watching my belly move and seeing H's face when he moves. But then I think of everything we need to do before he comes and then I'm back to freaking out. The list is never ending. I know things will fall into place, but I need the control of things happening now.

wtfisup · March 2014

Temurlang1 said:

@wtfisup you and I need to balance each other out lol! I love planning and always make lists and spreadsheets and schedules for everything (and with pregnancy brain I now really need them to remember to do anything!). I am by nature content, but very active and I get stuff done. BUT, with pregnancy, I am even more content, but also tired, and the combo is making me not so productive! I don't even want to see checklists at this point because I know I will have done nothing on them!

I am enjoying the pregnancy, and I am super excited about the baby. I get to meet the person inside me who is already different from me, and that's amazing! But I also am just mostly doing the same activities (just fewer of them) I did before I got pregnant. In my case that's my pilates class, hiking, and I'm a member of an art society that meets once a week. DH and I go out with friends, listen to music (although LO has some strong opinions on that), watch movies, whatever. I suppose I could devote that time to reading parenting books and painting the nursery, but I feel like you can't let the preparation consume you either. I agree with PPs about actively pursuing hobbies or activities. They don't need to be baby-related and that doesn't mean you'll forget about the baby or not enjoy her.

I think one issue is that most of my hobbies a) cost money or b) require better weather. We're trying to save money; I can't affect the weather. We usually enjoy traveling, dining out, wine, etc. None of those work with my pregnancy budget. And while we have always enjoyed hosting, I canceled the last event we planned because I just didn't have the energy to put on the big production. (I.e. cooking for two days.)

If the weather will ever warm up just a bit and stabilize, I can plant seeds in the garden and flowers outside. As is, though, that's still at least a month away here. I even considered starting seeds inside, but there's no where that gets enough sunlight that is also protected from the cats.

Verstej2 · March 2014

This is my third baby so I'm pretty busy already and I totally hear you about just finding it hard to enjoy my pregnancy. With my first though, I remember sitting in the rocker in the nursery and turning on the mobile (it was the fisher price rainforest one that plays classical music) and just rocking, with my eyes closed and focusing on my baby. I would sometimes read to her too. I had the Dr. Seuss book "Oh baby, the places you'll go". It really helped me to relax and enjoy the moment.

Of course with my two subsequent pregnancies there hasn't been much time to do that sort of thing without having another child want to sit with you, so I have substituted sitting alone to sharing with my other LOs what baby is doing/how he/she is developing this week. We spend a bit of time each day talking to baby and discussing what it will be like once he/she arrives. It's pretty neat to hear the perspective of a two and four year old and it helps me connect with baby a bit. Plus I hope it helps them to be prepared for a new edition too. My daughter recently asked me if I had to take my legs off to get the baby out (we have discussed the basic biology of how baby is born but I guess we must have missed something in the explanation). And my two year old DS loves to argue with his sister about the babies sex. We have repeated explained that what body parts baby has is not very important at all but it still seems to be something he focus's on. Maybe because everyone we meet keeps asking the kids if they want a brother or sister. On a recent occasion my DD insisted that it would be a girl and my DS responded vehemently by informing her that the baby has a penis so therefore it is a boy. These lively and usually entertaining moments help a lot to make the pregnancy more enjoyable.

I also spend an hour each morning doing yoga, and I do a lot of walking. Getting outside, even in the cold (today might be the first day of spring but we are expecting 10-15 cm of snow tonight) really helps to slow the world down and put things in perspective for me.

amackattack · March 2014

I think some of the PPs on here have the right idea! For me the best way to relax and enjoy the pregnancy, is to just not obsess so much about planning and the baby. But like you said, you can't tell some one to just stop obsessing. That's why I think finding a project that you are excited about would be the best thing for you. Right now, i'm making a hanging wall art project of these four leaf clovers tiles I suspended in resin. I'm also going to sew these fun bird pillows for the baby's nursery. We are working on gathering and planting seeds for our garden this year. You could find a piece of furniture or a room you want to refurbish or redocrate for relatively cheap by going to goodwill or other consignment stores....Right now we are working on buying (for $400)bedroom furniture from our SIL and BIL, which means I can start to plan the decorations and paint scheme in that room. Do you have a family members birthday planning up? Plan a handmade gift or a surprise gathering for them. There's got to be something you can get into that will both take your mind off your worries and allow you to live your life outside of baby while we still have the opportunity!

temursgirl · March 2014

@wtfisup I am so with you on the entertaining! We normally do tons of it and I do 2-day cooking projects all the time for dinner parties. But now I just don't have the stamina plus food is still very iffy for me.

Some ideas of free or cheap activities (I don't really know your interests, and I think I'm easily distracted by almost anything, but maybe something here will work for you):

Libraries: free books! Plus, ours has other interesting free stuff going on. We went to a very good concert of Persian classical music for free.

Prenatal yoga/pilates on DVD: I borrowed some from a friend, but the library must have them too. It's not as good as going to a class (for me), but it's something you can do easily at home and it really makes me much more comfortable physically.

Unfinished projects: I always end up with some! Like putting your last vacation's photos online, scanning Grandma's album, putting CDs in order.

Artwork: If you paint or anything, it might be a good time to make something for baby's room, or the hallway, or just because.

Imaginary party planning: I usually do this all the time! I go through my cookbooks and plan out menus for various dinner parties. Like eight people for Easter, or a vegetarian Indian dinner. I have actually implemented these even months later. Sadly, now I can't read a cookbook.

Music or movies at home: you can do a lot for free or cheap at home. Personally, I'm more into music, but nowadays we watch a lot more movies at home where I'm comfortable.

brooklyngirl46 · March 2014

I also get very worried, and overwhelmed by everything. What makes me feel better is that I will just sit and talk to my LO during the day. Also I sing to LO. It gets me excited about the little person in there, and reminds me to calm down.

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