Ex-Husband is not getting it

wirt2cute · March 2014

So my ex will be here next week for our son's spring break and he wants to bring his other children. Our son who has not had a relationship with them for several years is not happy that he will be bringing them. Also they are 7 and 4 and our son is 13. He has spoken with his father and voiced his concern, opinion and unhappiness. My ex is just not getting it, and I am trying not to overstep my boundaries. I want my ex and son to have a good relationship and not put my feelings in the mix but his is adamant about bringing his other children. I know that it would be great from him to have a relationship with his siblings but he doesn't and it has not been that way for about 3 years. Our son did live with his dad and step family for about a year from 2010 to 2011 but that ended very badly.

I am trying not to bring out any negativity. Any advice.

ReeseFox · March 2014

Why doesn't your son want his siblings there?

wirt2cute · March 2014

ReeseFox said:

Why doesn't your son want his siblings there?

Long story short: . My oldest went to live with my ex for what was supposed to have been 5th, 6th, and 7th grade (we thought that this time would be good for him before he got to high school), but at the end of his first year living with his dad, step mom and their two kids his wife went ballistic and put her hands on my child. She told my ex husband that he fell of his bike. (he had a black eye, gashes behind his ears from her nails, a busted blood vessel in his eye and marks on his arm). When my son went to school the next day the teacher asked him what happened and he told her the truth. She immediately called the Department of children services. His step-mom as arrested and charged with child abuse and I went to Chicago and got my son. Per our son she never did anything like this to her children and he feels a lot of resentment towards his brother and sister. We went to counseling and he would talk about him getting yelled at for what his bother would do because he was the oldest. Fast forward, he is now in 7th grade and when he is supposed to visit his dad he cannot be around her per the judge in the case. She either makes arrangement to go back home (japan) or our son has to stay with his grandparents.

eta: text type and wording.

wirt2cute · March 2014

jessicabcairns said:

Leaving what the stepmother did aside, those are his siblings. You can pick your friends, but you don't get to pick family. You don't have to like them, but you do have to tolerate them. Those children didn't do anything wrong, they don't deserve to be punished for their mother's mistakes. One day your son will come to realize that when you're at rock bottom, it's only your siblings who will be there. I'm in camp, he doesn't get to tell his dad whether or not his siblings come.

They are his brothers and sisters they will forever be apart of his life. I needed to hear that and thanks for the honesty. Sometimes I get so caught up in the past that I don't think about the fact that they are all just kids.

ReeseFox · March 2014

I agree with @jessicabcairns. I understand his feelings, because what that woman did to him is terrible. But it's not fair for him to hold resentment toward his siblings for something that was completely out of their control. I don't think it's out of line for your ex to want to spend time with all of his kids together.

RondackHiker · March 2014

She beat his son and he still married to her?

I agree your son should see his siblings but I can't believe his dad is still married to the woman who abused him.

ReeseFox · March 2014

I do think it's disgusting that your ex is still with a woman that would treat his child that way. I felt that needed to be said.

WillieNelsonsGardener · March 2014

I agree with @jessicabcairns. I don't think its unreasonable for your exH to spend some time alone with your DS, like take him out on a special dinner or lunch or something, but I think its important for your DS to have a relationship with his siblings. At 7 and 4, they may not understand a lot of the intricacies of a blended family, but they will understand if your DS does not want to see them. Its totally normal for your son to be nervous or anxious about the visit and I hope that they are all able to have fun with each other!

WillieNelsonsGardener · March 2014

Wait, his SM won't be around, correct?
If she is, I would definitely make sure whatever is outlined in your CO is followed or call the cops.

jesuisfatiguee · March 2014

Just like he doesn't get to choose his siblings, his siblings didn't choose to have an abusive mom (regardless of whether she's abusive to them). They are just kids and totally innocent in this.

I can see how he would struggle with seeing that at 13, but I think you should try to help him with that. Like PP said, he doesn't have to like them, but he does have to tolerate them in this situation.

missyishere · March 2014

Maybe they can set aside a day where it's just him and his dad in order to have one-on-one bonding time, since that seems his desires. I'm also agog he is still with a woman who put her hands on his child. OMG, I would have flipped shit.

wirt2cute · March 2014

@Reesefox and @rondackhiker he did stay with her and I don't know if it was because they have children together or what. He has told me that he is still in counseling and that they are still working on getting past all that happened.

My thought is that if they are not together she will move back to Japan and take their children but I am not in their marriage. Every time our son has to visit Chicago to see his dad we have to take a few weeks to get him prepared because all he will talk about is what happen and not wanting to see her. My son's therapist said when he goes to Chicago it is like reliving the event all over again.

thebanich · March 2014

In all honesty, I kind of get why he wouldn't want them around. No, it isn't his siblings' fault but that is some tough shit for a kid to deal with. If seeing them brings everything back up for him, I wouldn't blame your son at all for feeling like that.

wirt2cute · March 2014

HilarityEnsued said:

Fuck I would never send him to Chicago...

It is really hard, but per our divorce decree this is what is supposed to happen. I can say that my ex does his best to make sure that he does not see her.

ReeseFox · March 2014

Mrswirt2013 said:

Reesefox and rondackhiker he did stay with her and I don't know if it was because they have children together or what. He has told me that he is still in counseling and that they are still working on getting past all that happened.
My thought is that if they are not together she will move back to Japan and take their children but I am not in their marriage. Every time our son has to visit Chicago to see his dad we have to take a few weeks to get him prepared because all he will talk about is what happen and not wanting to see her. My son's therapist said when he goes to Chicago it is like reliving the event all over again.

There are definitely legal steps he could take to keep this from happening. She's a convicted child abuser, I don't think it would be too hard for him to get a favorable custody agreement in place.

wirt2cute · March 2014

@missyishere maybe I could take to my ex about doing something with just him and our son. I don't mind watching his brother and sister. And I did flip my shit, all the hood in me came out when I went to pick up my son. My ex and my mom had to hold me back, but I could not get arrested in Chicago.

@je+suis=fatiguee I totally agree you can't pick who your parent is let alone who your ex marries.

@willienelsongardner SM will not be here, that bish bet not step in Memphis.

eta. name link

wirt2cute · March 2014

ReeseFox said:

Mrswirt2013 said:

Reesefox and rondackhiker he did stay with her and I don't know if it was because they have children together or what. He has told me that he is still in counseling and that they are still working on getting past all that happened.
My thought is that if they are not together she will move back to Japan and take their children but I am not in their marriage. Every time our son has to visit Chicago to see his dad we have to take a few weeks to get him prepared because all he will talk about is what happen and not wanting to see her. My son's therapist said when he goes to Chicago it is like reliving the event all over again.

There are definitely legal steps he could take to keep this from happening. She's a convicted child abuser, I don't think it would be too hard for him to get a favorable custody agreement in place.

If he ever ask, then I have some good advice to give.

wirt2cute · March 2014

HilarityEnsued said:

Mrswirt2013 said:

HilarityEnsued said:

Fuck I would never send him to Chicago...

It is really hard, but per our divorce decree this is what is supposed to happen. I can say that my ex does his best to make sure that he does not see her.

Oh I'm not saying you had a choice or anything... that just blows. Sorry you have to deal with that.

I think I'd probably cutabitch if she did that.

Thanks, I get so worried when I know that time his coming for his visit with his dad...

Yes Yes Yes.... cutabitch

eta. wording

wirt2cute · March 2014

susanb887 said:

If his children are US citizens and she is not, I don't think she can get on a plane with them without a court order. If you are a US citizen your other citizenships are not recognized by the US. My cousin looked into this because he was worried his wife would up and leave with his son (their son) one day. She is a resident. Their son was born in Poland but my cousin got him citizenship here. So, she was not allowed on a plane leaving the country with her own son unless my cousin was with her or she had a court order. It didn't even matter that their son was also a polish citizen.

Interesting. His son was born in Japan and his daughter was born here in the states. I promise I am taking notes, we sometimes talk like we did before everything happened and we had a great co-parent relationship. But I will only let him know this if he ask me.

ReeseFox · March 2014

Mrswirt2013 said:
But I will only let him know this if he ask me.

That's a good policy.

wirt2cute · March 2014

@susanb887 thanks

@reesefox agreed

wirt2cute · March 2014

jessicabcairns said:

I was coming back to apologize for being harsh - I grew up in a similar situation, except the other kids weren't my biological siblings, so I can understand your sons feelings. Instead I'm going to offer some more advice on how to explain this to your son. At 13, he is old enough to understand the blended family dynamic. He is also old enough for you to sit down and have a discussion with him about the special circumstances of his family. That although his step-mother is a bad person, his siblings are young, didn't ask for or cause this situation, and likely look up to him. I can understand his hesitation, and I would absolutely not force him to go to Chicago. I would also advocate that he ask his dad to do something just the two of them, but also for him to make an effort with his siblings.

No you were not harsh at all and I love that you were honest with me. I did talk to him and let him know that even though his siblings were coming that he would still be able to spend time with his dad and that this would be a great time for every body to have fun together. Even though he is 13 he has some developmental delays due to his prematurity. He was born at 26 week and had a brain bleed when he was born, has epilepsy, and has been in sped since he was 3. So we have to break things down to him in a different way since he thinks in a different way. The whole thing about his step mom and her craziness is that she knows his history. But I did talk to him and he was able to understand why and he came out of the conversation happier.

wirt2cute · March 2014

Inkogneetoh said:

WTF at him still be married to a woman who abused his son.
WTF for you still sending him to Chicago on his own to potentially be around her. A divorce decree stating she can't be around him isn't going to protect him if she goes nuts and goes after him.

Nvm your OP, go to damn court and get sole custody. You have complete grounds to. My child would never, ever, ever be around a man that stayed with a woman WHO ABUSED HIM.

Trust me I say WTF to myself to when he has to go to Chicago. His dad and have a great understanding that when he does go visit that he is well protected. When he went last summer he did not see anybody but his grandparents and his dad because they live on two different side of Chicago.

wirt2cute · March 2014

fredalina said:

I just keep thinking of this poor guy: https://www.wate.com/story/12382676/tennessee-dad-who-tried-to-take-kids-from-japan-sues-judge

Wow that is really sad.. I wonder what happened in the end.

plus12012 · March 2014

If leaving the siblings at home is not an option I would stress to your ex that it is very important for him to try and plan a few activities with just him and your son.

ReeseFox · March 2014

HilarityEnsued said:

If leaving the siblings at home is not an option I would stress to your ex that it is very important for him to try and plan a few activities with just him and your son.
What the hell is he supposed to do with two minor children while in another city?

OP said she's willing to watch them.

MamatoA2010 · March 2014

My daughter's soon to be SM is not abusive and she has a biological half brother resulting from their relationship (XH and soon to be stepmom are not married..yet). I try not to hold grudges against DD's illegitamite brother but it IS her half brother and I have to respect that. Not exactly similar to your scenario but just thought I'd put that out there since DD comes from a blended family as well...

wirt2cute · March 2014

HilarityEnsued said:

If leaving the siblings at home is not an option I would stress to your ex that it is very important for him to try and plan a few activities with just him and your son.
What the hell is he supposed to do with two minor children while in another city?

OP said she's willing to watch them.

@mamatoa2010 thanks

My ex just left my house with our son. They are staying at a hotel close to the mall so he asked if my youngest and I could meet them tomorrow for lunch or something. I totally don't mind watching the kids so him and our son can do something just the two of them. My youngest and his youngest are the same age so that would be easy.

Monkeybabe · March 2014

MamatoA2010 said:

My daughter's soon to be SM is not abusive and she has a biological half brother resulting from their relationship (XH and soon to be stepmom are not married..yet). I try not to hold grudges against DD's illegitamite brother but it IS her half brother and I have to respect that. Not exactly similar to your scenario but just thought I'd put that out there since DD comes from a blended family as well...

Illigitimate?

jesuisfatiguee · March 2014

Monkeybabe said:

MamatoA2010 said:

My daughter's soon to be SM is not abusive and she has a biological half brother resulting from their relationship (XH and soon to be stepmom are not married..yet). I try not to hold grudges against DD's illegitamite brother but it IS her half brother and I have to respect that. Not exactly similar to your scenario but just thought I'd put that out there since DD comes from a blended family as well...

Illigitimate?

lol for real.

I want to make a joke about the title of this thread, but I feel so bad about the content, I will refrain.

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