Advice please: how to cope with a sister dealing with IF while I'm pregnant

LilKingBoy · March 2014

Seeking advice please: I'm in my mid-30s and pregnant. My older sister has been trying for a decade to get pregnant. She has had a few miscarriages also. She knew I was trying and when it happened she was in shock. It brought the grief up inside her all over again (despite the fact she "says" it doesnt bother her). I'm her sister so of course I can see right through her. She is extremely defensive and swears she's fine, but like I said, I know she's not. Friends tell me I need to be happy and not to worry about her, but I can't do that. She's my sister. I care deeply if she's upset or hurt. I would love to talk to her about it, but like I said she is extremely defensive and even gets offended if it's brought up to her claiming she's over "the baby thing." She is also very bitter and I can tell in our conversations how bitter she is with everything. Breaks my heart. She doesn't want anything to do with the baby shower right now which hurts my feelings.

I am trying my best to give her space and not get mad, but honestly, for the first ime in my life, I would like my family to enjoy a piece of my life that I am finally happy about. My family tip-toes around her because of this and as much as she says she doesn't want that, how can we not? She is SO defensive and bitter/ bitchy. I feel like this is starting to take away some of my happiness and I am starting to feel resentful which I hate feeling. Anyways, any advice on how to cope with an older sister dealing with IF while being pregnant yourself?

liz4paws · March 2014

First off, I applaud you for caring enough about your sister to ask. What I need to convey to you is that infertility and loss is hands down the most painful battle I've EVER dealt with. And I've dealt with some serious ish, including watching my mom die of stage IV colon cancer. Infertility takes the cake. It's a pain that most people can't understand unless they've been there themselves.

Your sister is experiencing pain that 7 out of 8 couples will never know and never understand. It's a very isolating problem and the only thing worse than feeling like you're alone is feeling that your family members are resentful toward you for it.

My best advice would be to share in the happiness with your friends who haven't had this terrible hand dealt to them but understand that your sister is experiencing pain that cuts right into her core. Make sure she knows how much you love her, how much you can't possibly know the pain she's feeling, but you want to be there for her. And please don't tie any strings to it with how it affects you.

Here is a link that might help you https://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

But if I might just add one more thing, I feel like part of your post is about how her "bitterness and bitchiness" isn't allowing you to enjoy your pregnancy. Like I said, you're going to have lots of people who celebrate with you and will shower you with baby gushiness. PLEASE do NOT expect her to be one of them. And love her anyway. You wouldn't be hurt toward a paraplegic for not running in a 5k with you, would you? Appreciate you have no idea of her pain. But never ever use the terms bitter and/or bitchy to describe someone who is hurting as bad as she is.

sunflowermama42212 · March 2014

Honestly not everyone has to be as excited about your baby as you do and that is perfectly okay. My sister had a baby and got everyone's attention then after 2 yrs of infertility and 2 IVF cycles later I got pregnant with my baby. Well my family pushed all the attention towards me because no one even thought the treatments would work so they were overjoyed and my sister got so mad she canceled my baby shower. She stopped talking to me and wants nothing to do with my baby. I was very upset but I got over it because at the end of the day its her issue. I'm excited for my baby and thats all that matters but seriously your sister is going through something so very painful and at the end of the day as long as your happy then thats all that matters. You can't force your sister to be all about a baby that isn't hers. If you think she is being bitchy then look at yourself and ask yourself if your being a little selfish? Thats what I did with my sister. I looked at how I could change my attitude because I can't control hers. my sister and I talk now (not about my baby) but thats okay. Some people just need time.

ETA: Just to clarify, I wasn't saying you were specifically being selfish. I just meant their are two sides to every story so while you feel one way she might feel another and you can only control how you feel.

FutureMrsW9 · March 2014

I echo exactly what @liz4paws said, she was spot on. The only thing I'll add is that even if your sister does eventually conceive, the pain and jealousy that she feels will still not go away. Even though I'm 6+ months pregnant now, I still look at other pregnancy and birth announcements and feel sad and jealous - I can't even explain why, but it just is the way it is. It's just something you could never possibly understand, and as easy as it is for your sister to tell you it doesn't bother her, we on this board can assure you that it does, deep to the core. By all means I'm sure she's happy for you, but the pain and jealousy that she's holding will keep her from jumping up with excitement like others may, and you really can't blame her for that. With respect to your shower, that also doesn't surprise me. Anyone going through IF will tell you that showers are probably the most painful part of dealing with IF. An announcement comes and goes within a few seconds and you can distract yourself and eventually forget about it. But a shower requires a lot more focus, especially if you're being expected to be part of the planning. It's just one of those things that's "in your face" when dealing with IF, so please try to be understanding about her feelings when it comes to planning your shower.

At the end of the day NONE of her feelings have anything to do with you, so please try to understand that it's really not about you. It's all about her struggles, and who can blame her for feeling jealous when someone so close to her got what she's been trying to hard for and probably wants more than anything else in the world.

Edit: typos

LilKingBoy · March 2014

Thanks for the replies. They were what I expected. No I don't feel that I am being selfish. In fact, quite the opposite. I don't talk to her about it since I know it's painful for her. I give her space. I listen to her the rare times she does mention it. Although I don't think it should give her license to "not be nice" (in lieu of bitchy) to her family. I have had my struggles and heartache on things that she would never understand but I am open and honest about it with her. This pregnancy didn't come easy. It's not like I fell on a penis last night and oops prego! No not at all. I have had my share of laparoscopic surgeries, getting older, and a lot more. I have prayed for years and still do that she gets blessed with a baby. I know I can't understand part of her pain right now. I guess what I want is honesty from her: honesty that it hurts her to talk about or plan a baby shower. I'd appreciate her honesty more than her trying to fake happiness. I don't want her to come to the baby shower if it's too painful. I'd understand. I don't want to hear the fake, "I'll help you shop" etc when I know she doesn't mean it. It's just hard. I didn't get pregnant to hurt my sister. I guess I'll just have to wait for her to be on her timeline, but in the meantime I feel like I am losing a sister. I am sad for her and sad to be losing her. It sucks I can't share this experience with my best friend, my sister.

lincoln79 · March 2014

LilKingBoy said:

Thanks for the replies. They were what I expected. No I don't feel that I am being selfish. In fact, quite the opposite. I don't talk to her about it since I know it's painful for her. I give her space. I listen to her the rare times she does mention it. Although I don't think it should give her license to "not be nice" (in lieu of bitchy) to her family. I have had my struggles and heartache on things that she would never understand but I am open and honest about it with her. This pregnancy didn't come easy. It's not like I fell on a penis last night and oops prego! No not at all. I have had my share of laparoscopic surgeries, getting older, and a lot more. I have prayed for years and still do that she gets blessed with a baby. I know I can't understand part of her pain right now. I guess what I want is honesty from her: honesty that it hurts her to talk about or plan a baby shower. I'd appreciate her honesty more than her trying to fake happiness. I don't want her to come to the baby shower if it's too painful. I'd understand. I don't want to hear the fake, "I'll help you shop" etc when I know she doesn't mean it. It's just hard. I didn't get pregnant to hurt my sister. I guess I'll just have to wait for her to be on her timeline, but in the meantime I feel like I am losing a sister. I am sad for her and sad to be losing her. It sucks I can't share this experience with my best friend, my sister.

maybe a thought from left field: have you tried writing to her that you can tell she is hurting and that when she is ready, you would like to have an open and honest conversation about that and that you have no expectations.

it is possible that she doesn't "not mean it" but rather is also trying, but just having a difficult time with doing the actual thing like shopping.

please realize that this may be a season that she just can't spend a lot of time with you, but it may not be that way forever. it sucks for both of you, infertility has not only robbed her but also you.

it seems to me that you are both trying very hard to work through and navigate and VERY tough situation. that is very worthwhile!

LilKingBoy · March 2014

Thank you Lincoln79.

. That's a good idea. I haven't thought of writing her because I have read from other women on other sites that emails are so insensitive in these situations; however, I may try that. Especially as it gets closer to the shower. She doesn't live close to me so I will give her her space as I have been and see if she comes around. I know on one level she is happy for me, but I know her sadness is greater. And I am not making her wrong for that. I may not have had her exact experiences, but I wish she would realize that she doesn't have to go through her pain alone and isolated. I just wish I could take her away sadness and pain. Yes you are right, it is worthwhile. Thanks again.

Aurora1181 · March 2014

First of all, we obviously have some very eloquent ladies on this board. These replies were so well written and totally captured how all of this feels from the IF angle.

Second, in regards to her possible "fakeness": I know when my SIL was pregnant, I threw the shower. I volunteered to do it. But it was one of the hardest things I've done. I cried and cried when I was alone, decorating baby cakes and baby favors- but the day of I sucked it up and put a smile on my face and threw a great party. Was my outward appearance fake that day? Totally. But my SIL knew that I was giving her this gift even though it was so hard, and I think that actually made it more meaningful.

Also, with friends, sometimes I would say, "sure I'll come help do x, y, and z" in regards to baby stuff. But when it came time, sometimes I just couldn't do it. It was too hard. My friends never got mad, never said I was fake, they just understood that somethings were beyond my limit. They never stopped inviting me, and I appreciated feeling included.

Hugs to both of you. It's just so hard.

Ylvelill · March 2014

Just wanted to echo what the last poster said. Sometimes a fake smile is the best one can do and talking about is just too hard.

I love my friends and I love all their darn babies to death but there were days I went home crying after a birthday party or an event because I knew I might never get to have that. On the other hand I would never have wanted to be excluded from their lives even if it was hard and they understood that, even on my bitchy days

I hope the two of you can figure out a way to stay close.

FloridaSun82 · March 2014

LilKingBoy said:

I guess what I want is honesty from her: honesty that it hurts her to talk about or plan a baby shower. I'd appreciate her honesty more than her trying to fake happiness. I don't want her to come to the baby shower if it's too painful. I'd understand. I don't want to hear the fake, "I'll help you shop" etc when I know she doesn't mean it. I

I have to echo what other people have said about this and throw in my own opinion. Like everyone else, I agree that IF puts us in a different mindset. We will always be jealous and envious of people that we feel had it come easier to them. I hope this doesn't offend you, but if you had a few surgeries and were successful and she has done whatever she's done and is still not successful, she is probably perceiving you having an easier time than her. However, those feelings are in our IF hearts.

Our BRAINS knows that it's no one's fault, that we're not supposed to take our feelings out on other people, and, most importantly, that our sister being pregnant is a really big and exciting deal. I think, speaking from my experience, that when she says she wants to help you with the shower and go shopping and all that stuff, in that moment, she may really mean it because she wants to be excitedwith you for your baby. It's really a very conflicting time between our brains and our hearts.

When my SIL was pregnant, I drove 3 hours to attend her shower, offered to help, had fun shopping for the baby, and all that good stuff because I really WANTED to be okay with it. I knew that her pregnancy had nothing to do with my inability to get pregnant and I didn't want to disappoint her because of my issues. However, I cried for about 2 hours of the 3 hour drive home, and did it all again after the baby was born because, again, I really wanted to be supportive and okay with it. So, to call her "fake" is really not fair. Trust me, she wants to be excited/happy for you and, trust me, there are times when she IS truly excited/happy for you, but just because she's truly happy for YOU doesn't mean that she can't also be sad for HER.

FutureMrsW9 · March 2014

Another thing I wanted to add because I was thinking about it, and this is how I feel a lot of the time....Once the baby is actually here, she may have a complete attitude shift toward you. I admittedly resented my SIL when she was pregnant (one cycle of trying after going off the pill - must be nice), and at that point DH and I weren't even married and technically trying yet, but I knew we were going to have struggles based on my DX from years prior. I'd been battling getting my body to ovulate on its own for 10 years at that point, so even though we weren't actively trying I knew it was going to be a battle for me someday so any pregnant woman made me feel jealous and angry on some level like "why me." That said, once the baby was born and I got to hold him in my arms all of those feelings went away, for me it was honestly more about the pregnancy than the baby itself because how can you resent an actual baby! I'm sure not everyone who's gone through is is going through IF feels the same, but I just wanted to share my own feeling and experience to let you know that she may do a 180 once the baby is actually here and she gets to meet her niece or nephew.

LilKingBoy · March 2014

I appreciate everyone's courage to respond to a difficult question. I hope she does a 180.. I won't pressure her though and will wait until she's ready. Thank you all.

I just wanted to say that I hear the pain this subject brings up... I have seen it with my sister for 10 years (as much as she denies it doesn't).. Dealt with my own issues and avoidances of prego friends and showers.. cried... I feel very blessed and grateful right now . However, it's extremely difficult to hear, "well you don't understand." That is definitely a way to shut someone out. There are many experiences that each one of us faces that many don't understand, but that doesn't mean that one can't have compassion, sympathy, and support. I don't want her to be involved if she can't do it. I would never expect, be insensitive, selflish or cruel like that. Of course she's my sister and I want her to be apart of this experience with me, but I don't expect it given what she has and is going through. Maybe some days she feels she can and others she can't. It does hurt me that this is one joy (the only joy so far in my life) that I can't share with her, and again, I am not making her wrong for that. It's just hard to be so close to a sister and yet be so distant on the most joyous event of my life. The last thing I'd ever want from her is to feel like she "has to" be happy for my sake when obviously there are days she's not. I hope in time it gets better. I hope she is blessed soon with her own baby as her doctor did tell her she can have babies... she is 40 and she thinks it's too late.. I pray not.

I'm not sure what else to say other than to echo what someone said above... IF does rob so so much. Thanks for letting me talk about a difficult and painful subject from all angles. God bless.

LilKingBoy · March 2014

THANK YOU IntuitiveBlue! Yes it's hard when I talk to her quite frequently to not mention how I have a headache or feel nauseous (not complaining - it's just how I feel), but definitely do not take it for granted. I have thought about #3 but I'd feel so horrible saying that... If I do end up having to say that I will definitely make sure it's said with love and not frustration. Thank you - your post helped alot.

liz4paws · March 2014

LilKingBoy said:

THANK YOU IntuitiveBlue! Yes it's hard when I talk to her quite frequently to not mention how I have a headache or feel nauseous (not complaining - it's just how I feel), but definitely do not take it for granted. I have thought about #3 but I'd feel so horrible saying that... If I do end up having to say that I will definitely make sure it's said with love and not frustration. Thank you - your post helped alot.

I wholeheartedly disagree and can't think of a single instance where the suggested #3 would be helpful in any way shape or form. I honestly wouldn't ever say something like that to your sister. That's my two cents.

4legsRbest · March 2014

liz4paws said:

First off, I applaud you for caring enough about your sister to ask. What I need to convey to you is that infertility and loss is hands down the most painful battle I've EVER dealt with. And I've dealt with some serious ish, including watching my mom die of stage IV colon cancer. Infertility takes the cake. It's a pain that most people can't understand unless they've been there themselves.

Your sister is experiencing pain that 7 out of 8 couples will never know and never understand. It's a very isolating problem and the only thing worse than feeling like you're alone is feeling that your family members are resentful toward you for it.

My best advice would be to share in the happiness with your friends who haven't had this terrible hand dealt to them but understand that your sister is experiencing pain that cuts right into her core. Make sure she knows how much you love her, how much you can't possibly know the pain she's feeling, but you want to be there for her. And please don't tie any strings to it with how it affects you.
Here is a link that might help you https://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

But if I might just add one more thing, I feel like part of your post is about how her "bitterness and bitchiness" isn't allowing you to enjoy your pregnancy. Like I said, you're going to have lots of people who celebrate with you and will shower you with baby gushiness. PLEASE do NOT expect her to be one of them. And love her anyway. You wouldn't be hurt toward a paraplegic for not running in a 5k with you, would you? Appreciate you have no idea of her pain. But never ever use the terms bitter and/or bitchy to describe someone who is hurting as bad as she is.

Oh Liz, I love you! This is perfect.

FWIW OP, I just found out 2 days ago that my little sister, who is also my best-friend, is pregnant with her first after 2 hot months of trying. I have struggled with both loss and infertility and I can tell you that it hurts - through all of the excitement and joy I feel for her, there is still pain that will never go away. And I even have a DS at home. As crazy as it may seem to you, Liz put it well when she said IF takes the cake. I have also lost a father, painfully at that, and sadly had my first marriage fall apart, but my IF and loss are by far the worst things that have ever happened to me. They have fundamentally changed who I am as a person, but I am lucky that at least my little sister gets this and accepts me for who I have become over the years. She takes me on my worst and most "bitter" days as you call them (I think that word is total bullsh!t and needs to be dropped from loss and IF discussion, honestly) and offers extra hugs and space if one of those is needed. Try and think of her as in the most amount of pain a person can be in on those "bitter" days and it may give you a different outlook. I have no idea what it feels like to be one of the fortunate ones who doesn't know what this pain is like. Revel in that.

I truly hope you and your sister come out good on the other side of this. There will be days that are good and days that are bad, and your relationship will forever be altered, but you have it in your power to make sure that change is for the better, not worse. I can't imagine my life without my sister as my #1 confidant.

LilKingBoy · March 2014

Actually #3 would be the thing to say to her. She has said it to me before so I think she'd get it. I'm not going to call her up now and say it as I know she is trying her best, but if it has to be said at one point then I will have to say it.

I need to make something clear: I accept my sister for who she is and I stand by her 100%. Just because I'm having a hardtime with all this doesn't mean I don't accept her or any of the sort. Trying to have a happy pregnancy is hard when one of the most closest people in my life, can't be around me, talk about it with me, etc, which is understandable considering her feelings/history. I didn't expect her to be celebrating it, but I also didn't expect this meanness from her either. It's not like I met her a week ago and now we're friends. It's almost 40 years of history! It's just hard and honestly it's not fair to either of us. Like I said, I want her to show up authentically and say, "I can't do this," rather than "everything is fine." How do I deal with "everything is fine" when I know she is suffering?! I feel helpless. And I want to enjoy this pregnancy... but that's another taboo. If I enjoy it then I'm insensitive to her feelings and I'm putting it in her face. I feel like I am in a no win situation no matter what I do. To say it shouldn't affect me because it only affects her is not taking both sides into consideration. I think an email down the road if necessary will be helpful especially as it gets closer to my shower. I don't want her coming if it's too hard for her. I'm just trying to be as senstive as possible without losing my sister. In the end, I guess I can only do what I can do. If her isolation gets the best of her, then there's nothing I can do and I will just have to move on as much as it will hurt both of us.

brittneyandadam · March 2014

liz4paws said:

LilKingBoy said:

THANK YOU IntuitiveBlue! Yes it's hard when I talk to her quite frequently to not mention how I have a headache or feel nauseous (not complaining - it's just how I feel), but definitely do not take it for granted. I have thought about #3 but I'd feel so horrible saying that... If I do end up having to say that I will definitely make sure it's said with love and not frustration. Thank you - your post helped alot.

I wholeheartedly disagree and can't think of a single instance where the suggested #3 would be helpful in any way shape or form. I honestly wouldn't ever say something like that to your sister. That's my two cents.

This. So, when I had those crazy, crappy, jealous and angry feelings toward pregnant friends, I KNEW that the pregnancy wasn't about me. I didn't want those feelings, they made me feel like an awful person...and after a while I just accepted that I would have them and have to deal with them. I don't think anyone going through IF thinks that someone else gets pregnant just to spite them.

Give her time, let her participate on her terms. Even though it doesn't seem genuine, she's trying to be happy for you by offering to help plan, shop, etc. It's going to take her time and I know you want her to be honest about her feelings, but her issues are not about you. She's sad about what she doesn't have and though she may have been ok about that before, your announcement may have brought up feelings that really surprised her....and what your seeing may be anger at herself.

LilKingBoy · March 2014

Thank you Brittany. I pray time helps. I can't stand knowing my sister is hurting and I can't help her. Thank you for giving insight and sharing your experience. It helps.

auntjessy · March 2014

If someone had told me it wasn't about me, especially when I tried very hard to NOT make it about me (as it seems like she's doing) I would be EXTREMELY hurt and offended. It's not like she's up in your face about it, she's just quietly trying to deal with her own feelings. I do have a sister who's had 3 kids and we've been very close all of our lives, despite sister arguments. I can tell you this is NEVER the thing to say to someone struggling with IF, unless they're at your baby shower trying to steal all the attention and complain about their issues while you're celebrating. Trust me, we know it isn't about us - and no matter what situation you've gone through, including some IF yourself, you will need to accept that you don't understand what she's going through, and she shouldn't be forced to explain it to you. No one understands another's feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, worries. We can just love people without understanding. Just love her, try your best to not take it personally, and let her know that she's welcome to have as much of a part of any celebration/birth, etc., that she's comfortable with.

It's wonderful that you're trying to understand and be her sister, but the truth is - right now, it just might be too painful for her and you can focus on being a mom.

Side note: My sister gave birth to her 2nd daughter 2 weeks after my miscarriage. That hurt. As excited as I was about my niece, it really hurt. I was originally scheduled to be in the delivery room with her, but after my miscarriage, she changed her mind without asking me, because she assumed I was being 'fake'. That really added to my pain.

olenkapdx · March 2014

So many wise words here!!

Not much to add except that I have been that bitter older sister! When my younger sister announced her pregnancy a few years ago, it was like a punch in the gut, although one I'd been waiting to happen (she'd already been married several years at the time). I'm not proud of it, but I basically just emotionally checked out during most of her pregnancy. I tried really hard to fake interest and happiness for her, but I have never been a good faker. I did not go to her shower and was not there at her son's birth (granted, I was also dealing with severe health issues of my SO, and had lost my job, so making a 3000 mile trip wasn't possible). The most I was able to do was call her occasionally to check in. I hated myself for not being able to do more, but it was really all I could do without losing my shit repeatedly.

Since finding out I was pregnant last summer, my sister has been nothing but supportive of me. As you might imagine, I have been dealing with feelings of guilt as a result, even though this has for the most part been such a happy time for me. The only time I have cried during this entire pregnancy was after a phone conversation with my mom where she happened to mention "You know, you were really not there for your sister during her pregnancy and it really, really hurt her." Yes, no kidding. But at the time, there was no way I could be there for her any more than I was and still be genuine.

Anyway, as we all know, IF is a rough, rough road. My heart goes out to you and your sister.

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