Something no one says to us

dadalou · March 2014

I just wanted to say congratulations to each of you for your precious babies. I know we didn't get to keep them, but they were here. They existed.

JessicaG220 · March 2014

I know exactly what you mean. Our babies deserve as much love and recognition in heaven as much as the babies here on Earth. It's so unfair.

OSUWifey09 · March 2014

***SIGGY***

The nurses that delivered Devon said, "We're so sorry he's gone, but congratulations. He's beautiful." I still cry when I think about it. They were the only people - besides my immediate family - that truly congratulated me. I hadn't realized how much that would mean to me until I heard it. You're right - they were here, they existed, and they will always be a part of us. Thanks so much for posting that.

veetveet · March 2014

If someone congratulated me that day.... I probably would have punched them in the face. In my situation I feel there was nothing positive- the diagnosis, the waiting, the agonizing termination and induction and then the delivery of my dead baby.

I get what you are saying tho. Simple acknowledgement.

Bayberry12 · March 2014

They only time anyone said congratulations to me, it was by mistake. One was the receptionist at my Dr. office when I called to schedule my 6 week check up, I just hung up with out saying a word. And the other was a neighbor who was so embarrassed when I told him she didn't make it.

But, the acknowledgement that I HAD a child is all I really want. You are so right, she was here, she existed, she mattered.

Hugs to everyone today.

stefuge · March 2014

We were congratulated at the hospital after Colton was born, but it was like bayberry said, by mistake. The anesthesiologist congratulated us and shook MH hand after removing my epidural after surgery. It was obvious though he had forgotten that our baby was stillborn and was just something he does with all his patients. It hurt. It was a tough reminder of how we should have been feeling. My nurses all told us he was beautiful, but I don't think anyone else ever congratulated us.

sparrowmomma24 · March 2014

It was so hard while I was in the hospital fighting for my life and Ellie's... When I was transfered to the big KC hospital they told me they couldn't help me because I wasn't having a baby. They only help women having babies. And since I wasn't 24 weeks I was having a fetus. That was so hard to hear over and over.

Jellybean71514 · March 2014

I didn't have anyone congratulate me at the time and I'm not sure I would have wanted to hear that then but it is nice now to hear so thank you - I feel people acknowledge that I lost my baby and not that I 'had' him but then lost him. He was very much with me and very much existing but we then lost him at birth. I think that's the part missing when people acknowledge at all what we went thru. Xoxo

milb11 · March 2014

Thank you for posting this. Tonight I went to my support group and the leader was talking about how they were going to have an event to make blankets to donate to the hospital for other women who have experienced what we all have experienced. She noted it would be the day before Mother's Day. I just made me think about how that day will go. Will anyone acknowledge that I am a Mom, even though I have to carry my baby in my heart and not in my arms.

Your post just reminded me that this group provides the kind of support that only someone who has experienced a loss can provide.

stefuge · March 2014

@milb11‌ - you are most definitely a mom! A friend of mine has told me that I am exactly the mommy Colton needed. My love and devotion to him, determined to celebrate and make him a part of our lives, even though I don't get to be his mommy in the expected way. This is true for all of us. We love our children, even though we don't get to hold them, and kiss them, and raise them. We don't get to love them in the traditional way, but we love them all the more for the ache they have left behind. ((Hugs)) ladies.

veetveet · March 2014

https://stillstandingmag.com/2013/06/why-you-didnt-fail-as-a-mother/

I read this often

LyndseyTS · March 2014

@veetveet I came across that post as well. Like you, I read it often. I need to. Her book (with images to go with the essay) is coming out soon and I really, really want to snag a copy so that I can carry it with me.

ikrystal · March 2014

I have also been congratulated by mistake (including one of my grad school professors, who I had to email and explain why I wasn't going to be in class this semester. He didn't read the whole three sentences I sent him and said "congratulations" even though I clearly said my boys had passed away). I've been congratulated by many people who didn't realize what happened, and I wanted to cry every single time.

But yes - we should celebrate their lives as well, even while mourning their deaths. It would be horrible not to.

mmsweeney1 · March 2014

*ticker*

Thank you and same to you!

I was in the hospital for a week after having my son and we met doctor after doctor since they didn't know what was wrong. The day after he was born we still had him in our room. One doctor who came to see us asked if he could see and hold our baby. It meant so much to me and I will never forget it! It seemed as though everyone else forgot/disregarded that I had even come there to have a baby and went through labor and everything.

ETA: I still feel so proud of having our son even though he's not here with us. I don't think many people understand that.

Mrodriguez898 · March 2014

You're right. That is what I would of liked to hear. Thank you so much

bbellb02 · March 2014

I'm sorry that's all they told you. I believe a baby is a baby no matter how far.

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