won't play alone... and can't be punished!

Pleione · March 2014

Could do with some input into two issues:

1. Kiddo has no idea what independent play means. Someone always has to be down on her play mat with her, helping her build towers, shape sort, etc etc. She might do her own thing for a max of about 5 minutes every now and again, but as soon as you make eye contact, it's a constant refrain of "mama play toys." How to get her to play alone??

2. She cannot stand to have any food that she's decided she won't eat on her tray, and it will get flung on the floor. We've told her sternly not to throw her food a bunch of times. She's also been given a couple of time outs for this recently. And nothing. Wasn't in the least bit phased, didn't cry, nothing. Next day, same thing again. Now I find it difficult to believe that she can't understand what she's being told because her receptive language skills are great. So what's going on?

aylafsu88 · March 2014

LO was very needy in the beginning. She always had to have someone holding her/playing with her/next to her. DC has helped a lot with the transition in the toddler room as they focus on getting them more independent and less holding during the day. My H and I encourage her independent play by not interrupting her or following her around the house (most areas she can get to are child proof). We found that we were the ones always trying to interact/talk to her which may have perpetuated the problem. Now if she has a toy or goes into her room we let her. We will kind of peak on her to make sure she is OK but we do not talk/try to interact with her. This has helped and she will now play alone for 5-20 mintues at home.

Pleione · March 2014

kitchencolors said:

I'm not a great help with 1. As for 2, the reading I've done leads me to understand that kids this age are often too young to understand time outs. It might seem simple, but it's actually a fairly complex idea.

You know, I've wondered about this. It is a rather complex thing to connect, and my reading suggested the same thing. But I've also been seeing threads on here about mammas using time outs and smacks effectively. Might have got me having unrealistic expectations.

britbratjf · March 2014

No advice on 1 but for 2 could you ask her to hand you the food she doesn't want instead? Dagny has gotten pretty good at doing this. I don't think Dagny would really get the concept of time out either.

Pleione · March 2014

You guys, now I feel guilty for the few time outs I have given her. It's so hard not to get mad... you tell her no, and she'll look you right in the eye and keep doing it in true psychopathic fashion. We've tried asking her to hand the offensive item to us, but I guess we're not fast enough to take it off her hands. I mean she'd hand her entire dinner to us if she could, so we take our time taking it away hoping at least some of it would get eaten.

Pleione · March 2014

summergirl1211 said:

Yeah, I'm not much help with issue #1 either since Riley does a good combination of independent play and playing with us. Does your kid go to daycare or do you SAH with her?

As for #2, we haven't tried time outs yet because I know Riley wouldn't understand them. We've reached the point of removing her food completely if she starts throwing it. Usually she only throws the food once she has eaten the majority of what she wants anyway, and she never seems hungry later on. GL!

H and I have jobs that allow us both to SAH with her so maybe that's spoiled her a bit. We're going to have to work on this.

Pleione · March 2014

I tend to give her a choice between a couple of things. And oh yes, I've tried playing with her and moving on. She notices immediately. I've also tried getting her to involve her dolls/ bears in her play. She'll say "bear play!" and then try for a few minutes to hold its hand and make it put a block somewhere, and then look at it disgustedly when it sits there doing nothing.

Manda+Chase said:

Have you tried playing with her for a little bit, then you moving on to something else while she continues to play? Also, does she pick what she plays with, or are you choosing for her? I'm probably just lucky, but my son is really good at independent play. I let him choose what he wants to do (within reason) and then let him play. He comes to me when he wants me to join him, and I will for a bit, but then I move on. He will happily play for 30 minutes by himself, but he knows I'm right there if he wants me to play with him.

Pleione · March 2014

mightybee said:

I tried TOs a few times with no luck. He just laughed at me and thought we were playing a game. I agree that's it's very hard to try not to lose your cool when LO is testing your limits. Lately, when D does something inappropriate, I get down on his level, tell him to look at me if he's not, and tell him in simple words what he did wrong and what he can do instead. Something like, "we don't throw our food. When you're done, give you plate to mommy." He definitely doesn't catch on right away, but I am slowly seeing progress or at least attempts to do the appropriate behavior (our biggest issue right now is hitting the dogs ). It helps me to remember that they are just learning right now and my job is to keep reinforcing the right behavior, no matter how frustrating it becomes!

I do all this too, and nothing. In fact I just lost it with her just now - we were in the car and she flung her cup full of milk on the ground. She got a stern telling off. Two minutes later she grabbed the cup from my hands and flung it over on the other side of the car. When I told her off again, she actually laughed at me! I've been ignoring her since.

I hope we see some of the progress you've made over time.

Pleione · March 2014

mightybee said:That sounds very frustrating! Don't get me wrong--there are still plenty of frustrating days over here! How did she respond to you ignoring her? That works for me sometimes--especially when I can see that my negative attention towards him is egging him on. Hang in there lady!

Thanks

And she probably has no idea I'm ignoring her. H could see I was getting mad and took her off to a play centre for some father daughter time. I wouldn't be surprised if they return with some craft project that says "sorry mama" or some such thing.

michaela080 · March 2014

I do time outs just to practice for when he does understand more. I want him to be used to it. He doesn't need them often though, just when he continues doing something after I tell him not to several times and even physically remove him.

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