WWYD?

DublinMama · March 2014

My SIL had to go to a wake for her former boss this weekend. He died of a rare form of cancer, and she was close with his daughter as well. Despite the fact that I was staying at her house and offered, and my brother was also home, she took her two girls (2 and 1) to the wake with her. I was surprised for a couple of reasons.

1. My 2 year old niece is very bright and "with it." So I asked SIL what she planned on telling her if it was in fact an open casket. She told me she didn't think it would be because I guess he looked pretty bad toward the end. She was right, and he was cremated with an urn at the front of the viewing room.
2. Is a wake an appropriate place for children of that age? I'm not judging (and I'm really not, because we all know I say flat out when I am lol). SIL told me that people would "want to see the girls." Really? At a wake for someone else not even related to you, people would want to see your children? I mean they're very cute, but I can't say that seeing someone's two kids would make my father's wake any easier. Plus, SIL told me that my 2 yo niece popped a squat on the praying kneeler in front of the urn and used it as a chair. Knowing my SIL, I'm sure it wasn't allowed to continue for more than few seconds, but still....I'm sort of befuddled.

So what say ye, ladies? Yay or nay for small toddlers at a wake? I was 8 when I attended my first one, and it was my great grandmother's, so it was family. And the one wake I did go to just this past summer, I paid the babysitter to watch DS because from my view, babies are sort of unpredictable and attention grabbers, whether you want them to be or not. So a wake is not the place for them. Again, I don't think it was "bad" per se that they were there. But I can't say I'd make the same choice, either.

tamarar5 · March 2014

I would probably take my kids, but more from lack of other options. Dd is 7 and really kind of understand, thanks to dealing with a cousin who died after birth, and the loss of our own baby. She was more upset that our baby didn't get a funeral, though.

If it was someone that the kids were close to, I would probably take them.

TarheelMama202 · March 2014

I say definite "nay" on this unless it's family.

TarheelMama202 · March 2014

So, I consulted my pal Emily Post on this one (yep, I dragged her into this), and this is what she had to say:

"

Children

Children should be encouraged to attend the ceremonies surrounding the death of a family member or close friend to whatever degree they feel comfortable. Children learn through these experiences that death is a natural part of life and that rites are observed when someone dies.

Always consider a child's age before taking her to a funeral, memorial service, or a prolonged visitation. Because young children can become restless or have trouble staying quiet, you may choose to have them stay at home with a sitter, or bring a sitter who can take them home if needed.

Older children should sit with their family, closest to whomever can give them the most comfort. The children should wear clothing that's age appropriate and similar in style to that worn by adult family members. Generally, children do not wear black."

DublinMama · March 2014

TamaraR4 said:

I would probably take my kids, but more from lack of other options. Dd is 7 and really kind of understand, thanks to dealing with a cousin who died after birth, and the loss of our own baby. She was more upset that our baby didn't get a funeral, though. If it was someone that the kids were close to, I would probably take them.

Ok...but what if it wasn't? Like what if it was your old boss who they had never met? And you had two options for child care? Seven at a wake feels different to me than 2 and 1 I guess. As does a cousin vs. a man they do not know. I mean my 1 yo niece would have no idea where she was. But other people would know she was there...I guess it's like that "baby at a baby shower" social thing, too. There are no right or wrongs, just differents?

wifeofadam · March 2014

I wouldn't take mine unless it was family or I had no other childcare options. And only because I would fear that they would misbehave and I wouldn't be able to give my proper sympathies/respect to the person I was there for. We took all of the kids to DH's grandma's showings and funeral in 2012 and it was a disaster. They did well at the showing, but only because there were a million other kids there (DH's family is very prolific) and they had arrangements there for all of the kids (a special cry room and snacks). I only lasted ten minutes into the service at the funeral because my youngest was all over the place in the chair. I ended up roaming the hallway with half of his other cousins and their rowdy kids.

mishka29 · March 2014

I know my sister took her girls to one. People actually really enjoyed having them there because they really lightened the mood. I heard that directly from the son of the deceased. That being said, the deceased was 99 years old and everyone was family.

wifeofadam · March 2014

I didn't mention the casket part. My boys were 4 and 5, DD1 was 2, at the time of the funeral. They were oddly fascinated with DH's grandma in the casket. We thoroughly explained our beliefs before attending the showing, so they knew it was just a body there. It wasn't scary to them at all. I think that as long as you prepare them for what they are going to see, it isn't that bad.

tamarar5 · March 2014

My cousin's daughter died at 8 days from complications at birth. I didn't take C to the funeral. I was able to leave her with DH to go to school. But we talked about it, so I guess my previous answer was misleading. I WOULD take my kids now because we really don't have any other options.

Is it possible she brought the kids to comfort her boss's daughter? You said that they were close. It was really hard for my cousin and his wife to see babies, and no one brought them to the funeral, but within days after, Sue was asking after all her friends's children. Brian had a harder time with kids for a while.

nlp1990 · March 2014

My great grandma passed away last Friday. While I had a great relationship with her and she obviously met and loved her great great grandson, I will not be taking E to the service on Saturday. I asked my aunt to watch him and bring him to me after, during the luncheon. I think he will bring a smile to people durning the lunch part.

I want to be able to grieve the loss of my grandma with out the distraction of my 13 month old and I think others at the service would want the same.

BUT my mom passed when I was 12. My little sister was 8 and if I remember correctly there were a few of her friends who came with their parents to the church service.

tamarar5 · March 2014

@nlp1990‌ I'm sorry for your loss!

I think it depends on each situation. I was 5 at my first funeral. My grandfather passed away. I remember nothing about it. I was thirteen at the next one, and a very dear friend's grandmother passed away. Her grandparents had just taken her and I to the OK State Fair days before and we had one of the best weekends of my life.

The first funeral my younger siblings went to was out little brother's. I was 15, brother 14, sister A was 10, sister K was 6. It was extremely traumatic to them. I don't think any of us know how we would react until the situation presents itself.

I'm sorry for your sister's loss.

nlp1990 · March 2014

Thank you! I was blessed enough to spend some time with her last week. She lived a happy and healthy 95 years!

ericalee27 · March 2014

My grandmother passed a few weeks ago and I did not bring either of my sons. We had a visitation, long mass, burial...they likely would not have done well and would have gotten really restless. I had to give the eulogy and didn't want DS2 crying for me...sigh

babywisher · March 2014

I would not at that age. My very close cousin passed away a year ago today. I didn't take ds to the services. I did however take dd. She was only a month old and was nursing. If she wasn't nursing I would not have brought her either. Just because I wouldn't want anything to disrupt the service.

kelly321 · March 2014

I'm guessing she meant her co-workers would want to see the kids, not the family. I'm guessing, anyway, since that would just make more sense.

I guess I'm pretty flexible about who should be there and agree that, if it's not a sudden, tragic death, children can help lighten the mood. However, when DH's grandmother died last year just about 5 weeks after DD2 was born, I stayed home with the girls and DH went alone. I was just not prepared to deal with handling two children at a funeral. It was more for the sake of my own sanity that I kept us at home and told DH to go on his own.

DH's grandfather died when he was 15. When he told me that his parents wouldn't let him look in the casket, I admit that I found that a little strange. At 15, I think it's ok to look at the face of your dead grandfather. 2 years old, though? There should definitely be some explaining going on beforehand.

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