Family visiting issue

RebeccaY1 · March 2014

I moved 9 hours away from my parents, in-laws, and friends about a week before I got pregnant. Now I'm 37w5d along. My parents are super excited and really want to know when to come for a visit. They prematurely purchased airplane tickets and booked a hotel room without discussing it with us. Since we would have to be the 'chauffeurs' and pick them up from the airport and drive them back and forth to their hotel, my DH let them know they should probably get a rental car or cancel, we also told them a better time to visit.

My dad emailed to let us know he cancelled their plans. Since then we haven't heard back about the alternate plans. I didn't want them to be upset, but I also know that my DH can't be waiting at the airport to pick them up if I'm in labour and need to go to the hospital. I think the response we gave them despite their lack of discussion about visiting was fair and honest. Despite our honesty it feels like we're being frozen out and that they are seriously angry.

Now I worry that this drama will ruin the excitement I feel surrounding the birth of the baby. I'm not even sure what to say to them. I'm just stressed out and frustrated that somehow instead of concentrating on a wonderful birth I'm only thinking about the needs and wants of others.

julesf817 · March 2014

How did they know when to book the tickets and room for? What if the baby was late or early? Seems with that kind of travel it would make the most sense for them to wait until the baby is born and then book their tickets. and get a rental car for sure.

pdilly2b · March 2014

FWIW, you were completely spot on with what you told them. I'd say they need their own car whenever they visit so they are not relying on you to entertain them 100% of the time. I can't imagine this won't all blow over once the baby is here. I'd just try not to let it bother you until the baby is out, and then maybe suggest a time frame for a visit when you are telling them about the birth.

iqwedding3 · March 2014

Maybe they're just embarrassed? I would be a bit. Or maybe just waiting to figure out what they want to do.

FWIW I totally agree with your position, visitors needs to be self sufficient.

Nicolewinsbingo · March 2014

Did they lose hundreds of dollars in having to cancel their plans? They obviously should have talked to you first, but having them cancel might have been too harsh. Perhaps they could have just gotten a rental car and only visited a set amount per day. It stinks that you are facing family dramawhen you should be worrying about your new baby. Perhaps YOU (not DH, these are your parents) should talk to them & tell them that you do want them around & can't wait for them to meet the baby, but that you think they should wait until the birth to rebook so that they can be here once you're home from the hospital and able to take visitors. I think they probably feel incredibly hurt right now.

MJC1116 · March 2014

I don't know the nature of your relationship with your parents, but I could imagine that my parents would have hurt feelings if the message came from MH instead of from me. I think what he said was perfectly acceptable, but maybe they felt it should have come from you. (Then again, I come from a very sensitive, guilt-heavy family, so maybe it's just me

)

In any case, I think it would be best to just talk it out with your parents. Be honest with them about your feelings and let them share with you theirs. Ultimately the decision is yours and your H's as to when you'd like them to visit. Remember that they are excited, too, but they should also adhere to your requests as this is your child. Plus, as PPs stated, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense for them to plan something around your due date given early/late birth of LO. Just communicate with them and you should be able to come up with a solution, or at least help them to gain a clearer view of your requests.

Pepper6 · March 2014

It seems like they had enough foresight to know that they couldn't stay with you, so why would they have assumed that you would be their chauffeurs? I mean, a rental car on top of flights and hotels couldn't have been that much more, and it kind of seems like a no-brainer.

Anyways, I'm sorry they seem angry, but they absolutely should have discussed their plans with you before booking anything. Hopefully they will get over it quickly and will be just as excited about everything when they do come to visit. And make sure they get a car when they re-book. Even if it's a few weeks later, it still won't be convenient for your H to have to drop everything to pick them up and drop them off their entire visit...

RebeccaY1 · March 2014

MJC1116 said:

I don't know the nature of your relationship with your parents, but I could imagine that my parents would have hurt feelings if the message came from MH instead of from me. I think what he said was perfectly acceptable, but maybe they felt it should have come from you. (Then again, I come from a very sensitive, guilt-heavy family, so maybe it's just me )

In any case, I think it would be best to just talk it out with your parents. Be honest with them about your feelings and let them share with you theirs. Ultimately the decision is yours and your H's as to when you'd like them to visit. Remember that they are excited, too, but they should also adhere to your requests as this is your child. Plus, as PPs stated, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense for them to plan something around your due date given early/late birth of LO. Just communicate with them and you should be able to come up with a solution, or at least help them to gain a clearer view of your requests.

My family doesn't have the type of relationship that you describe. My parents considered my DH to be their son the minute we got married. I don't think it had anything to do with him sending the message.

Unfortunately, I do have the type of relationship where my parents only hear what they want to hear, whereas my DH doesn't put up with that. They tend to talk to me because I usually will bend to their will and end up unhappy myself. It's not that they are mean, it's just that they think I'm more of a pushover and think they can do this type of behaviour and get away with it. This is really the first time that we've said no. In the past we have been their chauffeurs and drove them around, planned activities, and entertained them. I just know that this time is different and it won't happen.

At this point I'm angry that the focus has become about them and their needs and wants. The pregnancy is really about the baby and my health, and then about excitement and happiness not stress, anger, and semi-manipulation even if it was unintended.

flockofmoosen3 · March 2014

I agree with the others before me. Regardless of when they arrive, I think that all visitors must be self-sufficient and be able to entertain and feed themselves. Since they are your parents, you should just talk to them and make suggestions about when they can reschedule. You don't have to wait until after baby arrives to have this conversation.

I have a similar issue, but we've all finally agreed that whenever baby girl decides to arrive, that's when the driving and flying starts. Anything planned before that is a crap-shoot, haha!

RebeccaY1 · March 2014

Jules51814 said:

How did they know when to book the tickets and room for? What if the baby was late or early? Seems with that kind of travel it would make the most sense for them to wait until the baby is born and then book their tickets. and get a rental car for sure.

They randomly picked 10 days after the due date. In theory if everything worked out as planned, then it's a reasonable time to pick. The baby would be born, we'd be finished at the hospital and have been home for a few days. But, I've learned that labour doesn't seem to go as planned very often. I'm not sure what their reaction would be if they were stuck waiting at the airport because I went into labour and there was no one to pick them up. Nor am I sure how we would communicate this with them since none of us has international cell phones (ours only work to call USA numbers, and theirs only work to call Canadian numbers).

iqwedding3 · March 2014

Jules51814 said:

How did they know when to book the tickets and room for? What if the baby was late or early? Seems with that kind of travel it would make the most sense for them to wait until the baby is born and then book their tickets. and get a rental car for sure.

They randomly picked 10 days after the due date. In theory if everything worked out as planned, then it's a reasonable time to pick. The baby would be born, we'd be finished at the hospital and have been home for a few days. But, I've learned that labour doesn't seem to go as planned very often. I'm not sure what their reaction would be if they were stuck waiting at the airport because I went into labour and there was no one to pick them up. Nor am I sure how we would communicate this with them since none of us has international cell phones (ours only work to call USA numbers, and theirs only work to call Canadian numbers).

Use google voice.

Nicolewinsbingo · March 2014

They could get a taxi if you just so happened to be in labor when their plane gets in.

hfooter · March 2014

Just communicate with them instead of trying to figure it out on your own what they are feeling/thinking. Right now you're just wasting energy on something that may not even be as big of an issue as you think.

Want a personalized experience?

Family visiting issue

Re: Family visiting issue

Choose Another Board

Search Boards