Setting boundaries with sensitive people - need advice!

2-Step · March 2014

My MIL retired and moved about a day's drive away about a year ago. Since then she has scheduled monthly visits to stay with us in our 1500 sq ft 3 bedroom house. Each time she stays the trips have been getting longer and longer, until this time it was over a week. So basically I have a houseguest in my home for one out of every three weeks. On top of that I work from home and the only place for her to stay is in my office, so it's awkward and difficult to work. She is great with the kids and I love her dearly, but I need to find a way to tell her it is too much. She has an extremely low self esteem and honestly I can't say what she would do if we told her it was too much, but I do know it will seriously effect her emotional health. One reason she is visiting each month is to schedule a number of monthly Drs appointments here, which she says are mandatory (I believe one is a psych). There is a past history of depression and very irrationally low thoughts about her self and her importance to her family. I am at the end of my rope, but DH and I are both really not sure how to deal with this. I hate to put him in the situation of saying something because we both know she will be devastated by it and we both know it is not rational. On the other hand it was her choice to move that far away and we just don't have the room or the desire to have a house guest every three weeks! It is very difficult to parent with her here because she spoils the kids and they get whatever they want with her, even behind my back. That's fine if it were occasional grandparent spoiling, but I feel that one out of three weeks per month is sending mixed messages to them and it also makes me lose my one-on-one time with them.

I feel very stuck. I think there isn't a good answer, but I'm asking for any advice anyone has on dealing with overly sensitive people and setting boundaries. I find it very easy to set boundaries with overbearing people who try to overpower things, but with someone who is emotionally fragile and I love it is very difficult. For instance she will tip toe around and apologize for everything she does while she is here, but what I really want her to care about is that it's just inappropriate to visit so often, yet she doesn't seem to understand that AT ALL. HELP!

orangecrayon · March 2014

What about having a conversation with her and seeing if she could move back into the area, maybe somewhere close by? Then it's not as harsh as kicking her out since it's a sensitive subject

2-Step · March 2014

orangecrayon said:

What about having a conversation with her and seeing if she could move back into the area, maybe somewhere close by? Then it's not as harsh as kicking her out since it's a sensitive subject

She can't. She quit her job and bought a place out there with a guy who would never move. She has no money and no way of support except him.

djm31012 · March 2014

My cousin had this same issue with her ex MIL who suffered from bi polar disorder. You just need to be direct but sympathetic. You can even phrase it in a way that is like "my days have been long and I am having a hard time and I just want these days/nights with my babies to myself...its so helpful when you come, but would love to have it be more bi monthly, rather than monthly." Make sure you put something positive in there about how much you love having her and how much it helps you guys out. If you work fromhome and shes staying in your home office, I would find that very difficult to be productive.

Avion22 · March 2014

Why can't she do the doctors appointments where she lives? Surely it would be easier to not have to make a two-day round trip every third week to see her doctors.

Regardless, I think your husband should be the one having the conversation with his mom. Just tell her that her visits aren't working anymore and see if you can find another solution (switching doctors, staying somewhere else besides your home, moving back to be closer, making less frequent/shorter visits).

emberlee3 · March 2014

You WFH and she stays in your office? This is untenable. I would approach it as the family enjoys having her around, but your office is not available for guests, period. Have DH discuss with her and come up with alternative solutions. For purely family-related visits, maybe you could pay for a hotel every other month or so.

VOR · March 2014

I agree with trying to put a positive spin on it. A "we love having you visit", but then state that it needs to be for no more than 3 days (or whatever you are o.k. with). And I'd make it about the kids. They love her, but it's upsetting to their schedules to have someone around for a full week EVERY month. And add in the factor that you WFH - it's just become very tight.

AND yes, this needs to be your DH having this talk. You can be there, but I feel he needs to tackle this.

I understand you don't want to upset her, but you have to realize that on some level, she WILL be upset. While you don't want to push her too hard, you also simply aren't responsible for her feelings.

ASmallWonder · March 2014

I think I'd need to know HOW she comes to stay for a week. Like, is she asking? Is she showing up with no return date discussed? Because if she's calling and saying "I'd like to come visit next week" your simple reply is "That's great but only M, T and W work for us and then we can schedule something in a few weeks."

VOR · March 2014

elmoali said:

I think I'd need to know HOW she comes to stay for a week. Like, is she asking? Is she showing up with no return date discussed? Because if she's calling and saying "I'd like to come visit next week" your simple reply is "That's great but only M, T and W work for us and then we can schedule something in a few weeks."

This is actually a great point too. How this all comes to fruition might give you a little leverage too.

2-Step · March 2014

elmoali said:

I think I'd need to know HOW she comes to stay for a week. Like, is she asking? Is she showing up with no return date discussed? Because if she's calling and saying "I'd like to come visit next week" your simple reply is "That's great but only M, T and W work for us and then we can schedule something in a few weeks."

Well so far it's been a string of events like the first month was just to visit, second month was my DS's birthday, third month christmas, fourth month her son's bday, then the last few she has just basically said - I have an appointment set up on X date, so I was wondering if that would work or if not i can change it to another day of the week, no real question about her coming, just saying she needs a place to stay and when would be the best time of the month. We don't really have something specific going on so we struggle to say no because she also goes out of her way to help with dishes and cleaning and makes it known she doesn't want to impose and will be "out of our hair" but just needs a place to stay. She could definitely work with someone closer to home and needs to think about doing that. DH will have the conversation, I just wanted to give him some ideas on how to approach her.

There is a history of suicide in her family and she has been exhibiting some of the same emotional traits as her family member who went down that path. Not saying I think she would ever do that, but it is something we think about when we approach things with her. More likely she would just be horribly upset and never try to visit again. For instance, she folded my kids clothes the last time she was here and she then freaked out a couple weeks later and was so upset and called saying she knows she crossed boundaries and hopes we still want to see her and she will never ever do it again and hopefully we can forgive her. . . I honestly was grateful and thanked her genuinely and hadn't given it a second thought, but she was obsessing about me being mad at her for it that whole time because she decided in her head she did something wrong. So, she overanalyzes and creates reasons why she thinks we are mad at her or she did something wrong already. This conversation is going to be tough.

ASmallWonder · March 2014

There's a history of instability in my family as well so I understand wanting to tread lightly. But I agree with the poster who said you can't let her happiness override yours and this clearly isn't working. When she calls and says she has an appointment on Wednesday you can always say "The kids are going to love seeing you! So, you'll be coming Tuesday through Friday that week? We'll let them know!"

*sparky* · March 2014

You can do so gently, but you obviously need to set boundaries. It sounds like her visits continue to get longer, and she has gotten to the point where she is basically telling you vs. asking.

First, decide with your DH what the boundaries should be and stick to them. Second, have your DH have the conversation with her, not you.

You can use your work as an excuse - that you need that space in order to work and you love having her there, but could she cut her visits shorter. Also, as far as the spoiling goes, you do need to talk to her about it if she is seeing your kids regularly. Tell her what limits you guys have set for the kids and ask for her help in reinforcing them. You don't have to say "you have been spoiling my kids and they are turning into terrors because of it". Just say "we have been having an issue with XYZ and are addressing it by...If you could help us enforce that it would be great."

Sh does sound extremely insecure and I deal with some of the same stuff with my dad. He is around my DS a lot and I have to be very careful how I approach issues with him. But because he is insecure he is also a people pleaser so if I talk to him in the right way he is more than happy to help however we need him to.

GL! It sounds like a sticky situation to be sure but you definitely have to tackle it or she will be there more and more.

Curls218 · March 2014

No advice on how to handle the conversation (I, myself, am keeping my fingers crossed my mom doesn't ever ask to move in with us because I have no reason to say no other than reasons similar to why you don't want your MIL staying all the time) but if she's asking if certain days work, maybe see if she can do her appts on a Friday or Monday and just come for a long weekend so it's just 1 day that you are trying to work in the office?

SunAndRain · March 2014

First there is a major difference between being "sensitive" and having clinical depression (or some other mental health diagnosis). So how to approach a sensitive person might be quite different than how one should approach someone who could potentially become suicidal.

I wonder if your husband might attend a psych appointment with her to have the therapist help her understand that this isn't about "her" but rather more about the space and privacy her son's family needs... And how and where she fits in to all that.

I agree with PP that a monthly visit on the weekends from ILs is reasonable. But having visitors during the workweek, even if you don't WFH is a whole different ballgame. Also, after 3 days guests, like fish, begin to smell. So I'm with you there 100%!

WTH does she need to attend her grown son's b-day celebration?? Did I read that right?

Again, if she doesn't respond to the, "Great! We are excited to see you however only Wednesday-Friday will work for us," then I'd encourage DH to ask her if they could speak to the therapist together to do a "family health check"

2-Step · March 2014

Thank you all so much for your advice. DH will be having this conversation soon and I'll update how it goes. I'm not sure if she is clinically depressed, but I don't think so. She's in an emotionally manipulative relationship so I wonder if sometimes she is trying to escape that.

Want a personalized experience?

Setting boundaries with sensitive people - need advice!

Re: Setting boundaries with sensitive people - need advice!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards