I don't know how to be a friend.... (pregnancy mentioned)

veetveet · March 2014

I lost my little boy at 27 weeks (termination due to CHD)- 5 weeks ago tomorrow. I am doing alright. Some days are ok and others are tough.

I have completely isolated myself from my group of friends. I just can't face them or talk to them and I just don't know why. I took a stab at calling my closest friend 2 weeks ago (She is pregnant with twins- IVF). All she did was talk about her pregnancy- how she started bleeding had to go to the ER at 17 weeks, She made a comment that wasn't intended maliciously but I am so sensitive right now- everything hurts. "If you get the urge you can borrow one of mine". And proceeded to tell me that her cousin is pregnant. Don't get me wrong - we talked about me as well. We also talked about how she originally had triplets and had to terminate one for medical reasons and comparing the procedure they had to stop the heart of a 13/14 week baby vs my 27 week (very active) baby. It is a loss- yes- BUT- IT IS VERY DIFFERENT- they may have used the same medication to stop the hearts, and we may have been referred to the same high risk clinic and had the procedure done at the same hospital- but she didn't get to feel her baby fight needles - or deliver a stillborn- Which I told her. She remains pregnant- I do not. I grieve daily. She does not.

I sent her a congrats message today- as she announced the sex of the babies today on facebook- and we briefly chatted over text. She told me she misses me and that she is scared to lose my friendship. I told her that I just can't handle pregnancy things right now (I am fine with strangers I see that are pregnant- I may get a little mopey sometimes) and that what she said about "borrowing a baby" really hurt me. She felt really bad and apologized and said she would leave me alone until I am ready.

It is not that I am not happy for them- but is it bad that I just don't give a shit right now? I don't want to hear it or see it or talk about it? I know their issues and IVF is heart wrenching and these are my oldest and closest friends....am I being a jerk?

Don't be afraid to tell me I am out of line.

veetveet · March 2014

Oh my- sorry so long!

kflynn81 · March 2014

No, I don't think you're being a jerk. You're entitled to feel the way you do. I have quite a few friends who are pregnant right now, many of them were from IVF or other infertility treatments. Its really difficult especially for me , having gone through IVF as well and still being empty handed and empty hearted. I've pulled away from mostly all my friends...honestly even the ones that aren't pregnant just if they have kids in general. I'm hopeful this will change someday but for now thats where I'm at. I think in this time , what we're going through, our true friends will understand if we're withdrawn.

milb11 · March 2014

I don't think you are being a jerk. You shouldn't have to pretend to be OK with pregnancy stuff, especially with good friends. It is definitely hard to be happy for someone who still has hope for their pregnancy or gets to take their baby home. My friend from high school and I were due 10 days apart. We had talked about our baby boys being best friends. When she texted me to tell me she had had him, she followed with a statement that "delivery was no joke". I wanted to say just be effing grateful that you get to take him home. Instead I just said congrats.

Maybe Joleisa · March 2014

I don't think you're being a jerk, but that might be coming from a jerk since I've been wanting to ask something similar on here, as well. Your loss is very different from hers and I'm sorry she is trying to compare them.

The way I see it is that pregnant women have plenty of others to squee over them and surely they won't miss my squee. While I am happy for them, my happiness is over-shadowed by my sadness for my own situation. On a similar note, I am totally fine if they do not squee over any future (very hopeful) pregnancy of mine! Support is a 2-way street and I sometimes feel bad, but self-preservation comes first and right now being around friends who are pregnant or have newborns is not my thing. I can 'Like' and comment on FB pics, but in person? No thanks!

Kudos to you for letting her know what she was hurtful. I think that is why I stay away from my pregnant friends, as well. Of course they deserve to complain, but surely I am their worst audience ever as I would give anything to be: sleep deprived, spit up on, day-care poor, etc...

On another note, I did reach out to a friend today on FB and I got a picture of her 10w u/s back in her message.

OSUWifey09 · March 2014

***SIGGY***

Do not EVER feel like you're being a jerk. You're grieving, and what you're going through is natural. People who don't get it have no right to judge you at all [and I know your friend probably wasn't judging you].

My best friend was pregnant when I lost Devon, and I had to pull away. She and I have been friends since 5th grade, and I'm her son's godmother...but seeing her was too much for me. I saw her twice between my loss and the time her baby was born - at Devon's memorial and to drop off baby things I didn't need anymore. Both times, I bawled my eyes out. She was so supportive of me and didn't talk about her pregnancy unless I asked [which I did - I was genuinely interested in her well-being and the baby but had to talk about it on my own terms]. I was supposed to throw her baby shower, but I backed out. I couldn't do it. I don't regret staying away, because I had to in order to heal - and you shouldn't feel guilty or like a jerk, either.

I also blocked status updates from my friends who were pregnant. I didn't want to see their growing bellies and ultrasound pictures, so I just stopped following their feeds. It's not easy being in our shoes, so you do what you need to in order to heal and move forward. My hope is that your friend will truly understand that you need your time to heal, and that she will be there when you need her. *hugs*

princezjk · March 2014

***Sig Warning***

You are not a jerk at all. Not even a little bit. Frankly, I find your friend's behavior rather selfish. She says she doesn't want to lose your friendship and sort of seems to put the responsibility for that on you. As your friend, she should recognize your grief and be mindful of what she can do to preserve the friendship, even if that means some space. It isn't about what she wants or needs. I am sorry you have to deal with this. And FWIW, I still have a hard time with pregnant women. I have a lot of people hidden from my FB feed and just feel like people who haven't experienced late term loss don't always get it. Sending you lot of ((((HUGS))))

LyndseyTS · March 2014

I don't think you are being a jerk at all. Unless your friend has gone through it, there is no way that anyone can really understand. The closest we come is someone else experiencing something the same or similar, and even those experiences will never be identical for each of us. Your friend needs to understand that you need time. It's so hard to go from expectation and excitement to a total u-turn in dealing with the loss of our little one's and all that they could have been. I like to think on the positive side, and would guess that she's just trying to relate, but it's definitely not helpful at all because it's really not the same. Don't feel badly and take all of the space that you need. True friends will be there in the end and be sensitive to your needs, whatever they are.

LyndseyTS · March 2014

@ikrystal - I echo that. It's so hard to see people complain about their little ones. Not to say that I wouldn't in the same place (I am not so holier-than-though to believe that little things wouldn't get on my nerves), but it just such a tough place to be in when you would give anything to have those "challenges". My sister is one of the worst offenders and brought her less-than-year old daughter to our daughter's funeral without even checking in. That was seriously hurtful. Not trying to steal the feed, your point just really resonated with me.

JessicaG220 · March 2014

**siggy warning**

I think you have every right to feel and act the way you do. I totally get where you're coming from. I am almost a year out and I still can't be around pregnant women or babies. I have lost touch with several people who were pregnant around the same time as I was because I can't handle the thought that they brought their babies home and I didn't. People who have not been through what we've been through do not get it. Of all people, my mom doesn't even understand why I can't be around my cousin who announced in January that she's expecting. She's 3 years younger than me, her husband does drugs, and she got pregnant accidentally. It hurts to think that I should have my daughter with me, and instead my irresponsible cousin will likely bring a living baby into the world before me. But do not feel like you're being out of line. You are entitled to feel any way you want. Lots of hugs to you.

ikrystal · March 2014

@lyndseyts - she should have checked with you before bringing a child to your baby's funeral. I am so sorry. That must have been so hard to deal with on top of everything else

Jellybean71514 · March 2014

I too understand your anger and can relate I've been shutting people out that have babies I just do not want to be around them or hear the conversations about their little ones. My future sister in law just had a baby 2 months ago and has been reaching out repeatedly and I feel guilty not responding but I honestly do not want to be around her baby or her kids and I don't want to hurt her or my fiancé by saying that out loud although I did tell him that yesterday when he tried getting me to go to his moms when the baby was there and I did I didn't want to be around her- he understood it's hard but he's able to do it, I just can't. I am ok around toddlers but the babies I can't handle right now- you're totally normal for feeling like you do.

kz's_girlygirl · March 2014

You are definitely not being a jerk. You have to take care of yourself first, and that means choosing your feelings and your well being first. I've had to pull away from friends and even family members who have children or are pregnant, and I try not to feel guilty about that because it is what is best for me at this point. Every day is different, but try to go easy on yourself.

FWIW, I don't believe that one type of loss is 'worse' than another; they are all different and everyone feels that their personal experience is the most difficult situation. Your situation is the most difficult for you, and hers is the most difficult for her. Please know I'm not saying that to make an excuse for her, or to dismiss your feelings- I only say that because I think people mean well and want to help in whatever way they can, but they just can't most times. I've experienced people trying to share their own joys with me to bolster my spirits, but it just makes me more angry and/or upset.

I guess my point is, your feelings are totally normal, and I have been there too. Sometimes taking care of yourself is all you have the energy for, and that is perfectly OK. I'm thinking of you

bunnybun4 · March 2014

you are not a jerk at all. From being on this board, I can tell you that it is a very normal and natural reaction.

You are in survivor mode right now and need to take care of yourself and your emotions. I just let some of my close friends that were pregnant know that I needed space...I also told them that if I brought up the pregnancy then we could talk about it, but if I didn't I couldn't handle it at that moment.

People say really jerky things without meaning to...I am proud of you for telling her how it hurt you.

((hugs)) take care of yourself.

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I don't know how to be a friend.... (pregnancy mentioned)

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