Intro

JennyOR30 · March 2014

Good morning, so to speak. I'm not sure how any morning is good in my new normal. My name is Jennifer. My daughter, Carleigh, was born February 21st at 27 weeks, 6 days. Unfortunately, she had a sacrococcygeal teratoma which ruptured after she was born. The medical team at Children's worked nonstop on her for approximately 11 hours, but she just couldn't fight any longer. She left us while I was holding her in the wee hours of the morning on February 22nd.

I feel a gamut of emotions. I feel like my body has betrayed by wiping every visible sign that I was pregnant, leaving me with only my c-section scar and soreness.

I am starting a bereavement support group in a couple of weeks. It's a general bereavement as we don't have an infant loss support group in our area.

I've noticed though that friends feel like they can't text/call because they don't know what to say. I understand their point because unless you've experienced this, you don't know. It's just odd that those who checked on me daily while I was on bed rest towards the end of my pregnancy have suddenly gone silent.

Thanks for listening.

OSUWifey09 · March 2014

***SIGGY WARNING***

I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your sweet Carleigh. I also found that when I lost my son in 2012, people quit checking on me. As I healed and rejoined the outside world, they told me that they just didn't know what to say or how to help me. Part of me was so mad that they left me alone, and part of me liked it that way because that didn't give people the opportunity to say something completely stupid [like "You can have another one, right?" or "He's in a better place now"]. It does sting to feel like you're all alone, though.

Do know, though, that you are NOT alone - we're here. This board helped me get through losing my son, and I hope we can help you, too. I'm so sorry to welcome you here. *hugs*

JennyOR30 · March 2014

I really appreciate the support. I have had one sweet little (albeit crazy) lady from church tell me that "at least I didn't have to worry about her". I weakly smiled and nodded at her knowing she was referring to her 40 something year old drug addict son. However, I did soon excuse myself and walked away in tears because it just reminded me that I don't get to rock her to sleep or attend dance recitals or t-ball games.

I am a nurse by profession and have looked into grief counseling certification because like I said before, there is no loss groups for infant loss. Yes, I agree that a loss is a loss. However, there is something about losing a child that makes it just a bit different. Maybe I'm in the wrong for thinking that but it's simply my opinion.

Maybe Joleisa · March 2014

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter Carleigh. That is such a beautiful name. I have found support from unexpected acquaintances, as well as most friends. I do not get upset by friends who are not reaching out as often as others, as I'd rather have them say nothing than say the wrong thing.

I'm so sorry you have to be here, but these ladies are wonderful. ((Hugs))

Jellybean71514 · March 2014

I understand how you feel I've had a few friends make an attempt to text but I've been telling people I'm not up to talking because I know they don't know what to say or how I feel so I'm giving them a break from at least trying. This board has helped me most I think - I haven't looked into a support group in my area but for now I don't think I'm even ready to physically sit with people and talk because like you I feel like this is different than just losing someone you love ..the emotions are different, the pain and sometimes frustrated anger I feel is more about the life he didn't get to even start with me and my fiancé. I'm giving myself some time before I approach any friends and today was the first day I actually called my mom and it's been a week so think that's a start. Hugs to you and know you're not alone we are all here if you need us we all understand your pain.

bunnybun4 · March 2014

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter. Welcome to the board, please feel free to use it as much as you need to...we are all here for you.

I think we've all had people either not say anything or say completely awful things...it sucks enough to have to go through this but then to get comments/or not get comments can make you feel so alone. It is such a hard road.

((hugs))

VyD81 · March 2014

I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter, Carleigh. Many people either don't know what to say or often times say the wrong thing. Personally I rather not hear anything at all. The ladies on this board are wonderful and understanding. We will listen to you. Hugs.

OutOfStep81 · March 2014

--Ticker--

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Welcome and *hugs*

I know what you mean about people not checking on you after something like this. The same happened to me. I honestly believe people don't know what to say, so they don't say anything at all. I've had several people express that to me after keeping their distance. But I do know they never stop thinking about you.

Very single person who pulled away was genuinely thinking and praying for me constantly during that time. Just try to remember that when you notice their absence.

My body is also going back to normal. So I can relate to you there as well. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. This board is great though, please let us know how we can help.

Bgirma · March 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. Carleigh is a beautiful name.

This is a difficult journey but I've gotten so much support here. I hope the same for you. ((Hugs))

schulme2 · March 2014

I'm so sorry to welcome you here and so sorry for the loss of your sweet Carleigh. I think through this very difficult time you will come to learn a lot about your friends. In the beginning I didn't want to talk to anyone but now, even 10 months out, I still haven't really heard from a few people I thought were my friends. You will also learn who is a good friend. Again, I'm so sorry you're here but hope you will find some comfort among us ladies who can relate.

JennyOR30 · March 2014

I'm very understanding to people not saying anything because they don't know what to say, and it really doesn't bother me. I just find it odd. I really only talk to my mom and my husband. Church is hard because everyone wants to hug me and that makes me cry. I'm hoping to make it through a service at least once without becoming teary eyed. Mainly because the attention it draws makes me uncomfortable.

Noethola · March 2014

**ticker warning**

I'm so sorry to welcome you and so very sorry for the loss of your sweet Carleigh. The loss of a child is very unique. Someone once described it to me as a loss of the future, because you always think your children will outlive you.

I hope that your grief support groups is very helpful in your healing and grief journey, *Hugs*

LyndseyTS · March 2014

I too am sorry for the loss of your daughter, Carleigh. You have found a great group of women here who have been so helpful to me and I trust will be to you as well. It is strange to see how people in your life respond (or don't at all). Sometimes I find it frustrating, other times relief-giving that I don't have to say anything on my bad days. We are going to begin attending a support group as well.

We just held our daughter's funeral service last Sunday after church and I'm terrified to show up this week. I will, but I also fear drawing attention. It's nice to know that I'm not alone.

ikrystal · March 2014

I am so sorry for your loss. It is a wonderful idea to start a bereavement group. I am currently going through what you are - those closest to me have suddenly disappeared, not so much as a message from them to check on me in the past two months since my twins passed away. I know you will find much support on this board. I hate to say "welcome," because that has happier connotations to it that do not apply to these types of situations. Instead, I'm glad you found this board and I'm glad that you will find support here.

stefuge · March 2014

I am so sorry for your loss of sweet Carleigh. No one wants to join this club. Be gentle with yourself in the days to come, and just let yourself feel whatever you are feeling.

People will say and do hurtful things - it is inevitable and I'm so sorry. As PP have said, you will learn who your true friends are and who you can live without as you process your loss.

Please know we are here whenever you need us - these ladies are some of the strongest, most encouraging women, and we are here to help and listen. ((Hugs))

MCH77 · March 2014

Carleigh, what a beautiful name!!

I'm so sorry for your loss. ((Hugs))

Xath · March 2014

***ticker warning***

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter. I hope that you can find support here with us when you need it.

JennyOR30 · March 2014

I want to thank everyone for commenting on her name. I knew it was an unorthodox spelling of Carly, and a few had raised eyebrows but it was a combination of the middle names of the women in her family: me, my mother, and her 2 living great-grandmothers. Carolyn=Car and Leigh is my mother's and my middle name.

I'm nervous about church today. Since Carleigh's death, we've had communion, Ash Wednesday service, and a luncheon. We have another luncheon today to raise money for our upcoming women's retreat. Not to mention, I also teach our 4th and 5th grade Sunday school. My kids have been really great. It's amazing what they comprehend.

Thanks for listening

shandorfml2 · March 2014

I'm sorry for the loss of your sweet girl. I too had friends who went silent. They mean well but just don't get it. It's ok to tell them what you need, even if it's just "I don't know what to say". Big hugs sweetie, wish you didn't have to be part of this club.

milb11 · March 2014

I am so sorry for the loss of your Carleigh. I too have had friends that have pulled away which hurts. I am currently harboring some resentment towards them. My counselor is trying to help me understand that I should give it time, that some people just don't deal well with grief, so that's what I am trying to do. But at the same time I have friends who have really stepped up and for that I am grateful.

I understand why you feel like losing a child is a different type of loss. You have so many hopes and dreams for your child and for yourself as a mother.

I didn't expect to find much support on this board. I mostly just lurked for a while after my son's death. But I can honestly say reaching out to women who have experienced what I have has been comforting to me. They know how I am feeling and know just what to say. I hope this board brings you comfort as well.

mingaling2 · March 2014

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

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