MIL vent

gabbagal · March 2014

Sorry in advance for the long post:

Tonight, DH and I are seeing his parents (my in-laws) for the first time since Christmas (which was one week before my m/c). My DH was the one who called to tell them the sad news a couple of days after the loss. His mom wasn’t home so DH left word with his dad and asked him to pass the info along to his mom. That was January 6th. We never heard from his mom about it. Not even one call to say “sorry to hear” or “how can I help?” (they’re only one town over). This really upset me. What’s really strange is my MIL is a really sweet, caring woman normally, so this is just weird to me. DH thinks she wanted to give us space and was treating it as a very private mater, but in comparison, my mom called us pretty much every day to see how we were both doing (my husband also had just come home from a three day stay in the hospital from minor surgery which was a whole other trauma b/c he was still there when I started to m/c). I am super close to my parents and talk to them all the time, so I’m on the other extreme which may be affecting my view, but am I crazy to think she should’ve at least called once or sent a note or something? At first I thought maybe my FIL forgot to tell my MIL, but she made a small indirect reference to the m/c to DH about a month ago so I know she knows. So fast-forward to today and I am still bitter. I’m kind of stuck between not wanting to confront her (I know there was no malintent) and not being able to let it go. It should make for an interestingly awkward dinner. Thanks for listening/reading, it just helps to vent here.

KingLED · March 2014

My MIL is very caring and compassionate and is always there for me no matter what. But since H told her about our m/c back in November she hasn't said a single word about it. I know she cares and I know that if I talked to her she would definitely be there for me, but I haven't said anything to her so she's not bringing it up. I think that's the way a lot of people respond in an effort to not dwell on it or bring it up at the wrong time.

Maybe try to talk to her? Or just make a comment about it making you sad or something and see what she says before getting too upset.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time.

Pinkrose1012 · March 2014

**Live child ticker***

When I m/c most people did not say anything to me about the situation. I realized that it was because they did not want to bring it up in fear of making me upset. So, I calmly brought it up and my friends and family would then talk to me and say how sorry they were. I don't think that your MIL does not care, she probably doesn't want to make you more upset by talking about your m/c. I'm sorry you are going through this, sending T&Ps your way.

Maxsmommy123112 · March 2014

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I have said so many times on this board that part of the hurt I have felt after both my miscarriages is the pain of how people handle it, or lack there of. I TRY to put myself in their position but the truth is I have been in their position. People I knew miscarried before I ever did and even though I didn't understand what they were going through I did SOMETHING. I will be honest with you, it's hard for me to justify why someone can't simply send a card. There is no talking involved to say the wrong thing. It's a small gesture to know you're loved and thought of. It's the least someone can do!

I completely understand how you feel, obviously. I am so glad you have the support of your family. This whole thing has made me question a lot of things.

I have said things to people, directly, indirectly, told DH to say something and honestly I found it not to make much of a difference. Besides, don't you want her to care to say something and not be obligated to be there for you? Don't you think it will just make an issue and be another thing you have to deal with? I think it's more trouble than it's worth but that's just because of my experiences.

In my darkest moments I have come to realize the people that truly are here for DH and I. Their love and support is unconditional, and although few, those people are all I need.

I hope she finds it in HER own heart to surprise you and be a support to you and your husband.

barely · March 2014

I think that sometimes other people (especially close relatives) just don't know how to deal with it. My MIL went and told several family members (after we specifically asked her not to multiple times and she agreed). I was really hurt by that (and still am). Her excuse was That "she needed someone to talk to". My inlaws have been supportive, but is just don't think they really know how to deal with it. Sorry dear, I know the family stuff certainly doesn't help during such a difficult time. I would just try talking to her.

AggieBeth06 · March 2014

What does your DH think about it?

ETA - doh, you answered that.

I am not sure what to say.

I'm sorry she hurt you, and I do think it is wise to address it if you think it can be discussed without turning into an emotional battle. I think it could lead to resentment if you didn't see what happened.

But I also think that it has to be handled very carefully because you're upset and it's a sensitive issue.

gabbagal · March 2014

Thanks everyone. I know probably 90% of the relationship problems that I (and I'm sure others) have had to deal with around the m/c come from the fact that everyone is different and a lot of the angst and conflict is due to everyone having a different interpretation of what's best. I have expectations about what people should say or do that are different than what others think they should say to or do for me. I agree that she probably thinks talking about it would upset me, but again, I think at least an initial awknowledgement (like a card, as Maxsmommy123112 mentioned saying she's there if I want to talk) would've made a world of difference. Talking to my DH about our different grieving processes and what each of us has needed from each other has helped a lot, but I just didn't see having that converation with my MIL and now I feel like enough time has passed that it would be awkward.

@AggieBeth06 - I don't think DH thinks it's weird b/c they don't share as much as we do in my family. They don't talk as often and in his past experiences they have been somewhat stoic and don't like to burden others with their problems. Again, I think they are doing what they think is right and how they would probably expect things if the tables were turned. I just think there's a happy medium somewhere.

AggieBeth06 · March 2014

I think you are right, and I think you're seeing this from both sides which can lead you to that happy medium.

Without knowing the dynamic best, if I were in your shoes, I would try to wait until after this dinner and see what happens.

If it is not mentioned (and I might not be), then you have every right to bring it up to your DH.

I would recommend telling him what you just said - that you understand that his family handles things differently. You respect that is how they want to handle the things that feel like burdens in their lives, but you need something different. Explain, without getting too emotional if you can (make notes, plan ahead and rehearse if you have to) what you need from your MIL/FIL.

Do some thinking about what is a realistic expectation. What is the happy medium that you can see plausibly working out?

I think if it were my family, I would explain how I felt and what I needed from my ILs to my DH. I would talk with him to make sure he understands that you're not accusing - you know they don't mean anything malicious and I would explain that your goal is for a healthy long term relationship. Then if it were me, I would ask him to explain to his parents what you need.

I know that puts him in the middle, but that is inevitable IMO. He knows you best and he knows them best. If you two can come up with a plan for a "happy medium", then he is the best person to explain what you need from them.

Also you seem to be very reasonable about this. I think that some people never change and if they aren't able to give you what you need, I hope that you can find healing. If you never communicate what is needed, then you can never expect to confront and forgive the hurt.

Good luck and (((hugs))) to you.

AggieBeth06 · March 2014

In regards to people never changing - if it is communicated to them what you need and they can't give it to you, at least you know that. It still hurts, but you know not to expect it from them and can find comfort from someone else. I have personally found that to be be empowering to know. My grandma is a prickly person and although she intends well, I know there are certain things to expect from her and I have become callous to it in order to have a relationship with her. Sounds kind of screwed up, but I think we can't expect things from people who can't give them to us.

(((Hugs))) again. I'm sorry you're dealing with this on top of everything else.

chicagojackie · March 2014

First of all, the whole thing sucks. I'm sorry!!

I think maybe as some of the other posters have alluded to--you didn't tell her yourself, directly (not that there is anything wrong with that)--and so she may not feel comfortable discussing it with you or bringing it up since you didn't bring it to her yourself.

Also some families have a "culture" of not talking about certain topics or not bringing things up, etc. Since it is DH's family and you didn't grow up with them, you can be close to them but not *really* understand what their "culture" is and where they are coming from. Some people don't really send cards, either. (I love sending cards and doing stuff with stationery so I don't understand that at all but I know LOTS of people like that!)

It can be hard when your family is different from DH's family. Also your MIL is never going to be like your real mom, no matter how nice or caring or whatever she is--she is not your mom.

AggieBeth06 · March 2014

If you want to say, how did seeing them go?

gabbagal · March 2014

Thanks for asking @AggieBeth06 - It was mixed. They were pleasant and chatty and I was a little quieter than usual. It was clear they were not going to bring it up. The part that bothered me most is when they started asking my DH at the restaurant about how he's feeling post surgery (that I mentioned previously he had a few days before the m/c, the first week in January), whether he's eating and feeling back to normal, etc. Part of me wanted to passive aggressively blurt out, "I'm fine too, by the way, thanks for asking."

I think the worst was the car ride home b/c I decided to vent to my DH who probably didn't realize I was holding stuff in and I think he got annoyed b/c he doesn't fully understand why it bothers me so much and if so why I didn't say anything.

I still feel like bringing it up now wouldn't be constructive b/c what I needed was in the past and it would seem weird for me to say "next time, if I miscarry again, I would like x, y, and z" though I realize the only alternative to not bringing it up is to let it go, which I thought I could do, but apparently telling myself I am going to, and actually being able to, are different things. I also wonder if it's worth it to flat out tell her how her actions hurt my feelings when I know it will upset her b/c it's probably the last thing she meant to do. It seems that may be my only choice b/c clearly I'm not over it, and I don't want this feeling to fester any longer, especially since I know they are good, caring people by nature. I thought about asking DH to communicate to them, as suggested, but he's not so great at opening up and talking feelings so I think it would probably be best to come from me. Maybe a girls lunch with his mom would be in order, we'll see. Thanks again for asking about it.

AggieBeth06 · March 2014

gabbagal said:

Thanks for asking @AggieBeth06 - It was mixed. They were pleasant and chatty and I was a little quieter than usual. It was clear they were not going to bring it up. The part that bothered me most is when they started asking my DH at the restaurant about how he's feeling post surgery (that I mentioned previously he had a few days before the m/c, the first week in January), whether he's eating and feeling back to normal, etc. Part of me wanted to passive aggressively blurt out, "I'm fine too, by the way, thanks for asking."

I think the worst was the car ride home b/c I decided to vent to my DH who probably didn't realize I was holding stuff in and I think he got annoyed b/c he doesn't fully understand why it bothers me so much and if so why I didn't say anything.

I still feel like bringing it up now wouldn't be constructive b/c what I needed was in the past and it would seem weird for me to say "next time, if I miscarry again, I would like x, y, and z" though I realize the only alternative to not bringing it up is to let it go, which I thought I could do, but apparently telling myself I am going to, and actually being able to, are different things. I also wonder if it's worth it to flat out tell her how her actions hurt my feelings when I know it will upset her b/c it's probably the last thing she meant to do. It seems that may be my only choice b/c clearly I'm not over it, and I don't want this feeling to fester any longer, especially since I know they are good, caring people by nature. I thought about asking DH to communicate to them, as suggested, but he's not so great at opening up and talking feelings so I think it would probably be best to come from me. Maybe a girls lunch with his mom would be in order, we'll see. Thanks again for asking about it.

I think this part of your post is telling.

Only you know what you need.

(((hugs)))

I don't know if you just feel like venting or if you want feedback... sometimes I hate when people "fix" my problems when I just feel like getting a good bitch out... If you just want to vent, stop reading here.

It sounds like you really do care for your MIL and want a good relationship. I have personally found that shoving big emotions back leads to resentment, and the fear of addressing it is worse than working through the hurt with the person who hurt me. But, you might not be at a point yet to have that talk.

Sounds like a big misunderstanding and I can see why you're hurting. I'm sorry that your DH is not too understanding. Sometimes men can be so dense. Have you thought of sitting him down at a time that he can give you undivided attention?

gabbagal · March 2014

Thanks again, advice is always welcome, even when the original intent is to vent. I think I may try calmly to talk to DH one more time, b/c you're right, in a car when I'm emotional is not the best time/setting. I did try to give him examples he could relate to, like when he found out that the father of a friend of his passed away, and DH responded by calling that friend. Explaining that his instinct to do so was what I was expecting from close family.

I agree, avoiding the conflict just leads to resentment and getting it out might be tough in the immediate future, but better for the long-term. Thanks again for listening, understanding, and providing good, helpful insight!

AggieBeth06 · March 2014

(((hugs))) again - you will find a good solution that will work for you.

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