Underwhelmed by DH?

spainy17 · March 2014

My DH and I are really "meh" lately and it is bugging me. We are just really disconnected and we end up bickering then. We had a date night this weekend but you can just tell that we are feeling insecure about our relationship because we both are so sensitive and defensive over little things. I feel bad because I just feel like he does nothing right in my eyes right now and I am wondering if part of it is hormonal and the other is just being a tired working mommy with a not-very-helpful husband. I just feel blah.

Does anyone feel like this about their men lately? I just want him to leave me alone but then I am mad at him for ignoring me and DD. Sigh.

goocran7 · March 2014

This is me exactly. DH works a lot so when he's actually home he wants to sleep or watch tv. It's like DD and I aren't even there. He only spends time with DD when it's convenient for him.

We also fight all the time over stupid stuff and the fact that I work just as much and take care of DD without any help from him. It's frustrating and it's sad that DD barely acknowledges her dad anymore.

It's hard for me to understand why some dads don't feel the same way moms do about wanting to always be with the kiddos.

AshleyDehaven · March 2014

We're there too, except that i am a SAHM so i am with DS 24/7 and haven't been able to spend even an hour alone in more than 6 months (when we visited my parents and they watched him so that i could rest) because when DH is off work he is either parked at his computer or watching tv, or doing pretty much anything but playing with DS. And the part that bugs the crap out of me? DS is ALL about daddy right now. I take care of him, i play with him, i make sure he doesn't starve, something i am not sure his father would manage if left to his own devices, and still, all he wants is daddy. So from dawn with he leave from work, until he gets home around 5, it is a battle with DS because i am not the one he wants to hang out with right now. Then DH gets home and it's like pulling teeth trying to get him to play with him, or just freaking spend time WITH us. It is getting to the point where the sound of the man chewing makes me want to rip my hair out. Healthy huh? It's so weird. We used to be so in sync. We're still a team, but i feel like i am carrying us..

DCKate · March 2014

DH is pretty helpful, but I find that the time I spend with DD is usually reading stories, going for walks, etc. he will let her sit on his lap and watch videos on his phone while he watches ESPN. That is not quality time and it drives me insane!

spainy17 · March 2014

Ugh, while I'm glad you ask are here with me and our stories are eerily similar it makes me wanna barf. It's not like I even want much of a break, it's more like help with the little stuff like keeping DD from clinging st my ankles while I make dinner and more just hanging out WITH us and actually interacting with DD instead if just throwing a toy at her while watching TV. It makes me glad to know there are dads on sons doing the same because I thought for a while that maybe it was because DD was a girl. I know he is just clueless but it is selfish too because he barely even tries. Like one of the pps said, it gets to where anything he sites is annoying then and if he whines about lack of booty I want to junk punch him.

spainy17 · March 2014

And I try and communicate with him well but sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that had grown up with the birth if our baby. Like we are on two different worlds now. We have been together eight years and sometimes I feel like we are just so different now. It had gotten better since DD was a little baby but I still feel like I have to tell him what to do and like sometime said, pull teeth to get any family interaction. Lame.

mellie86041 · March 2014

I'm so relieved others feel this way lately and it's not just me! I have been so frustrated with DH lately, and anytime I try to bring it up, he gets mad at me for complaining. I know DH works long days and just wants to relax when he gets home, but I don't think he fully understands that being a SAHM is no walk in the park (even when we are walking in the park!!!).

And what drive me absolutely nuts is he'll walk in the door and comment that it looks like I got nothing productive done all day (because apparently keeping a human alive, feeding her, entertaining her, and watching her every single second to make sure she doesn't destroy the house don't count as being productive.) And then will nitpick all the things in the house that are dirty. Most of this comment stems from the fact that his sister is also a SAHM and manages to keep her house spotless all the time. He conveniently ignores the fact that she also has a nanny come to help 2-3 times a week and has a cleaning service every week.

The few times I have managed to get him to take care of DD on his own on weekends while I went to run errands or something, I would come home to home basically overreacting about things she did. "She threw up all over the house!" No, DH. She didn't. She's teething and that's just spit up. Talk to be when she legitimately vomits all over the back of the car! Or, "she just played around in her room for like ten minutes, so I don't think she really needs to take naps anymore" Yeah… she'll fall asleep on her own after she's used up the rest of her energy… just you wait for how cranky she gets when she's overtired! Or, "she threw the biggest tantrum for no reason. I don't think she likes me." No, she's just being a toddler and is seeing how far she can push you to get her way. She does it to me hourly. And then the worst part: he'll have the audacity to say "I just don't know how you deal with this all day, every day" but then does NOTHING to help me with her when he gets home from work

And of course, if I complain about how hard my day was, he'll comment that I was the one that chose to stay home and could always go back to work if it's so bad. Yes, I did. But it's not the whole day that I'm complaining about, but rather, it was a hard day and I would like a break at the end of it too. Me going back to work won't change anything about that since I would still be the one taking care of DD by myself at the end of the day.

Oh! And bonus, he's home sick today. So I get toddler and man-cold to deal with all by myself.

Chappy_jr · March 2014

My DH and I went through a period like this in the last half of the year. He quit his job unexpectedly and did not look for a new one for six months. I pretty much work from home but even though HE was home, he didn't help out much when he was unemployed so I was taking care of the baby, trying to fit in work when I could, cleaning, nursing, cooking, getting up with the baby, putting him to bed, etc.. Whenever I tried to talk to him about it DH would start an argument, accuse me of nagging, and even at one point said I clearly had post-partum depression because I was so stressed and mad at him. Classic projection.

Then, just before Christmas, he FINALLY looked for a job and got one in about two weeks. Thank God. Once he started the new job, he started helping out more, getting up with DS, playing with him at night and putting him to bed. Looking back, I think he quit because he was feeling bad because he worked so hard at his old job but wasn't making enough money to really contribute as much as he felt he should. He handled it totally wrong but it all stemmed from a place of hurt pride.

I say all of this because often men act like jerks because of their pride - something has hurt it. And instead of fixing the problem, they avoid it and often end up doing more damage. I'm not saying you have hurt his pride or that it is your job to fix it or that it excused his behavior but maybe you can start looking back to see what may be making him, something at work, in someone's commentary about his parenting, and help him figure out a good way to reclaim his pride.

spainy17 · March 2014

PP, you are completely right about the hurt pride thing. He always gets kind of boohoo this time of year because his work slows way down in the winter but instead of stepping up at home he ends up doing LESS. And in the summer when he is working a ton more, he is more confident and chipper and more apt to help. So lame. Why is it my job to blow puppies and rainbows up his ass to make him feel like contributing to the household? Boo. I am just being sassy now.

Wild_flower25 · March 2014

I think we all feel like this sometimes. I think sex or just alone time together is the best cure.

martha919 · March 2014

@MichieU79 -- my DH does that, too, haha. His is normally more like "take off your pants", and it doesn't upset me, but I would loooooove if we could have some actual foreplay once in awhile. ;-)

As for the original topic, yup, I'm there too. It's hard right now because DH works about 70 hrs a week and I know he needs to, so there's not much we can do about it right now. It's just hard because I'm then 100% responsible for DD and the house, and now packing for our move next week. Shoot. Me.

Wild_flower25 · March 2014

as far as splitting chores, it seriously took us almost a year to figure it out. Basically, I have to ask him to do things and eventually he picks up on it. He has also noticed that when stuff is done, I am happy and less stressed so he better help out

Also, I don't agree with telling him how to spend time with LO. If he wants to play video games with the baby, let him. At least he is making an effort. If you critize every little thing he does when he is with the baby, he's going to stop wanting to take care of the baby because he'll feel inadequate, because you're always telling him what he's doing wrong and men have big egos. Instead when he is spending time with the baby, praise th crap out of him. he'll want to do it more and more... My dh seems to really enjoy time with dd now that they can play together.

aklawrence1 · March 2014

I could have written this too. We are more disconnected than ever. We both work full time jobs but different schedules. I work M-F 7:30-4:30 and DH works 12 hr shifts rotating between 7a-7:30p and 7p-7:30a. He rotates every time he works so he works both shifts in a given week. I do the cooking and cleaning with the exception of the floors because DD screams with the vacuum and occasionally the laundry. DH says we don't have sex enough... I'm sure... Because I'm so tired. DD still doesn't sleep well and I get up with her. All I want to do when she goes to bed is sleep. I think I have a hard time accepting that even thohgh he has weekdays off, when I'm at work and dd is in daycare, I still carry the majority of the work. And he's a frequent drinker on his days off. I always feel so ill and I know I snap at him or am short with him. He does it too. Its definitely a different dynamic than it used to be.

bennikki · March 2014

I agree that we all can get there at a certain point, and quite honestly, I think it's normal. Relationships have valleys and hills. One of my friends made the great point that, fighting is good, it's when you get to the point that you aren't fighting is when you have to worry because you're no longer seeing the value/worth of the relationship. Keep the lines of communication open, even if it's with a few curse words thrown in for good measure.

DH has really been expressing to me lately how nervous he is about the LO on the way. He's like, you know it took me a long time to adjust to DS, and I'm trying to better prepare myself for the next one. In all honesty, I was probably the one who was checked out of the relationship in the early days with DS. My body was all weird, nursing was a struggle at first, I was sleep deprived, and DH just didn't know what to do to help me (there wasn't a lot he could do). Now with DS more self-sufficient, DH is nervous about starting over.

AshleyDehaven · March 2014

Once upon a time, curing it with sex would have been my go to. Now i am rarely even interested. It is hard for me to want to when i feel like the only time he WANTS to spend time with me, is when he is trying to get some.

susan10918 · March 2014

Wow! I feel like I could of wrote some of these post.

goocran7 · March 2014

I'm glad I'm not alone in this!

spainy17 · March 2014

Yeah, glad I'm not alone here and I can relate with a lot of the posts. DH does okay with tasks I give him and I try not to give him much grief for not taking initiative as long as he is responsive when I ask. I guess my issue it's mostly with the quality of the time he spends with DD. Like others said, I think he is clueless and gets bored with her play so he doesn't try that hard and she gets fussy. Then he gives her back to me because she us fussy when she would have been give if he had actually put in effort. And that is not sexy. And I laughed out loud at done of your descriptions of the lack of foreplay. I flat out said last week that I was giving him thekey to
my pants... Foreplay! :-) we also worry about what having a second baby will do to our relationship and we are scared to try. We love each other and we will make it work but it is crazy how a baby changes the dynamic. :-)

spainy17 · March 2014

For the record, he took my advice with the foreplay last night and was successful... Hopefully this reinforces the concept ;-)

AshleyDehaven · March 2014

Foreplay.. Sigh.. It's weird. That used to be the best part for me. Not to sound too crass, but these days i would rather (silently) watch porn with him til we're "ready", and then get it over with. Ugh... That sounds so sad. But i am not happy with my body right now at all, i have a hernia, that make my abdomen look gross, all the medication my doctors have me on have made me gain a ton of weight, and i was plus sized to begin with, i have a nasty c-section scar that goes straight up my stomach next to my belly button, my belly button is now deformed, and thanks to my awesomely compromised immune system i just had 21 teeth removed and have denture now. So i actually get really uncomfortable when we are being intimate because i just feel disgusting. And every time he tells me i'm beautiful i nearly burst into tears. I know it's vein but i just feel disgusting. So yeah, sex isn't really on the top of my to do list...

ReeceFamily · March 2014

I think this is a societal problem that is common to many, many families (including mine and most of my friends). Truly equal marriages are the exception and not the rule. I think we ARE slowly changing the way that we raise boys, but society has not yet caught up to the reality of our lives...that we are ALL busy and should be equally engaged in raising our families (especially when both parents work full time, as we do in our house). A friend who is now divorced because of this dynamic posted an article on FB that sums this problem up beautifully. I tried to find it, but couldn't.

DH and I struggle with this a lot. As PPs have said, for DH some of it is that men are taught that they are not important (that fatherhood is not important) and they feel overwhelmed. And part of it is being lazy. It's the lazy part that pushes my buttons.

emja0214 · March 2014

We have been there too. I still find myself getting irritated sometimes over some little things. I try to be honest with DH about my feelings. There was a point where I felt like we were just two people living together with a baby, not a married couple. I gave him some ideas of things I would like to be different and challenged him to come up with some. It has been better so far. We still have our little moments, but set time for each other and have open communication.

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