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Update

EgoCommaAlterEgoCommaAlter member
in Working Moms
So I would like to thank everyone who's reached out and been supportive, but after talking to people who know me IRL, it seems like my detractors here were right.

Had a very bad week - one with multiple panic attacks and learned that my health indicators are all at disaster level. Pretty sad for a normal weight woman in her early 30s.

But tons and tons of people - in laws, college friends, etc - all came out of the woodwork to help. The verdict is in: although I'm stressed to the max, I'm just not trying or accomplishing enough. God hates me (was even a sermon in church yesterday that everyone took to
mean that) I'm an embarrassment to my family, my husband's family. I'm lazy, stupid, a bad seed and a failure.

I've heard a lot of anger directed at me for things that don't make sense - so many people are cant-see-straight furious with me for staying home with my kids, then changing fields when I went back to work. I went on a string of interviews when we moved here, for which I didn't get called back or hired, and I don't understand why but everyone says its my fault.

But it lines up with what people are telling me. That I'm a toxic, bad
person who just cons people into liking and caring about me. So I want to apologize to those of you who have reached out and worried. I consider myself a great mom and sensitive, caring person with a lot to offer others, who is being unfairly maligned as an outsider in this culture- everyone around me IRL sees me as an emotionally dangerous, lazy sociopath. All I do is make people miserable and ruin their lives and those around me have just wanted to help me see it. I

I'm paying to see a shrink next
month, to see how I can minimize the damage to my kids.
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Re: Update

  • shannmshannm member
    Sweet Jesus. Please go see a doctor NOW.
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  • mlee116mlee116 member
    shannm said:
    Sweet Jesus. Please go see a doctor NOW.
    This.  You don't need to listen to any of the people you listed above.  It doesn't matter what they think of you or your life.  You need to see a doctor now.  This is not something that can wait, this is an emergency.  You owe it to yourself and your children to go get some help.  
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  • EgoCommaAlterEgoCommaAlter member
    I spent two days making 60 something phone calls to psychiatrists in the area. My choices were wait a month, Which is actually the shortest I've ever had to wait by far to see a specialist Since moving here, Or start looking in the next metro area Four hours away.

    This is exactly what I'm talking about. Doing my best and busting my ass Garners me tons of criticism.

    Sorry for the spacing and capitalization I'm on Siri.
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  • mlee116mlee116 member
    Go to the ER, urgent care or something.  A medical professional needs to know that you are having these feelings.  Based on what you said in this post and previous ones, you are in danger of hurting yourself.  That warrants immediate attention.
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  • mae0111mae0111 member
    I definitely think you should see a psychiatrist, but if you have to wait a month, please see someone else in the meantime.  A licensed clinical social worker, a psychologist, a member of the clergy.  Someone.  I know how you're feeling.  I've never quite been at your level of despair, but I have had some of your feelings.  Please see someone.  It will make a difference if you find the right person.

    I'm thinking of you.
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  • EgoCommaAlterEgoCommaAlter member
    That's just the problem though. I won't be hurting myself. Because it would just make my husband and my in-laws happy. So at least that keeps me safe. :)
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  • shannmshannm member
    Schedule a same day sick appointment with a primary care physician. Or go to the ER.
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  • AgoAgo member
    elmoali said:
    EgoCommaAlter said:
    I spent two days making 60 something phone calls to psychiatrists in the area. My choices were wait a month, Which is actually the shortest I've ever had to wait by far to see a specialist Since moving here, Or start looking in the next metro area Four hours away. This is exactly what I'm talking about. Doing my best and busting my ass Garners me tons of criticism. Sorry for the spacing and capitalization I'm on Siri.
    I'm very worried about you.  Your perception of people's reactions here is skewed and it makes me concerned that you may be misunderstanding or misconstruing comments being made to you outside of this forum.  You are not being judged or criticized.  People want you to get help and sometimes, when you are in your darkest time, some options don't occur to you - that's not a judgement, that's a reality of your struggles, for which you don't need to be defensive.  You sound to be at a critical point right now and clearly I don't know the conversations you had but, calling to ask when you can get an appointment to "talk to someone" isn't going to sound dire enough for anyone to give you the immediate help you so desperately need.

    You need to use strong words, like what you've used here "I want to swallow all the pills."  Suicide is clearly something on your mind.  You need to let people know that because that raises the urgency level, which is what you need.  I'm very worried that you are at imminent risk to yourself (or others) and saying so to an emergency professional WILL get you the help you need.  Call the ER or walk right in.  Ask for that help.  You are worth the effort.
    I have to echo @elmoali on this, and I can say that has held true for me when I was going through major depression in college.  I distinctly remember interpreting communication with me as against me and going back and looking at those e-mails later, when I was feeling better, they did not at all say what I thought they did.  Depression can do strange things to anyone and while it may be obvious to you that you aren't doing well, it isn't always obvious to others.  I was able to hide it very well from my roommate.
    University of Kansas alum Geoff Folker applies food coloring to his snow sculpture at his home on Park Street in Olathe, Kan., on Sunday, March 24, 2013. A storm that dumped up to 15 inches of snow on parts of Colorado and Kansas is making its way east, with winter storm warnings and advisories issued for today and tomorrow as far east as Pennsylvania. (AP Photo/The Kansas City Star, John Sleezer)

    January OAD Siggy Challenge: Creative Snow Sculptures

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  • MyaflowersMyaflowers member
    Thanks for the update! I'm glad you made an appointment with a psychiatrist, but I agree with PP that a month is too long to wait. Where I work (a psychiatrists' office), we are required to see a patient the same day if they are in crisis. Are you sure they understood how urgent this is? A month, or even a day, is too long for someone who is having thoughts of hurting herself. Could you call back and let them know this is urgent, or maybe go to see a family doctor at an urgent care clinic? We all want you to feel better as soon as possible! I have been thinking about you and am so glad for an update! Hang in there. I have depression myself and with the right treatment, there really is a light at the end of the tunnel!
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  • emberlee3emberlee3 member
    Thanks for the update.  I am glad you have taken steps to get help.  I agree with others who said don't wait a month.  This is urgent.
    DS born 8/8/09 and DD born 6/12/12.
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