How would you meet ex's new gf?

newmompeanut · March 2014

I posted this on the blended families board, but I don't know any of them at all, and they don't really know my story as well as I feel that this group does so I'd really love all of your opinions please!

My XH approached me and told me he's dating someone and would like her to meet N. According to our contract the ex has to meet the new significant other before they meet N. We are hoping that this makes the ex feel more comfortable about this person being around our child on a semi-constant basis.

I don't feel that R and his new gf are serious enough to warrant me (or N) meeting her yet, but R feels very strongly that they are serious enough. I'm really trying to trust that R has a clear picture of the relationship and is not being swayed based on personal romantic feelings.

Regardless, of whether I feel it's time or not, I have decided that I will respect R and his choice to progress their relationship (because honestly I don't think it's fair that he has to hide 50% of his life from his new gf just because he's caring for N at that time. And honestly I'm sure he wants to see the new gf interact with N!).

I'd love input on how you'd go about meeting her. I'm sure I'm just overthinking it... location? just her and I? Should R be there? and if R is there then B wants to come too. And then who's watching N? I was thinking that I could just meet her, with N, R and B at the children's museum but R didn't like that idea. I also would love to get to know her, so I feel comfortable with her watching N, and I don't know how to do that without questioning her about herself, but I don't want it to be an interrogation.

Please give advice!

ATXmommas · March 2014

I like the Melting Pot idea! I agree that it would be best to meet the new GF when N isn't around. Other than that, I don't have great advice, but would like to express my hopes that everything goes smoothly! R picked you, so hopefully his current GF is as great (or nearly as great!) as you!

KH826 · March 2014

So I can't relate to this from a parenting perspective, but I can a little bit from a child's perspective... my parents separated when I was 18 months old, divorced when I was 2, and my father remarried when I was 3 yrs old. I don't have a lot of memories of my father and his wife when they were dating, because I was so young, but I can tell you that I have vivid memories of my mother making comments about it long after. I would like to first applaud you, R, B and hopefully soon R's new girlfriend for putting N first and being committed to being a strong parenting unit together. This is SO important, and it really seems like this is your first priority. So from that perspective, you are already winning in my opinion. You also all seem to be dealing with this very maturely, and while I am sure there have/will be awkward moments, it seems everyone is processing in a very adult fashion and continuing to put N's needs ahead of any potential drama. Most people can't or won't do that, so you guys are really doing an awesome job.

So, take this with a huge grain of salt (maybe most of the shaker!)... my 2 cents are that you should try to find a sitter for N (perhaps some other family?) and go out for lunch or coffee as a foursome. I think including B (especially if she wants to be included) is important. I also think it is important for all of you to get to know each other, and B is definitely a big part of the equation. It may also help you to feel more comfortable if B is there, so it won't feel as much like a 2:1 scenario or an interview. I like lunch or coffee because they are more casual than perhaps dinner at a nice restaurant, and it won't feel as much like a weird forced double-date. You don't have to all be friends, you just have to know and trust one another. I will say that my mother remarried when I was 6, and I don't think my mother's new husband or my father's new wife were ever in the same room together. Ever. I don't know that they could even pick one another out of a line-up. My family never made an effort to do joint activities (like bday parties, etc.) when I was little. Everything was separate. When I went back and forth between houses, my parents always met at a neutral location (usually a parking lot) to exchange me. Felt kind of like a drug deal HAHA. The respective step-parents were never involved.

Anyway, my point is that I think my parents did a super crappy job at co-parenting (they basically didn't), and I was left as a teenager and then later as an adult feeling like I always had to choose, like I had 2 separate families, and like I never REALLY belonged with either of them. Sounds like you guys are already doing all the right things to avoid N being in that position. I would say to try to build a good relationship among the 4 of you (if this girlfriend does in fact become serious and a fixture in N's life), and focus on that without the distraction of having N around at first. You also don't want her to be there to witness any tension or disgruntledness (is that a word? HAHA), so it is best to try to deal with each other and find your footing with this new dynamic before introducing her into the mix.

Good luck & keep us posted!

AandStilltrying · March 2014

I would say 1 on 1 with her for coffee...if you're not comfortable with that, then find a sitter and all 4 of you go out. Go grab lunch, or if N can go somewhere else, invite her over or go to his place. If it were me, I would want to see how the two of them interact too. Wouldn't want N going into a situation where A) is ignored or

they fight all the time in front of N.

If you have like a Dave & busters that could take away some stress...and loosen everybody up a little. A beer or glass of wine will help.

How did it work when B came into the picture? How did R handle that?

newmompeanut · March 2014

Those are all really great ideas! Thank you so much for giving input.

@KH826‌, thank you for sharing so much of your story. It's nice to hear the things that didn't go so well from your experiences so we can make sure to not do them!

Unfortunately, we don't have a Melting Pot or a Dave & Busters (truth be told I had to look up what a Dave & Busters was!), but I'm sure we can find something similar around town. It's a really good idea to have some type of activity possible so that it's not like an awkward first date where we just stare at each other!

@AandStilltrying, B and I met while I was still married, so it was a very different situation. ( Definitely not one of my proudest moments, I promise!) R actually meet B in the hospital when N was being born. R had decided that he didn't want to be in the delivery room before B and I were even together, so R stayed in the waiting room while B was in the delivery and then c-section surgery with me. Since I had a c-section I was hospitalized for the next 3 days where basically both R and B were both in my hospital room together. They actually gave N her first bath together while I watched the second day after they met. And then R stayed with me during the day for the next 2 weeks while B was at work. It's a crazy arrangement, but we all do work really well together. Which is why I'm probably so anxious about throwing the new gf into the mix. I don't want our parenting style to change and it's going to take a special person to understand the relationships between us all.

I think tonight after work I'll call R and see what he's thinking. Maybe let him choose whether it's just the gf and me or if it will be all 4 of us and then propose the ideas that you guys suggested.

It sounds like he wants me to meet her fairly soon, so I'll be sure to update everyone with how it goes. Thank you all again! I'm really stressing out about this meeting and it's really nice to be able to discuss it with people who know the whole situation.

JGY · March 2014

Here's a slightly different suggestion ... in order to maximize the different interactions that you want to see, without involving finding a babysitter, have you thought about inviting the two of them over to your place and ordering pizza or something? Ideally I'd say have them come over about an hour or so before N's bedtime. That way you get to see how she interacts with N, and N will feel safe meeting her because you, R, and B are all there.

Then, after N goes to bed, the 4 of you can sit around and get to know each other better. Perhaps even, you and R might be able to put N to bed together and give B a chance to have some 1:1 time with her. I'd say that might put the gf a little bit at ease.

I think that taking as much stress out of the situation as possible is a good idea. And as long as you're not freaked out about the idea of having her come on to your home turf, hosting at your house definitely has its advantages.

Keep us posted!

newmompeanut · March 2014

I proposed a whole bunch of ideas to R for either all 4 of us (bowling, coffee shop, lunch, or other activity, either house) or for just her and me (coffee, lunch, my house) and it seems like R didn't like any of them. He's not comfortable with it being just her and I for a meeting. He claims an activity would be "too much" for the first meeting. His suggestion? Meeting at the mall because he needs to get a new shirt for work. He also said that he doesn't think we need to schedule a big thing since it's only going to be a 10 minute meeting.

It doesn't seem like R and I are on the same page about this meeting. I really want to get to know her so I'm comfortable with the idea of her being with N. I don't feel like that can happen in 10 minutes while walking the mall.

healz413 · March 2014

That's frustrating!

Maybe she's an introvert and the idea of a prolonged hangout with such high stakes is really hard for her? It might be that a 10 minute initial meeting will reassure her that you're not scary. And then you and she or the four of you can do a longer hang out in a few days or a week. And then the purpose of that second gathering will be a get-to-know you rather than an initial meeting and hopefully it will feel less intimidating.

Maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part.

Good luck!

AandStilltrying · March 2014

Don't let him force you into something you're not comfortable with. Stand your ground so he takes you serious.

firstcomeslove2013 · March 2014

Have you spoken to him about why it is important for you to spend time with her and get to know her? Do you think he would understand your need to be reassured by your get together with the new gf?

newmompeanut · March 2014

@firstcomeslove2013,
I have spoken to him about how I really want to get to know her so I feel comfortable with her around N. I think he's just being overprotective of her, which I do understand!

So here's the update...

R text me on Saturday morning saying that maybe we could all meet at the children's museum tomorrow (Sunday- as in yesterday). We all met there from like 3:30-5 when it closed. It was a little awkward, but it was really nice to have the distraction of N instead of focusing on the awkwardness. It was also nice because since N is only 1 we typically go with her when she goes into the exhibits and the bathroom so one person was able to leave the situation and let the other three talk. It seemed like we did a really good job of rotating who the person "out" of the group was. B and I were able to talk to R's new girl for a little bit just about her (just about her job and stuff like that) when R changed N in the bathroom. It was really nice because throughout the 1.5 hours RB (R's new girl is also a B, so therefore she's RB

) would offer up details about herself so we could know a little bit about her, she would play with N, and I was able to see sweet little things between R and RB (like him putting his arm around her and stuff like that which made me feel more secure in the seriousness of the relationship. Knowing R, he really doesn't do those kinds of things at all.)

So overall, I'd say it was amazing. She seems really sweet! She's one of those people that just seems genuine and like she's actually nice. I'm really happy for R. I know I was more worried about N getting hurt, but it's really comforting to see that R is happy. He's such a great guy that it's really nice to see him not alone and with a great girl

KH826 · March 2014

I am so glad to hear that it was such a positive experience! I also continue to be impressed by how well you all get along and interact together without jealousy or childishness. So cool! You are all really good parents!

healz413 · March 2014

That's great news!!!

AandStilltrying · March 2014

Yay! Glad what seemed like it was going to be rocky at best turned out well.

The important thing is to just be honest with him with how you're feeling reguardless of the fight it might cause. You are your child's advocate.

And we all need a little perspective from time to time.

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