I need perspective: Is she being a baby hog or am I being an irrational mama bear?
jpoindahouse
member
I'm having some issues with MIL and I am unsure whether my concerns are valid or if I am being a crazy/irrational new mom. MIL visited us a week ago to see LO. She currently lives five states away- 16 hours by car and 2 hours by plane, but we will be moving closer to her and to my family in three months. Anyway, when she visited last week, I was initially very happy to turn over LO. I was exhausted and she provided much needed relief from a colicky baby. However, after a couple of days, I noticed that she never let LO down. She held him constantly. Numerous times, I asked to feed him (he eats pumped breast milk mainly due to latch issues) or to change his diapers or just to hold him and she responded. "No, I've got him." I felt like an outsider in my LO's life. She planted herself on our couch holding LO, with DH and FIL on either side of her, and I sat in a chair several feet away. I felt totally shut out. She also made a couple of comments about how she was glad LO was having nursing problems because it meant she could bottle feed him. These comments stung. Specifically, she said "I think it's a good thing he is preferring the bottle. He wants his grandma to feed him." and "I think he fusses so much because you keep trying to nurse him. " (I continue to attempt to get LO to latch or to breast feed LO with the nipple shield a couple of times a day.)
Since her visit she has planned two more visits because "she just can't be away from LO."
Now, to be fair, this is her first grandchild and she is excited and I initially told her she was welcome anytime.. Also, perhaps the comments regarding nursing were just an attempt to make me feel better because I've been so upset that LO won't latch. And I can see how it is unfair of me to hand over LO when I am tired, but to then expect to get him back when I am rested.
Anybody else go through this? How did you handle it?
Re: I need perspective: Is she being a baby hog or am I being an irrational mama bear?
Yeah. Maybe I need to grow a pair and nix the visits- I just feel bad because (1) I initially told MIL "you can come anytime" so I would kind of be going back on my word and (2) my mom stayed for the first two weeks after I gave birth so I feel like I am being unfair in not giving the grandmothers equal time at our house with the baby. However, my mom basically stayed to cook, clean and help out around the house and only took the baby when I needed a rest
The BF comments, I kind of sympathize. My mom is my hero but she made similar comments with my first. It took me a while to realize that it wasn't that she disapproved of BF, it was that she had no personal experience and probably some regrets in not having BF us. It doesn't matter how big they get, a mother will always worry if she did the best for her child. After she became more familiar and comfortable with BF itself, she became a lot more supportive. Again, I would not ask to feed my own child, I would just say "it's time for LO to eat" and pick him up.
Now, I'm all for setting boundaries with family, and you are the mama so you should make the rules in your own house. but it also sounds like there is a relationship worth preserving here. So I wouldn't take back permission for her to visit. But I do think you should assert yourself more from the get go when she comes again.
As for the holding LO and saying "No, I've got him" wouldn't really bother me as long as the intentions behind it are good. Is she doing that because she feels like she is offering you a break while she's there and that's her way of being helpful?
My MIL will often do/say this because that is her way of helping and getting her baby fix because she doesn't see LO all the time. With DS1 at first I was very mama bear and HAD to do everything for LO no matter how tired I was and wanted a break. But once I took a step back and realized her intentions were to help and when she was gone I wouldn't get a break when it was just me, I embraced it. I realized I will be feeding him, changing diapers, putting him down for naps, etc for the next year plus and those breaks started to become welcomed. Plus MIL and LO were forming their own relationship.
So I guess you need to ask yourself what do you think her intentions are? Are they to help and give you a break? Also if you said something like "thanks, but I really want to xyz LO so i'll take him" would she had him over or continue to refuse to hand him over? I think if you step back and look at the situation you will be able to answer if MIL is a baby hog or just trying to help. You know her best. I do think you need to set boundaries with what you are comfortable with and even let her know what she could do to help and support you the best.
I can see this- especially since I was initially exhausted and I let her take the baby to relieve me. Perhaps I would be better saying "I want to feed/hold/whatever my son now" instead of "I can feed/hold/whatever my son now." Or, as others suggested...just take him and saying "i'm going to..."
I do think part of her thinks she is just helping, but I think that another part of her is trying to exert control over the child. She is a pretty controlling person (wedding planning was a nightmare).
Which is why I totally agree with PPs that you need to just take the baby and be firm. The last thing you want is to just resent her silently, as that can just ruin your relationship with her. Don't feel scared to tell her what you need or want!
I was a lot less comfortable being firm and vocal about what I needed with #1, but now on #3 I just tell everyone how to be helpful, and most of them really appreciate the guidance!
Her comments about BFing were totally out of line, although probably not intentionally meant to be hurtful. TBH she sounds pretty self-absorbed in that she's very focused on what she wants, and not thinking about the brand new Mom who also wants to hold/feed/care for her new baby. Perhaps a heart-to-heart either from H or you about her behavior/words? You know her best, some people that wouldn't help and some would find it helpful.
I have a very rocky relationship with my MIL, who is also a bit controlling and pushy. She also has this annoying tendency to "forget" things we've talked about - I don't know if she's genuinely that forgetful or is playing dumb to get her way but either way it's very frustrating. I know she generally means well, but she has no sense of boundaries and really does better if I'm direct with her about what is/is not ok. If I am vague/non-committal she takes that to mean whatever she wants to happen.
I wouldn't tell her she's not welcome to visit, but you'll probably have to be a lot more direct and firm with her. Not "can I have my baby" but "I'll take him now" so it's not a question but a statement.
Bump Unofficial Glossary