Needing advice...(long)

Re: Needing advice...(long)

• lookame3639 member

  March 2014

  As soon as the decision to divorce was made you should have began looking for a new place to live and got a bank account in your name and gotten your direct deposit stopped and changed to your sole account. I'm not saying the way you went about it was bad but it turned out poorly.

  
  

  As for now start determining where you will live, if he's cleared out all accounts likely the next step is to change the locks so having your own apartment is the best way to prevent that. 

  
  

  As for the situation with the kids you need to speak with an attorney, some will tell you that you need to keep them until an arrangement has been made some will advise you to allow visits in your presence ect. 

  
  

  Your first steps are to protect yourself though.

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• Nineoceans member

  March 2014

  This is really something you need legal advice to answer. From a safety standpoint if there is violence I would say don't go back but this is worth firing your attorney and getting a new one to find out how to best protect your interests

  

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• +just+j+ member

  March 2014 edited March 2014

  I think you need to get an emergency custody order if you can. I'm not sure if this qualifies, but you definitely need some emergency counsel.

  If your lawyer did not respond to you Friday or over the weekend, show up at his office Monday.   It could have been a big court day.  I know my lawyers were difficult to get ahold of on Fridays because most of the office took the day off on a regular basis. 

  Demand (politely) you see your lawyer Monday and ask that he/she help you determine the best course of action. 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval

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• SimpleJane member

  March 2014

  Do NOT give the kids to him or his family right now. My ex did things very similar and also changed the locks on the house. He then took my children and hid them from me. Since we were still married and there was no CO the police would not do anything until we went to court. We all know that can take months.
  
  Stay with family and keep the kids out of school if you have to on Monday but do nothing else until you've spoken with legal council.

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• +just+j+ member

  March 2014

  I have no idea if you should go back home with the kids.  Again, check with your lawyer on Monday.  If you leave the home...you could be giving up your share in the divorce settlement. But if he's abusive, maybe it's not worth it.  Only you can determine that. However, with an asshole like that who would take your earned paycheck, I am inclined to say you go for all you can get from the SOB.

  If you do go back and you can't get in, legally he can't keep you out. You live there. It's your home. Call the cops if you have to get back in if he's changed the locks.

  He's playing a game with you.  He's trying to un-nerve you and control you. Don't allow him to see you are un-nerved. 

  Get a separate bank account Monday and have your paycheck transferred.  Get a Post Office box in your name and start forwarding your mail.  DO NOT WAIT. This should have been done long ago. I'm surprised your lawyer did not advise you to do this.

  If you do not feel you are getting the best representation - then yes...get a new lawyer. A really good one. Your ex is way ahead of playing the divorce game and you need to not trust him ever again.  Start playing hardball, but smartly.

  "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval

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• freeatlast2014 member

  March 2014

  Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the time you took to answer my questions. I took the day off tomorrow to sort this all out and showing up at my attorneys is a great idea.
  
  She never said anything about a PO box nor a separate checking account. Fortunately I did that last weekend but I didn't take it a step further and stop my direct deposit. I'm really kicking myself.
  
  And I talked to her on Monday offering an option of my moving out with the kids (to where I am now) or him going. She asked me to give her a few days and lo and behold his lawyer played games and then mine never called me back so I think I did the right thing by leaving. I'm just pissed about it. The kids want to be in their own beds.
  
  @simplejane you confirmed my fear. That is terrible.

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• Sigir member

  March 2014 edited March 2014

  I would consider going home today if he is at work and changing the locks on him. I don't know if legally that is terrible to do, but what recourse does he leave you, if he took all your money and you have nothing to support the kids with? If my exh took all my money, I would have no guilt locking him out. 

  
  

  Even if you don't do that, make sure you go print out copies of the old bank account statements proving what money you used to have, and when he took it all out. You will get 1/2 that money back in the long run because what he did was wrong. You just have to take the long view and wait it out. Thankfully you are employed and will get more money so you will have something to live on between now and then. 

  
  

  Regarding your MIL, I would not use her for childcare anymore. If she asks you why, tell her what your ex did. Until the money is back, you can't trust him and you can't let her be alone with your kids. Maybe she can exert some pressure. Not sure if it will matter or not, not sure they dynamics, but it might help. 

  
  

  Other than this, has your lawyer seemed pretty good? Mine never advised me to do a PO box or a seperate checking account, so I don't think that is necc a sign of a bad one. It is important to be able to get in touch with them though. I agree that fridays are usually court days so that might explain why you did not hear back, but if that is a running theme you might want to look for someone else. 

  
  

  I feel for you so much. I remember what it was like to be in the place you are now, afraid and uncertain. It will get better, I swear. Just take the long view. I agree w just j, don't let him know he is unnerving you. I don't know why it is too late for an OP... you can always go to the police and file a complaint. I've done it! Back in the day the police were my best friends. That is why they are there, to help in situations like this. Don't be hesitant to use their help if you need it. You will get through this and be stronger than ever.

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• dmndsr4eva member

  March 2014 edited March 2014

  You need to go home and you need to get your lawyer to get him removed from the home.  Even if you can get a temporary order it will help you a lot.  You need for your lawyer to file emergency temporary custody of the children to you NOW.  If you have emergency custody he will not be able to see the kids until you both come to a timesharing agreement.  So that you can assure he will not just up and take the kids from you.  You need a time sharing agreement in place now. You need for your lawyer to get on this as soon as possible.  DO NOT LEAVE your house.  If you leave your house that puts you in a very bad position.   That is your kids home and he could go and get an order to kick you out and leave the kids in their home.

  As far as your finances you need to file now for legal separation and temporary spousal support.  NOW.

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• dmndsr4eva member

  March 2014

  You need copies of all of your financial statements.  Copies of bank account balances and proof of any assests and debts that you both have.

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• freeatlast2014 member

  March 2014

  Dmndsr4eva thank you for the legal jargon. I jotted it down so I know What to ask for. Emergency custody, legal separation, and temporary spousal support. She better get on this after not being available all day today. I'm really questioning her...

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• Sigir member

  March 2014

  did you ever get to talk to her yesterday? did you go in person to her office? If she is not getting back to you over two days you may want to start looking for someone else before you have too much $ invested w her.

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• Wyn member

  March 2014

  Under no circumstances (except physical violence) should one leave their home without a court order.  Have a locksmith change the locks (probably have to show Driver's License or some ID showing that is your residence) and let you back in.  Remove all valuable jewelry that is yours and keepsake type items (baby books, photos, etc) to a safe place (best friend house).  You may have to share those later, but better to be in the position of sharing, than begging and never seeing again. 

  Understand that with the house you're probably playing a "game" of chicken.  You won't leave/he won't leave.  You may be stuck with him until a Temporary Custody hearing to determine who gets to stay, temporary custody and support.  Take the Temp hearing very seriously.  In my state, what happens then often happens forever.

  You may want to try to find a mediator, not necessarily the person who will mediate your case but someone to be more available (and cheaper) that your attorney to help talk you through the mess you're in.  Or a paralegal might be helpful too.

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• freeatlast2014 member

  March 2014

  Sorry I didn't update you guys. I finally talked to my lawyer on Tuesday afternoon. I also sought a second opinion today... @Wyn you bring up a good point. I realized in speaking to this (new) attorney that she would have been a perfect mediator. Anyway, my XH filed for me to come back home with/or without the kids but they need to go back to our home. I filed an emergent petition to gain custody and stay at my dad's house and the judge denied my request. So as of now, we are staying at my dad's and we finally put in writing an agreement for him to see the kids over the next month (starting tomorrow) until we see the judge in April. This new attorney also suggested I go back home. I just find it sickening to think that I have to be in this house with someone verbally and mentally abusing me while I can do nothing about it. However, I'm toying with the idea of sleeping there on Sunday just to mark my territory that I haven't abandoned the home. It's just not right...

  This consult today also explained that I spent TONS of money this week alone in sorting out visitation for 1 month! He's just not open to negotiating so I don't even know how to bring up a mediator/paralegal. Also, I tried to tell him about a therapist that came highly recommended to help set up a parenting/visitation schedule that works best with kids my kids ages (3 & 18m) and he wouldn't even hear me out.

  I was told to stop letting my emotions get in the way and start putting the kids first. How can I do that if he won't do it with me? Story of our life I suppose.

  How do I go back if I've been gone for a week now? WWYD? And how do I handle what will come when I'm there (name calling, sideways comments, no help with the kids, etc.)?

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• SimpleJane member

  March 2014

  I would go back home. It will be best when you go to court. I never went back home and it was used against me in court re custody.

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• +just+j+ member

  March 2014

  Stop listening to what he says. My ex told me numerous times while we lived in the house and even after the divorce that I was being selfish, not thinking of our daughter and only myself.  I called it "mind fucking"  He tried fucking with my head a lot to see if something would stick and either just wound me, or get me to abandon the divorce and stay. 

  Keep reminding yourself that all he's saying is just noise.  He's trying to get to you. Let him think that it is, but don't allow it to remain in your head.

  Once you are out, what you are feeling now will quickly be behind you and your life will completely turn around. I look back to a year ago, two years ago when I was going thru what you are now....it's a distant memory. 

  This too shall pass.  Keep doing what you  need to do. You'll survive this.

  "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval

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• freeatlast2014 member

  March 2014

  SimpleJane said:

  I would go back home. It will be best when you go to court. I never went back home and it was used against me in court re custody.

  
  

  Can you expand on this please? How was it used against you? 

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• SimpleJane member

  March 2014

  Because he was residing in the home the children grew up in, I was across town in a little apartment. It was argued he was the more stable looking in the situation, and it would be least disruptive to the kids if they stayed there in the home they were used to. They basically used this, making it seem as though I just abandoned the kids home, and the fact that he was in a stable job for 5+ years while I was a SAHM and student, to paint me as the one that was more disruptive to the Kids lives and bully me into agreeing to 50/50.

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• freeatlast2014 member

  March 2014

  @simplejane that is crazy. Why and how when the men won't leave can we be held accountable?
  I'm actually back in the house today but it only happened because my husband and his mom acted totally crazy when I came to pick up the kids. This was my first pick up ever and it went so horribly bad. I was granted a TRO, allowed to remain in the home, and granted full custody until we go before the judge. It was such a bad day and does NOT feel like a victory at all.
  This is so so sad.

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• SimpleJane member

  March 2014

  It may not feel like a victory now, but this will only help you. You said he is abusive, I'm assuming if you got a TRO and temp full custody something violent happened. You now have that on paper, documented. That will only help you protect them later.

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• SueBear member

  March 2014

  I would strongly advise you to call a domestic violence hotline, or visit a shelter in person.  MANY times, DV shelters have connections to legal staff who are experienced in situations such as this.  You don't have to move into the shelter, just tell them that you are getting a divorce, your stbx is abusive and is using the legal system against you.  Ask them if they have any resources that are available to you, esp. since you do not have the income to fight on your own.

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• +just+j+ member

  April 2014

  MrsLynny, it's seen as abandonment and relinquishing property. Yes, it seems unfair and unbearable but it can be used against you as a spouse who has abandoned the other.   I am so surprised your lawyer did not go over what you should and shouldn't do.  You might want to consider finding someone else if you are not too far into the process. 

  
  

  I agree with SueBear. call the hotline.   My XH got a bit verbally abusive.  He threatened to take off with our daughter to another state.  He didn't and now I know he never would have - he was just desperate and trying to screw with my head.  Keep in mind that is what most of what your soon to be ex is doing.  Even if nothing happens or you don't think it's severe enough they are very helpful and help you create a plan in case something does happen. They can also connect you to help should you  need it.

  "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval

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• MarSamWhitney member

  April 2014

  MrslynnyD, I am so sad to read this.  I wish I had some good advice to give you. Hang in there and PM me if you want. *hugs*

  
  
  

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• freeatlast2014 member

  April 2014

  Thanks ladies.
  I'm actually back in the house and have been for 2 weeks on Sunday. He is out (for now) because of the restraining order I now have. I will find out soon if they are going to grant the final and I am hopeful. I am, however, relieved that I am back so as to avoid any abandonment misunderstandings. Not to mention the kids are much happier considering the circumstances.

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• nurrieum member

  April 2014

  I have no advice to add, this isn't something I went through but my thoughts and prayers are with you you as you go through this. 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  http://nurrieum.weebly.com  

  (Jar of Bees- Le Blog)

  
  
  

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