bedtime help, dad gets home late, wwyd?

texmeg · March 2014

Hi, I haven't posted in a while, but I'm really curious what other families do for bedtime routines/times when one parent gets home pretty late. We have a 4 year old and a 13 month old. Dad gets home about 7pm every night. Currently our routine is something like this: baths at 5:30 for both boys, I start dinner at 6, dad gets home and plays with boys for a few minutes, we eat at 7 (on a good night), by 7:30-7:45 we're ready to get up from the table, start cleaning up, and starting the bedtime "routines." Younger boy is asleep by about 8:30, older one by 8:30/9, depending on how long story time is. Routine for younger boy is something like change diaper, nurse in dark room w/ lullabies until he's asleep (or put him down in bed to fall asleep).

Here's the problem: I think the 13 month old may be ready for bed by 6:30 or 7...he's whiny and clingy while I'm trying to make dinner, often rubbing eyes and yawning, definitely ready for bed by end of dinner most nights. He's waking up A LOT at night...sometimes he can't stay down more than 2/3 hours. Some nights are worse than others...

Why am I resisting putting him to bed early? For one, I value having dinner as a family and both boys getting "daddy time." Secondly, I think if I put him down a lot earlier than the older boy, the older boy would be loud and wake him up (our house is not big).

So yeah, does anyone have any suggestions? If you're in a similar situation, what do you do? It seems like most parents are home much earlier, with kids in bed a lot earlier than ours. Maybe I'm wrong...

texmeg · March 2014

I also should mention, I'm kvetching because I'm about to reread Pantley's NCSS for Toddlers, and I know she's big on 2 things: early bedtimes, and long bedtime routines, and I just don't see how to make those work for our family. The baby's bedtime routine is about 15-30 minutes long at this point.

Rrrrrachel · March 2014

I only have one kid right now but my husband comes home between 7 and 8 usually. He doesn't generally see my daughter at night. They get special time together in the morning and if she wakes up at 10 or 11 he will often be the one to go in and snuggle her.

I make dinner early and my daughter and I eat together then husband eats when he gets home. Fwiw I don't think eating late is good for sleeping, either. From bath time until I'm walking out of her room for the night is 1-2 hours.

I know family dinner is important, but it's not forever.

Emerald27 · March 2014

Can you wear him on your back while you make dinner? So that he gets the snuggles he needs (and even a quick nap) before you eat as a family? Maybe the bath relaxes him a lot...you could move that to after dinner so that he can go straight to bed after bath.

I suppose you could also try moving his last nap of the day a bit later. 6:30-7 just seems so early to me for bedtime...maybe I'm forgetting what life was like when DS was younger.

Rrrrrachel · March 2014

6:30/7 was totally normal around here for that age! After she dropped her third nap and up until around 2. Around then she started needing more awake time between her afternoon nap and bed time. I am a big believer that kids that young need early bed times, though.

yeah. · March 2014

My husband doesn't get home until 7 on most night either. I make the kids dinner at 6, then start their bedtime routine at 6:30. They are ready for bed at 7, Dad does teeth and reads books and puts the older one (5) to bed while I put the little (3) down. Then we eat dinner together.

I'd like to do family dinners but it's just not practical right now. My kids are starving by 6 and ready for bed at 7. We do family meals every meal on weekends.

nosoup4u · March 2014

I wouldn't worry about the 13 m.o. missing family dinners, he can rejoin them when he's older. Do you have noise machines? We swear by them in our house, and it might help you out if he needs to sleep.

What time does your DH leave in the mornings? Can he get up with your younger son and get the quality time then? We eat dinner at 6-6:30 most nights, and I still think it's probably too late for our kids (they're 6 and 3). Can you and the kids start eating around 6:30 and then keep DH company while he eats at 7?

I can't remember when my kids went to bed when they were that age...DH and I ate after DS1's bedtime for a long time, so his had to have been early. DS2 was probably around 7:30-8? He's more of an night owl, tho. Just switch things around and see how it works, that's always worked for us.

texmeg · March 2014

Thanks so much, everyone, for the suggestions and experience. I'll definitely try some of these things out. I know every family has different things that work, but it's nice to get a glimpse into what those things are when I'm brainstorming solutions...you know?

The noise machine is a good idea...we used to do just static on his radio a while ago, but then he stopped liking that and liked his lullabies better. I may try the static again if he goes to bed earlier.

Funnily enough, the 4 year old, who drove us crazy with sleep for 2 years, has no sleep issues whatsoever (except maybe that we have to wake him in the mornings sometimes), so I don't want to mess with his bedtimes too much.

litlmunky04 · March 2014

Our schedule is identical to yours. My (almost!) 12 month old usually isn't sleepy or grumpy & ready for bed until after bath anyway, around 8:30. This isn't the Norm compared to family/friends; seems like their babies go to bed much earlier. It's important to us all be at the table together, so it's working for now. He's never been a wonderful night time sleeper, even before he was part of family dinner! Good luck!

pixieprincss · March 2014

DS1 wasn't ready for nighttime sleep until about 11 pm at 1 year old. He'd take late naps, but would wake up ready to play. DS2 has liked to go to sleep at 7/7:30 since birth, even on vacation when everything else is wacky. Kids have different natures, and that is worth respecting if possible. But, I think early to bed as a rule for every baby is bogus. Many cultures keep much later hours than your family is! If you are allowing for extra sleep in the morning or day to accommodate, I don't see a problem with having a "late" bedtime. I agree with PP about offering a back carry while you get dinner ready.

In our house, dinner together is really important. When the boys were newborns, we'd try to even wear them at dinner if they were asleep. We have been known to have a boy fall asleep in his highchair, too. Making our kids stay up isn't our goal, and if someone is crying and miserable we'll address it, but at the heart of the matter is what is best for YOUR family dynamic.

As for waking every 2-3 hours, I don't find that abnormal for a breastfed baby at 13 months.

vvvvvfee · March 2014

DH and i both work f/t, and i don't get home until 6:30 or 7 PM. usually we eat dinners that i've cooked over the weekend, or something that requires minimal prep. we all eat together at about 7:30. we have a little bit of playtime, and then at 8 or 8:30 (this depends on how well he's napped at daycare/how tired he seems), we do a bath and get him into his pajamas, and he goes to sleep sometime between 9 and 9:30. he generally sleeps until 7 or 8 AM.

PP made a great point that the super-early bedtime thing is cultural. DS has always adjusted himself to go to bed a little later since i get home late. he used to take a nap at 5:30 or 6 when he was younger so that he could stay up. so i think you could adjust your younger son to go to bed later if he took a nap in the early evening, but you could also put him down early and use white noise or music like others have suggested.

sugarbear0524 · March 2014

vvvvvfee said:

DH and i both work f/t, and i don't get home until 6:30 or 7 PM. usually we eat dinners that i've cooked over the weekend, or something that requires minimal prep. we all eat together at about 7:30. we have a little bit of playtime, and then at 8 or 8:30 (this depends on how well he's napped at daycare/how tired he seems), we do a bath and get him into his pajamas, and he goes to sleep sometime between 9 and 9:30. he generally sleeps until 7 or 8 AM.

PP made a great point that the super-early bedtime thing is cultural. DS has always adjusted himself to go to bed a little later since i get home late. he used to take a nap at 5:30 or 6 when he was younger so that he could stay up. so i think you could adjust your younger son to go to bed later if he took a nap in the early evening, but you could also put him down early and use white noise or music like others have suggested.

That is our general schedule too. If we put our son to bed at 7 or 7:30 like a lot of people do, we would barely see him. He is also a night owl like his father, and even with this schedule, it takes him a while to go to sleep once he's in bed. I do wish DH and I had more time in the evenings but this schedule seems to work for now.

opheliainwaders · March 2014

Just chiming in to second the baby wearing suggestion. DD (9months) often catnaps in her carrier on the walk home in the evenings (around 6:30, for about 10-15 mins), and then is happy to eat dinner with us around 7, and go to bed at 8.

cyprissa · March 2014

Also, I suggest doing what you can to pre-prep dinner so you can be eating earlier and then your DH can just sit down and eat when he walks in the door. Maybe try using a crockpot a few times a week. I also do things like make enchiladas the night before and then just heat them for 15-20 mins. It's helped make evenings less stressful and we get dinner on the table sooner. I also make things that are very fast like fish or use my pressure cooker to make risotto.

boymomstrong · April 2014

I know its rough but you have to try to make the best when you can, my husband is military so his work is crazy! But we have dinner by 530 latest! Start bath at 7/730 then my son is asleep by 730/8 and aleeps till 8am every day, some times hubby is home and its a family night and some times he is not... We do things like let daddy and son play while i shop or clean and they get some apecial time together... For now this is just how it is, and as they get older things can adjust some...
Sorry its rough for now! Good luck!

kateraid · April 2014

My DH gets home around 7 pm. We only have one DS and I give him dinner at 5 then bath, stories and bed by 6:15 latest. He sleeps until 7:30 - 8:00 am and when he goes to bed later he wakes up more often and wakes earlier in the morning. Family dinners will come when the kids are older but sleep is more important. Maybe try doing more slow cooker meals so you and DH can eat when the boys are in bed? Would Your older one go to sleep a bit earlier too? Our home is small and we put a fan on in the hall outside DS closed bedroom door to drown out noise.

sarahandeddiejune212008 · April 2014

My DH works nights so I'm on my own 4-5 nights a week. I try to have dinner ready by 5:30 and then bath around 6:45. The girls usually have a bed time snack after their bath. We are usually dressed and ready for story time by 7:30ish. I tuck in my older DD (3 1/2) and then nurse my younger DD (20m) to sleep.

It sounds like you may need to have dinner earlier so your younger DS can go to bed earlier. Another option would be to try and adjust his nap schedule so he sleeps later in the afternoon.

hopanka · April 2014

I agree with PP who said her child adjusted to her time. I used to get home after 8pm. DS naturally learned to wait up for me. He was bathed, but I still nursed him after getting home and spent time with him before us all going to bed around 10pm. Upside: DS slept in until 9am or later, even as a little guy. He continues to be a late sleeper.

FancyFrenchie · April 2014

I think you also have to take into account the wake up time. I have to have the kids up by 6:30 am so they are in bed by 6:30pm every night. If wake up wasn't that early, I would aim for a later bedtime.

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