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Late Term and Child Loss
Mrs Nice
member
Loss Check In
Mrs Nice
member
Welcome to the checkin! I am sorry to have to welcome new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too.
Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
QOTW: Have you struggled with any relationships/friendships since your loss? If so do you plan to fix it or let those people go from your life?
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?
Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
QOTW: Have you struggled with any relationships/friendships since your loss? If so do you plan to fix it or let those people go from your life?
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Loss Check In
ticker warning
Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Not really
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I'm picking up a card for her for her angelversary. Greeting cards always make me cry, so I am sure this one really will, but my desire for her to have one outweighs my fear of crying in the card aisle.
QOTW: Have you struggled with any relationships/friendships since your loss? If so do you plan to fix it or let those people go from your life? No, luckily the people that matter have been amazing and so supportive. Those who haven't been didn't matter to begin with.
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? I'm actually excited to get my angel her cake and decorate it. We get to do so little for our angels so I'm happy to get to do something for her.
My Pregnancy/Parenting BLOG TTC since 5/2011, BFP #1 12/3/11, M/C 12/7/11 @ 4wks 2d. Began seeing RE Sep 2012. October 2012 Metformin 1500 mg= ovulation on CD34 BFP#2 11/14/12 9DPO, EDD 7/26/13, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks, our angel born sleeping 3/24/13 @ 22wks 2d. BFP #3 7/4/13 8DPO EDD 3/22/14, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks. started insulin @16 wks. Our rainbow, born 3/19/14 @ 39wks 6d., we're so in love!
Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Made it through Ana's birthday!
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Hmm. In regards to Ana, no goals really
QOTW: Have you struggled with any relationships/friendships since your loss? If so do you plan to fix it or let those people go from your life? There have been a few people I've "let go" because they completely ignored me when I lost my daughter. They thought I wouldn't want to hear from them, or didn't know what to say. Some people have still not acknowledged my loss.
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?
Blah.
My Blog
BFP# 1 7/7/12 Beautiful DD born still at 36 weeks 5 days on 3/2/13
Diagnosed with PCOS in 2005. Started Metformin July 2013
Please be our rainbow!!
**All AL Welcome**
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I found a couple loss support groups in the area that I'd like to attend. No plan to achieve that goal quite yet. I can't decide if this is something I can do on my own or if I should have DH go with me. (Any experience from those who've BTDT welcome.)
QOTW: Have you struggled with any relationships/friendships since your loss? If so do you plan to fix it or let those people go from your life? My friends have been pretty great. I'm still getting cards, texts, emails, etc..with lots of thoughts and prayers and they are reaching out to invite me to our normal social activities (not ready yet), as well as just dinner or something.
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? 1. My baby shower was going to be this Sunday. Sundays are my bad days anyway, so I will be going to the movies and dinner with a bunch of them. They know I am sad so they will likely not even mention Anthony or Benjamin. (Not talking about our boys cannot possibly make me any sadder than I already am.). 2. Where is AF? C'mon witch. 5w5d post loss and counting... 3. I am a quote box edit failure; sorry about all the bold!
TTC since 10/2010
IUIs # 1-5 = BFFN
IVF # 1(July 2012) = BFN
IVF # 2 (November 2012) = BFP (MIssed MC D&C @ 8w3d on 1/10/13)
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Next goal will be to proceed with an FET, whether that is next month or in May or June. I still haven't decided. I'm actually writing a pros and cons list right now, because I am crazy like that.
QOTW: Have you struggled with any relationships/friendships since your loss? If so do you plan to fix it or let those people go from your life? Great QOTW. Yes yes yes yes yes! I have found that the people closest to me have made the worst remarks, and that support and understanding has come from unlikely sources. I am hurt by my closest friends, who either walk on eggshells around me or have stopped contacting me after the memorial (two of my best friends literally never called or texted or anything after my boys' memorial and that was two months ago). Some of my closest friends shove their babies in their faces, physically and vocally reminding me that their babies are here and mine are not ("just because your babies are not here, doesnt mean other people dont want to enjoy their time with their children." um. wtf?). I have become closer to the unlikely sources of support and have made new friends or rekindled old relationships. And as for my friends who have shown no support or have said horrendously awful things to me or my husband (such as: "hey, which one of them died first?") - I am slowly backing out of these friendships... even though I should probably make a run for it.
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? Two things - my FET and the fact that my two baby boys showed me a sign that they are ok today.... Conner's giraffe, next to their urn, started playing music all on its own. I was so happy, because last night I asked them to give me a sign that they are ok.. and they heard me
A few of the women there also went to other support groups but they struggled because the groups they went to were a range of ages- so some people had lost adult children and it made it hard for them to relate. I chose not to seek out other groups because of that and just focus on the infant loss group so wanted to share.
Good luck! It was really hard for me to go the first time but I'm so glad that I did. You can definitely PM me if you'd like to talk more. Please let us know how it goes!
I still haven't gone back to my office (I'm working from home for now) but I went to an after hours event that most of my office attended this week! So, it was my first time seeing many of them in 2.5 months and I'm so glad I went. It was a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. I got a little emotional but they were all so sweet and excited to see me.
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
I'm still doing really well with running and Pilates (but haven't actually lost any weight yet though!) so my next goals are to get more social and start seeing people again. I finally reached out to my coworker/friend who also had her baby on Christmas. We are getting together for lunch on Tuesday. My goal is to not cancel and be okay with whatever emotions I feel that day.
QOTW: Have you struggled with any relationships/friendships since your loss? If so do you plan to fix it or let those people go from your life?
I was just telling my husband that I feel so lucky that I've only had one negative experience with a friend. He agreed but also mentioned that I've been very selective with who I see and talk to so as I get more social, more issues might come up. I hadn't thought about that but he's right so we'll see what happens over the next few weeks.
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?
We are picking out Wesley's headstone this week and seeing a perinatalogist to discuss all of the test results, get the official diagnosis and talk about what we'd do differently in another pregnancy. I'm trying not to feel overwhelmed and accept that these are things that we have to do... And who knows, maybe I'll feel better doing these things than I'm anticipating.
I'm so glad that your boys gave you a sign this week and congrats on tossing the sleeping pills- that is huge!
Serenity's funeral was yesterday. It was super tough to face everyone, but I think it's a first step to healing and good for us to see how blessed we are by our support system.
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
Try to get out of the house without my husband. It sounds stupid, but I don't want to go out and do anything. It just seems like now that everything is done with planning for Serenity's birth/funeral/etc. that everything else seems silly and trivial and small. Maybe figure out when I should head back to work part time.
QOTW: Have you struggled with any relationships/friendships since your loss? If so do you plan to fix it or let those people go from your life?
Not yet, but I haven't really let anyone "in" that I don't 100% trust to deal with it (and me) appropriately. It might be awhile before I'm ready to even try.
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week
So much. The biggest one: we didn't get pictures. We wanted pictures, we had someone lined up to come and take some for us/with us. The nurse advised against it, suggesting that it wasn't "appropriate" and that they had their own photographer who would do them if it was "appropriate" (love that word...who says that it's not appropriate for me to get photos of my own little girl?). I let her talk me into cancelling the photographer we had lined up and I felt like we weren't even allowed to take pictures. My biggest regret so far. Probably will carry it to the grave. We have her footprints, and will have her casts, but I'm terrified that I'm going to forget what our beautiful girl looked like. I realize how ridiculous this all sounds, but it's my biggest "thing" right now. Thanks for "listening".
@Bgirma We are in a similar place (in that we are picking out Serenity's urn) and I admire your ability to keep on keeping on despite everything. I feel so exhausted, like my brain is just tired of making decisions to the point where I find it taxing to decide simple things, like whether I would like to drink juice or water. I'm taking inspiration from you - thank you for sharing.
ETA: @Bgirma - how did you find the support group? I feel like that's something I'd be interested in doing, but the hospital didn't give us a heck of a lot to work with and I just feel really overwhelmed by the process of finding an appropriate group.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I found a loss support group that meets monthly on the 2nd Thursday of the month, which is this Thursday. My DH is at a conference that ends Thursday night, but I don't think he'll make it home in time. I may need to draw a yes/no answer out of a hat to decide if I should go or not.
@LyndseyTS I found my group via this website: https://www.nationalshare.org/Groups.html
Lyndsey, You've been through a lot recently. Leaving the house alone does not sound stupid to me. My first trip out solo was to get a pedicure and I thought I was going to have a panic attack. My heart breaks reading how insensitive that nurse was to you. You did the best you could without a compassionate nurse to guide you--she had been through that before...you had not. ((hugs)) I also have regrets, but I try not to let them haunt me.
Not sure about you all, but I had a quality assurance person come to my room before discharge, a phone call post-discharge and a paper survey mailed to my house. I think I'd suggest loss education & compassionate care training for that nurse.
TTC since 10/2010
IUIs # 1-5 = BFFN
IVF # 1(July 2012) = BFN
IVF # 2 (November 2012) = BFP (MIssed MC D&C @ 8w3d on 1/10/13)
@Bgirma Thank you. I’ve tried the same and it looks sort of promising. I haven’t anything super local, but if we have to drive a little bit, that’s okay. I would considering starting one, but not right now.
I think she just maybe didn’t know how to deal with it. Maybe she doesn’t really have experience with it, it still made it really, really hard for us. I like that you made a memory book. Maybe I can do that, too. I think it’s just the fear that someday, somehow, I will forget about her. It’s reassuring to know that you can still remember the details (even if you say it hasn’t been that long). Thank you for the offer to PM. I might take you up on it sometime. I think the forums have been really helpful so far. It’s nice to be able to “talk” especially because DH and I work through things different. That’s okay, but I’m a talk-it-out sort of person, and he’s a write it down and think about it sort of person. Both grieving, just differently. It’s nice to have somewhere to go without draining him.
@Maybe Joleisa Thank you – unfortunately we’re in Canada and it looks like there aren’t any groups on there where are. Googling worked, though, and it seems like there are things that we can do. I think it would be hard to go alone, but could also be very healing – good luck with whatever you decide for the first meeting. I’ll be thinking of you. If you do go, please let me know how it goes.
I don’t think we’ll have the whole survey/quality assurance bit. Only my suspicion because it’s publicly funded (which can be a huge blessing, but I guess that’s one of the downfalls). I may say something regardless if I get to that point. Right now it just feels like work.
@ikrystal I’m so glad that you did get pictures of your boys. Thank you for the reassurance. Forgetting her really is my biggest fear right now. I’m sure that will change, but it’s what takes up most of my thoughts right now. I’ll be thinking of you too. I wish that none of you had to be part of this group, but I am so, so glad that it exists.
That is a great question, Beth. I have 4 angel-sons in heaven, but saying that out loud just sounds so so sad.
Loss support group update: I didn't go.
TTC since 10/2010
IUIs # 1-5 = BFFN
IVF # 1(July 2012) = BFN
IVF # 2 (November 2012) = BFP (MIssed MC D&C @ 8w3d on 1/10/13)
@MaiTaiBeth - this conversation cones up often here - in general the answer is different for everyone, honestly. For me - it depends who is asking. Some days and with strangers, I don't feel like sharing Colton, and so I will only talk about DS1. Fortunately, I haven't been asked often. My goal, my hope, my plan, is to say "I have two boys - Landon is 3 and Colton would be 6 months". I think you have to decide what is the best answer for you and know that what you answer isn't wrong and your LO knows you love them no matter what you say.
Just realizing that I have been going too much and I think I need to slow down and let myself be sad more. I feel like I try to push it all down and hold it in, and by the end of the week I am feeling overwhelmed with sadness. Sometimes I miss those first few weeks when no one expected anything of me and I could just be sad. Lately I feel like there's no time for being sad.
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
To schedule another appointment with our grief counselor. We haven't gone for a couple months but lately I've really been struggling with jealousy and bitterness and I hate feeling like this.
QOTW: Have you struggled with any relationships/friendships since your loss? If so do you plan to fix it or let those people go from your life?
There are a couple. Both made comments in the first few weeks that were hurtful. One is more of an acquaintance and I'm not too worried about what happens with the relationship. The other is a closer friend and our relationship was complicated before our loss, and while her comments certainly didn't help, I don't know what will happen. I feel like I want to repair the relationship at some point, but I'm not there yet. Thankfully, the most important relationships have held up and really proved themselves to be amazing friendships.
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?
I wish I could see a photo of a friends baby without feeling so incredibly jealous. And I wish Colton was here. He would be 6 months old and sitting up and maybe crawling and I just wish we were doing all of that instead of this.