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February 2013 Moms
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Those Intentionally Estranged from Their Mothers...

jesuisfatigueejesuisfatiguee member
edited March 2014 in February 2013 Moms
As our babies are getting older and more independent, and developing more and more personality, I was wondering how many of you are struggling with the old cliche of "becoming your mother." S+TMs, do you feel like you battled some of those demons with your first? 

Not to be an AW, but I have been having a bit of a rough patch lately, and was wondering if anyone else was having a similar experience. I don't actually think there was wisdom in the way my mother parented that I just couldn't see when I was younger (quite the opposite - I was very obedient and agreeable when I was younger), and it's really hard to fend off some well-ingrained though terribly flawed ideologies while raising a young child.

Makes me wish I'd invested in good therapy pre-baby, yanno? ;) 



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Re: Those Intentionally Estranged from Their Mothers...

  • SidraJediSidraJedi member
    I am too tired to respond to this now but I will try to later.
    For now:
    HUGS!
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  • Gftf7Gftf7 member
    Sorry to hear about your recent bumpy ride. I hope the road ahead allows for a smoother journey.

    Am I becoming my mother? Yes. In a lot of ways, yes I am. I like to think that being aware of that fact allows me to accept the common parenting techniques I want to keep and replace or upgrade the ones I would like to remain in my childhood.

    Have you considered going to an ECFE class? DH and I went to one this week that I enjoyed. It was about self esteem and the difference between "praise" (what was done when I was growing up) and "encouragement" (how things are done now). I'm still wrapping my head around all this. I say "good helper" (or good girl / good boy) to LO all the time. This focuses on the child and teaches them to seek approval from others. Instead I need to train myself to say "good job", which focuses on the child's behavior / choice and teaches them to "own" their choices and decisions.

    Probably not the kind of therapy you were referring to, but I really enjoyed learning something new about child development and parenting.

    I hope your path ahead becomes more clear in the very near future.
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  • RynleighRynleigh member
    I spent most of my life fully intending to never become my mother. She is a horrible person. There are very few things about her that I consider "good" qualities. I did very good at "not becoming" my mother in deed - but after I started learning about NPD this past summer, it opened my eyes to some of the more subtle traits that I hadn't noticed before, that I might have picked up in living with her. I have spent the last several months coming to terms with that, and revising the way I do some things. 

    I truly over-compensated with my eldest. We are working with her to help her overcome "learned GAD" (I have generalized anxiety disorder, in part due to growing up in the environment that my parents created, and my first was born before I was diagnosed and began seeking treatment - as a result, she has a lot of anxiety about things that I am triggered by, because she was exposed to my own uncontrolled anxiety during some of those peak years). You can see in my second daughter that she still has anxious reactions (and even panic attacks), but she also recovers faster, she doesn't have lingering anxious thoughts, and it does not interfere with her day-to-day activities... and I do think a lot of that has to do with me having more control over my own anxiety and my choice to recognize the things I do not like about my own reactions, and improving upon myself. 

    It does get better. With every step you take in your own journey to recognizing, recovering, and rebounding, you will gain confidence in your own parenting. You will learn to identify when you've made a poor choice, and you will feel proud of yourself for being able to accept it and then make changes in yourself. That is (I think) the biggest difference between a good mother and a crap mother: The willingness to reform ourselves when we realize we made a mistake. 
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    *Spontaneous* OHSS diagnosed 08.06.2012
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  • jesuisfatigueejesuisfatiguee member
    @Gftf7 - I haven't looked into an ECFE class, but I have done a bit of reading since DS was born (funny, almost none while I was pregnant lol). I can't fully resist calling him cute or handsome or adorable, but I do try to balance it with focusing on things he does well rather than innate traits and characteristics. Which is kind of funny, because I think the first thing I said to him was "good boy" when he latched on after I woke from my c/s :P 

    It's almost humorous that when my mom was a girl, she would ask her mother if she was pretty, her mother would say, "Sure, you're pretty. Not much demand for pretty girls, but you're pretty." Apparently that made my mom feel bad, so she made a point to focus on my outward appearance and compliment my appearances (juxtaposing against her own which were fat, ugly, awful, etc), which in turn has caused me some self-esteem and self-worth issues. What a friggin' cycle, right? I don't believe my mom is necessarily evil, but after remembering some *actual* abuse, I'm just not ready to confront or have contact with her yet. 

    @Rynleigh - I strongly believe my ex/DS' father suffers from NPD. Y'all would not believe the stories I could tell from 2012 :) 

    I am concerned about my emotional baggage rubbing off on DS and affecting him negatively. Awareness is good, but recovery is so slow (and sadly, not linear). To avoid losing too much sleep over it, I feel like I'm sort of blindly hoping that he'll somehow turn out ok :P 

    Your last paragraph is really, really encouraging, though. Especially since you've been a mom for more than a decade longer than I have, I feel like I can actually take your word for it that it does get better, you know? I've just been having a hard time all around, and these little themes will pop up that I know are deeply ingrained into my psyche from childhood. I am doing my best to be a gentle, connection-oriented, non-punitive parent, but I was raised to believe babies are essentially born bad, and children must be obedient for obedience's sake. A lot of kids were raised this way, but I find it had a really negative effect on me, setting me up to get into abusive, controlling, codependent relationships for years. And now it's affecting the way I deal with DS - or at least, the knee-jerk reaction in my head. 

    Separating my intellectual understanding and personal philosophy from my subconscious conditioning is one of the greatest challenges I've ever faced. 

    Sorry for the tl;dr :/



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  • SidraJediSidraJedi member
    I am still really tired but I will try to be articulate :\">

    My mom did a lot of overcompensating trying not to be her mom. I sure do stress about picking habits up from her by osmosis, but I have been actively trying to forget about (thanks therapy).

    I concentrate on who I want to be and what I want to say and do and go from there instead of thinking too hard about what I do not want to say and do.

    I'm so tired right now, but I hope that makes sense :)
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  • Gftf7Gftf7 member
    We're on a crazy road trip now, so not much time to think or respond. Will do so as soon as possible. Great stuff has been shared. I like all the life journey stuff. Hard, scary, but very rewarding. That's been my experience anyway. Hugs to you all.
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