August 2014 Moms

Need Your advice on In-laws involvement?

I'm almost 5 months pregnant (will be 20 weeks in 2 days) and My in laws have been non-existent during my whole pregnancy. My parents and his parents live in the same town less than 20 minutes away. I always thought we had a cordial relationship with both sets of parents. My hubby and I both are moving we need a bigger place, therefore packing, at the top of working long hours, house hunting every other night with the realtor, finding a house, closing on the house, moving/life in transition between 2 places basically going through a major life change. The only people who have maintained a relationship with us is my parents and my siblings. Not only have my parents called me every 3 days since they found out I'm expecting, brought me food, took us in for 3 weeks between our move to our new home when we didnt close on time, cooked dinner every night before I have a chance to come home from work, never complained or took our money when we offered, and in return gave my husband and I moral support.

In the 5 months, my inlaws on the other hand, only called my hubby twice to celebrate my FIL birthday, and one family event. When we did meet up with them on those 2 events. My MIL scolded me on little things, and I asked her if she was going to help with the baby shower, as no one is planning it, should my parents plan it? she never answered. I told my husband that if they cannot be concerned with me or our child, he will need to have a talk with them to be more involved because they are not even doing the bare minimum. I need advice if this is normal that inlaws are not involved. I don't want to hold any expectations from anyone but I'm appauled my parents are going above and beyond and his parents could care less. Its unfortunate. It would be really insulting to me if they decide to get involved after 9 months of my pregnancy which tells me they don't care for me, but just treat me like a uterus for their grandchild. I just want you ladies to keep me honest if this is ok behavior.

Re: Need Your advice on In-laws involvement?

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  • dogperson11dogperson11 member
    edited March 2014
    We've moved several times in the past few years and I would never expect my ILs (or anyone) to help me pack. I would also not expect special treatment because I'm pregnant (unless it's an extreme case). We are adults. We are married. We chose a life together. We don't need our parents approval or advice.

    If they've always acted like this (pre- pregnancy) you can't expect them to act any differently now. Maybe they assume that you and your husband don't want/need help with the move and everything it entailed.

    If this is new behavior I would have hurt feelings. As PP mentioned, maybe try to make a point to include them. My ILs are stand off-ish sometimes (usually when they're feeling left out) so we make a point of taking to them (or attempting to) once a week. Sometimes my husband will call, sometimes I'll text his mom, doesn't have to be drawn out or fancy.

    ETA: added some
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  • I am honestly confused about what you are expecting from your IL's. While it may suck that they aren't as excited about the baby as you guys are, it is your baby, not theirs. You can't expect them to take care of you, or hold them up to the same actions that your parents are doing. 
     
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  • I agree with everyone else that unless they've majorly changed how they treat you since you've gotten pregnant, I don't think you have a reason to be annoyed at them. I also think you're being petty saying that if they don't fawn over you while you're pregnant, then they don't deserve a relationship with their future grandchild(ren). It's your pregnancy, not theirs, and you're an adult who can take care of yourself. Extra support is awesome when offered, but I don't think it's fair to expect. Your child will also be yours once born, but also their grandchild. I FULLY expect them to be much more excited about their grandchild then about you pregnant. Even if you're annoyed at them, for your future child's sake do your best to move on. Most children love and cherish the wonderful relationships they have with their grandparents. I think it's important for grandparents to be involved in the lives of their grandchildren as much as they're willing and able.
  • I have wonderful in-laws.  They try to stay really involved. 
    However, they have lives of their own.  We got for periods of time with no contact.  They're both retired now and enjoying it. 
    As great as they have been to me (H and I lived with them for a month when we were buying a new house 4 years ago), they're not constantly in our lives. 

    Each relationship is different.  You can't expect significant changes in other people's lives just because you're experiencing significant changes in yours. 

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  • Thanks everyone for your advice. There is nothing more to the backstory other than I have two sister in laws, and my in laws are highly involved in their lives and even today watch my nieces and nephews several times a week, and my inlaws offer help without my SIL asking. My sister in laws received help from my inlaws during their pregnancy, and my mil throw them both a baby shower by their 5th month and bought each of my niece and nephew a crib set. SO I had always thought that they would do the same for me.  I didnt know if this was normal so thanks for telling me that I should not have any expectations is probably the best advice I can receive. But I do believe my feelings are valid, I feel forgotten.
  • Thanks Funnibunni80, your advice was the least judgmental. I will let it go even though I feel like crap.
  • Rstar1 said:
    Thanks everyone for your advice. There is nothing more to the backstory other than I have two sister in laws, and my in laws are highly involved in their lives and even today watch my nieces and nephews several times a week, and my inlaws offer help without my SIL asking. My sister in laws received help from my inlaws during their pregnancy, and my mil throw them both a baby shower by their 5th month and bought each of my niece and nephew a crib set. SO I had always thought that they would do the same for me.  I didnt know if this was normal so thanks for telling me that I should not have any expectations is probably the best advice I can receive. But I do believe my feelings are valid, I feel forgotten.
    When you say SILs, are these their daughters? Many people feel closer to their daughters than to their daughters-in-law. I call my mom almost daily, but talk to my MIL every few weeks either so they can skype with DD or when DH has called them and I get on the phone too. DH talks to them more often, but I never call MIL just to chat.

    It does sound like they'll be wonderful grandparents once baby is here, if you give them the chance.
  • No sheva, my inlaws have three sons. My sister in laws and I are married to their sons, those are not either own daughters. So I just understand why I am forgotten when they were involved in SIL preganancy and their lives. I dont have a strained or negative relationship with my inlaws, I thought I had a great relationship.
  • I'm sorry they were more present for your SILs.  I can see how that would hurt you...  but...  have they always had a better relationship with your SILs than with you?  Or your BILs than your H?  I think you can't hold them to the standard they set with your SILs because each relationship is different.

    For example, my dad had always loved my H and ex-BIL (until he cheated on my sister and abandoned my nephews...  but that's another story) equally...  but he was just more close to my H.  So, he was more likely to see something he thought my H would like and set it aside for him, buy the kind of beer he prefers, call him to tell him about things, etc.  It wasn't that he didn't love his other son in law...  they were just not close enough for that kind of relationship.  I don't think it would've been fair to fault my dad for this just like I think it's unfair to fault your ILs for possibly having a better relationship with your SILs.
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  • trawas01 said:
    Rstar1 said:
    Thanks Funnibunni80, your advice was the least judgmental. I will let it go even though I feel like crap.
    Who was judgmental? You asked and people answered, with zero snark.

    This however makes you sound whiney or needy.
    Trawas, unfortunately I will be first to admit that I am needy right now due to a major life change. I used to be pretty self sufficient. I probably need a good supportive group of people more than any other time in my life. It just wouldve been nice to get the same support as my SILs. But as everyone gave me advice to let it go and have no expectations. I will have to do just that. Thanks for the advice.
  • torooji said:
    I'm sorry they were more present for your SILs.  I can see how that would hurt you...  but...  have they always had a better relationship with your SILs than with you?  Or your BILs than your H?  I think you can't hold them to the standard they set with your SILs because each relationship is different.

    For example, my dad had always loved my H and ex-BIL (until he cheated on my sister and abandoned my nephews...  but that's another story) equally...  but he was just more close to my H.  So, he was more likely to see something he thought my H would like and set it aside for him, buy the kind of beer he prefers, call him to tell him about things, etc.  It wasn't that he didn't love his other son in law...  they were just not close enough for that kind of relationship.  I don't think it would've been fair to fault my dad for this just like I think it's unfair to fault your ILs for possibly having a better relationship with your SILs.
    Thanks trooji, all the SILs have the same level of cordial relationship with my in laws. They were involved in my SILs lives, but not in mine. I'm really confused as to why the different treatment.
  • Rstar1 said:
    torooji said:
    I'm sorry they were more present for your SILs.  I can see how that would hurt you...  but...  have they always had a better relationship with your SILs than with you?  Or your BILs than your H?  I think you can't hold them to the standard they set with your SILs because each relationship is different.

    For example, my dad had always loved my H and ex-BIL (until he cheated on my sister and abandoned my nephews...  but that's another story) equally...  but he was just more close to my H.  So, he was more likely to see something he thought my H would like and set it aside for him, buy the kind of beer he prefers, call him to tell him about things, etc.  It wasn't that he didn't love his other son in law...  they were just not close enough for that kind of relationship.  I don't think it would've been fair to fault my dad for this just like I think it's unfair to fault your ILs for possibly having a better relationship with your SILs.
    Thanks trooji, all the SILs have the same level of cordial relationship with my in laws. They were involved in my SILs lives, but not in mine. I'm really confused as to why the different treatment.
    Well...  if the relationships are the same at face value, has anything else changed?  Are your ILs busier, sicker, more stressed?  It could have nothing to do with you and just be a matter of poor timing.  Maybe they just don't have the metal bandwidth right now that they had when your SILs were pregnant.

    Whatever the reason, I agree with letting it go.  It sounds like if precedent hadn't been set with your SILs you wouldn't be expecting anything.  So just go with that.  If they do something nice, great.  If they want a relationship with their grandbaby later, that's great too.  Try not to hold on to the hurt/hard feelings...  you're going to be stuck with these people for an awfully long time and letting something like this hurt the relationship would be really unfortunate.
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  • Ptarma said:
    My in-laws are basically non existent in our lives and DS's life. DH's dad passed away before we met. I've met DH's mom 3 times (once before our wedding, she came to our wedding, and she visited after DS was born). DH and his mom just aren't close; it's civil but that's about it. So, no she wasn't involved in any baby showers, birth etc. But even so, if she wanted to be more involved that would be cool with me! I just don't hold out for it. We are pretty fortunate in that my family is all very involved. My parents are divorced and remarried so DS still has 2 sets of very involved grandparents and an Auntie and Uncle who would do anything for him. All situations are different; I feel very fortunate for the family we have that is involved.
    Ptarma, Thanks for sharing your story. 
  • I can kind of understand where you're coming from. DH and I had a close relationship with my ILs before we got pregnant. MIL would call or text. We'd hang out just the 4 of us (DH has a large family). Etc. When we starting TTC her response was "babies are forever". I thought it was strange but she had been so excited and involved when BIL and and his wife announced their pregnancy that I was sure that it would change. She seemed really excited when we announced at Christmas but then I haven't heard from her since. Not a single phone call or text. Nada. She hasn't checked in with me to see how I'm doing or how LO is. She talks about everything but our baby the few times I've seen her (including how other people's pregnancies are going-good or bad). I get one word responses when I text an u/s photo or update. It's hurtful. I think what you're saying is not that you want to move in with them or expect them to cook dinner, but just that the complete lack of interest is hurtful. Especially in comparison with your parents who are so excited and involved with this baby. Keep in mind that she threw showers for her daughters, just as your mother will throw you a shower. I would certainly not expect my MIL (regardless of how close we are/were) to throw my shower, nor would I take that away from my mom. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. Sometimes people can be so careless without realizing it. You're allowed to feel whatever the hell you want, so go on and feel it. Just remember- the only thing that we can effect when it comes to people is our expectations. :) Good luck mama!
    Thank you, I'm not insane.
  • potterowl said:
    Just throwing in that you don't plan your own shower or coordinate it. People offer. It is a gift. People aren't going to be as excited as you. It's your baby.
    It sounded like, to me anyway from the way she worded it, that she was asking purely for her mothers information.  Kind of like, hey my mom wants to know if you want to help with the shower.  Which makes sense...  Not that she's trying to coordinate, just asking on her own mothers behalf
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  • I know I definitely didn't mean to sound judgy. Sorry if it came across like that.
    Giving us more details about how they treat SILs sheds some light on your issue with them.
    I think it's always hard when family members aren't treated equally.
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  • Raclla said:

    I know I definitely didn't mean to sound judgy. Sorry if it came across like that.
    Giving us more details about how they treat SILs sheds some light on your issue with them.
    I think it's always hard when family members aren't treated equally.

    I agree with this and also didn't intend to come across judgy. My MIL favors my SIL (married to her son) WAY more then me, so I can definitely feel for you. Like I originally said, not much you can do about it besides offering to include them. It's up to then wether or not they include themselves at that point.
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  • Rstar1 said:
    No sheva, my inlaws have three sons. My sister in laws and I are married to their sons, those are not either own daughters. So I just understand why I am forgotten when they were involved in SIL preganancy and their lives. I dont have a strained or negative relationship with my inlaws, I thought I had a great relationship.
    That makes things quite a bit different. We can only go by what you tell us and as others have said, I don't think you have the right to *expect* them to do all the things they did with/for your SILs, but I could certainly understand more why you feel hurt. It sucks when people seem to prefer one of their children above another though I don't think there's anything you can do about it. I do think a grandparent/child relationship is important enough for you to go out of your way to have a decent relationship with them, even if they're not reciprocating. I'm sorry that seems to be the case -- that sucks.
  • Wow. It sounds like you have a lot of stressful life changes coming at you all at once! That, combined with the normal worries & hormones associated with pregnancy, can really make an upsetting issue so much worse. If I were you, I would just focus on the blessings of the good people in your life. Your own family sounds wonderful! Just let your in laws be.

    Believe me, I know. My husband's sister couldn't care less. She has not even said "congratulations" to us. I'm not exaggerating! I've gotten upset about it, but then I remind myself that she's always been awful. So it's no surprise.
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  • I'm curious about what kind of support or involvement is needed in your pregnancy from your inlaws or anybody really. People congratulated me when we announced and since then we've gone about our lives. I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm really just curious as to what you mean. I would be upset if my inlaws weren't involved in the baby's life after it's born but there really isn't anything for anyone to do before that. 

    Wanting help during a move or something like that is completely understandable, wanting MIL to be involved in the baby shower is too. But involvement in a pregnancy I don't understand. 
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  • Rstar1 said:
    No sheva, my inlaws have three sons. My sister in laws and I are married to their sons, those are not either own daughters. So I just understand why I am forgotten when they were involved in SIL preganancy and their lives. I dont have a strained or negative relationship with my inlaws, I thought I had a great relationship.
    This makes a huge difference. I thought that your SILs were your IL daughters. Being that they are also daughter in laws as you are, I would feel slighted as well.
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  • potterowl said:
    Just throwing in that you don't plan your own shower or coordinate it. People offer. It is a gift. People aren't going to be as excited as you. It's your baby.
    It sounded like, to me anyway from the way she worded it, that she was asking purely for her mothers information.  Kind of like, hey my mom wants to know if you want to help with the shower.  Which makes sense...  Not that she's trying to coordinate, just asking on her own mothers behalf

    Hey ladies, thanks for your comments. I know that I'm not suppose to throw my own baby shower, or never demanded my MIL to throw me one. Its a gift I know. The topic came up because my hubby brought up that my sister would be coming to town in May and it would be ideal time to have the baby sower. MIL asked me who was throwing the baby shower, and I told her no one has offered, should my mom throw it? and she never answered. I guess that comment about my mom just came out of my mouth because naturally she is a lot more involved. I dont why I said it, it seemed natural at the time. My MIL silence spoke for her response.
  • I'm sorry if any of the PPs came off as judgy. I don't think anyone was being snarky or trying to hurt your feelings - everyone was just trying to provide the best advice based on the information initially provided. Now that we have a clearer picture of what's going on in terms of your ILs relationships with your SILs, I feel like people will be much more understanding of your worries and hurt feelings.

    I myself don't really have any advice for you since my situation is not at all similar, except for that if your ILs don't want to be involved in your pregnancy or your child's life, fuck 'em. You have the baby, so you have the power. And if they want a relationship with you, your kid, and possibly your husband in the future, they're going to have to come around on some level. That's a boundary that you get to set, and they have to abide by.

    Stay strong, girl!

    Thanks Toratoratori! please no apologies, I will stay strong and my ILs hopefully will come around. One can only hope!
  • Raclla said:
    I know I definitely didn't mean to sound judgy. Sorry if it came across like that. Giving us more details about how they treat SILs sheds some light on your issue with them. I think it's always hard when family members aren't treated equally.
    It is hard to be treated differently and I was wondering if it was normal behavior for ILs to be that way. I will take everyone's advice here and let it go. Thanks and no apologies.
  • I know I definitely didn't mean to sound judgy. Sorry if it came across like that. Giving us more details about how they treat SILs sheds some light on your issue with them. I think it's always hard when family members aren't treated equally.
    I agree with this and also didn't intend to come across judgy. My MIL favors my SIL (married to her son) WAY more then me, so I can definitely feel for you. Like I originally said, not much you can do about it besides offering to include them. It's up to then wether or not they include themselves at that point.

    Thanks for the advice, i appreciate it!
  • Rstar1 said:
    No sheva, my inlaws have three sons. My sister in laws and I are married to their sons, those are not either own daughters. So I just understand why I am forgotten when they were involved in SIL preganancy and their lives. I dont have a strained or negative relationship with my inlaws, I thought I had a great relationship.
    I definitely think this would have been good information to include so we would all know just how strange it is that they are investing all this time on them and not you. If i always went out of my way to spend time with them and i felt like they wern't receptive but were overly receptive to others than i would for sure be hurt.

    However, on the other hand - do you go out of your way to always overly include them in your life? I say this because im in a similar situation. My DH has 2 brothers so my in-laws only have DIL's - both of which sets have children. They are very very active in the lives of both, watch the kids all the time, etc. However, my DH and I are a little bit more private and dont need as much of the help - now in our pregnancy and also when baby comes. We are very self sufficient. So although we see them and talk to them often, they arent over every day like they are with by DH's brothers families. So when baby comes, i can only imagine that although baby will be loved and they will spend lots of time with them, it wont be AS MUCH time as they spend with my neices and nephews on that side because we dont need them to do the watching and stuff like that that my BIL/SIL's do. And thats ok. You get what you put in.  They are still going to be great grandparents, and i know my child is going to be loved but i dont need them as much as the others and they know it/i know it and its ok. Maybe your MIL/FIL feel like that, like you dont need them to be so in-your-face because you haven't needed them like that.

     Now, like i said, if you are always going out of your way to involve them and they arent receptive and just focus attention on the other SIL's and children, then yes i totally would be hurt and totally know where your coming from. Ill i can say them is sometimes people just have different relationships, it sucks and still stings but the more you accept it, the more you can go on without hurting as much.

    Thank you so much for your advice and I should have included my SIL in the backstory. I just wanted to know if it was an ok behavior for my parents to be involved, and his parents to be dormant. I always had a good relationship with my in laws but it was because I included them in our lives, dinners, birthdays, hangouts, but when I stopped they stopped. I cannot be the one to initiate first everytime, there should be give and take. Thanks for your advice and I will try to accept it for what it is but i'm certainly not going out of my way.
  • I think it's fair for you to feel upset, they're obviously treating your SILs differently and that sucks. But I don't think you can demand any more involvement from them. They aren't being negligent really, just not as involved as you'd like. It sucks. I think at this point you should take more comfort in how involved your parents are being and just lower the expectations for your ILs. If you don't expect anything from them and they do one nice thing it's a step up.

    Thanks for the advice. I wished my ILs could even do the bare minimum for me, a phone call would be nice, but I will lower my expectations.
  • I know I definitely didn't mean to sound judgy. Sorry if it came across like that. Giving us more details about how they treat SILs sheds some light on your issue with them. I think it's always hard when family members aren't treated equally.
    I agree with this and also didn't intend to come across judgy. My MIL favors my SIL (married to her son) WAY more then me, so I can definitely feel for you. Like I originally said, not much you can do about it besides offering to include them. It's up to then wether or not they include themselves at that point.

    no worries, dogperson, thank you so much for your advice!
  • Wow. It sounds like you have a lot of stressful life changes coming at you all at once! That, combined with the normal worries & hormones associated with pregnancy, can really make an upsetting issue so much worse. If I were you, I would just focus on the blessings of the good people in your life. Your own family sounds wonderful! Just let your in laws be. Believe me, I know. My husband's sister couldn't care less. She has not even said "congratulations" to us. I'm not exaggerating! I've gotten upset about it, but then I remind myself that she's always been awful. So it's no surprise.

    Gosh, stressful life, and life change combined with hormones, aint that the truth!! Thanks for your advice. I will take your advice and count my blessings for my wonderful parents to being involved, they definitely have restored my faith in humanity :)
  • I'm curious about what kind of support or involvement is needed in your pregnancy from your inlaws or anybody really. People congratulated me when we announced and since then we've gone about our lives. I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm really just curious as to what you mean. I would be upset if my inlaws weren't involved in the baby's life after it's born but there really isn't anything for anyone to do before that. 

    Wanting help during a move or something like that is completely understandable, wanting MIL to be involved in the baby shower is too. But involvement in a pregnancy I don't understand. 

    My ILs were very much involved in my SILs pregnancies so it thought it would be the same being involved in mine. Shame on me for assuming.
  • @Rstar1‌, I have a thought on maybe why your inlaws are less involved.  It sounds like your parents are covering all bases (you are so blessed!  Awesome parents!).  Maybe the ILs think you don't need them.  I think parents often (consciously or not) favor the children who need the most help from them.  Your ILs should treat you all equally, but maybe they are not offering to help because they think you have all the help you need.  That said, I understand why you feel forgotten and I would feel that way if I were in your shoes, too. 

    My MIL is great with my kids, and sometimes I see my mom stepping back when she is around because she doesn't want to compete for the kids' attention.  She says my MIL is putting on the "grandma" show, ha!

    FWIW, my inlaws have generally shown very little interest in my pregnancies, other than to occasionally ask my H how I am feeling.  He isn't that close to his parents (for good reason - that's another story!).  Now that we have kids, they are interested in them, but it isn't the close relationship I hope to have one day with my grand kids.  (I hope to be a parent / grandparent like your parents are to you!). These relationships come in all shapes and sizes, and I am ok with the way it is.  And honestly, if I weren't ok with it, it wouldn't make a bit of difference!  These people are who they are and nothing I say or do will change the dynamic at this point.  I hope for the best it can be, given the circumstances and personalities involved. 

    Good luck to you, and you never know.  You have 20 more weeks and your ILs might surprise you!
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  • Rstar1 said:
    I'm curious about what kind of support or involvement is needed in your pregnancy from your inlaws or anybody really. People congratulated me when we announced and since then we've gone about our lives. I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm really just curious as to what you mean. I would be upset if my inlaws weren't involved in the baby's life after it's born but there really isn't anything for anyone to do before that. 

    Wanting help during a move or something like that is completely understandable, wanting MIL to be involved in the baby shower is too. But involvement in a pregnancy I don't understand. 

    My ILs were very much involved in my SILs pregnancies so it thought it would be the same being involved in mine. Shame on me for assuming.
    Involved in pregnancy how? By doing what? I'm really at a loss as to what they did with your SILs that they aren't doing with you? Do you mean calling/asking about the pregnancy or more than that?
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  • My in laws have almost no contact with my daughter. Sometimes it bothers dh because he sees how involved my parents are with her and with this pregnancy. He asked me once if I thought he should ask them to show more interest in dd. I told him I didn't want them to be any more involved than what they wanted to be. So sorry your in laws are acting this way. I know it stinks but I just try and focus on all the awesome family and church family who love my little girl. I'm not going to worry about those who don't

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  • My in laws have almost no contact with my daughter. Sometimes it bothers dh because he sees how involved my parents are with her and with this pregnancy. He asked me once if I thought he should ask them to show more interest in dd. I told him I didn't want them to be any more involved than what they wanted to be. So sorry your in laws are acting this way. I know it stinks but I just try and focus on all the awesome family and church family who love my little girl. I'm not going to worry about those who don't

    Thank you so much beachbum! I should count my blessings for the good people in my life and not focus on others who dont want to be involved.
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