Question about 4 year old and exploration of her body...

shaina925 · March 2014

I nanny for two girls ages 2 and 4. Last week the 4 year old started laying on her stomach and putting her hands under so that she could touch herself (over the pants) this happened right next to me and several times off and on. When I went back the next time she did it again. I just ignored the behavior, because obviously she is not my daughter. The question is, do I say anything to the Mother? I mean, of course it is normal for children to be curious about their bodies, I just do not know how to go about this. Any advice/suggestions would be great. Thank you.

nopegoat · March 2014

I have caught my oldest with his hands in his pants several times. I try not to make a huge deal about but just casually tell him that we only do that in private.

If you aren't super close with the mom could you bring it up casually and just tell her that you noticed the girl touching herself more and ask if her if she thinks her daughter could have a uti and its irritating her maybe? Then if she says she has noticed it as well ask her how she wants you to handle it? I don't know. That is a hard one lol.

shaina925 · March 2014

Thank you for the reply. It is definitely not a UTI, she is touching it because she likes it. But, I see what you are saying with that, and bringing that up with the Mom. This is a new nanny job, I have only been there for a few weeks. The mom is very, very nice though. For now I am going to leave it, I think if I go there again and she is basically doing it all day, I might say something. For the most part I keep her occupied by playing games and what not. But any down time she seems to have..this is what she goes to.

nopegoat · March 2014

Oh yea I don't think its a uti either just a way to start the conversation and see if the mom has noticed it and what (if anything) she is doing about it.

Yea. You are right I would probably leave it alone for a bit. Who knows the novelty of it may go away and you may not have to say anything at all. GL!

RandiMT · March 2014

This says, just as you have, that it's normal and as she grows to know it's inappropriate in public she will start doing it more in private times. https://www.summitmedicalgroup.com/library/pediatric_health/pa-hhgbeh_masturbation/

I think it's appropriate to leave it to the parents. They may have noticed it and have chosen to ignore it. The website says to try to distract her or call her attention to something else. I think if you're unable to distract her, or you feel uncomfortable, you should bring it up to her parents with the excuse of "a possible UTI or yeast infection." The website said to ignore masturbation at nap time though.

How awkward though! Right beside you? I definitely would have been uncomfortable, especially since it's not my child to correct.

shaina925 · March 2014

Yes, it is awkward. Sometimes when I try to distract her by asking her something, she will continue to do it and answer me during it. When I first saw it, I pretty much did a double take, but then I remembered a while back I was watching a 5 year old girl and she did the same thing, only she excused herself to her room. So I am completely aware that this happens at this young age. Instead of distracting her with talking we need to play a game or something.

She definitely has no idea what she is doing, she just discovered, hey when I do this I like it... so I am going to do it.

Helenahhandbasket · March 2014

fredalina said:

Just bring it up casually. There will likely be a lot of those situations. My 4 year old asks so many hard questions almost every day it makes my head spin. She knows very detailed information about gestation, labor, and delivery, what happens if something goes wrong (breech birth, Caesarian birth), etc. She is inches away from asking the right questions to find out how the baby gets in there. She was adopted and her birth parents are addicts, so I've already had to explain addiction (no, not one plus one). She also has a rather odd obsession with the birth and crusifiction of Jesus Christ. She loves to hear about the bad men who killed him. She even posed a very astute theory: Maybe he didn't die all the way and when they came to check on him 3 days later he thought they were the bad men and hid from them. Oh, and meat. I don't eat it and ostensibly she doesn't either (I have some doubts about preschool). She wants to know about what animal such and such meat comes from, whether x animal is meat, whether sharks eat said animal, etc. That's how she knows what a cannibal is. Point is, all of those things are things different parents would want handled differently. Obviously I'm very open and honest, but this mom might not be quite so much. Religion is also not as much of a focus so I'm ok with her "sacrilege" related to the resurrection, haha. Some moms wouldn't be. FWIW, in my house I simply remind my kiddo she can touch her vulva in private. So she'd get a simple redirection and move on.

I have nothing to add, other than this is incredibly insightful coming from a LO! Wow!

ppants · March 2014

I would tell the parents for sure. Obviously masturbation is a normal healthy thing. I've always told my kids that they are in charge of their bodies and if it want to touch themselves that's ok, but it needs to be done in private since it is their private parts.

shaina925 · March 2014

Yea, this is so a conversation that I do not want to have...

Today was not so great, we started off fine and then they wanted to listen to the Disney station on my Pandora, well that left her with some time to herself so it happened. I tried to distract her by taking her sister and having a dance party, but she stayed on the couch.

Here is the problem, when I get there the mother has the little one who demands her attention and then when she gets home she has both that demands her attention. I also do not want to have this conversation with the mother in front of the child, there is just not really an opportunity for us to have a private conversation. I will need to figure something out....

shaina925 · March 2014

Also, if she does it this much with me, I wouldn't be surprised if she does the same thing when her mother is around.

dogperson11 · March 2014

Kimbus22 said:
I'd mention it to the mother, tell her how I was dealing with it and ask if she wanted me to handle it differently.

This exactly. If the kid did another behavior randomly that you're unsure of you'd mention it. Yes, it can be a little awkward to bring up, but your job is to care for the child in her parents absence and fill them in on behaviors they were gone for. I wouldn't like finding out my nanny didn't tell me something like this.

ppants · March 2014

Kimbus22 said:

shaina925 said:

Yea, this is so a conversation that I do not want to have...

Today was not so great, we started off fine and then they wanted to listen to the Disney station on my Pandora, well that left her with some time to herself so it happened. I tried to distract her by taking her sister and having a dance party, but she stayed on the couch.

Here is the problem, when I get there the mother has the little one who demands her attention and then when she gets home she has both that demands her attention. I also do not want to have this conversation with the mother in front of the child, there is just not really an opportunity for us to have a private conversation. I will need to figure something out....

Just tell her you want to talk to her privately. She can stick the kids in front of the tv with a snack for ten minutes or you can set up a time to call her.

This exactly.

Rin13 · March 2014

You need to talk to her. It's awkward and mom may be busy, but this is an important conversation to have. This little girl really needs some guidance. When I worked for a summer program a couple of years ago we had a little girl that never learned masterbation was something private. She would do it during nap time, during read-aloud, and when she was bored on field trips. We had so many issues because of it. Talk with the mom!

stellasmommy412 · March 2014

If it's not your kid, there isn't much you can do other than reporting it to the parents, but tread lightly. They may not care. My sister doesn't say anything to her kids. If it was my kid, I would correct her. Otherwise, she would be doing it in public or at school or something. And that just isn't acceptable.

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