Feel like a sh!t friend. Triggers

EMarieMe · March 2014

I've thought about posting this here before, but I've hesitated because I want to protect this friends privacy. I'm hoping I can get perspectives from those of you who may have suffered loss and are willing to weigh in. I will keep details pretty generic so that if she ever stumbles upon this she wont feel violated. I am so appreciative to anyone who is willing to share their thoughts. Please don't read this if you are in a bad place as it's as sad as can be and deals with some serious pain.

I'I know I've mentioned this before, but one of the reasons we are one and done, besides all the good stuff like time, money, etc is due to the fact that H being born alive was due to random luck.

My full birth story is on the High Risk board, but since then I've had more doctors continue to comment on how lucky we were. The quick version: I was at a routine NST when his heart rate crashed for an unknown reason. They got it back up with terbutalene, but it happened again shortly later and my OB and the peri decided to pull him 3 weeks early. He had a true knot that had been undetected on many ultrasounds and as I had some early contractions it was cutting his oxygen supply when I contracted. Not for long enough to do damage, but would have been if he'd gone through the birth canal. Stats vary, but roughly 30% of still births are due to true knots. I've now also had to different OB's tell me that for every two true knots they see, one baby will be stillborn.

H came out just fine via C-section, but my OB said that I grew a really long umbilical cord which is genetic, and we would be labeled high risk if I tried again. If you have one true knot you would be more likely to have one again.

Alright, so my friend...,we were pregnant together, her just a bit ahead. Her LO was stillborn shortly before his due date to a suspected cord issue. Rightfully so, she pulled away and I supported from afar. We slowly started to reconnect. I've been proactive by reading Still Standing magazine, and other materials on how to support someone through this. We're on opposite coasts, but have really reconnected and email about one a week.

She didn't know about H's birth as we didn't post on FB. In actuality, my OB didn't admit to me how dangerous it was until a few weeks later as he hadn't wanted to freak me out and everything had turned out fine.

I of course didn't share this with my friend, but slowly, when she asked about H, she started inching back in time, so first "What is he doing now?" to "When did he start XYZ?" finally, this past week inquiring about the reason he was early and what happened.

I've really struggled with how to tell her, because we have mutual friends in the town she lives in and I didn't want her to hear through the grapevine.

I ended up taking a few days to respond, because I was really torn on how honest to be. I feel like there is no way this won't hurt her. I considered putting in the whole story but in the end, I closed the email by saying that Holt's birth was a controlled emergency and we got lucky that a complication was caught at a routine appointment. I told her that if she was interested I would give her the details, but that I believed it would be hard for her to hear and that it was totally up to her.

I feel like shit over this. I know she feels like shit all the time and that makes me feel even more shitty. I have zero freaking chance not to hurt her. I'm willing to go away if that's what she wants. All I want to do is do what she needs to get through this, but should I have not even told her anything at all?

Did I just make it worse? I don't know. I just don't know.

I'm not even sure why I posted this other than to get it out there. I know I hurt her. I know it. Fudge.

[Deleted User] · March 2014

Oh, I don't think you made it worse. I think the response you gave was a good one. She should know that you are doing your best to protect her feelings while also being open to her questions. I'm sure it's hard not to feel guilty, but it's not your fault that the two of your had similar issues with vastly different outcomes. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, I'm sure you hurt for your friend too. I think you're doing your best.

EMarieMe · March 2014

Thanks @rocknrollfriend. My husband said similar, but it's good to get the perspective of other Mom's. I appreciate you weighing in.

gwendarling · March 2014

I agree, you answered inthe best way possible.

MrsCodeMonkey · March 2014

Even though your friend suffered a loss, she can still be happy for you. Don't sweat it. She'll be okay. It's something she needs to come to terms with on her own. The best you can do is to be there and listen.

LittleFish1 · March 2014

lurking in ... agree with the others, you gave a good response. As she is coming to terms with what happened, she'll probably want more info & eventually the full story one day. Might be nice to do in person if possible.

Takes time to heal & process.

hopefulmom81 · March 2014

I think you answered perfectly. You can't control the circumstances of your story any more than she could have controlled the circumstances of her story. You gave her an option to hear more that she can take or not. YOU didn't hurt her, the loss of her DC hurt her, kwim?

EMarieMe · March 2014

Thank you all. Just writing it out has helped a bit. I know that there's not much I can do but be there for her how she wants. I'll try to be the friend she needs as she needs it, even if that might mean I fade away for awhile.

PB102012 · March 2014

rocknrollfriend said:
Oh, I don't think you made it worse. I think the response you gave was a good one. She should know that you are doing your best to protect her feelings while also being open to her questions. I'm sure it's hard not to feel guilty, but it's not your fault that the two of your had similar issues with vastly different outcomes. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, I'm sure you hurt for your friend too. I think you're doing your best.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

csspencer · March 2014

You shared just enough that she knows something happened and you left the ball in her court. While my losses were much earlier, my biggest issue was people always ignoring me or not trying to upset me. You said enough so she can decide if ahe wants the rest of the story, but you didn't back so far off that she feels like you think she's too fragile. You did good.

Helenahhandbasket · March 2014

I don't think you made it worse, and I haven't read the other responses yet, but I would keep your birth story to yourself. Your son is still here and her LO is gone. Nothing can change that and I can't see what good will come from you telling her the nitty gritty details of your story-- esp since your outcome was positive (though I am sure scary).

You already said that their were complications, that's more than enough info.

That being said-- you sound like an immensely caring friend. Keep supporting her from afar and follow her lead on the pace of your re connecting. GL.

JackoftheBox · March 2014

You handled this the best you could. You and your friend will just have to slowly build your relationship back up. I'm sure she is just feeling a lot of emotions and its hard for her to fully decide how she feels. Continue to support her and respect her space. That's all you can do.

EMarieMe · March 2014

Thanks again for the continued support. I'm glad I didn't put the whole story in there. On one board I lurked someone had given some advice to someone else (in a semi-related situation) about including the story but just putting some space in the email so they could scroll down if they wanted too. I had started to do that but for some reason it felt shitty, like teasing or something. This sucks. She hasn't written back yet. I'm going to go start a happier thread because I don't want to unload on ya'll any longer.

Helenahhandbasket · March 2014

BostonKisses2 said:

I agree, I really don't think you made it worse. Let her come to you with this. If she wants to know, she can ask knowing that you said the full story would likely hurt. Maybe in time she'll be able to handle the full story, maybe not. But again, I'd let her lead and only discuss if she asks to discuss further.

I'm so sorry your friend is going through this, and that you went through such a scary complication.

I already responded, but I completely agree. I also just want to ask why you feel compelled to share the full birth story? What good can come out of it? If you suspect it will make her feel closer to you-- I would be cautious, as it may have the opposite effect. Just my .02.

EMarieMe · March 2014

Helenahhandbasket said:

BostonKisses2 said:

I agree, I really don't think you made it worse. Let her come to you with this. If she wants to know, she can ask knowing that you said the full story would likely hurt. Maybe in time she'll be able to handle the full story, maybe not. But again, I'd let her lead and only discuss if she asks to discuss further.

I'm so sorry your friend is going through this, and that you went through such a scary complication.

I already responded, but I completely agree. I also just want to ask why you feel compelled to share the full birth story? What good can come out of it? If you suspect it will make her feel closer to you-- I would be cautious, as it may have the opposite effect. Just my .02.

I don't feel compelled to share the whole story and I don't believe that I implied I did in my post. What I'm worried about is that a mutual friend will tell her and she will feel as if its something I hid from her. This was my attempt at trying to mitigate that scenario so she could reach out or not if she needed or maybe even shut down friends if she felt that they were going there. Every step I take in this I'm trying to make it about her, I'm just in a bit of a lose/lose here and was asking for reassurance that NOT sharing was probably the right step. I take zero pleasure in being in this situation and am under no delusions that sharing the full birth story will do anything other than make her feel terrible.

Helenahhandbasket · March 2014

@emarieme-- I guess I misunderstood your OP?

Regardless-- it seems like all of the posters agree that not telling the full birth story is the way to go. If you are concerned about a friend spilling details, ask them not to.

Good luck to you & sympathies to your friend.

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