intro and question

acbarbour · February 2014

Hello All,

I used to post occasionally on other boards when I was pregnant but I haven't in some time so I am introducing myself to your guys. I am married mom of two DS with BD and DD with MH. Yesterday I think I said to much about DS father to him out of annoyance.

**Backstory** BD has never been involved significantly and often goes a full year without contact. Our CO gives me sole legal and physical custody with visitation limited to one weekend a month Sat at 9am to Sun at 6pm within the state (He lives 7 hours north of us). This order has been in place for 2 years. DS saw him once for an hour at a train station and has gotten about 5 10-15 mins phone calls since then.

I met MH when DS was 5 months old and we got married when he was 7, he is 9 now. When he was 5 DS told MH that he was his daddy because he does all the daddy stuff (there was a list he made) and asked if he could call him daddy and could he change his name to his. We talked and decided to wait. He started calling him daddy on his own a few days later.

FAST FORWARD. two days ago he gets a phone call from BD and they chat for a few mins and afterwards DS says I wish I could call Daddy (DH) by his name because I have a dad. We talked and I reminded him of why he calls him daddy and moved on. Yesterday he starts crying and says he misses BD and I am keeping them apart. I said to much. I told him that BD is supposed to come see him once a month and never does, he is supposed to call twice a week and doesn't, and reminded him that he did call or send a gift for his birthday or christmas ever. I told him it is not my job or his to try and ge BD to participate and love the people that love him.

I have always tried to let him form his own opinions of BD and not say anything bad about him but that is out the windown now. I need advise, what to do now?

VedaFlash · February 2014

I am not one to tell you what to do but I do have 2 stepsons who don't hardly see their mom. We always made sure to watch what we said to them about her, never badmouth her. She chooses to be out of their lives on her own and won't contact them so there are many times they don't know where she is, how she is, etc. They are getting older now and we don't make excuses for her so they can see just how everything is. The title of what he calls people isn't that important, and kids usually do that sort of changing on their own in accordance with their feelings, as long as it's not forced by any parent. My boys have switched from calling me my name and some form of mom/mama. It changes back and forth from time to time. Right now one calls me mama and the other calls me my name. It doesn't matter to me what they call me, what matters is how our relationship is with each other. And sometimes the other parent hears someone else being called their title and that stings, so they will encourage them not to do it. I wouldn't push the issue and allow your child to come to a conclusion on his own. Maybe he will come up with his own title for either his BD or your H. One's "daddy" and the other "papa" or whatever. One time on the phone talking to BM, the younger SS called BM by her name and she about came unglued. Some people are more sensitive to this stuff than others.

emikat · February 2014

Agree with what @vedaflash said. Never badmouth the bioparent. I can't stand SS's mom and she's a complete horror to deal with but he will never hear that from me because I know it will come back to bite me and DH in the butts one day. SS has called me various things from auntie my name, mommy X, etc. I fully expect him to drop the mommy one day. I'm not into children calling me by my full first name, so the day he doesn't want to call me mom, mommy, mama x, then I'll find a nickname he can use and we'll decide together what that is.

fellesferie · February 2014

You can't unring the bell, so I think you should try to be as honest as possible with your kiddo. Tell him that you were upset, and you said a few things that you wish you hadn't. Then just give him a big hug, and tell him grown ups make mistakes too. Then try to redirect, and just do better in the future.

My DS is 9, and DH has been his full time dad since he was 3.5. He calls both DH and XH (his biological father) 'Daddy.' XH lives 2k miles away, but does see DS 5ish times a year. DS has a lot of issues around XH and him being so far away, and sometimes he blames me. It's certainly hard to hear that. All we tell DS is that we have never once said no when XH asked for him. When he asks why XH lives where he lives or anything about that, we tell him thats a conversation for XH & DS. Otherwise, we use hugs and cuddles for comfort, and distractions.

acbarbour · February 2014

Sorry for posting and running we had a very busy weekend and my computer was being used for a homework project. Thanks for the advice, we talked about it and are working through it and he asked if we (all the adults and him) could talk about things but BD didn't answer when we called so we let him invite some friends over for video games and pizza for a few hours and MH was Daddy again so we are taking things one day at a time. I don't feel so bad after hearing your experiences and the call to BD being ignored.

ldmessing · February 2014

IMO you did not badmouth the other parent, you told the child the truth. There is a difference you know

acbarbour · February 2014

Thanks @idamessing. I have been telling myself that but I feel like I burst his bubble becuase he looked so upset at the end. I dont want to lie to him to keep this crazy illusion of BD together so it was eventually going to come out. He is fine now

ldmessing · February 2014

while we want to protect our children, candy coating the truth or lying about the other parents shortcomings, really does them no favors in the long run. it only raises their hopes and expectations.

I find with my sks a simple "I don't know, you will have to ask your mother why...(she isn't here, why she is late) works best

really all you can do it pick up the pieces anyway, you can't shield them from the disapointment of having a shitty parent

Ilumine · February 2014

You did nothing wrong.

I think we take this "no badmouthing the other parent" to the extreme. We have gone from not wanting to proactively say something mean to allowing the other parent to stab us in the back and thus ruin OUR relationship with the kids...

Should you ever start a conversation that shows the other parent in a harsh light? No. But when your child comes to you or the other parents leaves the bad news up to you, then you are most certainly allowed to tell the truth.

The only way your child would ever had thought that YOU were keeping him from BD was if BD told him that. So why should you let that LIE stay out there? Why should you be the bad guy in HOPES that eventually he will see the truth?

We truth is subjective. I mean lets be honest here, the kid isn't going to know what the CO states unless you tell him. The kid isn't going to know that you contacted BD about visitation unless you tell him. And if you are waiting for your child to reach 18 before you do so, you will now have YEARS AND YEARS of negative beliefs to counter...and sometimes you just can't overcome that resentment with one, two or even a years worth of conversations.

In other words we are creating reverse parental alienation.

To this day, my SS firmly believes that WE kept him from his mother on her visitations while we were stationed in Germany. That is because at the time and for 5 years, DH would not bad mouth BM.

Well folks, our CO was clear on who pays for visitation and we even went above and paid for his entire round trip for the summer trip home - even though it was on her.

When we finally laid it out to him, he then turned it on us that SHE couldn't afford it (because again we never responded to her running commentary on her being poor, which is why she wouldn't pay child support or any sundries). It is NOW a no win situation.

But being clear when HE brought up various conversations that directly pertained to our household and hers at the beginning would have nipped a lot of that in the bud.

acbarbour · February 2014

I needed that. We don't have conversations often because there is little need to mention BD so I felt I opened the floodgates but you put this into perspective.

Wyn · March 2014

The book Divorce Poison has good advice on what's appropriate to share in these situations.

acbarbour · March 2014

Thanks, headed to the library/amazon to look for details.

Wahoo · March 2014

You messed up, not because your ex needs protection, but because your DS does.

Young children (and 9 is still young) are not going to grasp the concept that their dad isn't visiting them because dad is a lazy piece of cr*p and a sorry excuse for a parent. They are going to assume that there is something unloveable about THEM (the child), and that is why their parent is not visiting (calling, etc.) them. It's safer for them to feel that you stepped in the way.

I absolutely do not think you should lie and cover up for eX, but the statement "I've never prevented your dad from calling or visiting." will do. What you said went too far and will only hurt your DS.

I also think you were wrong to tell DS that he should call your DH daddy when he wanted to go back to calling DH by his name. Let *DS* choose. Your DH's feelings might get hurt, but he's a grown up. Your DS needs to navigate his relationship with DH on his own.

acbarbour · March 2014

@wahoo That is how I originally felt and have taken a different approach to dealing with these situations as they arise. DH and I quickly talk through the situation before responding to DS so we can get our feelings out and speak rationally. Both DH and I come from blended families but have a BF that was/is in no way involved and the SP is the only father we know. I think our expectation is that DS will just have two dads he loves equally but have the involvement and relationship with just the SP. Clearly this is not going to work that way. Thanks for your view on this.

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