Advice for induced still birth

LisAndMikey · March 2014

Hi Ladies- I'm not even sure what to "title" this post. We have been on a huge roller coaster for the entirety of this pregnancy, and I found out today at 28 weeks along that our little girl has passed. We already had a devastating diagnosis for her (congenital heart defects and measuring small due to having an unbalanced translocation). Our geneticist wasn't able to tell us what to expect for the rest of the pregnancy or after if we made it that far. We obviously are very sad and devastated by all of this. I'm also feeling a lot of dread for the impending inducement/birth, and also some relief that the major "drama" of it all is over. Anyway, we are working on the logistics of when to schedule the inducement and who will be taking care of our almost two year old son in the mean time. Could y'all help me think of things you did or wish you would have done surrounding a birth/loss such as this? I'm already planning on contacting a NILMDTS photographer. Maybe I should get a blanket to have her wrapped in? Something they could do feet print on? We don't even have a name for her right now, but probably need to have that for a death certificate. Any advice is welcome. Thank you and I'm sorry for all the heartbreak everyone here has already been through. XO Lisa

ikrystal · March 2014

Hi Lisa. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby girl. I think the ideas you already have a great, especially the photographer. You will cherish those pictures forever.

I think, if I had been more prepared for the loss of my twins, I would have wanted to bring them things that we had already gotten for them. Onesies to put them in, blankets from home (although we had beautiful ones donated to us by people who are in grievance groups from the hospital), etc. We brought them two stuffed animals from home that I can hold, knowing that they had them in the hospital. We also had our babies baptized by our pastor as soon as they were placed into my arms. I know that is not for everyone, but it would be a beautiful thing to do if you are religious.

LyndseyTS · March 2014

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Your story sounds eerily similar to our own, though you are much further along that I was. Our little girl was diagnosed with Turner Syndrome shortly after 15 weeks and we found out that the rates of miscarrying/stillbirth were 95-99%. We prepared ourselves for the worst (or did the best we could) and hoped for the best. Unfortunately, we had it confirmed around 20.5 weeks that our little girl's heart had stopped beating (after I had stopped feeling movement) and I was induced this past Thursday afternoon. Bring everything for your induction that you would bring for a birth (minus the car seat and other things for baby) so that you are as comfortable as possible. It's nice to not have to worry about the other little things while you're dealing with giving birth to your little one.

You have a good list so far. My best advice is to stick to it. Do get pictures, even if you don't want to in the moment. It will be tough, but do it. You can always choose not to look at them, but you can't go back and retake them. It's my biggest regret right now. Absolutely take a (small) blanket (we were fortunate to have one provided by the hospital), maybe a very tiny hat or outfit as well to dress your little one in for photos. Hold her if you can handle it at all. Right now, the best memories that DH and I have are of holding our little one. Be prepared for it to hit you harder than you think. We were hit hard after knowing that her heart had stopped, but it didn't make the grief after she was born any less. If you are doing a memorial or funeral service, plan as much of it as you can before you are induced. Believe it or not, if you're anything like me, you'll be in better shape before the induction than after it. We have her footprints (provided by the hospital for us, but not everywhere so maybe bringing your own is a good idea) and it's one of our favourite keepsakes.

For me, the induction did bring some "closure" if you can even call it that. It was sort of the end of one journey (the uncertainty of how the pregnancy would "end") and the beginning of another (allowing ourselves to grieve the loss of our baby girl). It's not easy, but you have come to a board full of wonderful ladies. I am new here and they have been so incredibly supportive. I'm sorry that you've had to join us, but hope that you will find the support helpful.

I apologize for the novel, I just somehow felt a connection with you because our stories are similar. I know that we all experience things differently, but you are not alone. Feel free to PM anytime. I would be happy to talk about anything.

ETA: Fix spelling.

lrichmond86 · March 2014

First I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I was induced to deliver my stillborn soon just over two years ago. Unfortunately we had to be induced immediately because I was also having medical problems. The thing I'm most thankful that I did was that I had knitted my son a blanket that he was buried with. It was the one thing that I was able to do for my son in the time that he was on this earth. It was separate from the blanket he was wrapped in at the hospital, that one we got to keep. I don't know how much time you have but maybe consider making something personal for your daughter? It makes me feel better to know that a piece of me it's with him even if I cannot be. Wishing you much peace during this difficult time.

mmsweeney1 · March 2014

As others said, definitely get pictures! I love the hat they put on my son, but it's just the hospital hat. Maybe take your own if you have one you like. Also, every night I still sleep with a blanket that I had bought for him even though he was never wrapped in it. I think I would cherish it even more if I knew he had used it. I'm so sorry you're going through this too, take care of yourself in the next few months!

bunnybun4 · March 2014

I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl. You've gotten excellent advice from pp's. ((hugs))

schulme2 · March 2014

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet girl. Thinking of you as you begin a very difficult journey.

My daughter wasn't stillborn but everything happened so fast I had no time to prepare. A few things I wish I would have done: get handprints, there are also mold kits to take of her hands or feet. We did cut a lock of her hair and I'm so glad we did! It is literally a piece of her that I get to keep!

veetveet · March 2014

I was there 4 weeks ago today. Our son had congenital heart defects the difference is we chose to terminate based on prognosis.

I brought a blanket that was mine from when I was a baby.... wish I brought a sleeper for him.

The hospital took pictures for us, foot prints and hand prints. We also took our own pictures. Be prepared.... baby may be purple. I contacted NILMDTS a week before and the photographer never got back to me.

I am so sorry for your loss. If you need to chat, please feel free to message me.

Take care

stefuge · March 2014

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. With our son, the hospital took photos for us, gave us a lock of hair, and a few sets of footprints, along with the nightgown he was dressed in and the blanket he was wrapped in. I would definitely recommend if you have a special outfit or blanket to bring that you can dress her in and take photos. I also wish I had asked for handprints, or molds. These were not done, and I so wish I had his handprints.

Choosing to name your daughter is a very personal decision, and one only you and YH can make. We had a name picked out for our son since we found out we were having a boy and knew that that was who he was. I love to talk about him with friends and family, and his name gives him identity, meaning, importance.

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation and having to say goodbye to your little girl. Please know we are all here whenever you need us.

ajsweeton · March 2014

**** Siggy Warning **** I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for your loss. You've gotten some excellent advice from pp. I just wanted to chime in that my most precious things are the pictures taken from NILMDTS and the handprints/footprints they did for us at the hospital. We also buried our boys with part of a blanket my mom had been making them and it is very treasured to me to think that we have that blanket that she finished now. We kept the blankets they wrapped them in at the hospital and they are very special as they were made by a loss group, but it would have been nice to have something for them that we'd bought as well. I'd say get some stuffed animals or some small blankets or something that you can have for her at the hospital. You'll be happy to have it later.

kflynn81 · March 2014

I'm so so sorry for what you're going through. Definitely I agree with getting pictures. Our son was diagnosed at 19weeks with a brain malformation and same thing where we didn't know if he would make it to May or what his prognosis would be if he did....however, due to a quick onset of preeclampsia we had to be induced and deliver within a week of his diagnosis. I was in the hospital the week leading up to his birth so we didn't have any time to prepare and honestly it happened so fast and we were so devastated that all we got were his footprints. I didn't get to hold him, see him, nothing and I feel so very guilty about that today. ((HUGS)) Sorry you find yourself here...but just know we're here for you when you need us!

OSUWifey09 · March 2014

***SIGGY WARNING***

I'm so, so sorry for what you're going through. PPs had some great advice about how to prepare, so I won't add to that. I will say that it will be hard, and you will feel a whole range of emotions. Be vocal on what you want. If you want an epi, tell them. If you don't want visitors, tell them. Make sure the hospital has a way of marking that you're having an angel baby so that those who walk in know what's going on - the hospital I delivered at put a picture of angel wings on my door so that everyone knew. It made things way less awkward.

Again, I'm so sorry to welcome you here. Please know we are here whenever you need us. **hugs**

stefuge · March 2014

OSUWifey09 said:

Make sure the hospital has a way of marking that you're having an angel baby so that those who walk in know what's going on - the hospital I delivered at put a picture of angel wings on my door so that everyone knew. It made things way less awkward.

This. Our hospital did the same and it made it much easier, especially since you will likely be in labor and delivery and then postpartum - we were at least.

VyD81 · March 2014

I'm sorry for your loss. People have given you great advice. Be gentle with yourself, you have a tough road ahead. Hugs.

angelsnight · March 2014

Ticker warning

I'm so sorry for your loss and I hate to welcome you here but I'm glad you found us. You might want to call ahead to your hospital and ask what all they provide. We received some items, but I've heard of some women being sent home with an entire memory box.

For our daughter, they had a little gown made by volunteers and also a blanket to wrap her in, plus we got a knitted blanket from the Chaplain when she came to do the blessing ceremony. They did foot and hand prints but it was just on a piece of cardstock, so you might want to take something fancier if you plan to frame them.

I know some states issue a certificate of stillbirth, however here in Michigan we didn't get anything like that. I think some states might do a death certificate, but again, in my state they don't because she wasn't born alive to begin with. But I wouldn't stress about a name, if you don't have one yet I am sure there is still plenty of time to call later once you decide on one to have it added to any paperwork they may need it for.

I'm sorry you have to go through this, many T&Ps and hugs to you.

mingaling2 · March 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. You've gotten great advice so far, but please know you're in our thoughts.

Heatherhah · March 2014

Hello I am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. One suggestion that no one said was if you decide to cremate your baby you can buy urn jewelry. Each member of my family has a piece of jewelry with Sydney's ashes in it. I treasure my necklace. Take as many pictures as you want we took over 200 on our own. Get family pictures of your angel with you and your DH in them. I regret not having my 3 year old meet her sister. That haunts me every day. I also second locks of hair and anything for your baby to have with her. Everything from this time is a cherished item to you after you say good bye. Thinking of you!!

Noethola · March 2014

I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. People have given some good advice. I second the molds (get from a craft store) to do hand or foot molds. The prints are great, but I regret not doing the mold so I could "touch" her hands a feet. Cut some hair if she has any. If you take an outfit, perhaps buy two of the same (preemie or doll sized clothing since your daughter is going to be small.) One of the outfits you can keep and one you can bury/cremate her in. We picked out a stuffed animal that was about her size, a stuffed bear. We took pictures with her and the bear. I slept with that bear for months, and then took pictures of the bear with my son at his birth. Take pictures and hold her. You wont regret doing that, but you could regret not. Take all the time you need, this will be the only time you have with her. Bathe her if you want, dress her in several outfits, do skin-to-skin if you want to, etc. I am so very sorry you are facing this.

kz's_girlygirl · March 2014

Everyone has given you wonderful advice, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are in this situation. Take all the time you want/can with your daughter. As awful as it is to say this, you won't get anymore chances.

I remember telling the nurse I was ready for them to take my son away and then I got hysterical right before we left. I had to hold him just one more time. Do whatever you feel is right for you.

I will be thinking of you and sending wishes for peace and comfort

Wyn · March 2014

Lisa, I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter. Pp's advice here is excellent and we do care and send our love to you. I too was induced to deliver my son who had passed away at 21 weeks last October. The nurse kept pushing the epidural at me but I didn't want a needle that close to my spine, so they ended up giving me morphine, which helped a lot. So know that you have options for pain relief so don't be afraid to push back if you need to. Also if you have a nurse that isn't working out...ask to speak to the duty manager and for a change...I had one wonderful nurse and then at shift change Nurse Ratchet came in; I didn't know I had options. The hospital called us a few days later for the name for a birth and death certificate. And know that you may have breastmilk come in a few days after...I think they say to not stimulate your breasts in any way (not even lots of water in the shower hitting them) and it should dry up in a couple days. Finally, if you don't know already, get correct info from your employer about your time off options. I think FMLA covers extended leave after a pregnancy loss. Hope this is helpful--hugs.

Abclyons · March 2014

I am so very sorry for your loss. I just l just lost my daughter in November to an Unbalanced Translocation. I have a balanced translocation and found out that she was unbalanced after getting our amnio results back and it was devastating. I found an amazing facebook page for women affected by translocations and it has been a god send for me. Everyone there is amazing and very supportive. I strongly suggest you check it out. God Bless!

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Advice for induced still birth

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