please indulge me in a brief vent

fromvatobk · March 2014

First, I would like to say how much I really like this board and I wish everyone a smooth and safe pregnancy. I am hoping you will indulge me in a brief vent now. DH and I are both 39 and have a 5 year old. Just found out last month we are pregnant again--a wonderful surprise due in October. Yesterday, after our first u/s (for dating purposes) we decided to tell our immediate families. My sister-in-law (4 years younger and well-meaning, but can have foot-in-mouth disease) then asks me if this pregnancy is really hard because of my age. I'm 39, not dead!!! This is a totally normal age to be pregnant at!!! She has also made a number of comments to me in the past about how she would just never feel comfortable taking the risk of having children over 35 (knowing my age the whole time). Really hoping that this is an isolated incident of being treated like a geriatric or else it is going to be a long 8 months! Vent over.

QOTR · March 2014

I'm sorry. I've been lucky so far that no one has made any cracks about my age. I hope you have an easy-breezy pregnancy and show her how wrong her assumptions are.

Beachgal72 · March 2014

I don't blame you for having to vent! I'm shocked that your SIL would be the one to make a comment like that...does she have any kids?
I have also been very lucky not to have endured any weird age comments (I am 41) but it doesn't mean I haven't heard other weird and annoying comments. If it is not age, it will be advice that is outdated and unsolicited or stupid questions like "Are you excited?" or intrusive personal questions or being told what this pregnancy will be like because it is a boy or a girl. People in general really seem to lose their filters when it comes to pregnancy. I just try to let the silly/annoying/stupid stuff roll off me the best I can.

Melissa72777 · March 2014

Believe me people seem to have a rash of foot in mouth disease when you are pregnant. My MIL and FIL have both made "jokes" about me needing to have so many tests done because I am "so old" and other comments. I finally had to have DH say something to them about it. Hang in there unfortunately it probably won't be the last inappropriate comment you get throughout your pregnancy. We are all here for you though.

nikkiuk · March 2014

There seems to be this misconception that when then clock strikes midnight on your 35th birthday, your female reproductive system starts to wither and die. We beg to differ!

2redtulips · March 2014

I think you would be justified in throat-punching her and then blaming it on "pregnancy hormones." {puts on angel halo}

I mean, really. She was so far over the line. HUGS.

For the record, my GREAT grandmother had her first child at 36 and her last/third child at 45. Having children past 35 is not a new phenomenon. People are dumb. :-P

DTNZ4Ever · March 2014

There are risks for any pregnancy. People should keep their opinions to themselves.

shaylagirl · March 2014

When DH and I told the whole family, my mom kind of paused and, with a skeptical look queried "Uhm, was this an accident?"

*sigh*

For goodness sake mother.

fromvatobk · March 2014

Thanks all. I appreciate the throughts. Beachgal72--yes, my SIL has 3 kids, ages 9, 7, and 4. Before she got pregnant with number 3 she kept saying that she was not ready yet for a third. When I mentioned that she had plenty of time if she wanted to wait (she was 30 at the time), she told me that she could not possibly feel comfortable with taking that sort of risk with her child. It must be something with that side of the family. My best friend has had back to back pregnancies practically at 40 and 41 (perfect healthy kids) and anytime I have mentioned to my FIL that she was pregnant he would get a serious look and the first and only question he would ask is whether the babies are healthy! I already told DH that he needs to make sure that I don't hear any of that. Seems to me that 30 plus years ago there were lots of large families where the last kid was born around the time the mom was 40 and nobody ever blinked an eye about it. Now there seems to be so much judgment. I'm not skydiving with the kid, I'm just pregnant!

pattygrazioso · March 2014

More and more women are having babies later in life. I am on my first at 35 (will be 36). My mother had her last at 46!!! They say "30" is the new 20 and "40" is the 30....they can all pound sand!!!

OutdoorGirl10 · March 2014

I was about to ask if she is younger and whether of not she has kids. I see 'yes' and 'yes'.l'm the youngest of three girls and I'm positive I've said dumb things to my sisters because I didn't realize how it might come across. I thought maybe your SIL was just ignorant of that as well but that's not the case. So yeah, venting is good and then chalk it up to different ways of thinking and let it roll off your back.

desertmouse39 · March 2014

People say so many things without realizing how rude they are! Mostly out of ignorance. I was pregnant with my first at 39, delivered at 40 and got pregnant with #2 at 41, waiting to deliver any day now at 42! Yes, there are some things that are a bit harder about being a slightly older mom, but it's totally do-able.

I'm not a big celebrity follower, but I did read recently that Gwen Stephanie is having her 2nd or 3rd kid now, at 43. And one of the Today show gals just announced she is pregnant, at 42. So maybe the more women in the media are public about their 'later in life' pregnancies, the less agitated people around us will be about it!

Rainee10 · March 2014

I hear about it a lot, being 40 and preggers. This isn't my first one, though, or even my second. Or my third. LOL. It's my fourth, and the reason I hear about it a lot is because they are pretty far apart. People ask me if I "forgot" what caused pregnancy. Really? Then they ask if it was planned. The answer to both is No. No, I didn't forget. Actually, I tend to like sex. When I'm not a big, round, alien toting mothership, that is. No, it wasn't planned. We didn't sit down and discuss whether tonight would be the night that we got it on and created said alien pilot. It just happened.

Amazing, isn't it? I'm the only 40 year old in the world that is going to have kids ten years apart, twice! Yes, I will have given birth in the 90's (twice), the 00's, and the 10's. Yes, I will be in my sixties when this one graduates college (please, God).

Yes, I WILL. Really. And guess what? I'm going to love it. I'm going to be the rockinest, punkiest, most badass ancient mom out there. Anyone has a problem with it, go see someone who cares!

You can't really tell that I'm riding the hormonal wave, can you?

moroccojade · March 2014

I will want to SLAP anyone who says such a thing to me!

How did you refrain from slapping her?

fromvatobk · March 2014

moroccojade--she was on the phone and I haven't seen her since. I have just reminded her brother (my husband) that she said it about a million times and that it better not happen again. Fortunately, she's been rather sweet checking in otherwise, so I'm trying to let it roll off. We'll see how that goes.

MommyAtty · March 2014

@Rainee10‌ , you are my new hero! Lol. I'm 40 and delivering #2 in about 7 weeks. #1 is only 20 months old, so I'm pretty sure I'm nuts. But couldn't be happier or more excited. (Oh, and since we were married 15 years before having #1, my fav comment is ALWAYS "oh, we assumed you were infertile!" Um, no, and I have the BCP bills to show for it!)

lisalynnmama · March 2014

Oh goodness! I, too, have a SIL with foot in mouth disease. She has made multiple comments to me about how she did not want to be an "old" mom and how she cannot imagine people having kids over 35 with all of the additional complications. I love it when she says stuff like that because it just confirms for me that she is an idiot.

Clearly we are not close and it makes me sad that my brother and I no longer have a good relationship because of her (several things have happened to cause this). What makes me most sad is that DS barely has a relationship with his only cousin because she is a nitwit.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. At least it sounds like she is checking up on you now and is being nicer!

moroccojade · March 2014

fromvatobk said:

moroccojade--she was on the phone and I haven't seen her since. I have just reminded her brother (my husband) that she said it about a million times and that it better not happen again. Fortunately, she's been rather sweet checking in otherwise, so I'm trying to let it roll off. We'll see how that goes.

I am glad she is behaving herself now! May it continue. If not, she should get ready for a slap.

lizardknitter · April 2014

When I get dumb comments like that, I respond with "the average age for the mother of a Downs child is 26." That usually shuts them up.

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