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March 2014 Moms
AnonymousMotherOfOne
member
I need some advice. (Vent and question)
AnonymousMotherOfOne
member
I apologize for the long post, but the explanation is necessary, I think, to understand why I'm so upset over it. :P Thanks for reading, whether you have advice for me or not.
I need some advice ladies, because I am at my wit's end. MH and I are moving into a family friend's house because 1. She needs help making her mortgage and utility bills and 2. We need a cheap place to stay while I am on (unpaid) mat leave.
For the last two weeks (a little over, I think), I have been going over to the house from our apartment to clean it up and bring the general state of things up to a normal human being's standard of living. This woman is 20 years my senior, with fibromyalgia and I don't know what other health problems, so by no means do I expect her to jump up to offer help every time I go over, nor do I expect her to go on a cleaning spree when I'm not there. I get it, and I accept it.
What I do not accept is that over the course of seven or so years, she managed to accumulate a layer of dust so thick MH couldn't walk trough the house without having a sneezing attack. Her things have zero rhyme or reason to where they are sitting, with zero organizational logic whatsoever. Half the time she has no idea where to even begin looking for things. At least, that was before I started cleaning over there.
Every time I go over now, all she does is bitch and moan about how her life is being turned upside down, and it's not fair to her that her things are going into boxes and being organized, and things she doesn't need are being thrown away or put into the basement where she can access them easily if she needs them in the future.
When she's not bitching about all that, she's giving me condescending, rude "instructions" for how things should be done. "This should go there", "Don't throw that away I need it", "Watch the maids like a hawk because I have valuables and someone could walk off with them."
1. You should have done this YEARS AGO.
2. If you need it, why was it stuffed between a stuffed animal and this hope chest? It's a medical document! It should have gone straight into a file, dummy!
3. No one wants your things, you packratting idiot. The maids are not going to walk off with your dime store "china".
She texted me at 12:36 am to demand I tell her where I hid her chewable aspirin. -_- Woman, first of all, I do not have a photographic memory. Secondly, at about 9 every night, I am useless in the memory department every night, and you want me to remember where I "hid" something from you? What are you, twelve?!?!?!
My question is this: do you think I am being unreasonable expecting her to make an effort to make sure the cleaning I am doing was not in vain, and pick up after herself when I'm not there? Do you think I'm being too harsh on her for acting this way? And lastly, should I be giving her more wiggle room when it comes to how much work I want her to put into keeping the place looking like a human home instead of a rat's nest?
Any advice is welcome, ladies; I have no idea how to make this situation work, and because of my LO being due so soon, we really need it to work.
I need some advice ladies, because I am at my wit's end. MH and I are moving into a family friend's house because 1. She needs help making her mortgage and utility bills and 2. We need a cheap place to stay while I am on (unpaid) mat leave.
For the last two weeks (a little over, I think), I have been going over to the house from our apartment to clean it up and bring the general state of things up to a normal human being's standard of living. This woman is 20 years my senior, with fibromyalgia and I don't know what other health problems, so by no means do I expect her to jump up to offer help every time I go over, nor do I expect her to go on a cleaning spree when I'm not there. I get it, and I accept it.
What I do not accept is that over the course of seven or so years, she managed to accumulate a layer of dust so thick MH couldn't walk trough the house without having a sneezing attack. Her things have zero rhyme or reason to where they are sitting, with zero organizational logic whatsoever. Half the time she has no idea where to even begin looking for things. At least, that was before I started cleaning over there.
Every time I go over now, all she does is bitch and moan about how her life is being turned upside down, and it's not fair to her that her things are going into boxes and being organized, and things she doesn't need are being thrown away or put into the basement where she can access them easily if she needs them in the future.
When she's not bitching about all that, she's giving me condescending, rude "instructions" for how things should be done. "This should go there", "Don't throw that away I need it", "Watch the maids like a hawk because I have valuables and someone could walk off with them."
1. You should have done this YEARS AGO.
2. If you need it, why was it stuffed between a stuffed animal and this hope chest? It's a medical document! It should have gone straight into a file, dummy!
3. No one wants your things, you packratting idiot. The maids are not going to walk off with your dime store "china".
She texted me at 12:36 am to demand I tell her where I hid her chewable aspirin. -_- Woman, first of all, I do not have a photographic memory. Secondly, at about 9 every night, I am useless in the memory department every night, and you want me to remember where I "hid" something from you? What are you, twelve?!?!?!
My question is this: do you think I am being unreasonable expecting her to make an effort to make sure the cleaning I am doing was not in vain, and pick up after herself when I'm not there? Do you think I'm being too harsh on her for acting this way? And lastly, should I be giving her more wiggle room when it comes to how much work I want her to put into keeping the place looking like a human home instead of a rat's nest?
Any advice is welcome, ladies; I have no idea how to make this situation work, and because of my LO being due so soon, we really need it to work.
March 26th, 2014
9:38am CST
7 lbs 0.8 oz
19.75" long
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I need some advice. (Vent and question)
This all should have been talked about and agreed to before the arrangement to move in was made. Because if it wasn't, you sound terribly judgmental and she should be disturbed that you are coming in and treating her home, her things, and her as being inferior and needing to change to your standards. And yes, she should be able to find her own things, including medicines, in her own home.
Now if she agreed to this, and is being all dramatic about it now..,well I don't know. It may be easier to ignore the running commentary if she had agreed to all this. But you still sound super judgmental about someone who is helping you out and she should have some reasonable expectation that she has access to things in her house. Like her aspirin.
It sounds like an annoying situation, and I get that you need a more affordable place to stay...but you are choosing to stay there. Sure she should clean more than once every 7 years, but I'd be a little offended if someone chose to come stay with me, but critisized how my house was and made requests for things that need to be changed.
I guess in short, you need to decide if you can live there or not. If it's not up to your standards, then some other arrangement needs to be found.
My Pregnancy/Parenting BLOG TTC since 5/2011, BFP #1 12/3/11, M/C 12/7/11 @ 4wks 2d. Began seeing RE Sep 2012. October 2012 Metformin 1500 mg= ovulation on CD34 BFP#2 11/14/12 9DPO, EDD 7/26/13, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks, our angel born sleeping 3/24/13 @ 22wks 2d. BFP #3 7/4/13 8DPO EDD 3/22/14, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks. started insulin @16 wks. Our rainbow, born 3/19/14 @ 39wks 6d., we're so in love!
I don't move her medicines, I would never dream of trying to make life more difficult for her because she is being a huge help by letting us move in. The part that bothers me though is that she can't find one second to say "Thanks for helping me out, even if it's benefitting you too." All she can do is complain.
I haven't said anything to her about how upset it makes me when she does it, and I have been as polite and accommodating as possible when she is bothered by something we've done to help clean and organize, because I appreciate having a place to stay. When we were still in the discussion all stage, I told her that if she wanted it, I would find ways to make sure she could easily keep the house organized and clean even after we moved out. I have done so, and have never made a change without running it by her first. I'm not insane, that would be rude.
She's known for years that her house needed some TLC and attention, and has even paid me to come and clean on occasion because it gets so bad. Her best friend, my aunt/brain twin, routinely cleans house for her when she's in town. This isn't something new to her, having someone move her things around in the process of cleaning.
@FarmBoysWife I may or may not have squeaked with sheer grossed out-ness when I read the part about dead things in the laundry... I get what you're saying though. A discussion is definitely necessary at this point, even if it accomplishes nothing except to make MH and I have to find a new place with three weeks to my EDD.
My grandmother lived through the depression and shes a hoarder. She cannot part with anything. The idea of parting things seems to panick her.
I used to go to her house to clean and cook and help in general. Often she accused others of moving, losing and stealing things.
My point is your story is very familiar to me. It sounds like your very presence is making her panicky, I don't think you have to do anything. Just by being there she's on edge.
I don't see this working because you need a cleaner space to live and she's not emotionally prepared for this level of change. I'd find another place if possible.
I don't communicate very well in person because I get flustered and frustrated if I don't get to say all the things I need to say. So I wrote out a long, courteous, straightforward message to my roommate, and am awaiting her reply. I have a feeling she will still find something to get mad about, but the discussion needs to happen, one way or another. Wish me luck, because I'm already sitting on edge with a bellyache because I despise confrontational discussions...