Family issues... I think my sister honestly thought we are going to "share"our baby with her...

Amberjewel80 · March 2014

My parents have always made comments about her behavior and how she couldn't "help her self" and for the most part I always felt it was them excusing her bad behavior... But since I have been pregnant I am seeing things a bit differently, and I'm wondering if anyone else out there has had to deal with a similar situation...?

A "brief" background... I am 34 years old, 37 weeks prego today with our first child, and Happily married for 10 years. My sister is 18 months older than me. She was adopted at birth. Our parents went through a lost pregnancy late 3rd trimester and were then told they couldn't have kids... so they started looking into adoption. One of my moms older sisters knew a lady who was going through with an unwanted pregnancy and it seemed a perfect fit. And then BLAM!... My sister was a little over 8 months old and they found out they were prego with me...Surprise!...lol. But with an amazing family support system on BOTH sides they managed to get through it (mom was SEVERELY sick carrying me, and then I was an emergency C-section and jaundice) Anyways... My sister did everything early (walk talk and so on), and was super a super busy toddler...In addition has always had some behavioral issues, was diagnosed as ADHD at a young age (the Dr. said he had never seen a GIRL so severe), And then as an adult as a Bi-polar (they didn't really know much about that back when we were kids.. she had top notch Dr.'s). She started with violent outbursts at a pretty early age. And has as far back as I can remember, had jealousy issues towards me...I've never really understood this because our parents have always been VERY careful about keeping things equal between us (she was the kind of kid who counted presents under the tree to make sure she had as many or more than me). We really had quite a charmed childhood as far as our parents could manage (the best of everything material wise, and wonderful experiences and memories as well). Anyways... fast forward to about 4 years ago... our parents had retired and moved to a warmer climate. My sister and her husband followed and moved into my parents pool/guest house where they lived rent/utility free (and often job free) and mosty mooched off our parents... They wanted kids but had no luck getting prego, and finely decided to adopt. A girl we went to school with knew someone who was prego and looking to give her baby up... They got their home study, and barrowed most of the money for the adoption ($7,000 from our parents and the rest from his grandparents). I was shocked our parents were being so supportive because I know they knew she has NO business with a child. But I think they were just wrapped up in the idea of grandkids and hoped that with them being RIGHT THERE that everything would be ok... even though my dad told me not a week before the baby was due that he was scared to death that they were going to get that baby and kill it (through neglect because of both of their immaturity, or because of a violent outburst on her part), and both end up in jail... (and this is a lot coming from my dad who has always been the worst about babying her and making excuses for her behavior)... ANYWAYS... the adoption fell through and when they got the money back they quit their jobs and lived off of the money (instead of paying it back or putting it towards another adoption) so there is zero likelihood of them coming up with the money for another at this point....

fast forward a to a year ago, and they were virtually homeless staying with friends and family... their car (that dad co signed on) was supposed to be getting repoed and her husband had disabled the locator chip on it so they couldn't come take it... I had talked our parents into moving back "home" and they bought a house a few miles from us... Our parents paid off their car to keep it from getting repoed and let them move into the house while it was being remodeled to suit them (my parents stayed in our guest suite at our house...where it was more comfortable for them)

fast forward a few months...My husband and I had been trying to get prego for a couple of years now (drug and help free...the old fashioned way...lol) and were shocked to find our selves expecting almost 8 1/2 months ago... I was a bit reluctant to tell my sister at first, but it was hard to hide when I was sick ALL of the time... She tried to act happy for me.. while admitting that she was jealous. But then she started to say things... One day they came over and while the guys were out grilling and we were sitting in the house waiting on the meat to be done, Mom made a comment about me having twins... it runs in the family... I wasn't keen on that, and told her not to wish THAT on me...I cant imagine 2 at once (especially not carrying them), and my sister, serious as could be, said "well if you are, can I have one...?" .... "Um no... you cant HAVE one of my children...Its not a damn 2 for one sale on a bag of skittles..." ... I let it go.... THEN she starts talking about all the things THEY would need for the baby at mom and dads... I thought ...well its mom and dads house and we will be over there often...so I let it go.....THEN she starts talking about this diaper bag that our grandmother (who died about 2 years ago) had given her as a gift at the shower I had thrown her for the baby they were supposed to be adopting... And offers it to me, since granny wouldn't be at MY shower... Sweet offer, but I declined because it was what SHE had wanted and registered for, and that was what made it special to her... I had picked out my own. Then she said, that she should keep it anyway because she would need it when she had the baby (MY baby)... I kind of let it go... THEN she starts talking about needing a car seat for the baby too... And it all started to really click for me... She honestly thinks we are going to SHARE our child with her/them.... I should clarify, that while I make an effort to be close with her, and we do spend a lot of time together, There is NO WAY I would EVER leave my child alone with her... She was upset when she found out that we were going to ask friends of ours to be "godparents" to our LO instead of her and her husband... even though they are the LEAST reliable people we know...living with our parents and still more often jobless than not... Besides the fact that I don't trust her to keep her temper under control and stay on her meds... And then she starts talking about "babysitting" I told her I was a stay at home mom and wouldn't likely leave her with anyone for quite some time, and then only likely mom... And she had a fit about that... wanting to know how she was going to get to bond with the baby if she couldn't ever have her on her own... She just doesn't seem to get it .. and I try not to hurt her feelings.... but she will never be left alone with my child... I KNOW how violent she can be. I have really come to realize what my parents have said all these years, and maybe she just cant help it/dosent get it... so I try very hard to make her feel involved without letting her get it any further in her head that we will in any way be sharing this baby...

I should also mention, that with the recent case with the missing baby, where the mothers stepsister faked her own pregnancy and stole the child... When brought up in front of her, MY sister defended the woman and expressed how she could understand how she was driven to do it....

Anyways... Anyone else out there dealing with this kind of situation? And if so, how are you handling it...?

rainydayluck · March 2014

I'm not sure why the fact that your sister was adopted was relevant to your way too long winded story, unless you are trying to feed into the nasty preconceptions ignorant people have about adoptions.

Also, stop using the word prego. You're 34, not 12.

ETA: state some clear boundries. Stop beating around the bush with her.

Amberjewel80 · March 2014

Well, I suppose because of her being adopted there is no family history to look at... from my understanding Bipolar disorder (similar to other disorders) can be hereditary. But there is no one else in our family to look at to compare it to. And it is SOMEWHAT possible that her birthmother may have used drugs while she was PREGO, (this site is full of abbreviations and I'll use the ones I choose thank you), as we (my sister and I) were told by the aunt the birth mother lived with at the end of her pregnancy... but we don't really have any way of knowing if this is true, or what effect it may have had on her.

I am quite knowledgeable about adoptions and the positives and negatives of them... and I don't know how you would think I am "feeding any nasty preconceptions", each case and person is different (and I had considered adoption my self)... I didn't ask if any people with ADOPTED family members had similar experiences... I asked If anyone was dealing with a similar situation... Adopted or not its not really relevant other than the fact that because of it, I have no basis of comparison.... no other people that I know with her issues. And it certainly wasn't our upbringing.

And if you had anyone like this in your life, you would understand that "clear boundaries" do not always work... they live in a half fantasy world and cant grasp the idea of boundaries... it is a constant up and down with her. And she doesn't understand why people react to her actions the way they do. She feels like regardless of what she says and does, that if she feels bad afterwards, that should be the end of it... in her mind people shouldn't consider the fact that she may likely do it again... because on a "good day" she wouldn't.

trevlucy · March 2014

I agree with the previous comment that you should probably just let her keep talking about all the stuff she's going to need for the baby. Obviously you telling her she doesn't need to do any of that isn't getting through to her. So let her think you're going to share the baby and when the baby gets here she will realize that you were being dead serious.

lv2011 · March 2014

I'm going to ignore all the things that make me roll my eyes and say that sometimes you have to be brutally honest with people- family or not. If she's violent and irresponsible, tell her "Hey, you're violent and irresponsible and there is no way in hell I'm ever leaving MY child with or near you". End of discussion. Of course, she'll try and convince you otherwise, or argue until she's blue in the face, and so will your mom (maybe), but it's your call. Not theirs. But, if you make that decision, you can't ever back down on it. Never waver.

Helenahhandbasket · March 2014

Idani said:

Honestly in all that I really don't see her thinking she will share your child. She offered a diaper bag you declined, she said she could use it. I can't imagine taking the twin comment seriously either that's a bit ridiculous. She probably will still be living with your parents so technically chances are the grandparents might want a carseat, again not a big deal. She has a mental diagnosis an clearly a lot of issues. Obviously she shouldn't watch the child alone, again that's simple just don't let her. I mean I guess don't see the issue here? Try to be a little understanding and not take all her comments literally, don't let her watch your child alone, be consistent with her and realize she actually has a mental diagnosis.

This is right on the money.

Avion22 · March 2014

Is she getting any kind of help or treatment? That would be my primary concern for a mentally ill family member.

Otherwise, I think you just need to be honest with her and with your parents that you won't be leaving the child with her unsupervised. Maybe this will help her realize that she needs more help than she's currently getting.

I don't see what adoption has to do with any of it.

Titanium81 · March 2014

I can see where adoption could play a part in the family dynamic. Being adopted certainly impacts how an individual self-identifies. But I would think that her bipolar diagnosis is a bigger issue here. I hope she is getting treatment.

Since it sounds like your sister may have a hard time facing the fact that she won't be a co-parent (or at least a babysitter) to your child, I'd make sure that your parents and her husband are on the same page (and perhaps her therapist?.) If she and her husband continue to live with your parents it may be harder to limit contact with her unless you only plan to allow your parents to see the baby on your turf. You'll need them for support.

momthatlifts · March 2014

Can someone provide cliff notes? That's just way too much for me to read today but I'm curious.

Helenahhandbasket · March 2014

Kimbus22 said:

JKBMA2014 said:

Can someone provide cliff notes? That's just way too much for me to read today but I'm curious.

OP has a sister with biploar who she thinks wants to steal her baby. She also provided 3,000 pieces of information to make her sister sound heinous and herself sound like a victim. She says it's too hard to keep her sister away from impending baby.

Oh and using spaghetti sauce instead of saying pregnant is apparently an abbreviation.

/ded

PrimRoseMama · March 2014

You sound like an ignorant, judge mental douche...

Your sister sounds like she's got issues & you are ranting on about your petty complaints about her.

She needs help.

RebeccaY1 · March 2014

I probably wouldn't want the sister around my child either, but just don't leave her alone with your baby.

This whole thing was way too long winded.

Also, why are you pasta sauce? Why call yourself 'prego'?

jasrun80 · March 2014

I honestly cannot comprehend why people ion here are such bitches, but hey,,we are pregnant right? anyhow,,, i think your sisters jealousy is legit and for SO many reasons… your story sounds like a lifetime movie, and you sound very level headed. i have a schizophrenic brother and it can be very unsettling just being around him so here re a few things i do…

i NEVER leave my kids at my moms ever. he lives with her and i don't care how "good" he is today,,, never. don't do it ever.

if i go, i make sure there is one adult per my own child, and make sure there is one adult per him.

if he e mails me with questions i take responsibility for my feelings, "even though you are on the meds you choose, i see a difference in you that brings me anxiety and at this point in my life, i am trying to keep my anxiety low"

and i cry a lot, because i cannot have the life i wished i could for my children involving grandparents.

if i were YOU,,,,because she sounds much more capable of doing things that my own brother can not, i'd change your locks on your home asap & make just 2 keys, one for you & husband.

id get angel care breathing monitor that will go off if baby is removed from the crib at night.

id definitely talk to the police about what to do "if" she stole your baby somehow, what are the first steps. i'd even consider getting a bluetooth for her car that you plant in it. she sounds very insane about this. i can't believe she is so open about it.

good luck! message me if you need!!

PrimRoseMama · March 2014

@jasrun80‌ : well it's not very nice to call people bitches. Also, not everyone on the trimester boards is pregnant currently.

I think OP (and you too) would benefit from learning & utilizing some compassion for the mentally ill that are your family. Your attitude (& OP's) is disturbing.

Heaven forbid you encounter post partum depression or psychosis. I pray others give you more consideration.

momthatlifts · March 2014

Kimbus22 said:

JKBMA2014 said:

Can someone provide cliff notes? That's just way too much for me to read today but I'm curious.

OP has a sister with biploar who she thinks wants to steal her baby. She also provided 3,000 pieces of information to make her sister sound heinous and herself sound like a victim. She says it's too hard to keep her sister away from impending baby.

Oh and using spaghetti sauce instead of saying pregnant is apparently an abbreviation.

thanks! Looks like you guys have this one covered

ksukitty1979 · March 2014

I honestly don't think adoption has anything to do with this. It sounds like you have some unresolved issues with your sister. She is mentally ill according to what you said and needs help. But instead you spend most of the post putting her down. My guess is you are resentful of her. The solution of your problem is very simple, just don't leave her alone with your child. BTW this advice comes from someone who was adopted and managed to grow up to be a healthy normal adult..imagine that.

desertmouse39 · March 2014

I sit on both sides of the responses to your (admittedly very long, overly detailed) post/question. I am a clinical Social Worker and spent several years working in foster care/adoption for treatment level kiddos, and I know that adoption can play a part in family dynamics (for example, if you don't know about how the baby was cared for prenatally, the biological family's history of physical or mental health issues, etc...) So I can see how that could be a relevant part of your sister's story. However, it also seems to be a part of your parents' story, in that they enable your sister and sign off on a lot of her bad behaviors, perhaps out of guilt or feeling sorry for her.

If your sister is bipolar, and it sounds like she may be, she needs consistent therapeutic treatment, consistent medication and loving boundaries and limits. Bipolar disorder, when untreated, is ugly, heartbreaking and can be extremely damaging and dangerous to both the diagnosed person and those around them. You are about to be a mama and you have to be responsible for the safety of your kid(s) and yourself and your family. Make your decisions based on the facts, the current information and your gut - not resentments from the past, obligation to your parents, or other emotional factors. It doesn't sound safe to leave your baby with your sister (or perhaps your parents if she will be around), so don't. I have had two people very close and dear to me in my life who are/were bipolar, and when they were stable and consistent with their treatment they were lovely, positive additions to my world, dynamic and full of life. When they stopped treatment and tried to deny their illness, they became physically and emotionally dangerous to themselves and those of us around them. One ended in suicide, the other in a spiral of drugs, alcohol, and paranoia. You cannot fix or change them, and you cannot control or force them into behaving differently. You can only take responsibility for yourself and how you engage.

tlxh7 · March 2014

Amberjewel80 said:

She was upset when she found out that we were going to ask friends of ours to be "godparents" to our LO instead of her and her husband... even though they are the LEAST reliable people we know...living with our parents and still more often jobless than not... Besides the fact that I don't trust her to keep her temper under control and stay on her meds...

I'm not going to touch anything else, but this general mindset annoys me. You shouldn't choose God parents based on who is reliable or has a job. A God parent is supposed to teach the child about God and help strengthen their faith. Unless you're using "godparent" in place of "guardian". They're not the same.

Cosmolove · March 2014

Sounds to me like you just need to be straight forward with her.

This post really kind of bothered me, one because it was SUPER long. But two because it was just you airing your dirty laundry. None of it was really all that necessary for the question you asked. Personally I think you are over reacting but that's just my opinion

Mimaloo · March 2014

OP - I actually get why you thought it was necessary to put in [a lot of] what PPs have deemed irrelevant information. Given that history (no, not the fact that the sister was adopted) I just wouldn't leave LO alone with her...ever. And stick to your guns.

DH has a brother with a mental illness who sometimes decides to go off of his meds. He lives with MIL, who is under the impression that DD will be spending lots of time there. So much so that she has even started "doing the baby's room". While DH agrees with not allowing DD to stay there, he's afraid of hurting feelings so refuses to have the conversation. Whatever. It's just not going to happen.

So just anticipate that feelings will be hurt but know that the health and safety of your LO is paramount to the feelings of others. End of story.

magentawarped · March 2014

Has no one commented on the lovely "old-fashioned way" remark yet? Really? No one cares how you got pasta sauce - I mean, "prego" - and considering that there are a lot of medically assisted pregnancies on these boards, it was a really unnecessary comment.

As far as your sister, don't leave your kid alone with her. Period. And tell your parents that if they want to help their mentally ill child, that's one thing, but supporting her boyfriend is just silly. Giving her money to adopt a child that they're worried she'll kill is downright stupid and irresponsible.

gypsymystic · March 2014

Amberjewel80 said:

Well, I suppose because of her being adopted there is no family history to look at... from my understanding Bipolar disorder (similar to other disorders) can be hereditary. But there is no one else in our family to look at to compare it to. And it is SOMEWHAT possible that her birthmother may have used drugs while she was PREGO, (this site is full of abbreviations and I'll use the ones I choose thank you), as we (my sister and I) were told by the aunt the birth mother lived with at the end of her pregnancy... but we don't really have any way of knowing if this is true, or what effect it may have had on her.
I am quite knowledgeable about adoptions and the positives and negatives of them... and I don't know how you would think I am "feeding any nasty preconceptions", each case and person is different (and I had considered adoption my self)... I didn't ask if any people with ADOPTED family members had similar experiences... I asked If anyone was dealing with a similar situation... Adopted or not its not really relevant other than the fact that because of it, I have no basis of comparison.... no other people that I know with her issues. And it certainly wasn't our upbringing.
And if you had anyone like this in your life, you would understand that "clear boundaries" do not always work... they live in a half fantasy world and cant grasp the idea of boundaries... it is a constant up and down with her. And she doesn't understand why people react to her actions the way they do. She feels like regardless of what she says and does, that if she feels bad afterwards, that should be the end of it... in her mind people shouldn't consider the fact that she may likely do it again... because on a "good day" she wouldn't.

Sounds exactly like my Mother. She is Bipolar and violent, and nearly beat me within an inch of my life on at least one occasion when I was a kid. We have a tenative relationship now, but only as I come and go as I please if she loses it in my presence. I never leave my LO(s) with her, nor would I consider it. I read the entire thing and it does not seem as if you are biased against her, or trying to make her look bad- just explaining her history. I would agree with the assessment that no matter how she complains, or whines NEVER leave your child with her, she sounds very unstable.

Justabean3 · March 2014

There are several types of bipolar, just saying.

KayCee85 · March 2014

My situation is a little different, but similar in some ways. My younger sister (biological, not that that's relevant) was diagnosed with bipolar. I've suspected it for years, she has classic signs of mania and depression, but bringing it up to her wasn't always easy. She was recently diagnosed after suffering from severe post partum, depression. She has two young daughetrs, and although I don't think she's a bad mother, she makes choices with how she raises her kids, that differ from mine drastically. I plan on returning to work full time, and have a nanny lined up. My sister is constantly telling me to leave my daughter with her when I return to work, she even has offered to watch her for free, but I just don't feel comfortable with it. To spare her feelings, I simply told her she had enough on her plate (she has a 3 yr old and a 5 month old) and that it'd be too much on her. I agree that sometimes it's easier to be honest with your family, but I could never intentionally hurt my sisters feelings.

Truelove21 · March 2014

I can relate a little but only from my mother's point of view. Her brothers were never to be left alone with me as they were into really bad habits and couldn't take care of themselves. I do know other families that have similar issues and bad things do happen. I would rather over react and deal with all the crap than not react enough and harm come to my child. Be a good mom. You are closest to this situation than we are so you can best evaluate. If your gut is saying be cautious and prepare then I say go for it. You're not just being paranoid and there probably is an issue. From what I read I'd shut her down and still be cautious. Tell her that she will not babysit or hold baby unattended. Then tell your folks. But still keep an eye on everything. You can spare her feelings being hurt and give in or you can protect your baby from potential danger. Also someone is always going to argue with you on here so its best to not comment. They come back to check for your reply because they want to argue or whoever agrees with you. Just ignore the comment like it wasn't there. I don't know why people get so caught up on proper grammer if they can't display proper manners while doing it. Good luck with this. I'm kind of scared for you here.

Crazypregoseverywhere · March 2014

rainydayluck said:

I'm not sure why the fact that your sister was adopted was relevant to your way too long winded story, unless you are trying to feed into the nasty preconceptions ignorant people have about adoptions. Also, stop using the word prego. You're 34, not 12. ETA: state some clear boundries. Stop beating around the bush with her.

There's nothing wrong with using "prego".

Crazypregoseverywhere · March 2014

Amberjewel80 said:

Well, I suppose because of her being adopted there is no family history to look at... from my understanding Bipolar disorder (similar to other disorders) can be hereditary. But there is no one else in our family to look at to compare it to. And it is SOMEWHAT possible that her birthmother may have used drugs while she was PREGO, (this site is full of abbreviations and I'll use the ones I choose thank you), as we (my sister and I) were told by the aunt the birth mother lived with at the end of her pregnancy... but we don't really have any way of knowing if this is true, or what effect it may have had on her.
I am quite knowledgeable about adoptions and the positives and negatives of them... and I don't know how you would think I am "feeding any nasty preconceptions", each case and person is different (and I had considered adoption my self)... I didn't ask if any people with ADOPTED family members had similar experiences... I asked If anyone was dealing with a similar situation... Adopted or not its not really relevant other than the fact that because of it, I have no basis of comparison.... no other people that I know with her issues. And it certainly wasn't our upbringing.
And if you had anyone like this in your life, you would understand that "clear boundaries" do not always work... they live in a half fantasy world and cant grasp the idea of boundaries... it is a constant up and down with her. And she doesn't understand why people react to her actions the way they do. She feels like regardless of what she says and does, that if she feels bad afterwards, that should be the end of it... in her mind people shouldn't consider the fact that she may likely do it again... because on a "good day" she wouldn't.

Bi-Polar is a hard mental illness to deal with. And apparently there are some members on this discussion who could have it. But hopefully your sister sticks with treatment and takes her meds. I think you have a good plan going on and to not leave baby alone with her.

Crazypregoseverywhere · March 2014

PrimRoseMama said:

You sound like an ignorant, judge mental douche... Your sister sounds like she's got issues & you are ranting on about your petty complaints about her. She needs help.

Wow.... SHE sounds like an ignorant, judge mental douche... ??? and that makes you... ???

WashingtonQueen · March 2014

Crazypregoseverywhere said:

rainydayluck said:

I'm not sure why the fact that your sister was adopted was relevant to your way too long winded story, unless you are trying to feed into the nasty preconceptions ignorant people have about adoptions. Also, stop using the word prego. You're 34, not 12. ETA: state some clear boundries. Stop beating around the bush with her.

There's nothing wrong with using "prego".

It is true that there are people who love Prego, but I'm a Ragu girl myself. My family would kill me if I used Prego so I disagree, there is something wrong with using Prego.

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