Biggest Parenthood differences between you and SO?

tbmadeamistake · March 2014

So, STMs, what do you think the biggest difference is between you and your SO when it comes to parenting? FTMs, what do you think it will be?

In our case, I think it's reaction time. I really don't care about the other differences, I made it a huge point to keep my mouth shut and let him and C find their own way together. Just because he's different doesn't mean he's wrong. It made a huge difference in the amount of help I got from him. However, he's totally willing to let her cry way longer than I am, takes forever to get there in case of any emergency (from pee on the rug to her choking this morning). I hate that he's so much slower than I am. HATE IT. I think it will be our biggest relationship hurdle when we have two, because right now I get really mad about it. What happens if I'm nursing and C needs something that I think is urgent, and he takes his sweet time about it? Or if I'm with C and Charlie starts crying? It's my one worry that I think we might need help with.

tbmadeamistake · March 2014

@fuccimama, that's so difficult! Hoping things get better for you as well!

flerlgirl · March 2014

DH knows a lot more about kids than I do, so he is the calm one when it comes to illnesses, injuries, etc. But he is a crazy worrier otherwise. I am a "toss the baby in the air (safely) and laugh when they giggle" kind of person, but when DS is sick I am like OMG CALL 911. DS would no sooner toss DS in the air than feed him to a lion but for illnesses he is allll over it. So I guess we match up well

MamaTree17 · March 2014

@Lilygrace48 I feel you on the reaction time. DH generally gets up with DD in the middle of the night if needed (she is overly attached to me and me getting her back down after picking her up takes 100x longer) but if I hear her crying, regardless of the reason, my instinct is to run in there. But oh, not his. I get that she needs to soothe herself but I just sit there wide-eyed until he decides its been long enough and goes in there. 5 minutes seems like 5 hours when your kid is crying! I try to bite my tongue so it's not me telling him how to parent but sometimes it's torture.

Our views on foods and diet are surprisingly different. I am all about everything/anything in moderation but he is much more strict. Growing up, we really didn't have junk food around but I have a huge sweet tooth now and see no issue with DD having sweets, again in moderation. If she eats all her lunch, then what harm is a cookie after? He does have some history of obesity in his family so I think that's where his concern comes from and he also has no self control when it comes to food and I think he assumes everyone else shares that.

Mztwilson · March 2014

I'm a big time planner! I'm already in the process of ordering my diaper bag so I can get my hospital bag put together. I want to start getting thing ready because to me we ONLY have 12 weeks left until d day. To him it's eh we STILL have 12 weeks left that's plenty of time. If it were up to him he wouldn't have anything ready until the day I go into labor. He's much more let's just roll with it while I'm more lets be prepared.

gmc222 · March 2014

I think the biggest difference for us is how we help DD navigate life. DH tends to carry her everywhere, brushes her teeth for her, and picks up after her. I, on the other hand, am trying to teach her to be more independent by learning how to do small chores, go to the potty by herself, and just explore safely. I'll say he's overprotective, and he says I'm underprotective - ha!

ricecakes1216 · March 2014

I can see H being the "good cop" and making me the "bad cop". It's already known in our relationship that he is the fun one and I am the boring bitch. It actually really worries me and we talk about it often. I can see me having all the hard parenting duties and he will get the fun stuff. Don't get me wrong, we agree on a lot of the way we will discipline but when it comes to laying down the law, it wil be me doing it.

Read247 · March 2014

We are definitely opposite. DH is a light sleeper and goes running every time he hears so much as a whimper from DS - this is why it took him a year to STTN (5 hrs) and two years to stop waking up at 3 am. He couldn't stand to let DS cry it out, but because I was with him all the time it didn't bother me. I'm the disciplinarian. DH will try to bargain and explain. I'm like: "honey he's 3. You can't reason with him." I give him a warning and then time out. I try to let my DH find his own way, but certain things (like discipline) requires us to be on the same page.

zipscheer07 · March 2014

I think mine is with my step daughter. He hardly ever disciplines them and its irritating. I know not everything is controllable but they pretty much do whatever they want and thats not me. I believe in discipline and respect and he, which is mainly due to the fact that he doesnt see them much, lets things go. I dont think they will learn if thats the case. But when it comes to our daughter, he always says I wont let her act that way. I get so irritated at the fact that it will be one way for them and another for our kids. My kids will have respect for others but I dont know how to do it fairly...

ncbelle · March 2014

Honestly I'm not sure there's a huge difference. Maybe that I'm much more likely to have the kids in clothes that match and have them clean up after they play…but that's just because DH is messier in general

We've always been very much on the same page as far as parenting tactics and philosophy.

I'll be interested to see how this changes as the kids get older as he grew up in a pretty permissive environment (like very late curfew) and had some interesting exploits. I had far stricter expectations and was pretty much a goody-two-shoes. He claims he will be the super strict one…guess we'll see!

babygabe614 · March 2014

@zipscheer07 We have the same struggle in our house with my stepson. I don't know if you have your stepdaughter full time or not but we only have my stepson on weekends so when he is with us, DH always wants it to be "fun time" and not worry about making him follow the rules. This does not sit well with me AT ALL and it's clear that I am the disciplinarian in our household. However, I know with our LO he is going to want the same things from her that I ask of my stepson (clean up after yourself at the table, make your bed, take your shoes off when you come in, etc. - ETA - he is 9 btw, I wanted to clarify I'm not asking these things of a toddler or anything lol) so it's frustrating when I get fought on those things now.

In general, my DH is much more nurturing and more of a pushover than I am, so I see him being quick to jump at our LO's every cry and whine (especially because she's a girl and he's wrapped around her finger already!) whereas I think I'll be more apt to let her CIO, enforce punishments when she's older, etc.

erind228 · March 2014

I am much more the disciplinarian than he is. He will almost always wait for me to put our kids into time-out when I am home with him. He tends to be a lot more easy-going than I am. I freak out really easily, and tend to be overly emotional at times. He usually brings me back down to earth. He is also the roughhouser of the two of us. Overall, I think that our parenting styles go well together. I would like to see him discipline the kids more. We were actually just talking about that this morning.

deedee830 · March 2014

DH claims to be the disciplinarian, but he never follows through on his "threats". His threats are always unrealistic (he won't leave the cottage after only having been there for an hour and having driven 2 hours to get there, but that's what he says he'll do) and DS has caught on. DH complains that DS doesn't listen, but all I have to do is say his name a certain way or give him a warning and he generally settles down. DS listens, he just doesn't listen to him.

If you're going to say you're going to do something, stop blowing smoke out of your ass and do it.

We've also had some pretty big arguments over DS's activities. DH is happy to have DS in something practically every night of the week and on weekends, where as I think he needs to downtime and less structure. At one point DS had an aftershool practice Tu, W, Th and Fri, two practices on Sat and the a hockey game every few Sundays. He was exhausted and cranky and DH couldn't put the fact that his behaviour started to change shortly after DS was enrolled in so many activities. DS now only goes M, W, Th, two practices on Sat and the odd Sunday game. I feel like giving up, but I won't because I believe it's too much for DS. DH likes to throw it back in my face that the little guy asks about the stuff he used to do (like swimming which we pulled him out of for now) to which I reply of course he wants to do everything, he's effin' 6, it's our job as his parents to do what's best for him.

Sorry for the long post. TL;DR - hubby pisses me off.

zipscheer07 · March 2014

@babygabe614, I am in the exact boat. We dont have them full time just every other weekend and he always wants fun time as well. They do what you want and nothing is said. Its so frustrating. My stepdaughters are little younger 8 and 6 but I believe they know right from wrong. They just dont have to do the right becasue its not enforced, yet he says Oh, Anya wont do this.. PLEASE tell me how your going to discipline her and not them. It wont be becasue my son and Anya will be like " well they did it and didnt get into trouble". I dont ask much but I do ask for respect and for them to listen to me and they dont. I hate myself for it but some weekends I just want over as it gets overwhelming.

ElTrain5 · March 2014

ricecakes1216 said:

I can see H being the "good cop" and making me the "bad cop". It's already known in our relationship that he is the fun one and I am the boring bitch. It actually really worries me and we talk about it often. I can see me having all the hard parenting duties and he will get the fun stuff. Don't get me wrong, we agree on a lot of the way we will discipline but when it comes to laying down the law, it wil be me doing it.

This. Although DH will occasionally be the meticulous one while I stay a little bit more laid back. I think (hope) we'll balance each other out in the end. He grew up with a LOT more freedom and hardly any rules, and I was very overprotected, so that will probably make the biggest difference in how we raise DS. I don't mind being the hard ass though, my dad was the hard ass, and in the end (granted it took me awhile), I respected him for it.

babygabe614 · March 2014

zipscheer07 said:

@babygabe614, I am in the exact boat. We dont have them full time just every other weekend and he always wants fun time as well. They do what you want and nothing is said. Its so frustrating. My stepdaughters are little younger 8 and 6 but I believe they know right from wrong. They just dont have to do the right becasue its not enforced, yet he says Oh, Anya wont do this.. PLEASE tell me how your going to discipline her and not them. It wont be becasue my son and Anya will be like " well they did it and didnt get into trouble". I dont ask much but I do ask for respect and for them to listen to me and they dont. I hate myself for it but some weekends I just want over as it gets overwhelming.

@zipscheer07 You're not alone, trust me. There are MANY weekends that I just wish were over or where I have hidden out upstairs folding laundry for an hour or two because I get overwhelmed with frustration and then feel so guilty for feeling that way. It's hard being a step parent (at least for me) because I never feel like I have quite as much say as my DH when it comes to parenting his son, even though he really has never done anything intentionally to make me feel that way. It's getting harder now that my stepson is getting older because he is more manipulative and will undermine my direction and then put his dad in the middle. It's also a struggle because he is basically allowed to run amok at his mother's house so there is always an "adjustment period" when he's with us where he has to get reaccustomed to following rules and having chores and expectations, and that always comes with a fight and usually some tears.

Oops, I didn't mean to get so off the topic of this thread, just wanted you to know I completely understand what you are feeling when it comes to this!

chloephoebecali · March 2014

Lilygrace48 said:

So, STMs, what do you think the biggest difference is between you and your SO when it comes to parenting? FTMs, what do you think it will be?

In our case, I think it's reaction time. I really don't care about the other differences, I made it a huge point to keep my mouth shut and let him and C find their own way together. Just because he's different doesn't mean he's wrong. It made a huge difference in the amount of help I got from him. However, he's totally willing to let her cry way longer than I am, takes forever to get there in case of any emergency (from pee on the rug to her choking this morning). I hate that he's so much slower than I am. HATE IT. I think it will be our biggest relationship hurdle when we have two, because right now I get really mad about it. What happens if I'm nursing and C needs something that I think is urgent, and he takes his sweet time about it? Or if I'm with C and Charlie starts crying? It's my one worry that I think we might need help with.

This is my husband exactly. It drives me nuts. A kid could be yelling in his ear for this or that and it's like he tunes them out. I don't know if I'm super sensitive to it because I've been hearing the whining all day, but it is the worst. My kids will even ask me for something when Dh is closer to item/to them. It's ridiculous. I have to remind them they have two parents and I often have to tell Dh that a kid is talking to him/needs something. I've also experienced the choking thing where he eventually gets concerned. I don't know if he is lazy, expects me to do it or if he is not truly concerned. Another thing that has been a "problem" has been a difference in opinion on DDs abilities. I've had concerns about her being not on par with other kids her age and Dh does not see it the same way. I hate to throw the whole "I'm with her all day/see other kids her age" but it's true. I finally went to her future elementary school where they offered a kindergarten readiness test and she did not do well. I also suspected, but was glad to have proof for Dh. I could finally convince Dh to hold her back for a year (she barely made the cutoff anyway). Of course my mil had to chime in trying to discredit the whole thing (because she knows what is expected from kindie kids these days, or we wouldn't be doing what's best for our kid). It's nervy to go against the dr./principal that gave her the test and said she wouldn't start her kid if dd was hers.

sparklenshine_89 · March 2014

So this is our 3rd child together and we've both changed as parents. I feel that DH is definitely more relaxed and things don't bug him as easily as they bug me. However, he is strict when he needs to be. I am the one who deals with anything medical/insurance... He doesn't like to do it. Also, I'm the one who is figuring out preschool.

He's more spontaneous and I keep routine so I guess it works.

He also doesn't filter anything for the kids. My DS2 was worried that this baby was going to "break me" when he comes out and he was saying this while touching my stomach and ribs. So DH was like "don't worry S, he's coming out of mommy's vagina and she will go back to normal". I admit it was funny but seriously I don't want to be "those parents" whose kids say inappropriate things in class.

TonyaCody06 · March 2014

DH is laid back and can tune out the chaos around him. Me...not so much. But the girls are total daddy's girls and I love it!

BMaidPlanner · March 2014

I can only guess, but I am very calm and collected in a crisis/under stress, for the most part. DH is not. He definitely has his strong points too, but it will be interesting to see how we end up parenting/handling the roughest parts, etc, together.